God will FIGHT for you...my beloved...

It has been a week ago now that I lay on the bed beside my son after a particularly bad day. I had made him go to bed early after he attacked his brother. I waited until he had calmed down and I lay beside him gently scratching his back like he likes so much. He rolled over in his sleep to let me reach it better and then covered his whole self with his oversized fleece blanket that he loves. In the silence of the room my mind was running wild. I was pleading to God and I was begging Him for the answer. I thought of the Scripture that speaks that we war not against flesh and blood. Our battle is with things not seen. I had only just ran that through my head when I heard the Spirit say "I am the Lord your God... I am the Lord God... I will fight for you.... I am fighting for you. Let me fight this for you..." I then felt like He said "Let me fight this for J". It was then I realized that it is not all my fight to win. It is J's. And it isn't J or myself who will be fighting it. The Lord is standing, surrounding him, to fight the battle for him. I am a project in the making and I fail daily with letting the fight go. I feel like I need to be center-ring over and over again to fight for my child (What loving mom doesn't feel that way?).

 So here I am, having a hard time just a week later. Almost 4 weeks ago I sent in paperwork to CMH behavioral unit. They said it takes 2 weeks to make a decision... I am being taught patience once again in my life and I am severely running low. I am trying to remember that an answer doesn't change our life... it just opens up some options for J. I am anxious and tired. I wish I had his happy self always. It is like night and day with him in a blink of an eye and it is really breaking this momma's heart. Please pray for S and I to have wisdom and discernment with him. Please pray for me to stay strong. I feel like I am breaking apart sometimes.

 Please pray God moves in a mighty way in J's life.

 I have seen some Christian people post light-heartedly on behavioral issues and diseases in children. I understand over-diagnosis is an issue, but some parents are battling REAL issues with their children that no amount of belt will "fix" or "cure". We as parents do the best we can with what God has given us and some of us are just needing to get through the day so that we can start all over again the next day and pray that we will have the ability to raise our kids in the admonition of the Lord without messing it up. We do all this while knowing we probably will mess up, so then we pray that God will forgive us once again and use our children despite our mistakes, praying that He would do the work in their lives that we as parents daily fail to be able to do. And why do we fail? Because we are unwilling? Unbothered? Uninvolved? Disconnected? Inconsistent? Undisciplined? Ungodly? Unbiblical? Unstructured? Too soft? Too hard? Too mean? Too nice? NO! Because we are imperfect and dependent human beings who live in a world of flesh and we sin daily just like EVERYONE else!

 I have thought about whether I am dealing with demonic oppression or possession to some extent. I have considered it. And in some ways I have felt that there is oppression going on in our lives always to some extent so possibly J is another tool being used in our lives in moments, whether it is through a diagnosable disorder I do not know. I do know that Satan has used his behavior issues time and time again to cause sin to creep into my life. I know that I pray over my children daily to beg God to do a mighty work in each of their lives. I pray they will grow to have a saving knowledge of Christ. I pray that whatever is tormenting J will cease. I pray that if it is ASD or another disorder that we are able to help him achieve coping skills and that he will have more and more calm days. But so far we are grasping at straws trying to find something that helps or "works".

To watch him go from this "normal" happy child to a darkness in his eyes with a rage in his heart and a strength that no 5-year old should possess in a matter of split-seconds is heart-wrenching. He tackles his much larger brother to the ground and pounds on him. Or he throws everything he can get his hands on until there is nothing left and he lays there and groans until it is over. We breathe again. We breathe in and out and a sigh escapes. And I plead again to God as I watch him peacefully sleep. What is this!?

These past few weeks have just been more fits of rage and violence then I have seen in awhile from him. The violence level increased just when I had felt we were getting somewhere with what we were doing. We need wisdom and a consistent plan that works.

We leave for a week away from the boys on Monday. I am not going to kid myself that we will have a plan in place by then. I am praying that S's parents are filled with grace, strength and energy as they deal with the three munchkins. And I am praying that J is filled with peace for the week (if not the rest of his life!) And I pray S and I will return home refreshed and with a plan we can implement that will play a consistent role in our lives and hopefully help us all out.

 And as I have written this, I realized that I took up my sword again to jump in the battle... And God is whispering to me, "Let me fight this for you. Let me fight it for J"..."Let me get the glory."... "Allow me the victory."..."Be at peace child"... "Be at peace. The frustration and anger and disappointment in your heart is not what I have for you."

Love

Peace was a word for last year. I hadn't decided for sure what my word for this year would be.
It has been a mixture of thoughts. The word "strength" comes to mind, as does "courage". However a word that I tend to skip over has come up over and over again in my mind and so I am going to have to just land on it for the year. I use it so often and it isn't something I feel I have struggled with in the past and seems to come naturally until I am in the middle of something and ought to have it as my lens to see the situation through to begin with... but that word is "love". It is a foundation of my faith. It is a basic stepping stone. It comes easier for some and harder for others. I have always felt that I do not struggle with it. But looking back I have seen countless times that i have decided to judge or criticize someone without lovingly checking my thoughts and actions against them. Other times I have spoken harshly to my children or husband without first grabbing tight to love and capturing the thoughts to be sure it is necessary to say or without first wrapping the edification or correction in a strong dose of love.
In college we took a counseling class where we were taught the art of "Speaking the Truth in Love" and it has been some years since I thought about that. We can be correct and be saying truth, but when it isn't done in a loving way with love as the backing thrust behind it there is no godliness in it. God IS LOVE!