For Mother's Day... remembering what it is to be called "Mommy"

Obviously I don't know everything there is to being a mom. I don't know the ins and the outs. I don't know the tricks or tips. All I know is what I have gleaned in my short 4 years and from watching my amazing mommy better herself as she mothers 6 children (three grown and three still young and at  home). She is also a Nana to 7 grand-babies (the 8th on the way) from a  great distance and does that so well even though I know it takes every ounce of her will-power some days to stay where God has her and doing what God has for her to do over that huge ocean. She is adamant about being more than just a simple picture on the wall to our children and she makes every effort to be a part of their lives. She is and has always been an example of a wonderful wife, mom and leader. She is amazing in the fact that she is never satisfied with how she is and is constantly working to improve herself in some way to be a closer picture of what God would have her to be. It is amazing to see her being mom to my younger siblings and seeing how much growth God has worked through her and how much wisdom she is guiding the kids with. And as a mom I can look to her and see her working right now with my siblings and can model after her. God has blessed us this way. Not many young women can become moms and get to that point while their own mom is still being "mommy" to children at home. It has made a whole knew dynamic to my view of motherhood. My mom is still living it out every day. She is still woken up early and has quarrels to settle and toys to clean up and the little appetites to satisfy and bed-time wars to wage. I have to say I am so thankful to get to watch that side of my mom in action, as opposed to just relying on the memories of how I thought she did things or how she remembers things being.

I would also like to mention my mother-in-law, who was not my mother while growing up, nor is she my blood, but I admire how much she cares and is willing to listen or give me the mom hug I need when my mom is not able to. She, too, is now being grandma from a distance (not quite as far as my mom but any distance seems like forever for a grandma (or so I have been told)) and doing a great job at keeping her presence in my children's minds.

The first moment I became a mom...

I remember the excitement. I could suppose some could argue that I was a mom 31 weeks before that evening. I gave all the nutrition and warmth and protection to my child from the moment he was even created inside of me. God knit him together inside of me. How amazing is that? To think of God's hands forming my tiny child and growing him and creating his every hair and the tiny folds of skin. Imagine how special that makes us women, to have God create another human being inside of us! Insanity, beauty, majesty! But that is not what makes a mother. That is what makes a baby. Becoming a mother is something much deeper. There are countless women who become mothers without ever having carried a tiny human inside of their belly. Mother's who are "mommy" to children they never carried. Even mom's who are "mom" to kids who didn't even know them when they were babies! There are some women who have been blessed to carry a baby inside of them who never were a mother to that child as God intends a mother to be. So no, carrying a child as it forms and prepares for life is not what constitutes a mother. Mothers are made in the heart.

Going back to that first day...

I remember my baby came early. We were unprepared. I was naive, and excited. I didn't really become nervous until later. They kept talking about his lungs and how they were still forming and that made me start to worry. I was so happy to get to be meeting my little guy early and the risks hadn't really been in my head until they began the surgery. The doctor was working and all I could think about was "Please cry, please cry..." over and over in my head. It seemed like silence when he was born. But when he cried I think I sighed so huge! My baby was breathing! I felt like he was going to be okay. I remember "holding" him that first time. He was bundled up so much (I think there was more blanket then baby!). My arms were stretched out on the table and I could bend them at the elbow and touch his face as he was laid on my chest. I bent up to kiss his tiny face and pictures were taken and he was whisked away to intensive care. That was the first moment I remember of being a mom.

I remember when my second was born I wasn't as excited or overjoyed. I shouldn't say that. I was happy, but I was so stressed out. I broke down in the hospital worried about if I had done the right thing. I was so stressed seeing my 21 month old and thinking, "He is still a baby... I am making him have to grow up too fast...I am pushing him out of his place as my baby...he is never going to forgive me..." all irrational, emotional thoughts that flooded my mind. And of course there was no turning back at that point. I talked to my friend (who was also my nurse) and she told me I would be fine. And I was. And so were my sons. They love each other and are so great to watch together. Yes, there are moments where screaming matches break out or where the little one will tackle the bigger one and crying and squealing ensues, but it is brothers and it is love.

