Joy in Mothering?

This is being written for honesty sake and not for any other reason. I feel I need to be honest on this journey blog and sometimes being honest means sharing a part that is difficult to share or not the most flattering part of who you are. This is to remind the readers that this life is a journey and it is a journey I am trying to continually learn from and hopefully become better and better along the way.

Recently I went through a slump and found myself hitting a wall in finding the joy of mothering. I lashed out at each of my boys (including my husband). I was frustrated and irritated. I became easily angered and upset over things that were silly and pointless. One night as I was home alone trying to put the baby to bed (He was fighting it as hard as he could). I found myself growing more and more frustrated at him. Now, I would never, NEVER, hurt my child intentionally, but I was getting mad. I had rocked him and patted him and laid him in his crib and shut the door only to hear him begin screaming all over again. I would go in and try to calm him only to find that he was inconsolable. I would hold him again and get him calm and lay him back down, over and over. I finally was fed up and laid him down (probably rougher then I needed to) and yelled at him "Just go to sleep!" and slammed his door and slammed my door waking the 2-year-old in the process and of course making myself more irritated. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside. I saw myself laying the baby down and yelling and the calm voice in my head telling me "Just calm down. He doesn't know any better. Yelling will just make him scared and make it worse..." But listening to that voice was not on the agenda at that moment. I am not an angry person and I am not the type of person to be violent or aggressive. I chose not to return to their room. I didn't want to do anything else to make it worse. So, of course, as my boys were crying in their beds I began crying in my room. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I knew I had been holding in feelings for a long time and they just snapped. I reached out to my mom. I let her know what was going on and that I needed to talk.
She brought up something I suppose I had been ignoring. She said it was possible I was resenting the baby. As I wanted to say, "No way. I love him." I had to think about it and when I thought about it I realized that yes I was. I resented him. I resented Shane for talking me into wanting another child so soon. I resented the fact that I had to quit my job (that I LOVED) because we couldn't pay for both boys in daycare (I placed that on the baby too, because he was a larger chunk of that bill). I resented the fact that because I quit my job I have been stuck at home 24 hours a day with him and now he only wanted me ALL the time. I resented the fact that he was active and into everything and not calm like his brother had been. I resented that I can't do as many things with the 2-year-old as I had envisioned because I have a baby to watch over and haul around. I resented that I couldn't just go out because when I go out with the boys I have to be sure they are not going to get too tired while I am out, that the baby won't get hungry because I have no time to pump at home and trying to find a suitable, quiet and safe place to nurse in public is hard, especially one that keeps the 2-year-old contained and occupied. And leaving them home is not an option unless I have planned it in advance enough to be sure their dad is willing and able to watch them and that the baby won't need a bottle. Yes. I resented my baby. SERIOUSLY as ridiculous as this sounds! All the sudden I saw what I had done. As all these thoughts poured through my head. I began going through each one and thinking logically about them. It was not the baby's choice to be born. It wasn't his choice. It was our decision. It isn't like he was that much of a surprise. Sure, I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly but I did want a second child. God gave him to me when He did. God gave him to me like He did and in His timing and with His purpose. It isn't the baby's fault he gets tired and cranky or hungry. I need to be thankful that he has a pretty reliable schedule. I need to be thankful that he isn't like his older brother who never seemed set in any pattern. The baby naps around the same time every day and eats around the same time every day. I know when he is tired and I know when to expect him to get hungry. I know how to get him to sleep (most nights) and I know that he will sleep fine in his own bed (also unlike his big brother). This baby is not a burden. He is a gift. I seriously thought every negative thought through and knew I was the foolish one for having those thoughts. I was the one who needed a change and I knew I needed to work on some things.
