The Goings On the Journey

I must say these past 8 months have been a huge learning curve for Shane and I both. I have been learning my role in ministry. I still don't have it down yet but I am feeling more confident each day that God will help me get there and that He will help me to shift as my role needs to shift and that He is the ONLY way that I can even seem competent in my place.

I am learning a lot about relying on God to just help me focus on what I need to do and letting go of worrying about the things I think others ought to be doing.

IN OUR CHURCH:
Shane and I have been so blessed to be serving at our new church home in Ohio. We have a great group of teenagers. A lot of young excitement (both from us as a young couple starting out in ministry, and from the teens who have been eager and excited for a "new" face and all the "new" and "different" possibilities that entailed).

A big role, I have discovered, for me is to be a wife first of all. I know this seems awfully straight forward, but for me it wasn't. I had all these thoughts of what a youth pastor's wife should be doing for the teen girls. I had all these visions of sleep overs and make-up and nail-polish and Sunday school lessons on boys, dating, modesty (and yes even the "s-word") and Bible and book studies with just the ladies focusing them on growing in their life and walk to be mature and godly women. Then REALITY struck. My duty was first of all to be the wife I needed to be. That included watching and caring for my sons so that my husband could speak and teach with the teens and not be distracted by our children. That meant that on Sunday evenings my focus was to keep my toddler quiet and out of the room as much as possible and the same on Wednesdays. I needed to separate myself from the teen group in order to perform my role effectively and right. That struck me at first as counter productive. I had felt so strongly that my duty was to the girls in the youth department. But the Bible has taught me differently and in resting in that I have found so much peace in the fact that I am usually out babysitting my son when I am at church. That is okay. That is what God called me to do at this point in my ministry. I am not robbing anyone of anything. I am not robbing myself of an opportunity to serve, the truth is, I am serving. I am serving in a big way, because I am humbly doing what no body else will do (or can do) and I am doing it despite what my desires might be. I have also found that, even though sometimes it has been an inner struggle, my desire has shifted and I am finding joy in doing what needs to be done to serve Shane to the best of my ability in that area. Playing blocks with J in the back room brings me joy because I know that Shane is out teaching and I have done all that I can do help him stay focused on the task at hand and in turn I am helping the teens by allowing the Spirit to work without the 30 lb distraction running a-muck in the room.

IN OUR HOME:
Another thing I am working on is prioritizing Shane above the boys. It is so easy for me to say "Dishes didn't get done because J was so fussy." or "C wanted to play these games and I needed to help him so we didn't get dinner together yet." I have learned over the years what some of Shane's priorities are when it comes to the house chores. When I was doing my priorities first or the boys priorities first it was not working. Now that i have begun doing things (as much as possible) the way Shane would want them done I am finding that life seems to go a lot smoother. It isn't so much that his way is the better way (Although he would probably say that. ;) ) It is because in doing it by his priorities I am avoiding a lot of the stress and friction that there was between us and in turn things just run a whole lot smoother. I have found that instead of trying to be brushing each other the wrong way, as the wife I am to be the submissive one and let go of MY way and go with the flow. It is SO much easier to just let go and ride the flow. You might think how simple that sounds, but as women today it is not. We have "rights" and we have "dreams" and "goals" and "ambitions". Those things aren't bad at all, but when they get in the way of doing what we need to be doing they can become a negative.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will NEVER get to do what I want to do. Or that I will never reach my full potential. Right now, in my life, I have to learn how to prioritize differently and once I get that down and I get to where it is just second nature to meet Shane's needs and be the wife I need to be the rest will fall into place. Now, whether that means my "ambitions, desires, goals, and dreams" will shift to something else through the changes that take place, or whether I will find my time being more wisely used to the point where I have "spare" time to reach for those things has yet to be determined. All I know is that it feels so good to be doing things the way I was meant to be doing them and I am finding a lot more JOY filling my heart since just surrendering and letting go of how I THOUGHT it was supposed to be.

