This is being written for honesty sake and not for any other reason. I feel I need to be honest on this journey blog and sometimes being honest means sharing a part that is difficult to share or not the most flattering part of who you are. This is to remind the readers that this life is a journey and it is a journey I am trying to continually learn from and hopefully become better and better along the way.
Recently I went through a slump and found myself hitting a wall in finding the joy of mothering. I lashed out at each of my boys (including my husband). I was frustrated and irritated. I became easily angered and upset over things that were silly and pointless. One night as I was home alone trying to put the baby to bed (He was fighting it as hard as he could). I found myself growing more and more frustrated at him. Now, I would never, NEVER, hurt my child intentionally, but I was getting mad. I had rocked him and patted him and laid him in his crib and shut the door only to hear him begin screaming all over again. I would go in and try to calm him only to find that he was inconsolable. I would hold him again and get him calm and lay him back down, over and over. I finally was fed up and laid him down (probably rougher then I needed to) and yelled at him "Just go to sleep!" and slammed his door and slammed my door waking the 2-year-old in the process and of course making myself more irritated. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside. I saw myself laying the baby down and yelling and the calm voice in my head telling me "Just calm down. He doesn't know any better. Yelling will just make him scared and make it worse..." But listening to that voice was not on the agenda at that moment. I am not an angry person and I am not the type of person to be violent or aggressive. I chose not to return to their room. I didn't want to do anything else to make it worse. So, of course, as my boys were crying in their beds I began crying in my room. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I knew I had been holding in feelings for a long time and they just snapped. I reached out to my mom. I let her know what was going on and that I needed to talk.
She brought up something I suppose I had been ignoring. She said it was possible I was resenting the baby. As I wanted to say, "No way. I love him." I had to think about it and when I thought about it I realized that yes I was. I resented him. I resented Shane for talking me into wanting another child so soon. I resented the fact that I had to quit my job (that I LOVED) because we couldn't pay for both boys in daycare (I placed that on the baby too, because he was a larger chunk of that bill). I resented the fact that because I quit my job I have been stuck at home 24 hours a day with him and now he only wanted me ALL the time. I resented the fact that he was active and into everything and not calm like his brother had been. I resented that I can't do as many things with the 2-year-old as I had envisioned because I have a baby to watch over and haul around. I resented that I couldn't just go out because when I go out with the boys I have to be sure they are not going to get too tired while I am out, that the baby won't get hungry because I have no time to pump at home and trying to find a suitable, quiet and safe place to nurse in public is hard, especially one that keeps the 2-year-old contained and occupied. And leaving them home is not an option unless I have planned it in advance enough to be sure their dad is willing and able to watch them and that the baby won't need a bottle. Yes. I resented my baby. SERIOUSLY as ridiculous as this sounds! All the sudden I saw what I had done. As all these thoughts poured through my head. I began going through each one and thinking logically about them. It was not the baby's choice to be born. It wasn't his choice. It was our decision. It isn't like he was that much of a surprise. Sure, I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly but I did want a second child. God gave him to me when He did. God gave him to me like He did and in His timing and with His purpose. It isn't the baby's fault he gets tired and cranky or hungry. I need to be thankful that he has a pretty reliable schedule. I need to be thankful that he isn't like his older brother who never seemed set in any pattern. The baby naps around the same time every day and eats around the same time every day. I know when he is tired and I know when to expect him to get hungry. I know how to get him to sleep (most nights) and I know that he will sleep fine in his own bed (also unlike his big brother). This baby is not a burden. He is a gift. I seriously thought every negative thought through and knew I was the foolish one for having those thoughts. I was the one who needed a change and I knew I needed to work on some things.
First, I knew I was missing out on spiritual growth. I had been out of church for three weeks in a row because the baby was sick, then I was sick, then the toddler was sick. I was not in church, so secondly, I was missing out on social interactions. I relied on the quick "Hello"s in the hallways and the "how are you?"s in the classrooms and the quick hug from a friend or two as I was leaving the service. Probably wouldn't be enough social interaction for a lot of people but it was enough to sustain me. It was also little enough that without it for three weeks I was a wreck of emotions and drained from the lack of it. Third, I was thinking about my lack of ministry. I felt useless. I didn't have my Sunday school class to teach each week. I didn't have the thought of a youth ministry that might possibly want to use us. I had felt needed and a part of something when I taught the Sunday school class. I felt like I was doing my part and that I was missed when I wasn't there. Now I felt like very few people noticed when I wasn't there. I also had lost the ministry I had as a hospital employee. I had thrown my all into doing my very best to serve the ladies I came in contact with at the hospital. I had the idea that that was a ministry. I served and tried to be humble and show a willingness to do whatever I was asked and do it to the best of my ability in the hopes that God's light would shine through me. I found myself at home with two little boys and that was my life. That is it. I felt unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I felt like I was wasting my call sitting and changing diapers and picking up toys over and over all day long. I went to Bible College and felt burdened for people and my ministry was to two boys. That is all I felt like I was touching. It didn't feel like enough.