First, I knew I was missing out on spiritual growth. I had been out of church for three weeks in a row because the baby was sick, then I was sick, then the toddler was sick. I was not in church, so secondly, I was missing out on social interactions. I relied on the quick "Hello"s in the hallways and the "how are you?"s  in the classrooms and the quick hug from a friend or two as I was leaving the service. Probably wouldn't be enough social interaction for a lot of people but it was enough to sustain me. It was also little enough that without it for three weeks I was a wreck of emotions and drained from the lack of it. Third, I was thinking about my lack of ministry. I felt useless. I didn't have my Sunday school class to teach each week. I didn't have the thought of a youth ministry that might possibly want to use us. I had felt needed and a part of something when I taught the Sunday school class. I felt like I was doing my part and that I was missed when I wasn't there. Now I felt like very few people noticed when I wasn't there. I also had lost the ministry I had as a hospital employee. I had thrown my all into doing my very best to serve the ladies I came in contact with at the hospital. I had the idea that that was a ministry. I served and tried to be humble and show a willingness to do whatever I was asked and do it to the best of my ability in the hopes that God's light would shine through me. I found myself at home with two little boys and that was my life. That is it. I felt unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I felt like I was wasting my call sitting and changing diapers and picking up toys over and over all day long. I went to Bible College and felt burdened for people and my ministry was to two boys. That is all I felt like I was touching. It didn't feel like enough.
So I found myself posting on a social network, looking for someone to meet up with for a "play-date" with my kids. I was so drained socially that I only could reach out over the Internet on a public site. That is how far my social life is down the drain. It is my own fault. I didn't cultivate relationships. I consider myself a kind person. I believe I am nice and encouraging. I think I am a pretty good listener and I can sympathize with the best and empathize with the worst. I built relationships at work but didn't bother to build them up outside of work so when I find myself without co-workers to relate to I feel like I have a blank wall and don't know them as well as I imagined I did. I also took my relationship with my sister for granted. I built that up and socialized with her instead of building friendships with other people and so now as I find her traveling the country I find myself without a friend to go do things with. I know plenty of people but I doubt any them would count me among their top 3 friends, or even their top 5. I don't even know how many would consider me in their top 10. Ha ha! I don't think I am unfriendly by any means, I just never worked towards making friends in the first place, or making myself known as an available friend.
Thankfully, God called me friend. And thankfully He had a plan. Through my pathetic attempt at finding some social life for me God said, "I have got this. Just watch this happen and watch Me work!" Several people responded to my post and reached out of their comfort zones. I truly appreciate that. An idea also has surfaced through the thought of "minister where you are placed".
I am wondering if any other mom's might possibly be in the same sort of slump? Maybe they are feeling lonely, trapped, or overwhelmed? I have felt so much more joy after realizing that God is the one in control of each of the circumstances I find myself in. I have to know that he has the best interest at heart. I realize that joy comes from Him and that it is my job to grab hold of that joy and receive it. If I don't I will find myself miserable and longing for a life that I don't have. Am I always thrilled to death with the fact I am home with my boys 24 hours a day without a car and without anything in safe walking distance? No. I am not always thrilled but I am finding myself choosing joy more often. I am finding myself seeing a future where I am feeling useful and where I am ministering where I feel the calling of God. Shane has told me before that there are mom's who would kill to be able to stay at home with their babies. I usually snap back at him, "I am not one of those moms!" But when I am honest in my heart, there is no better place for me right now. My boys could not be in better hands than the hands God has placed them in, and for now, those happen to be my hands. So, thank you God for my sweet baby boys. Thank you for their different personalities. Thank you for their health and safety.
One thing that amazes me each day: Even when I make mistakes and get frustrated and angry at my babies they still come to me with a longing face and calm their crying in my embrace. They desire to be near me and loved by me and would not wish to be comforted by any other person in the world. So in conclusion:  Thank you God, most of all, for their small hearts full of love for me.

