Anticipation.

This time of year is crazy and wonderful all at the same time. We go around with so many thoughts and ideas and plans. Sometimes we get lists checked off just to realize we have added ten more things at the end. Every time I have gone shopping I get what is on my list and wind up with extra stuff as well. Then upon arriving home S asks if I remembered to get something and I realize I missed something else.
The boys are no different. They wrote their lists (or told me what they wanted). I was genuinely surprised and thankful for how brief they were. They picked what they wanted down to three simple things. I was pretty impressed until I realized that they really don't understand how to be greedy to that degree yet because they are just now getting the idea of making Christmas lists. As the days counted down they would begin slowly thinking of other items for their lists.
J is adamantly wanting a bad king for their little people nativity set. I tried explaining that they don't make a bad king for the nativity but he doesn't seem to understand why King Herod would not be included in the children's play set.
It is interesting how most things that God places on my heart come through things my sweet boys say. God just uses them in that amazing capacity and I am awestruck by His work through them. It isn't usually something profound that they say or do but it will hit me as profound later on as God touches me heart with it.
Like everybody who celebrates Christmas we look forward to the day. The boys count down the days and anxiously watch the calendar. I fielded questions from C over and over again about the other December holidays and his insistent "Can I just have my presents now?", "Why do you have to wrap the gifts anyways?", "Why do we just open one present on Christmas eve?". It his his way to tell me he is excited and anxious just like every other child who knows what Christmas day brings. This honestly is the first year he has shown this anticipation to such a degree and I was pretty shocked at what a difference there was this year. I do not think it is bad by any means. He is just purely excited for the day to get here. The questions that prompted this post, however, were "Why can't Christmas just come today? Why do we have to wait so long for Christmas?" I immediately thought of the Israelites waiting for Christmas to come in the Bible. The long awaited Christ-child. I asked C how many days we had left to wait. Then I asked him if he knew how long the Israelites had to wait for Christmas to come. Over 400 years from the time of the prophecies to the Messiah's birth! It went over his head for the most part but he understood that a matter of days compared to 400 years is nothing.
As I began to process the thoughts in my mind tonight I began to think about how we prepare for Christmas. We decorate our homes with lights and colors. The baking and smells that fill our homes are so wonderful. Scent of spices and fir tree flood the air. A roaring fire for those lucky enough to have cold enough weather to enjoy it (and a fireplace). We buy gifts and hide them until we can wrap them in beautiful paper and tie ribbon bows around them. We have office parties, church fellowships and get-togethers with friends. We celebrate with carols and music that fills our hearts. Advent calendars count us down to one of the best days of all.
The Jews did not know which day Jesus would be born. They did not have a countdown calendar. But they waited and waited, and longed for the gift of Christmas. And they almost missed it.
Sometimes in all our anticipation we miss it too.
We wrap gifts for others under our tree. We put pretty paper on them and tie even better bows. We trim our trees with colors and lights. Jesus came in the middle of the night. He was wrapped in rags and laid in the hay. Angels filled the sky to be sure that his coming was not missed. Can you imagine what a sight that must have been?!
Anticipation should fill us still and push us to act towards preparedness. We have time to prepare our homes for Christmas but in all that doing do we forget to prepare our hearts as well? We are rushing around to get done before it is too late and, sure enough, soon it will be too late.
What about our anticipation for Christ's return. We are waiting and waiting. Have we lost our anticipation? Have we stopped preparation? Will we miss the signs as the town of Bethlehem did that night until the Shepherds knocked on the doors and shouted in the streets of the Messiah they had seen.
Will we fail to make room?
Christmas is coming... in the fullness of time. Are you living in anticipation?

Pause is ALWAYS for Our Good

Sometimes it takes a trial to point you in the direction you are supposed to go. It takes breaking our "plan" and diverting our "list" and pushing our "deadlines". Sometimes we think what SHOULD happen based on what we see today and tell God how the plan works instead of asking, listening and trusting Him who sees the complete picture. (Thank you Miss Stephanie for expressing my thoughts in a clear way).

I don't know why it is so hard to let go and let God. It is all about surrender. It's not about WHAT we are willing to surrender because the answer should ALWAYS be our ALL. He already commanded it. So not giving our all is actually disobedience (An area I fail at daily). The question shouldn't even be there. As a believer our ALL should have already been given to God and yet He knew it would be a constant struggle. His word points us to daily die to self (1 Cor. 15:31), to daily pick up our cross (Luke 9:23), to daily fix our trust. It is a process. There is no immediate eternal fix for life. The immediate eternal fix is for death. Life is a process, a war that is constantly being waged one battle and skirmish at a time both in our minds and hearts as well as in the invisible realm around us (Eph. 6:12). We have to get up each day prepared and ready to face attacks from all sides. We have to be prepared for times of trials where we will be strengthened and stretched.