So I found myself posting on a social network, looking for someone to meet up with for a "play-date" with my kids. I was so drained socially that I only could reach out over the Internet on a public site. That is how far my social life is down the drain. It is my own fault. I didn't cultivate relationships. I consider myself a kind person. I believe I am nice and encouraging. I think I am a pretty good listener and I can sympathize with the best and empathize with the worst. I built relationships at work but didn't bother to build them up outside of work so when I find myself without co-workers to relate to I feel like I have a blank wall and don't know them as well as I imagined I did. I also took my relationship with my sister for granted. I built that up and socialized with her instead of building friendships with other people and so now as I find her traveling the country I find myself without a friend to go do things with. I know plenty of people but I doubt any them would count me among their top 3 friends, or even their top 5. I don't even know how many would consider me in their top 10. Ha ha! I don't think I am unfriendly by any means, I just never worked towards making friends in the first place, or making myself known as an available friend.
Thankfully, God called me friend. And thankfully He had a plan. Through my pathetic attempt at finding some social life for me God said, "I have got this. Just watch this happen and watch Me work!" Several people responded to my post and reached out of their comfort zones. I truly appreciate that. An idea also has surfaced through the thought of "minister where you are placed".
I am wondering if any other mom's might possibly be in the same sort of slump? Maybe they are feeling lonely, trapped, or overwhelmed? I have felt so much more joy after realizing that God is the one in control of each of the circumstances I find myself in. I have to know that he has the best interest at heart. I realize that joy comes from Him and that it is my job to grab hold of that joy and receive it. If I don't I will find myself miserable and longing for a life that I don't have. Am I always thrilled to death with the fact I am home with my boys 24 hours a day without a car and without anything in safe walking distance? No. I am not always thrilled but I am finding myself choosing joy more often. I am finding myself seeing a future where I am feeling useful and where I am ministering where I feel the calling of God. Shane has told me before that there are mom's who would kill to be able to stay at home with their babies. I usually snap back at him, "I am not one of those moms!" But when I am honest in my heart, there is no better place for me right now. My boys could not be in better hands than the hands God has placed them in, and for now, those happen to be my hands. So, thank you God for my sweet baby boys. Thank you for their different personalities. Thank you for their health and safety.
One thing that amazes me each day: Even when I make mistakes and get frustrated and angry at my babies they still come to me with a longing face and calm their crying in my embrace. They desire to be near me and loved by me and would not wish to be comforted by any other person in the world. So in conclusion: Thank you God, most of all, for their small hearts full of love for me.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Healthy Habit of Fear
Everyone has had something they feared at some point in their life, whether it was the imagined fears of childhood, or very real and verifiable fears that exist in the world in which we live. I believe everyone has fears. Some people respond to fear by taking preventative measures, some respond once they are in the midst of the circumstance that frightens them, and some respond only after the instance has occurred and has past through reliving it over and over in their minds frightening them even more.
Some fear is healthy. Take for instance the fear of germs, when rational and in perspective a healthy fear for germs is excellent and brings a person to live a healthier lifestyle. But fear can be taken out to extremes and become totally and utterly unhealthy. Fear can paralyze a person from ever doing anything or becoming anyone.
I have an irrational fear of my feet being uncovered at night which started when I was very young. We were visiting my grandmother's church and a man came into our Sunday school class to share his story. The only part I remember is that he told us that he didn't obey God and one night God took his leg(s) and he showed us his prosthesis. In my childhood imagination the way I understood his story was that one night he went to bed and in the morning he woke up and his legs were gone because God had taken them. I know that in truth I am sure there was some sort of accident and surgery and recovery period and the man meant that there were consequences for choices you make. But, to me, I never could sleep with my feet uncovered because I thought someone might take my legs in my sleep, AND I couldn't sleep with socks on because I wanted to be able to feel my toes touching my sheets so I knew my feet were there. Now as crazy at that sounds I have yet to completely grow out of that thought as I go to bed every night and take my socks off. I don't know how many people in my life have ever heard that story or know that about me. It isn't that I am afraid anymore of my legs being taken in my sleep, it is just a habit now that has become difficult to break.
I don't think everyone has fears like that but I know everyone fears something. Some people fear the uncertainty of the future and work painstakingly to have their next moves planned out. Some people fear taking the next step when it comes to changes in their life.
Let me tell you one thing about fear, whatever you fear controls you. Have you thought of that? If you fear germs you tend to think about them a lot. You tend to take action to protect yourself against them. Even if it is just a small fear, where you wash your hands after touching something you know is dirty. (I do hope all of you have at least that much fear of germs). Whatever you fear you tend to respect its power, whether it is the power it could posses over you (such as germs making you wretchedly sick) or you respect the power that it demonstrates in the world (gravity makes things fall so don't just leave your rolling infant on the bed unsupervised). Fear isn't all bad or evil. We need to fear to some extent. We need to be vigilant when we are going somewhere alone and avoid going somewhere alone at night, especially when you are a woman in a shady area. There is just a common sense to the emotion of fear. God gave us the emotions we have. God gave us the ability to fear.