IN MY LIFE:
This has less to do with the ministry aspect and more with a personal one.
I have just been struggling off and on with the loss I faced this past fall. It has been so hard being away from those I cared about and even away from the church were I had grown so much. I was in a new church surrounded by completely new people and having to go through that feeling alone while not wanting to admit that because they are such loving and awesome people that surrounded us and loved on us each week. I still didn't really feel like I was "home" at that time. God brought an amazing couple into the picture and I was able make a friend (So hard for me to do). I am so blessed to have been able to build that relationship because God knew I desperately needed that as a "distraction" and as a part of my "edification". Through Danielle I have learned so much. She encourages me and pushes me. I am so blessed that God brought us together. Even now that she has moved away, we keep in touch and are going through a study together on being a godly wife. It has helped me with this whole "role seeking" trial I was going through with the new position and new church and even with trying to juggle two kids and a husband along the way. Basically, it has been one of the BEST studies I have done. (Probably, too, because I have actively been praying over this study each time I open the book up and asking God to just help me implement it in my life). Frankly, I knew I was headed down the path of bitterness and I knew that needed to change quickly. It wasn't anything anyone had done wrong (except myself), and the only place it would have led is disappointment, anger and frustration... if not pure destruction. I am so blessed. And today I can say I am so SO filled with true JOY! I am so EXCITED to see where God takes this life of mine. I am an empty shell just filled with anticipation on what God will flood my life with next. I no longer feel weighted down, sluggish and slow. I feel energized and ready for the day!

A DIFFICULT NOTE:
Speaking of the loss from the fall: I was working through some thoughts and wrote them down on a private blog but decided to share a piece of them here as well. You don't have to read them but for those of you who wish to;
Here is a glimpse into where I am at tonight:


My darling little one, as your due date draws ever nearer I am reminded more and more of the gaping absence of a swollen belly. The still absence of your wiggles and squirms. The thought of you not meeting me, or laying in my arms makes me sad and I cringe at how wrong it seems. On the same page, however, I realize that you were not meant to lay in my arms, you were not meant to be kissed by my lips. You were so special, God took you straight to His arms and into His loving embrace where He could kiss and comfort you and love on you. 

You were so special

God didn't want you on the earth for even one minute. 

He didn't want your lungs to breathe in the polluted air. 

He didn't want your hands to grasp at the dirty flesh of men. 

He didn't want your eyes to look on the filth surrounding us here. 

He wanted you to stay pure. 

He wanted you to stay free. 

He didn't want you to feel pain, 

or to shed even one single tear. 

He didn't desire you to grow old or weak. 

He didn't want you to have to fret or fear for anything for any length of time.

You had no sickness, no diseases. 

You never hungered or felt thirst. 

You were BLESSED.
And I am so HAPPY because of that.
You were BLESSED. And I am BLESSED to have known you as mine for even just that short time. Through realizing that as a gift, I must also realize that you were NEVER mine.

God allowed me to share in the WONDER that YOU ARE 

because 

HE is 

AMAZING CREATOR, 

FATHER, 

MERCIFUL, 

GRACIOUS, 

ALL-POWERFUL, 

OMNIPRESENT, 

GIVER and TAKER of life. 

And He is GOOD and FULL of LOVE for me and for you.

That is WHO my God is. 

That is WHY I am reminded I am: 

PRIVILEGED to have held you for those few weeks,
PRIVILEGED to have known you even existed!
PRIVILEGED to be able to find sorrow in the loss of you.
PRIVILEGED because God allowed it to be. 

And all things He performs in our lives is for OUR GOOD and for HIS GLORY. 

SO WE ARE PRIVILEGED INDEED!

Joy in Mothering?

This is being written for honesty sake and not for any other reason. I feel I need to be honest on this journey blog and sometimes being honest means sharing a part that is difficult to share or not the most flattering part of who you are. This is to remind the readers that this life is a journey and it is a journey I am trying to continually learn from and hopefully become better and better along the way.