God never promises an easy life for believers. He promises hope. He promises that if we follow Him with our all there will be a perfect work in the end. He promises eternity. (Jer. 29:11)

I did not mean to leave a feeling of uncertainty in my previous post. I was simply sharing a time of pause in my crazy life where I was really not sure what God was doing or what he wanted from me. I in no way felt defeated and the anxiety I probably normally would have felt was actually minimal. God has brought us through much worse and I could simply find rest in that. I just knew God had something, God had some reason (More than just to give me time to organize the Lego bin for 3 days straight only to have the boys dump them together in the search for the "missing piece" three days later).

Sometimes the greatest parts of His plan are revealed in those times he makes us stop in our tracks. I had to stop what I was doing and reevaluate what God might be having me do. A really great thing came out of this. It allows me more time with my family while still contributing to the family financially. A real blessing. I love what I do. I love helping people. I love being hands and feet to those that need them. I love being there and listening when I have time. I love sitting and holding their hands when their families can't (or won't), 

So do not borrow worry from me. There is absolutely NO reason. Our family is fine. Our bills got paid. Next month we will have new bills. They will get paid too (whether they get paid the way we planned or the way God plans). We are always safely held in His hands and are trying to be guided by His perfect plan and His perfect timing.

This Crazy Thing Called Life

I have fallen into a routine of not having a routine. It gets me into trouble more times than not. I was working overtime hours and have all the sudden found myself a stay at home mom temporarily again out of circumstances beyond my control. Thankfully it is simply a matter of wadding through some government tape and I will (should) be back on my way.

Sometimes it seems like life should be so simple. Everything is going along (running as smoothly as can be expected) and then POW! out of no where a lineman hits you from your blind side! I think "Seriously God, You couldn't just let this alone for a little while... I was FINALLY starting to see how you were fitting us all together again since the last time this happened!"

Thankfully I have been through this sort of "weak-side tackle" before and know that the end result is usually a less-weak defense that can deflect/ defuse attacks from that angle the next time when it is the enemy who attempts the sac. God is preparing me and has shaped me to see a BIGGER picture. There is so much I could be stressed about right now. I could be scared about how bills will be paid, how rent will be met when our largest income is basically tanked for a couple weeks. All in all I have to rely on God. I have to trust him to get us through and believe that he has power and a purpose in it. I have really tried to enjoy these days with my boys. I have soaked in the fact that I have a rare pause in my overly busy schedule to just refocus and re-evaluate. I was able to attend Bible study at church with the other ladies knowing that if I had worked my hours that would probably not have happened. I focused some creativity and got some much needed hobby time in. I have also been in a deeper valley than this before and God raised us up and we tried to learn. This time it is not nearly as dark and it is not nearly as scary.

I have so so much to thank God for that is incredibly ridiculous to even think about being anxious for anything! My God has this. He has had this from the beginning of time and he will still have it throughout eternity.

Bible study this week was on being scared. We get so caught up in the fears and "what ifs" and what the author called "invisible thoughts of others"... and we can't even move. We won't go another step.

I fear a lot of things. I fear people's thoughts of me. I am so paralyzed by what people might think if I do something different or if I am socially awkward. I had an opportunity to sign up for a meal for a mom of a newborn through my church. At first I went right away to the sign-up sheet and the day I could do it was open. I clicked to start filling in the blank and it asked me what I would bring. I wrote something down, erased it...wrote something else, erased it... went back and looked at what other people were bringing. I saw they were bringing a main dish, side and dessert. I don't do dessert very often nor very well. I thought of just not doing a dessert and then thought that might not be acceptable. (SEE FEAR OF WHAT OTHERS THINK!) So instead of being a blessing by just taking what I could I allowed fear to rob me of that chance. The blank was filled in by someone else and soon all the blanks were filled.

It was brought up that I sing (have sung) in church. At first I wanted to run and hide. I am so afraid of messing up. I am so afraid of not living up to expectations of others or of myself. Thankfully I am going to try to do it again and to get back into that routine. I have to let go of fear.

I also fear failure. I have to retake an exam I took 7 years ago. I left my book in Ohio. Believe me I had kept everything! I had all my tests from the class and notes. All of it gone. So I have been online studying for hours and borrowed a book for a couple hours and stared at it. I feel scared to fail. I feel frozen. I can't just throw up my hands and say I won't go through with it. I need to just do my best pass or fail but at least I can say I tried. Doing is so much better than NOT doing. Trying is better than NOT trying.