Here is one type of fear you should work on having more of. We need to fear God. Seriously? Fear? God loves us, yes. God saves us, yes. But too often we hold that up and let it overshadow the fact that God is God. God is just. God is Creator. God is LORD. Do you fear your boss? (if you have one) do you just sit in the break room and talk all day and never do your work? Do you say whatever you want about him and goof off in meetings? God is not your boss. No. He is not going to fire you and He does not pay you a salary each week to help keep the roof over your head and clothes on your back and food on your table. God is our CREATOR. He spoke the world into being. He said "Let there be light!" and there was. He formed Adam and Eve with His hands. He breathed life into them. He knit you together in your mother's womb! On top of that: He reached down and chose you to be saved. He CHOSE you! He deemed you worth His love, worth His time and worth His Son's life! He didn't even stop there. He is continually interested and working in your life to make you who He would want you to be. He holds the power to stop your life whenever He is ready to. He has the power to give you the world, or to take every last thing you posses away. God has that power. Are you fearing Him yet? Sure you say, He wouldn't do that to someone who is doing the work of the Lord. He wouldn't make my life difficult if I am striving to serve Him and do my best. Hmm. Let's see I think I have heard a story about a man who was living a wonderful life and was serving God with all his heart. I think God called him "upright" and "perfect" in the KJV version of the Bible. Job had it all going for him. God had blessed him and God allowed all of it to be taken away in a very short time span.
And yet too often we go through life ignoring God's goodness and frankly, ignoring His power over us. We take control of our own life and say "As long as I am doing the 'good' and 'right' thing then what does it matter if I make these decisions and if I just push this part along a little bit for God. I know He is busy with those other people who need His help A LOT more than I do." And we all the sudden find ourselves driving the sled instead of sitting and waiting on the Lord.
That is my challenge today. Fear the Lord. Fear God. Let Him have the respect and the honor He is due and stop taking it from Him.
To my journey:
If you are interested in the job situation we have going on: The trip to MI got cancelled and so we are once again in limbo. A church in Oklahoma has our resume but we don't know anything promising, We appreciate the prayers for our family as we attempt to continue our wait on the Lord and serve where He has placed us. Shane has begun observing and helping with the youth group at our Church here in MO. We are blessed with a church that loves us and is willing to help us anyway they can.
Family is doing well. The boys are growing quicker then I could imagine. Their birthdays are around the corner and I am amazed at how quickly the first year has gone by. I feel as if having two keep me busy has made the year fly by. I am trying my best to make memories that will last. Some days are much easier than others to accomplish that. I just hope my memory can hold on to something.
Some fear is healthy. Take for instance the fear of germs, when rational and in perspective a healthy fear for germs is excellent and brings a person to live a healthier lifestyle. But fear can be taken out to extremes and become totally and utterly unhealthy. Fear can paralyze a person from ever doing anything or becoming anyone.
I have an irrational fear of my feet being uncovered at night which started when I was very young. We were visiting my grandmother's church and a man came into our Sunday school class to share his story. The only part I remember is that he told us that he didn't obey God and one night God took his leg(s) and he showed us his prosthesis. In my childhood imagination the way I understood his story was that one night he went to bed and in the morning he woke up and his legs were gone because God had taken them. I know that in truth I am sure there was some sort of accident and surgery and recovery period and the man meant that there were consequences for choices you make. But, to me, I never could sleep with my feet uncovered because I thought someone might take my legs in my sleep, AND I couldn't sleep with socks on because I wanted to be able to feel my toes touching my sheets so I knew my feet were there. Now as crazy at that sounds I have yet to completely grow out of that thought as I go to bed every night and take my socks off. I don't know how many people in my life have ever heard that story or know that about me. It isn't that I am afraid anymore of my legs being taken in my sleep, it is just a habit now that has become difficult to break.
I don't think everyone has fears like that but I know everyone fears something. Some people fear the uncertainty of the future and work painstakingly to have their next moves planned out. Some people fear taking the next step when it comes to changes in their life.
Let me tell you one thing about fear, whatever you fear controls you. Have you thought of that? If you fear germs you tend to think about them a lot. You tend to take action to protect yourself against them. Even if it is just a small fear, where you wash your hands after touching something you know is dirty. (I do hope all of you have at least that much fear of germs). Whatever you fear you tend to respect its power, whether it is the power it could posses over you (such as germs making you wretchedly sick) or you respect the power that it demonstrates in the world (gravity makes things fall so don't just leave your rolling infant on the bed unsupervised). Fear isn't all bad or evil. We need to fear to some extent. We need to be vigilant when we are going somewhere alone and avoid going somewhere alone at night, especially when you are a woman in a shady area. There is just a common sense to the emotion of fear. God gave us the emotions we have. God gave us the ability to fear.