Recently I went through a slump and found myself hitting a wall in finding the joy of mothering. I lashed out at each of my boys (including my husband). I was frustrated and irritated. I became easily angered and upset over things that were silly and pointless. One night as I was home alone trying to put the baby to bed (He was fighting it as hard as he could). I found myself growing more and more frustrated at him. Now, I would never, NEVER, hurt my child intentionally, but I was getting mad. I had rocked him and patted him and laid him in his crib and shut the door only to hear him begin screaming all over again. I would go in and try to calm him only to find that he was inconsolable. I would hold him again and get him calm and lay him back down, over and over. I finally was fed up and laid him down (probably rougher then I needed to) and yelled at him "Just go to sleep!" and slammed his door and slammed my door waking the 2-year-old in the process and of course making myself more irritated. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside. I saw myself laying the baby down and yelling and the calm voice in my head telling me "Just calm down. He doesn't know any better. Yelling will just make him scared and make it worse..." But listening to that voice was not on the agenda at that moment. I am not an angry person and I am not the type of person to be violent or aggressive. I chose not to return to their room. I didn't want to do anything else to make it worse. So, of course, as my boys were crying in their beds I began crying in my room. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I knew I had been holding in feelings for a long time and they just snapped. I reached out to my mom. I let her know what was going on and that I needed to talk.
She brought up something I suppose I had been ignoring. She said it was possible I was resenting the baby. As I wanted to say, "No way. I love him." I had to think about it and when I thought about it I realized that yes I was. I resented him. I resented Shane for talking me into wanting another child so soon. I resented the fact that I had to quit my job (that I LOVED) because we couldn't pay for both boys in daycare (I placed that on the baby too, because he was a larger chunk of that bill). I resented the fact that because I quit my job I have been stuck at home 24 hours a day with him and now he only wanted me ALL the time. I resented the fact that he was active and into everything and not calm like his brother had been. I resented that I can't do as many things with the 2-year-old as I had envisioned because I have a baby to watch over and haul around. I resented that I couldn't just go out because when I go out with the boys I have to be sure they are not going to get too tired while I am out, that the baby won't get hungry because I have no time to pump at home and trying to find a suitable, quiet and safe place to nurse in public is hard, especially one that keeps the 2-year-old contained and occupied. And leaving them home is not an option unless I have planned it in advance enough to be sure their dad is willing and able to watch them and that the baby won't need a bottle. Yes. I resented my baby. SERIOUSLY as ridiculous as this sounds! All the sudden I saw what I had done. As all these thoughts poured through my head. I began going through each one and thinking logically about them. It was not the baby's choice to be born. It wasn't his choice. It was our decision. It isn't like he was that much of a surprise. Sure, I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly but I did want a second child. God gave him to me when He did. God gave him to me like He did and in His timing and with His purpose. It isn't the baby's fault he gets tired and cranky or hungry. I need to be thankful that he has a pretty reliable schedule. I need to be thankful that he isn't like his older brother who never seemed set in any pattern. The baby naps around the same time every day and eats around the same time every day. I know when he is tired and I know when to expect him to get hungry. I know how to get him to sleep (most nights) and I know that he will sleep fine in his own bed (also unlike his big brother). This baby is not a burden. He is a gift. I seriously thought every negative thought through and knew I was the foolish one for having those thoughts. I was the one who needed a change and I knew I needed to work on some things.
First, I knew I was missing out on spiritual growth. I had been out of church for three weeks in a row because the baby was sick, then I was sick, then the toddler was sick. I was not in church, so secondly, I was missing out on social interactions. I relied on the quick "Hello"s in the hallways and the "how are you?"s  in the classrooms and the quick hug from a friend or two as I was leaving the service. Probably wouldn't be enough social interaction for a lot of people but it was enough to sustain me. It was also little enough that without it for three weeks I was a wreck of emotions and drained from the lack of it. Third, I was thinking about my lack of ministry. I felt useless. I didn't have my Sunday school class to teach each week. I didn't have the thought of a youth ministry that might possibly want to use us. I had felt needed and a part of something when I taught the Sunday school class. I felt like I was doing my part and that I was missed when I wasn't there. Now I felt like very few people noticed when I wasn't there. I also had lost the ministry I had as a hospital employee. I had thrown my all into doing my very best to serve the ladies I came in contact with at the hospital. I had the idea that that was a ministry. I served and tried to be humble and show a willingness to do whatever I was asked and do it to the best of my ability in the hopes that God's light would shine through me. I found myself at home with two little boys and that was my life. That is it. I felt unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I felt like I was wasting my call sitting and changing diapers and picking up toys over and over all day long. I went to Bible College and felt burdened for people and my ministry was to two boys. That is all I felt like I was touching. It didn't feel like enough.
So I found myself posting on a social network, looking for someone to meet up with for a "play-date" with my kids. I was so drained socially that I only could reach out over the Internet on a public site. That is how far my social life is down the drain. It is my own fault. I didn't cultivate relationships. I consider myself a kind person. I believe I am nice and encouraging. I think I am a pretty good listener and I can sympathize with the best and empathize with the worst. I built relationships at work but didn't bother to build them up outside of work so when I find myself without co-workers to relate to I feel like I have a blank wall and don't know them as well as I imagined I did. I also took my relationship with my sister for granted. I built that up and socialized with her instead of building friendships with other people and so now as I find her traveling the country I find myself without a friend to go do things with. I know plenty of people but I doubt any them would count me among their top 3 friends, or even their top 5. I don't even know how many would consider me in their top 10. Ha ha! I don't think I am unfriendly by any means, I just never worked towards making friends in the first place, or making myself known as an available friend.
Thankfully, God called me friend. And thankfully He had a plan. Through my pathetic attempt at finding some social life for me God said, "I have got this. Just watch this happen and watch Me work!" Several people responded to my post and reached out of their comfort zones. I truly appreciate that. An idea also has surfaced through the thought of "minister where you are placed".
I am wondering if any other mom's might possibly be in the same sort of slump? Maybe they are feeling lonely, trapped, or overwhelmed? I have felt so much more joy after realizing that God is the one in control of each of the circumstances I find myself in. I have to know that he has the best interest at heart. I realize that joy comes from Him and that it is my job to grab hold of that joy and receive it. If I don't I will find myself miserable and longing for a life that I don't have. Am I always thrilled to death with the fact I am home with my boys 24 hours a day without a car and without anything in safe walking distance? No. I am not always thrilled but I am finding myself choosing joy more often. I am finding myself seeing a future where I am feeling useful and where I am ministering where I feel the calling of God. Shane has told me before that there are mom's who would kill to be able to stay at home with their babies. I usually snap back at him, "I am not one of those moms!" But when I am honest in my heart, there is no better place for me right now. My boys could not be in better hands than the hands God has placed them in, and for now, those happen to be my hands. So, thank you God for my sweet baby boys. Thank you for their different personalities. Thank you for their health and safety.
One thing that amazes me each day: Even when I make mistakes and get frustrated and angry at my babies they still come to me with a longing face and calm their crying in my embrace. They desire to be near me and loved by me and would not wish to be comforted by any other person in the world. So in conclusion:  Thank you God, most of all, for their small hearts full of love for me.