The Healthy Habit of Fear

Everyone has had something they feared at some point in their life, whether it was the imagined fears of childhood, or very real and verifiable fears that exist in the world in which we live. I believe everyone has fears. Some people respond to fear by taking preventative measures, some respond once they are in the midst of the circumstance that frightens them, and some respond only after the instance has occurred and has past through reliving it over and over in their minds frightening them even more.

Some fear is healthy. Take for instance the fear of germs, when rational and in perspective a healthy fear for germs is excellent and brings a person to live a healthier lifestyle. But fear can be taken out to extremes and become totally and utterly unhealthy. Fear can paralyze a person from ever doing anything or becoming anyone.

I have an irrational fear of my feet being uncovered at night which started when I was very young. We were visiting my grandmother's church and a man came into our Sunday school class to share his story. The only part I remember is that he told us that he didn't obey God and one night God took his leg(s) and he showed us his prosthesis. In my childhood imagination the way I understood his story was that one night he went to bed and in the morning he woke up and his legs were gone because God had taken them. I know that in truth I am sure there was some sort of accident and surgery and recovery period and the man meant that there were consequences for choices you make. But, to me, I never could sleep with my feet uncovered because I thought someone might take my legs in my sleep, AND I couldn't sleep with socks on because I wanted to be able to feel my toes touching my sheets so I knew my feet were there. Now as crazy at that sounds I have yet to completely grow out of that thought as I go to bed every night and take my socks off. I don't know how many people in my life have ever heard that story or know that about me. It isn't that I am afraid anymore of my legs being taken in my sleep, it is just a habit now that has become difficult to break.
I don't think everyone has fears like that but I know everyone fears something. Some people fear the uncertainty of the future and work painstakingly to have their next moves planned out. Some people fear taking the next step when it comes to changes in their life.

Let me tell you one thing about fear, whatever you fear controls you. Have you thought of that? If you fear germs you tend to think about them a lot. You tend to take action to protect yourself against them. Even if it is just a small fear, where you wash your hands after touching something you know is dirty. (I do hope all of you have at least that much fear of germs). Whatever you fear you tend to respect its power, whether it is the power it could posses over you (such as germs making you wretchedly sick) or you respect the power that it demonstrates in the world (gravity makes things fall so don't just leave your rolling infant on the bed unsupervised). Fear isn't all bad or evil. We need to fear to some extent. We need to be vigilant when we are going somewhere alone and avoid going somewhere alone at night, especially when you are a woman in a shady area. There is just a common sense to the emotion of fear. God gave us the emotions we have. God gave us the ability to fear.

Here is one type of fear you should work on having more of. We need to fear God. Seriously? Fear? God loves us, yes. God saves us, yes. But too often we hold that up and let it overshadow the fact that God is God. God is just. God is Creator. God is LORD. Do you fear your boss? (if you have one) do you just sit in the break room and talk all day and never do your work? Do you say whatever you want about him and goof off in meetings? God is not your boss. No. He is not going to fire you and He does not pay you a salary each week to help keep the roof over your head and clothes on your back and food on your table. God is our CREATOR. He spoke the world into being. He said "Let there be light!" and there was. He formed Adam and Eve with His hands. He breathed life into them. He knit you together in your mother's womb! On top of that: He reached down and chose you to be saved. He CHOSE you! He deemed you worth His love, worth His time and worth His Son's life! He didn't even stop there. He is continually interested and working in your life to make you who He would want you to be. He holds the power to stop your life whenever He is ready to. He has the power to give you the world, or to take every last thing you posses away. God has that power. Are you fearing Him yet? Sure you say, He wouldn't do that to someone who is doing the work of the Lord. He wouldn't make my life difficult if I am striving to serve Him and do my best. Hmm. Let's see I think I have heard a story about a man who was living a wonderful life and was serving God with all his heart. I think God called him "upright" and "perfect" in the KJV version of the Bible. Job had it all going for him. God had blessed him and God allowed all of it to be taken away in a very short time span.

And yet too often we go through life ignoring God's goodness and frankly, ignoring His power over us. We take control of our own life and say "As long as I am doing the 'good' and 'right' thing then what does it matter if I make these decisions and if I just push this part along a little bit for God. I know He is busy with those other people who need His help A LOT more than I do." And we all the sudden find ourselves driving the sled instead of sitting and waiting on the Lord.

That is my challenge today. Fear the Lord. Fear God. Let Him have the respect and the honor He is due and stop taking it from Him.

To my journey:
If you are interested in the job situation we have going on: The trip to MI got cancelled and so we are once again in limbo. A church in Oklahoma has our resume but we don't know anything promising, We appreciate the prayers for our family as we attempt to continue our wait on the Lord and serve where He has placed us. Shane has begun observing and helping with the youth group at our Church here in MO. We are blessed with a church that loves us and is willing to help us anyway they can.

Family is doing well. The boys are growing quicker then I could imagine. Their birthdays are around the corner and I am amazed at how quickly the first year has gone by. I feel as if having two keep me busy has made the year fly by. I am trying my best to make memories that will last. Some days are much easier than others to accomplish that. I just hope my memory can hold on to something.