Here is one type of fear you should work on having more of. We need to fear God. Seriously? Fear? God loves us, yes. God saves us, yes. But too often we hold that up and let it overshadow the fact that God is God. God is just. God is Creator. God is LORD. Do you fear your boss? (if you have one) do you just sit in the break room and talk all day and never do your work? Do you say whatever you want about him and goof off in meetings? God is not your boss. No. He is not going to fire you and He does not pay you a salary each week to help keep the roof over your head and clothes on your back and food on your table. God is our CREATOR. He spoke the world into being. He said "Let there be light!" and there was. He formed Adam and Eve with His hands. He breathed life into them. He knit you together in your mother's womb! On top of that: He reached down and chose you to be saved. He CHOSE you! He deemed you worth His love, worth His time and worth His Son's life! He didn't even stop there. He is continually interested and working in your life to make you who He would want you to be. He holds the power to stop your life whenever He is ready to. He has the power to give you the world, or to take every last thing you posses away. God has that power. Are you fearing Him yet? Sure you say, He wouldn't do that to someone who is doing the work of the Lord. He wouldn't make my life difficult if I am striving to serve Him and do my best. Hmm. Let's see I think I have heard a story about a man who was living a wonderful life and was serving God with all his heart. I think God called him "upright" and "perfect" in the KJV version of the Bible. Job had it all going for him. God had blessed him and God allowed all of it to be taken away in a very short time span.
And yet too often we go through life ignoring God's goodness and frankly, ignoring His power over us. We take control of our own life and say "As long as I am doing the 'good' and 'right' thing then what does it matter if I make these decisions and if I just push this part along a little bit for God. I know He is busy with those other people who need His help A LOT more than I do." And we all the sudden find ourselves driving the sled instead of sitting and waiting on the Lord.
That is my challenge today. Fear the Lord. Fear God. Let Him have the respect and the honor He is due and stop taking it from Him.
To my journey:
If you are interested in the job situation we have going on: The trip to MI got cancelled and so we are once again in limbo. A church in Oklahoma has our resume but we don't know anything promising, We appreciate the prayers for our family as we attempt to continue our wait on the Lord and serve where He has placed us. Shane has begun observing and helping with the youth group at our Church here in MO. We are blessed with a church that loves us and is willing to help us anyway they can.
Family is doing well. The boys are growing quicker then I could imagine. Their birthdays are around the corner and I am amazed at how quickly the first year has gone by. I feel as if having two keep me busy has made the year fly by. I am trying my best to make memories that will last. Some days are much easier than others to accomplish that. I just hope my memory can hold on to something.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
A Place I am Coming From
Worry. Anxiety. Stress.
"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.
Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.
I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.
In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.
In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.
When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.
Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.
My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.
I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.
What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.
Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.
I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).
And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).
You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.
"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.
"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.
Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.
I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.
In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.
In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.
When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.
Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.
My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.
I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.
What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.
Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.
I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).
And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).
You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.
"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
prayer
So I have been thinking a pretty great deal lately about prayer.
I have always felt a strong emphasis on prayer in my life.
It is amazing to think about praying in a picture form. A Christian has an all access pass to God's throne room. Imagine this beautiful room with a throne and on it is God. But we can go into Him whenever we want to. We just say Heavenly Father, or God Almighty, or Creator, or whatever you want to say to address Him. And we are welcomed into Him. Now it is up to you how you proceed. If you feel guilt you may just stand in the door way and fall to your knees hiding your face and crawling begging Him to look on you with forgiveness. Perhaps you feel joy and leap into the room and jump onto the arm of His throne wrapping your arm around Him as a friend. Maybe you are sad and lonely and you walk up to Him and wrap your arms around his neck and allow Him to scoop you up onto His lap. Sometimes you are in awe of Him and just stand or kneel amazed in front of Him just taking in all the beauty. And the thing is that no matter where you stand, sit, or kneel there is this film that covers you (or perhaps it covers the eye's of God) that is crimson. It is only because of this film (or lens) that we can be seen and heard by God. Jesus' blood and sacrifice is that film. We can boldly come before the throne of Grace because of that sacrifice! So beautiful.
Prayer is so powerful and important. You can converse always to God and you can always count on Him to hear you, to listen, and to answer. Now I am not saying that you should loose any respect for Him in the process. A child can ask a father for anything in the world and it doesn't mean the father will give it to them. Even the most attentive and generous father will not grant a child everything he asks. Also, just because the child asks lots of questions or gets scared or confused, it does not mean that the child has forgotten who their father is or that he is their leader and guide. God is our Father. He is the Perfect Father. We can talk to Him at anytime, about anything. I think that is pretty amazing.
In my journey right now we are at a standstill. Still waiting on Him to lead the way. We have a date in March for a church in Michigan to see if that might be the door he opens for us. The other step we have taken is to visit the youth department of our church here in Missouri to watch how the youth pastor runs his department and see his style of ministry.
I have been praying a lot about my heart in this whole situation. In my life it has been my desire to work with children or ladies in a foreign field. To my dismay my husband feels that youth is his passion whether here in the United States or abroad is not a factor. My experience as a teenager and my abilities now to connect to that age range are not very good. Especially when it comes to connecting to the teenage girl in today's society. I have never been a shopper or into purses, make-up, and fashions. I don't know my music artists or my celebs. So I have prayed, hard. I have always had the belief that I would follow my husband to anything and any place. I vowed to do my very best at whatever I needed to do. I told him that youth was not my passion right now, but I was willing to do it if he believed it was his. Lately, though, God has been working on me. After my first visit with the youth group at my church here in Missouri I felt a relief. I realized that connecting was going to be an issue no matter what type of teenager I had been in my past, and no matter what type of adult I am now. Teenagers are a vast group of people with a even greater array of personalities. The problem was that I wasn't supposed to connect with them. I am supposed to connect them with Christ. That means I don't need to try to be like them. It means I need to strive to be as much like Christ as I can be and pray that I can get them to follow Him too. I just need to keep working on my life and be open and loving to them. And I already know I have a passion for that.
