Walking Wearily

I have been here. I have written and rewritten posts. None came to anything I felt I could share publically. I saved them for my private viewing.

I have been walking in a darkness I couldn't see through.

The details are not important. What is important is that life doesn't go down a set path. There is nothing that says if you start out right everything will go the way you think it should.

Just because you marry a man who loves God and wants to serve with his whole life, it doesn't mean that somewhere down the road he will turn his back on God (Whether for a season or for a lifetime). Depression, rejection, disappointment, unbelief doesn't only plague those who are not serving.

Just because you have taught your children truth, it does not mean that when they leave your home they will follow the path God has set before them. The world can lure them astray. The lies of the devil can still flood their minds.

It is so hard to watch. It is hard to see it happen to women I look up to and love. But I never expected it to happen to me. Until the day my husband made excuses to not go to church. Being "sick", "tired", or work conflicts turned to just not coming at all. He stopped riding with us to Wednesday night, then it became Sunday mornings too. I saw the passion drain from him far before that. I watched it seep from him like a life force draining. His mood shifted, his anger quickened. It was so hard to watch. I thought "Not me God...Not him..." Through the past 2 years it went from "I just don't feel like it" to "I don't think I believe in that stuff."

This from a Bible college graduate who surrendered his life to service for the Lord. The man I fell in love with when I was studying to be a missionary.

What is God doing? What was I doing?

Christian depression is real. Feeling insignificant and usless. Feeling empty. Feeling alone.

Pray for those in ministry. Pray for those families in your church. Pray for the marriages. Pray for the men who shoulder the burden of leading the home. Pray for your spouse. Pray for Satan to not gain footholds. pray for God to reign and to make his presence known. Pray for light to shine in the shadowy spaces where there are hidden burdens and broken pieces. Pray for brothers and sisters to see the darkness before it creeps in. Pray they will have wisdom on how to be God's hands and feet in those places making sure the light permeates the spaces.

marriage

Marriage. People go into marriage so bright eyed and hopeful. They dream of the future minimizing pain, hurt, disappointment and weariness.

No "what ifs" matter. No distant challenges could ruin the joy.

They pledge vows to one another saying "I do".

Then the in sickness happens and mental health crisis causes one of them to face crippling depression...months of shutting the partner out as they deal with the deamons that daily threaten to control thier mind. Anxiety causes indesiveness and fear of failure. Making plans is a challenge. Just getting through the day is a matter of pushing and encouraging and begging. 

In sorrow: Loss of a child wedges an abis between you as grief hits in completely different ways. Fertility issues and navigating the steps to take if any. The pain that comes from a diagnosis of a child with a chronic illness or handicap. The loss of what we pictured life would be like for us and our child.

For poorer hits... First it's just a little extra spending but then the addiction comes to light and the insurmountable bills start pouring in. It wasn't what the partner thought they signed up for. Loss of a job and the bills are running behind but it's just one or two. It will get caught up. Can't find a new job until the electricity is shut off and then the water company is knocking at the door and you are too afraid to answer the door or the phone and you just want to pretend like no one is home. Groceries come from a food pantry and all taste like cardboard because they are past the expiration date...But you have to eat it anyway....

For worse...the yelling... The personality shifts. The change in career that doesn't just effect one person...it changes all of your lives. A move across the country away from those you love. Thier faith is rocked. They stop showing up for church. They stop seeing the importance of it all. They make decisions that are bad. They pick up habbits that don't align with your beliefs. Her drive leaves her and she gives you the cold shoulder night after night for months and months because she is tired...irritated...unwell...

Did you mean what you pledged?

Did those vows really mean what they said?

Marriage is not a beautiful perfect ring of sparkling joy.

Marriage is work.

We dive in head first into a shimmering lake only to find out there are boulders and jagged rocks just beneath the surface we we're lucky enough to miss on our way down. Navigating the waters around those rocks as the current of society is dragging us down is nearly impossible. Unless we stop trying to get through unscatched and unchanged. We must look down at ourselves and see that we are just as jagged and sharp and hard as the rocks we have just jumped into. We are going to bump and cut just as much as our partner is. Marriage is two imperfect people trying to live a perfect covenant that we are totally incapable of living up to until Christ comes. Being an imperfect person pledged to another imperfect person we are going to have some strife.

Marriage is not about the "I do"s because inevitably they will not be lived up to perfectly. It is more about daily pledging to once again give up and let go of the "I want"s and instead saying "I will".

"I will love my husband", "I will find a way to serve my wife today." "I will think about what he might need today."