I would also like to mention my mother-in-law, who was not my mother while growing up, nor is she my blood, but I admire how much she cares and is willing to listen or give me the mom hug I need when my mom is not able to. She, too, is now being grandma from a distance (not quite as far as my mom but any distance seems like forever for a grandma (or so I have been told)) and doing a great job at keeping her presence in my children's minds.
The first moment I became a mom...
I remember the excitement. I could suppose some could argue that I was a mom 31 weeks before that evening. I gave all the nutrition and warmth and protection to my child from the moment he was even created inside of me. God knit him together inside of me. How amazing is that? To think of God's hands forming my tiny child and growing him and creating his every hair and the tiny folds of skin. Imagine how special that makes us women, to have God create another human being inside of us! Insanity, beauty, majesty! But that is not what makes a mother. That is what makes a baby. Becoming a mother is something much deeper. There are countless women who become mothers without ever having carried a tiny human inside of their belly. Mother's who are "mommy" to children they never carried. Even mom's who are "mom" to kids who didn't even know them when they were babies! There are some women who have been blessed to carry a baby inside of them who never were a mother to that child as God intends a mother to be. So no, carrying a child as it forms and prepares for life is not what constitutes a mother. Mothers are made in the heart.
Going back to that first day...
I remember my baby came early. We were unprepared. I was naive, and excited. I didn't really become nervous until later. They kept talking about his lungs and how they were still forming and that made me start to worry. I was so happy to get to be meeting my little guy early and the risks hadn't really been in my head until they began the surgery. The doctor was working and all I could think about was "Please cry, please cry..." over and over in my head. It seemed like silence when he was born. But when he cried I think I sighed so huge! My baby was breathing! I felt like he was going to be okay. I remember "holding" him that first time. He was bundled up so much (I think there was more blanket then baby!). My arms were stretched out on the table and I could bend them at the elbow and touch his face as he was laid on my chest. I bent up to kiss his tiny face and pictures were taken and he was whisked away to intensive care. That was the first moment I remember of being a mom.
I remember when my second was born I wasn't as excited or overjoyed. I shouldn't say that. I was happy, but I was so stressed out. I broke down in the hospital worried about if I had done the right thing. I was so stressed seeing my 21 month old and thinking, "He is still a baby... I am making him have to grow up too fast...I am pushing him out of his place as my baby...he is never going to forgive me..." all irrational, emotional thoughts that flooded my mind. And of course there was no turning back at that point. I talked to my friend (who was also my nurse) and she told me I would be fine. And I was. And so were my sons. They love each other and are so great to watch together. Yes, there are moments where screaming matches break out or where the little one will tackle the bigger one and crying and squealing ensues, but it is brothers and it is love.
Now that that first little miracle is close to turning 4 and his younger brother is celebrating Mother's Day by turning 2, I know that being a mom is a lot more then just having a baby. There is so much about being a mom that doesn't involve the physical use of our body to bare a child. It is about the heart.
A mom will always have thoughts flooding her mind about her kids. She will always worry, always attempt to protect, and always be there to comfort and support no matter what situation arises or how old her "children" get.
There are times where being a mom is tiring. I have a preschooler, a toddler, and a baby on the way and believe me, I am tired. I know moms who have children closer in age than I do and I know it is only through grace that I make it through the hard days. There are times where I think about the time I wish I could spend doing things I enjoy or like. I remember being pregnant that first time and napping when I wanted to and it being okay that I couldn't sleep at night because I could sleep late in the morning or take a nap in the evening. I remember having time to read and do art or be on the computer. Now I am lucky to have a shower without being interrupted. There are days where I look at the things other moms have time to do. Or the creative things they come up with and I wonder what is wrong with me. I get down on myself and think I am not being as "mom" as I ought to be. I don't do crafts often, I usually can't get my children to sit still and play quietly without me. I have a hard time finding the joy in being a stay-at-home-mom (stuck-at-home-mom) some days. But that is about the time I recheck my heart and think about some of the awesome stuff I do get to do.
I get to be my sons' first love and endure countless sweet kisses and hugs. I get to be their favorite cuddle spot. I am trusted with their secrets. I get to see all sides of them. I am privy to their funniest jokes and cutest sayings. I don't miss out on much of their day. I get to teach them through little things and I get to learn from them in other ways. And watching them as they grow out of clothes or when their feet start sticking out form the bottom of their blanket at night I am reminded how quickly they grow. The first time my son said full sentences, and when he started writing his letters, and when he sings off key in his loud voice only to be embarrassed when he sees I noticed and silences himself... those are times I know being here at home with them means I am not missing out on some of these things I may otherwise have missed. I am so blessed to be here with them everyday, all day. I don't want to miss a thing.
I remember my oldest son was learning to run and was practicing in the lobby at church. He ran out behind an elder lady, who at that moment decided to back up. She tripped over him and fell all the way to the ground my son was under her legs. I raced to help her dreading about broken hips and wrists and everything else that can happen to women when they fall. She looked at me as tears were starting to pour from my face, "Don't get me. Get the baby. Is the baby okay?" I was so embarrassed and scooped up my baby. He was fine just shaken. I had not felt scared for my own son at that moment (I don't know if I was just in shock and not thinking or if my instincts just knew he was okay because of how she had fallen). I felt horrible for the lady and I held my son close as the tears fell down both our cheeks. I comforted him and helped her get up. As horrible as that experience was it taught me a few things. It taught me that my son can bolt off in a flash, it taught me to not allow him to run loose at church, it taught me that sometimes you meet people in the strangest ways and sometimes it is because God wants to place that person in your life. If I hadn't of had that accident with that lady I would never have spoken to her probably. She became a prayer partner for me. She was a wonderful encouragement and had some great wisdom for me. I have learned through being a mom that sometimes the most embarrassing situations are the ones that God wants to teach you something through, or to give you some blessing on the other side of.
Another example: we were being interviewed for a position at a church. The pastor took us out to a restaurant. It was a little late and I knew my youngest son would be getting tired and fussy soon. I just hoped he would stay content if we had some food in front of him. Well he started down right screaming in the restaurant and just throwing the crayons and being very upset. I tried to hold him and rock him but it didn't help. I had tried going to nurse him in the bathroom but there was only one stall and I didn't want to take it up. And I can't bring myself to nurse in front of this pastor that may be interested in hiring us. So I grab the blanket and go outside. I take my son and sit on the bench by the door to the restaurant and feed him as discreetly as I can in the dusk light. I am covering myself up as much as possible and my son almost instantly starts to fall asleep. As I am calming him a couple comes out of the restaurant. I quickly check that all is covered and all the sudden the lady turns around and returns to me. She smiles so sweetly and says "I have been there. You are doing a good job. It will pass all too soon. Just know you are a good mom and enjoy your babies while they are little." I just about jumped up to hug her and cry! I needed that more than she knew and basically I had felt like the whole interview would be a bust because of how our children were acting! Thankfully, it wasn't and we were able to accept the position at the church and have been here about 10 months now. I have not forgotten that interchange with that lady. I don't know that I will ever know if I see her again but I am so glad that God brought her to me.
This next fall my oldest will be headed to preschool. He will be out of the house 4 mornings a week and I am already finding myself thinking about how big he is getting and how fast it is going.
The bad moments and stressful moments are far outweighed by the goofy, fun and loving moments. The tantrums in the restaurant and the crying in the toy store are just pieces of motherhood. Having your child throw himself on the ground out of stubbornness in the middle of a crowded hallway when you are 8 months pregnant are just the things that teach and make us stronger.