I suppose, in my head, I had discriminated against teen girls in a way that wasn't Godly. I had categorized them into a clump (stereotyped) and that was wrong of me. I was so worried about not living up to the ideal teen girl, when who in their right mind wants to be categorized as a teen girl when they are 26 years old!
Now all this I got from praying openly to God about my feelings and my fears. And God answered me. This is what prayer does for me.
Keep praying and keep listening. God will hear and answer you. He can work on your heart and He wants to. Just be open and honest to Him. Remember that He already knows anyway, so spill your heart to Him.
I have always felt a strong emphasis on prayer in my life.
It is amazing to think about praying in a picture form. A Christian has an all access pass to God's throne room. Imagine this beautiful room with a throne and on it is God. But we can go into Him whenever we want to. We just say Heavenly Father, or God Almighty, or Creator, or whatever you want to say to address Him. And we are welcomed into Him. Now it is up to you how you proceed. If you feel guilt you may just stand in the door way and fall to your knees hiding your face and crawling begging Him to look on you with forgiveness. Perhaps you feel joy and leap into the room and jump onto the arm of His throne wrapping your arm around Him as a friend. Maybe you are sad and lonely and you walk up to Him and wrap your arms around his neck and allow Him to scoop you up onto His lap. Sometimes you are in awe of Him and just stand or kneel amazed in front of Him just taking in all the beauty. And the thing is that no matter where you stand, sit, or kneel there is this film that covers you (or perhaps it covers the eye's of God) that is crimson. It is only because of this film (or lens) that we can be seen and heard by God. Jesus' blood and sacrifice is that film. We can boldly come before the throne of Grace because of that sacrifice! So beautiful.
Prayer is so powerful and important. You can converse always to God and you can always count on Him to hear you, to listen, and to answer. Now I am not saying that you should loose any respect for Him in the process. A child can ask a father for anything in the world and it doesn't mean the father will give it to them. Even the most attentive and generous father will not grant a child everything he asks. Also, just because the child asks lots of questions or gets scared or confused, it does not mean that the child has forgotten who their father is or that he is their leader and guide. God is our Father. He is the Perfect Father. We can talk to Him at anytime, about anything. I think that is pretty amazing.
In my journey right now we are at a standstill. Still waiting on Him to lead the way. We have a date in March for a church in Michigan to see if that might be the door he opens for us. The other step we have taken is to visit the youth department of our church here in Missouri to watch how the youth pastor runs his department and see his style of ministry.
I have been praying a lot about my heart in this whole situation. In my life it has been my desire to work with children or ladies in a foreign field. To my dismay my husband feels that youth is his passion whether here in the United States or abroad is not a factor. My experience as a teenager and my abilities now to connect to that age range are not very good. Especially when it comes to connecting to the teenage girl in today's society. I have never been a shopper or into purses, make-up, and fashions. I don't know my music artists or my celebs. So I have prayed, hard. I have always had the belief that I would follow my husband to anything and any place. I vowed to do my very best at whatever I needed to do. I told him that youth was not my passion right now, but I was willing to do it if he believed it was his. Lately, though, God has been working on me. After my first visit with the youth group at my church here in Missouri I felt a relief. I realized that connecting was going to be an issue no matter what type of teenager I had been in my past, and no matter what type of adult I am now. Teenagers are a vast group of people with a even greater array of personalities. The problem was that I wasn't supposed to connect with them. I am supposed to connect them with Christ. That means I don't need to try to be like them. It means I need to strive to be as much like Christ as I can be and pray that I can get them to follow Him too. I just need to keep working on my life and be open and loving to them. And I already know I have a passion for that.
I suppose, in my head, I had discriminated against teen girls in a way that wasn't Godly. I had categorized them into a clump (stereotyped) and that was wrong of me. I was so worried about not living up to the ideal teen girl, when who in their right mind wants to be categorized as a teen girl when they are 26 years old!
Now all this I got from praying openly to God about my feelings and my fears. And God answered me. This is what prayer does for me.
Keep praying and keep listening. God will hear and answer you. He can work on your heart and He wants to. Just be open and honest to Him. Remember that He already knows anyway, so spill your heart to Him.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Going and going (before it is gone)...
This thing called life just doesn't slow down.
The boys:
They are growing faster then I ever remember growing. My toddler is using sentences and discovering more and more words without me having to teach them to him. The "seizures" have not returned as of yet and his EEG came back normal for now so we are just going to go on living normally and keeping our eyes on him. The baby is attempting to stand more often. He is just now getting the hang of crawling with his tummy off the floor but I don't think it will be too long before he just wants to walk.
