Some losses are public and hard to forget. Some are so tragic and heart breaking. Some happen in great earth shaking circumstances that can even change the direction of the world. However some losses are private, secret even. They happen when no body notices. By the time anyone realizes something is wrong they are already gone. I am talking about miscarriages.
On August 7th I was shocked to see two lines appear on my home pregnancy test. I didn't expect to be pregnant, nor did I think I wanted to be at this time in my life with all the changes already going on around me. However, I knew that I needed to trust God and that His plan was so much better than mine and as the days past I grew so much more excited and happy to have the opportunity to have three children in my life.
I was excited for my first appointment and nervous about a new doctor and a new town and new hospital, but I was excited all the same.
I grew a sweet tooth and a love for melon of any kind (as long as it was ripe and juicy!) I grew nauseous at smells and annoyed by gnats. I couldn't sleep and was uncomfortable from the start. My feet swelled slightly even with it being only the first month of knowing I was expecting. My appetite was up and so was my weight. But I couldn't wait for the first time I would hear that tiny heart beating and see my sweet little dot on the ultrasound.
As the week approached my boys got sick. Then I felt as though I had a fever. I took medicine and rested that weekend. Sunday night I felt cramping and began spotting. I wasn't too worried at first but it continued throughout the night and I began to fear the worst.
I called the doctor the next day and she offered to fit me in but I decided to wait since the day it was scheduled for would be better for us since we had the two boys and some other things going on (Like the fellowship meeting for one). I knew there would be nothing the doctor could do if the baby was already gone and if it wasn't gone I knew sitting in meetings wasn't going to cause it more damage and that I could always call back if I felt the need to move it closer.
I enjoyed the meeting and Monday I was not so concerned with the idea that the baby was gone. I was still believing there was a chance.
Tuesday night that changed. My thoughts during the meeting on Tuesday night were: "I am sitting here surrounded by people and I am loosing my baby with each passing minute and nobody knows." A secret loss is what I was facing.
As they began to sing the altar call "I Surrender All" I felt God tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Do you surrender?... Do you REALLY surrender it ALL to me?... Do you surrender your sweet baby to me?"
I said "NO GOD!.... I don't! I don't want to surrender that part of me! I don't want to let my baby go..." But as I said it in my mind, SCREAMING it to God I knew right than that I was wrong and what He asked was true. My baby was beyond my control. My baby wasn't mine to keep or protect or save. My baby was God's. He had blessed it to me. My baby was His to take or give when and why He wished. I cried and cried. I cried SO hard. I moaned and said "OH! GOD!" I didn't want to let go of what I was holding on. I was clinging to the strings of hope and trying to control what never was mine. I gave up control and gave Him it all. I begged him to let me hear the heart beat. I begged Him to allow me to keep the sweet baby safe inside. But I gave Him control once I begged and begged. And I left it all at His feet.
In the morning when we watched the pictures on the screen. The quiet silence filled the room despite the Tech's sweet voice. She filled the blaring silence with questions and typing hands and never allowed a pause to form. My husband didn't even catch what was wrong until we left the room. He asked me if it was too soon to hear that precious sound.
No. It wasn't too soon... it was too late. My precious baby was gone for good! The empty shell inside of me was all it left behind. We waited to be called and to be told the tragic news.
The aide was sweet and let me cry waiting patiently beside. She finished her questions and the doctor came in and told us what I already knew. She told me my baby most likely was gone several weeks before. In silence when no one knew my baby left this world! Before I even could have known that something was terribly wrong.
And that my friends is the secret loss. A loss that no body knows or feels, until the effects are felt and seen, the loss just goes unknown.
My baby is safe in God's strong arms. He rocks it to sleep for me. He holds its hand and wipes its tears even as He is wiping mine. He comforts it as He comforts me and holds us to His heart.
My God is good. Yes, all the time. My God is so good to me! I praise you God for your great love and what you have done for me! I thank you, my God, for loving me and letting me love this babe. I know you will keep and treasure it until eternity ends. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for this pain.
I learned to give my all to you. I learned to trust your plan. I thank you for this lesson Lord. Thank you for my babe.