Picking Up In My Journey:

My world revolves around two baby boys and their father, my husband of three years, Shane. I have a two-and-a-half year old boyand a six month boy. Both hold my heart in their little hands. It amazes me how much I notice my humanity in my everyday dealings with them. Sometimes I loose patience with them, growing frustrated when they are just trying to communicate their needs. I am so thankful that the toddler is beginning to speak clearer and is getting to the point where he can express his needs verbally. We still grow frustrated at one another when he gets stuck repeating the same thing over and over attempting to gain my understanding. When "m"s sound like "f"s and "k"s sound like "g"s it can get confussing. Each day I am just amazed at his progress in his verbal skills.
The baby is very vocal and enjoys the sound of his own squeal. He is also VERY mobile. He is an expert roller and scooter. I feel I am only counting down the minutes until he begins crawling regularly. I have a feeling that I will be extreemly busy once that takes place. The baby is very funny. He tends to crack up when his brother is upset. He just sits there laughing as my toddler cries. I think he must take after his father. He deffinately didn't get my empathetic personality.

As busy as my boys keep me, my husband is my life. He is my complement and we are in this life together. Shane comes from a very different life than me, however, we find a common thread when it comes to how we want to live. We both daily strive to live our lives in a way that brings honor to God. We strive towards the will of the Lord and in doing that we grow closer together. We certaintly have not grown perfect at that concept, but it is something we are constantly reminding ourselves to push towards.

Our goal is to be used in full time service somewhere. We don't know where, or even how. We only know we both have a burning desire to be out there serving to the best of our ability.

This past year has been a rollercoaster. I was pregnant, Shane's hours were cut. Shane got a wonderful job, I had the baby. I had to quit my job, we got two interveiws for youth positions at churches. We got hired on at a church one day, we got dissappointed the next day when we were told it wasn't going to happen. Sometimes it felt the door was being flung open, and only then did we realize it was really being slammed shut. Sometimes it has felt as though I was blocking the door from opening and I finally let go and move out of the way and it closes and won't open again. I feel God just wanted me to say I was willing and to move so I could be in line for whatever the next blessing was that he had for me.

This is a blog of my journey to finding the things that my God has for me. If you want to follow that journey just keep a lookout for posts every couple months. I can't wait to see what's in store!