I am not as good of a mom as I dreamed I would be. I don't do activities well with my boys like I wish I did. I get so many ideas in my head of things that would be so neat to do but then I get frustrated or worn out and just want them to play on their own and stop bugging me. And that is the point where I look at myself from the outside and say "what are you thinking? One day they will be bigger and self sufficient and you will wish you had their little hands tugging on you and their little heads leaning into you, and their little eyes looking up at you begging you to play." And I have to admit I was wrong to push them away. The toddler came up to me today, after an episode like this, and took his small hands to the sides of my face and said "Mommy isses?" I repeated "Does mommy want kisses?" He nodded his head and said "Mommy isses." And bent in and gave the sweetest kisses a mommy could ask for. And I just about cried. I love my boys. I just struggle with finding joy in each day I am with them stuck at home. And that is my wrong.
The job:
My husband and I had an interview after Christmas for a youth position at a church in MI. We were thrilled that we had been called but weren't going in expecting much. Turns out we got called back and will be traveling to Garden City in March to visit the church and see if we might be a fit. We are continuing to pray for guidance, wisdom, and peace in the job situation. I am continually grateful for my husband's job with the school district here in MO but our passion is in ministry. We are going to continue looking for the place God has for us in ministry even if this church in MI isn't it.
My life:
Like I said above I have several areas to work on. I need to work on my mothering skills and finding the joy in that. Raising these boys needs to be fun. I know it can be, I just need to work on making it fun, for all involved.
Being the wife I need to be is also important. There has to be a place where God would have me balanced between caring for these sweet boys and still keeping my husband first. I need to be sure I am meeting his needs and keeping up with what is important to him. He likes the house clean and so I need to be sure that in having fun with the boys I don't make excuses to ignore the home.
Praying needs to be forefront in my life. I need to pray for a balance. I need to pray for so much. It is amazing how much I need to pray. It soothes me and renews me. It strengthens me and empowers me. It fills me and lightens my spirit.
God has amazing things in store. I need to depend on Him and Him alone.
The boys:
They are growing faster then I ever remember growing. My toddler is using sentences and discovering more and more words without me having to teach them to him. The "seizures" have not returned as of yet and his EEG came back normal for now so we are just going to go on living normally and keeping our eyes on him. The baby is attempting to stand more often. He is just now getting the hang of crawling with his tummy off the floor but I don't think it will be too long before he just wants to walk.
I am not as good of a mom as I dreamed I would be. I don't do activities well with my boys like I wish I did. I get so many ideas in my head of things that would be so neat to do but then I get frustrated or worn out and just want them to play on their own and stop bugging me. And that is the point where I look at myself from the outside and say "what are you thinking? One day they will be bigger and self sufficient and you will wish you had their little hands tugging on you and their little heads leaning into you, and their little eyes looking up at you begging you to play." And I have to admit I was wrong to push them away. The toddler came up to me today, after an episode like this, and took his small hands to the sides of my face and said "Mommy isses?" I repeated "Does mommy want kisses?" He nodded his head and said "Mommy isses." And bent in and gave the sweetest kisses a mommy could ask for. And I just about cried. I love my boys. I just struggle with finding joy in each day I am with them stuck at home. And that is my wrong.
The job:
My husband and I had an interview after Christmas for a youth position at a church in MI. We were thrilled that we had been called but weren't going in expecting much. Turns out we got called back and will be traveling to Garden City in March to visit the church and see if we might be a fit. We are continuing to pray for guidance, wisdom, and peace in the job situation. I am continually grateful for my husband's job with the school district here in MO but our passion is in ministry. We are going to continue looking for the place God has for us in ministry even if this church in MI isn't it.
My life:
Like I said above I have several areas to work on. I need to work on my mothering skills and finding the joy in that. Raising these boys needs to be fun. I know it can be, I just need to work on making it fun, for all involved.
Being the wife I need to be is also important. There has to be a place where God would have me balanced between caring for these sweet boys and still keeping my husband first. I need to be sure I am meeting his needs and keeping up with what is important to him. He likes the house clean and so I need to be sure that in having fun with the boys I don't make excuses to ignore the home.
Praying needs to be forefront in my life. I need to pray for a balance. I need to pray for so much. It is amazing how much I need to pray. It soothes me and renews me. It strengthens me and empowers me. It fills me and lightens my spirit.
God has amazing things in store. I need to depend on Him and Him alone.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Christmas Blessing
My weekend has been a mess. My oldest son had an accident Friday evening. He passed out and stopped breathing. Now for any mom that is scary. I am trained in CPR and first aid... But did that click in immediately, no. I remember thinking about calling my husband first! I mean this is all in a split second. I realized my folly in that idea and dialed emergency help so it would just be a push of a button if I needed them. And I prepared to do rescue breathing. And the thought crossed my mind that I should dress him warmer cause if we had to go out he would be cold! Seriously my mind was so strange. Thankfully he came out of it without my help. I sat and held him for a few minutes and he was so shaky. I beat myself up alittle about not taking him in on the weekend. But you make decisions based on life experiences. I decided to wait til Monday to call his normal Dr. Well, we are now seeing another Dr. And probably a pediatric neurologist later.