I think of one of my boys favorite movies UP. "Adventure is out there!" If we do nothing we get nothing in return. You have to GO, DO, and TRY to enjoy the adventure that God has for you.

Everything is on the Up 'n Up (Even in Downs you Look Up!)

So much has been going on in our lives! Just a few months time and we are looking at quite a difference. In the last update I mentioned that we had found a home that we moved into. We moved once more since then to a nice complex of quad-plexes. The rent is better and the location and maintenance is better. The space is about the same. We have two bedrooms and a nice open yard area right outside our door which is really nice with the boys.

Boys playing in out new yard!

J prepping for his MRE

My little J is still battling medical issues. He was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease this spring. He recently had an MRE to check for hidden inflammation and they found no more areas than the one we knew about in his colon. But they found inflamed lymph-nodes which more than likely is no reason for concern but it meant a follow-up ultrasound in hopes that we could avoid a CT to check them out. We had the ultrasound and are now waiting on results. A CT would mean that he would need put under and since he was just under for the MRE it is more dangerous to put him under that again too quickly unless it is absolutely necessary. He is also showing slightly elevated liver enzymes that we are needing to have monitored. It has been a balancing act since the diagnosis. Fatigue gets him some days and sometimes it is the constant urgency to get to the bathroom. Thankfully there has only been a handful of times where he actually complained of tummy pain. I am blessed by that. To be honest I have several concerns (read: fears) for his future. But I also have so much to be thankful for in all of this. There is much worse that could be. And even in the worst I would have only one option: Cling to God and His perfect plan and perfect time and perfect peace. Everything is out of my control. Even what I think I can control I can't.




My husband also accepted a part-time youth pastor position with a local church. What was nice about the position is that we did not have to move again, nor did we have to give up our jobs that we had found. I (for obvious reasons) was hesitant to jump back into a new position with a new church and new pastor. Shane had come to me one evening and mentioned there was a local church looking for a youth pastor. All I could think of was "No! I am not ready to fail again!" But instead the words "Whatever you feel God is telling you to do is okay with me." And S sent his application and resume and said we would just wait and see what happened. If the door opened it would open and if not than we were fine where we were. Then the call came. I was not really expecting it to come and if you could have seen my heart and mind you would have seen this THICK and HARD layer of protection (Also known as: FEAR and DOUBT). BUT when we visited the church and ate a meal with the pastor and his wife at their home; when I attended Ladies Bible Study and heard the women speak; when I saw the boys interact with the children's teachers and the children's pastor I felt so much PEACE. It was just like the covering of doubt just began to drop off of me one giant chunk at a time. I told Shane after one of our visits to the church that I thought it was somewhere I would love to go even if they were not offering us a position. The amount of young families and the ministry opportunities was exciting.  The leadership and how MANY people were leading and organizing the ministries was inspiring. I loved how the youth were involved in many of the ministries and not just solely focused on their class and the youth activities. It was a church that got involved together.
One of my big pushes was how the youth were already used to being servants for other areas in the church. Also notable to me was the focus on growth and accountability of the leadership in the church (INCLUDING the WIVES of the leaders and WOMEN in leadership positions). I believe strongly that to grow leaders and ministers you need to begin by teaching young people what it means to serve and to do outreach. And wives need encouragement and accountability and a time they can fellowship with other women.

S and the boys

Since joining the church I have begun building some relationships. It is beginning over with relationships and that part is hard. Being open without being overly open to the point I am overwhelming is a balancing act that I have not perfected AT all. I always tend to be stand-offish or "shy" almost when really I am just not sure how to approach someone without opening up all my cans of worms at once! From reading some articles my mom has shared I believe it is (at least partially) to blame on my being a missionary kid. But hopefully I can learn that just because someone says "Hey, how are you?" It does not mean to delve into my ENTIRE life story and talk their ears off...
Obviously this is a journey that goes on and on. It is filled with ups and downs. Right now we feel like we are on an up, and it is very nice to feel that way. Some days I dread that down that could be right around the corner and I try to guess at which direction it may come to us. But in doing that I know I fail to hold to God's hand and just simply trust Him with all that is next. He has more than abundantly shown us what mighty perfection he has in the ups and downs of this journey.

Rising Up from Ashes

One mythical creature I have been "fascinated by" (for lack of a better phrase) is the phoenix. A bird who grows ugly and frail only to explode in flames and become a heap of ashes. Soon a new and beautiful bird emerges from the ashes, young and full of life.

It is about new beginnings, Old things disappear. New life.

A week before this Christmas things were going along just as they had been. We were still living with my sweet in-laws. It was getting trying at times, just from cramped space and no privacy. After 6 months it was starting to get to us all in some way. Thankfully we had Jesus on our side and it was probably one of the only things that kept us all speaking and working through differences and loving on one another. I was still working full time, Shane was working opposite shift so that we didn't need to pay for childcare, but our relationship was needing some cultivating. I would see him a few moments when I got home. Usually long enough to ask how the kids were and give a kiss goodbye. I was irritated at him for a few things, mostly I just wanted a home and to get moving in what I thought was the "right" direction. I felt upset about some things and felt that in a way this was "all his fault". I had recognized my mistake and the bitterness I was unfairly harboring against him without having talked it through with him. I had also acknowledged it as sin and confessed it not too long before this. There were still no real strong prospects were available for a home and we were just looking to get through the Holidays and tackle it full on after that. And as far as our relationship I was going to "try" to remember "this too shall pass" and work on my end and do what I could to work on my feelings and capturing each thought and filtering it through the Scripture. I had met with one pastor's wife to just discuss my role in marriage and what I should be doing and how to focus on love being "work" sometimes and that still being okay.

On my way to work (around 4 in the morning) December 18th I hit ice and rolled my vehicle a few (to several) times in the ditch. That morning I had not kissed Shane goodbye. I had not been in a good mood. All I could get out of my mouth as spun into the ditch and was rolling was to cry out "Please God! Please God!" over and over and over again. Even when the car came to a rest the words were still being whispered on my lips with every breath I said it OVER and OVER and OVER. I am not sure what I was praying. "Please God, not like this!", "Please God, I am not ready.", "Please God, don't take me from my babies.", "Please God, I want to do more with my life!" I thought I had more to do. I have plans I have not even pursued! "Please God..." that is all I could say. That is all that would come out. OVER and OVER and OVER... "Please". My purse had been slung on the passengers seat. All I could do was think "Get my phone..." Four in the morning on a country road... not many people would be passing by. I realized my phone was in my pocket of my coat (thank you Lord) instead of in my purse or laying on the seat. But my seat belt was restricting me from reaching it so I unfastened it. That is when I realized I had landed upside down and had been hanging. Don't know protocol in an accident but I figured I had better call for help. Used my emergency dialing on my phone's lock screen and called Shane. I didn't know if I was loosing blood or if I would loose consciousness so I wanted someone to know I was out there quickly. He said he loved me. I said I loved him and we both called 911. I didn't loose consciousness though I know I talked WAY TOO much trying to keep myself awake. I felt so tired. Later found out I had lost quite a bit of blood from a gash behind my ear. Walking away from that crash changed perspective for me. Petty things don't really matter! I have a family who loves me. Generous family and friends who surround me. Coworkers who I didn't know really cared, REALLY cared!

The next week was Christmas. We were showered with love for our boys. They had a marvelous day. I had the week off recuperating.
Since Christmas we have had a lot going on. J (my 3-year-old) had a scope done to explore some GI issues he had been having. Tests came back indicating a chronic condition but the doctors still have not been able to agree on a diagnosis. Lab work was performed and it was negative for markers of the condition so we are still awaiting diagnosis, meanwhile we have begun treatment just in case.

Throughout all of that we also found a home to rent and have moved in and gotten settled as much as possible. Gifts have been showered down on us from generous people who may not even KNOW what sort of impact they have had on us. We moved here with an SUV full of stuff and have bought a few things here and there but had decided to just buy a little at a time sticking to necessities rather than all the desires of our hearts. The boys sleep on an air mattress in their OWN room. Which is a step up from the floor (which they had been sleeping on in the room they shared with us). We now have a couch and recliner and lamps. Microwave, coffee pot (essential in this house). The fridge and oven came with the house but we will need to find our own fridge soon as the landlord requested to move it out when we can allow him to. We also just received a gift of a brand new washer and dryer! Which was a beautiful surprise we got just yesterday from a wonderful man in our small town. I don't even know what to say to some of these people who have just given and given and given. All I know to say is THANK YOU!

We received checks and gift cards to share a meal with the boys at some of their favorite places. Even little things were so monumental to me.

When the year was ending I had no idea where this new year would lead. We had J's scope on the 31st and if I had known that may be the last of the horrid year and the start of a brand new BEAUTIFUL beginning... I just didn't know what to think.