I don't know if you can really be grateful for each breath you get until you watch someone not breathe. We aren't strangers of this. My son had apnea when he was born and went without breathing at times. We were trained in infant CPR before we could take him home with us. Thankfully I have never had to use CPR on anyone yet.
Though him breathing in that life giving air was blessing enough, we also received a wonderful blessing when we got home from the Dr. today, knowing we would have more doctors to visit in the near future for my son. We found three Christmas cards in the mail with checks inside. I know the people who sent the money never knew what we would be going though right now but God did. We were talking on the way home from the appointment about needing to stay home for Christmas instead of going to be with family. But when we saw the checks I cried. God is always faithful. Thank you to Hartwell Baptist and Pastor Trammel your check is getting us to family for Christmas. Ggma, and gpa Fred God used your checks and cards as an encouragement to us after a very hard weekend of worry and fretting about what to do.
What have I learned:
Never take a day with your kids for granted.
Never expect the next breath to just come.
Never worry about your needs not being met. God knows what you need when you need it. And he throws in a little extra every once in awhile just because he can!
My God loves and cares about me and he knows the desires of my heart.
Man, December has been full of lessons. I was only going to write once a month at most. But this was too big not to share.
I don't know if you can really be grateful for each breath you get until you watch someone not breathe. We aren't strangers of this. My son had apnea when he was born and went without breathing at times. We were trained in infant CPR before we could take him home with us. Thankfully I have never had to use CPR on anyone yet.
Though him breathing in that life giving air was blessing enough, we also received a wonderful blessing when we got home from the Dr. today, knowing we would have more doctors to visit in the near future for my son. We found three Christmas cards in the mail with checks inside. I know the people who sent the money never knew what we would be going though right now but God did. We were talking on the way home from the appointment about needing to stay home for Christmas instead of going to be with family. But when we saw the checks I cried. God is always faithful. Thank you to Hartwell Baptist and Pastor Trammel your check is getting us to family for Christmas. Ggma, and gpa Fred God used your checks and cards as an encouragement to us after a very hard weekend of worry and fretting about what to do.
What have I learned:
Never take a day with your kids for granted.
Never expect the next breath to just come.
Never worry about your needs not being met. God knows what you need when you need it. And he throws in a little extra every once in awhile just because he can!
My God loves and cares about me and he knows the desires of my heart.
Man, December has been full of lessons. I was only going to write once a month at most. But this was too big not to share.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Christmas Season
The Christmas Season is upon us once again.
This year my son is understanding more about the Christmas story. He is also learning what traditions we do and so it has been very exciting to see his eyes light up when we got the tree out and set up, and when we got the nativities out. I know by next year he will be ready for the traditions he plays a part in, like advent and maybe an elf will come visit.
I get so caught up in the lists of things that need to get done and in the thought of "Am I doing this right?" Being a mom now, I have a strong desire to make the holidays fun and memorable for my family. The problems arise when I start allowing worry to creep in and steal my joy.
A baby King was born in a stable because of love. The baby King was born in that stable... but He was the King of Kings. The baby was laid in the scratchy hay, not because it was what He wanted, or even what He had planned. It was because it was God's will for Him to be born in Bethlehem. It was God's will for Him to be born to Mary. It was God's will that He should be sent to the earth in the first place. It was God's will that He would send his ONLY son to the den of sinners, to be brought up among the human race. To be taught, touched and held by the people of the world. People, that to God, were not able to be looked upon. People who were covered in filth and disgusting grime. Who were drenched in the stench of their self-love and self-righteousness. These were the people he was sending his ONLY Son to! Why? Because it was God's will! Jesus was obedient and willingly went. He came into the world naked, cold, wet and weak. He was fragile, dependent upon His mother for everything.
Jesus was Mary's first child. She was a first-time mom. She was young, but in those days she had experience with children and knew what to expect. Even so, as any new mom will tell you, you never can be totally prepared. I can imagine her looking down at her baby boy just in awe of the miracle of life. I am sure she remembered that He was her Lord, but He was still a baby. Her baby.
I wonder at the scene just after His birth. Joseph there with the child that isn't his, laying it on Mary's chest. I wonder if Mary slept with Him in her arms to warm Him and to just feel Him against her. And when she finally did lay Him in the manger: I wonder what she thought, as she smoothed the hay down with one hand, before setting her King in the trough.
"Is this good enough for my King? Never in a million years. Is it good enough for my child? No. Is it the best option I have? Is it the best I can do with what I have? Yes. So it will have to be good enough." And she laid him down to sleep. I can imagine that she watched him with her adrenaline pumping through her body. She listened to him breathe in and out. It was the best she could do with what she had. I wonder if she worried or fretted over that decision. Perhaps Joseph was the worrier.