My chosen word for the new year was "Peace". I was determined that I needed to work on clinging to and commanding God's peace in my life. The rocky and eventful 2014 was awful. I was stretched in so many ways. I need to demand peace to rule in my relationships with my children and with my husband. When the issues start rising and the stress begins to bubble "peace be still" will need to be the words on my lips, the song sung to my heart and the meditation of  my mind. When work seems like I am drowning and flailing helplessly in a loosing battle "peace" needs to be where I take my mind and heart. This year in NO WAY should be easy. I do not know what tomorrow holds. But I know my God of tomorrow holds HIS PERFECT PEACE out to me EVERY DAY. And it does not align with any human understanding. It makes NO SENSE. BUT as a child of God I have the RIGHT and PRIVILEGE to grab onto the gift of PEACE and carry it with me ALWAYS.

So this is our NEW beginning. This is our start. Where do we go from here? I don't know. Am I going to forget the past year, no. Will I skip over it like it was a "hiccup" or "mistake" or the "unspoken time". No. It happened for a reason. It happened and we have DEEP scars and even a few SEEPING wounds still. We SURVIVED one of my BIGGEST fears. We spent night cold with no heat, and hungry with no food, and we spent 6 months homeless! And we are still a family. God protected us.

God brought me through my nightmare of having to explain things away to my boys in fun and exciting twist:
We will came in the living room with candles tonight in our tent because it will be fun. (when the electric was turned off for a night but we had it on the next day thanks to generous people who had no idea what we needed at the time they wrote the check)

Mommy is going to heat up water on the stove for your bath tonight. We will pretend it is like old days. Then we will bundle up and watch a movie together in Mommy's bed! (gas was off over a weekend in the winter, a man brought over 3 electric heaters for us to use until we could afford to get it turned on again!)

Lets play outside with the new cars! (Electric was off again. One of the boy's old teachers and babysitters had brought over some ride on toys for the boys. IT was a much needed distraction on several evenings of no electricity...)

We get to go live with Momo and PopPop! (met with EXCITED squeals even when we were in the midst of sorting through their MOUNTAINS of toys and stuffed animals!)

The man is going to make something new out of your bed C! Won't that be so nice! And you can get a new bed when we get our new house. And yes we will get a new coffee table and TV and... (etc...) (When we sold his bed to a sweet elderly man who was going to re-purpose it to make a bench for his store. Loved the idea of something old being remade at the time. C and J was so upset to see their beds go and it was only through promising them new bed in a new house that they cheered up.)

As a mom my idea was to protect my sweet boys from the devastating truth that was loss. We did everything we could to keep them from the truth that it wasn't the same anymore. We kept C in preschool though I question that decision since we could not afford the bill. But it was the normal for him and I couldn't bare to change that on him.

My nightmare was to loose our home. To be homeless. Each day that passed it looked more and more likely. We were not finding work and the fear grew and grew and grew. I could only think of being homeless and loosing my babies (even for a short period). I know now that our family loves us WAY too much to allow that to happen. I should have NEVER feared that and should have known they would come together whatever way they could to get us somewhere safe and secure. Through generous family, and friends we were able to get money together to move back "home". My in-laws are INCREDIBLE people for allowing us the gift of living in their small house. I don't know if they imagined it would be as long as it was at the time they offered nor do I imagine any of us could have pictured how stressful it was at times.

That all was the fire explosion that destroyed my weary soul... and it sits as a pile of ashes at my feet as this new beginning emerges.

My prayer is that I can do better this time around than I did the last. That as a family and couple we will do better. I want to do greater things. I want to reach a higher place. I don't want to settle. I don't want to back down. I don't want to be COMFORTABLE! I don't want to be UNMOVED!
So we aren't forgetting, we aren't dismissing! We are staring at the rubble and LEARNING!
Learning what not to do. Learning to pursue. Learning to give up some things in light of FAR better. Sometimes that means saying "No." to an offered position because it doesn't fit us as a family. We won't go into full time ministry blind again. I won't trust the words a pastor says just because in my family the pastors I know are men of their word... I have learned there is more. Serving in our local church and going on from there. Maybe we won't ever leave home in search of that "Position" maybe the Position is just being home. So until God says "its time to move your home." I will serve where I am planted. When it is time to move on faith and step out in trust once more. IT cannot be in trust of another person (even if that person is a pastor). It must be trust in GOD ALONE! God brought us to our knees and we could only look up. I want to keep ONLY looking up for my security and stability. I pray we have learned our lesson.

So here is my beginning. It is exciting, full of energy and life!