That brings me to my journey:
Right now I am a stay-at-home mom. I live and breathe my children. I try my best to stay in the Word and to study to keep my mind fresh, but my kids are my job. There are days I think about how I miss working. I think about how I am a bump on a log. I think about the fact that I am not contributing to the income of my house. At times I begin to feel useless despite the work I do at home. In my head work is work and home is home (an idea I am attempting to change for myself, but it is slow going). This story and this meditation brought me to a realization: God doesn't demand the best in the world. God demands the best in me. God doesn't demand the most worthy to do his bidding. He demands me to go and do. God doesn't demand me to go and do like so-and-so. God demands me to go and do with what I have to offer, like He would have me to do it. He asks me to do it the best that I can with the gifts He has bestowed upon me. So, no, I won't be doing anything the same as you. I won't necessarily be doing better. I will be doing it how God wants me to. I need to place my joy in that and stop worrying so much about what I am doing and how others are doing it.
God didn't demand that His Son be laid on a feather bed in an ivory crib dressed in satin and silk in a golden palace full of nurses, maids and servants, where music flowed from harps and birthday gifts piled high. He was pleased with the worn wooden stable, the crude manger, the golden hay, and torn rags. He allowed His Son to be watched over by cows, donkeys and goats, sung to by angels, adored by shepherds and graced by foreigners, years later, bringing belated birthday gifts. God has a strange idea of what is pleasing in His sight. Then again, God has a strange way of doing a lot of things!
This Christmas Season find God's sense of joy. Find it in the little things that you can do. Stop trying to out-do someone. Stop trying to out-do yourself. Just do.
This year my son is understanding more about the Christmas story. He is also learning what traditions we do and so it has been very exciting to see his eyes light up when we got the tree out and set up, and when we got the nativities out. I know by next year he will be ready for the traditions he plays a part in, like advent and maybe an elf will come visit.
I get so caught up in the lists of things that need to get done and in the thought of "Am I doing this right?" Being a mom now, I have a strong desire to make the holidays fun and memorable for my family. The problems arise when I start allowing worry to creep in and steal my joy.
A baby King was born in a stable because of love. The baby King was born in that stable... but He was the King of Kings. The baby was laid in the scratchy hay, not because it was what He wanted, or even what He had planned. It was because it was God's will for Him to be born in Bethlehem. It was God's will for Him to be born to Mary. It was God's will that He should be sent to the earth in the first place. It was God's will that He would send his ONLY son to the den of sinners, to be brought up among the human race. To be taught, touched and held by the people of the world. People, that to God, were not able to be looked upon. People who were covered in filth and disgusting grime. Who were drenched in the stench of their self-love and self-righteousness. These were the people he was sending his ONLY Son to! Why? Because it was God's will! Jesus was obedient and willingly went. He came into the world naked, cold, wet and weak. He was fragile, dependent upon His mother for everything.
Jesus was Mary's first child. She was a first-time mom. She was young, but in those days she had experience with children and knew what to expect. Even so, as any new mom will tell you, you never can be totally prepared. I can imagine her looking down at her baby boy just in awe of the miracle of life. I am sure she remembered that He was her Lord, but He was still a baby. Her baby.
I wonder at the scene just after His birth. Joseph there with the child that isn't his, laying it on Mary's chest. I wonder if Mary slept with Him in her arms to warm Him and to just feel Him against her. And when she finally did lay Him in the manger: I wonder what she thought, as she smoothed the hay down with one hand, before setting her King in the trough.
"Is this good enough for my King? Never in a million years. Is it good enough for my child? No. Is it the best option I have? Is it the best I can do with what I have? Yes. So it will have to be good enough." And she laid him down to sleep. I can imagine that she watched him with her adrenaline pumping through her body. She listened to him breathe in and out. It was the best she could do with what she had. I wonder if she worried or fretted over that decision. Perhaps Joseph was the worrier.
That brings me to my journey:
Right now I am a stay-at-home mom. I live and breathe my children. I try my best to stay in the Word and to study to keep my mind fresh, but my kids are my job. There are days I think about how I miss working. I think about how I am a bump on a log. I think about the fact that I am not contributing to the income of my house. At times I begin to feel useless despite the work I do at home. In my head work is work and home is home (an idea I am attempting to change for myself, but it is slow going). This story and this meditation brought me to a realization: God doesn't demand the best in the world. God demands the best in me. God doesn't demand the most worthy to do his bidding. He demands me to go and do. God doesn't demand me to go and do like so-and-so. God demands me to go and do with what I have to offer, like He would have me to do it. He asks me to do it the best that I can with the gifts He has bestowed upon me. So, no, I won't be doing anything the same as you. I won't necessarily be doing better. I will be doing it how God wants me to. I need to place my joy in that and stop worrying so much about what I am doing and how others are doing it.
God didn't demand that His Son be laid on a feather bed in an ivory crib dressed in satin and silk in a golden palace full of nurses, maids and servants, where music flowed from harps and birthday gifts piled high. He was pleased with the worn wooden stable, the crude manger, the golden hay, and torn rags. He allowed His Son to be watched over by cows, donkeys and goats, sung to by angels, adored by shepherds and graced by foreigners, years later, bringing belated birthday gifts. God has a strange idea of what is pleasing in His sight. Then again, God has a strange way of doing a lot of things!
This Christmas Season find God's sense of joy. Find it in the little things that you can do. Stop trying to out-do someone. Stop trying to out-do yourself. Just do.
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