Now that that first little miracle is close to turning 4 and his younger brother is celebrating Mother's Day by turning 2, I know that being a mom is a lot more then just having a baby. There is so much about being a mom that doesn't involve the physical use of our body to bare a child. It is about the heart.

A mom will always have thoughts flooding her mind about her kids. She will always worry, always attempt to protect, and always be there to comfort and support no matter what situation arises or how old her "children" get.

There are times where being a mom is tiring. I have a preschooler, a toddler, and a baby on the way and believe me, I am tired. I know moms who have children closer in age than I do and I know it is only through grace that I make it through the hard days. There are times where I think about the time I wish I could spend doing things I enjoy or like. I remember being pregnant that first time and napping when I wanted to and it being okay that I couldn't sleep at night because I could sleep late in the morning or take a nap in the evening. I remember having time to read and do art or be on the computer. Now I am lucky to have a shower without being interrupted. There are days where I look at the things other moms have time to do. Or the creative things they come up with and I wonder what is wrong with me. I get down on myself and think I am not being as "mom" as I ought to be. I don't do crafts often, I usually can't get my children to sit still and play quietly without me. I have a hard time finding the joy in being a stay-at-home-mom (stuck-at-home-mom) some days. But that is about the time I recheck my heart and think about some of the awesome stuff I do get to do.

I get to be my sons' first love and endure countless sweet kisses and hugs. I get to be their favorite cuddle spot. I am trusted with their secrets. I get to see all sides of them. I am privy to their funniest jokes and cutest sayings. I don't miss out on much of their day. I get to teach them through little things and I get to learn from them in other ways. And watching them as they grow out of clothes or when their feet start sticking out form the bottom of their blanket at night I am reminded how quickly they grow. The first time my son said full sentences, and when he started writing his letters, and when he sings off key in his loud voice only to be embarrassed when he sees I noticed and silences himself... those are times I know being here at home with them means I am not missing out on some of these things I may otherwise have missed. I am so blessed to be here with them everyday, all day. I don't want to miss a thing.

I remember my oldest son was learning to run and was practicing in the lobby at church. He ran out behind an elder lady, who at that moment decided to back up. She tripped over him and fell all the way to the ground my son was under her legs. I raced to help her dreading about broken hips and wrists and everything else that can happen to women when they fall. She looked at me as tears were starting to pour from my face, "Don't get me. Get the baby. Is the baby okay?" I was so embarrassed and scooped up my baby. He was fine just shaken. I had not felt scared for my own son at that moment (I don't know if I was just in shock and not thinking or if my instincts just knew he was okay because of how she had fallen). I felt horrible for the lady and I held my son close as the tears fell down both our cheeks. I comforted him and helped her get up. As horrible as that experience was it taught me a few things. It taught me that my son can bolt off in a flash, it taught me to not allow him to run loose at church, it taught me that sometimes you meet people in the strangest ways and sometimes it is because God wants to place that person in your life. If I hadn't of had that accident with that lady I would never have spoken to her probably. She became a prayer partner for me. She was a wonderful encouragement and had some great wisdom for me. I have learned through being a mom that sometimes the most embarrassing situations are the ones that God wants to teach you something through, or to give you some blessing on the other side of.

Another example: we were being interviewed for a position at a church. The pastor took us out to a restaurant. It was a little late and I knew my youngest son would be getting tired and fussy soon. I just hoped he would stay content if we had some food in front of  him. Well he started down right screaming in the restaurant and just throwing the crayons and being very upset. I tried to hold him and rock him but it didn't help. I had tried going to nurse him in the bathroom but there was only one stall and I didn't want to take it up. And I can't bring myself to nurse in front of this pastor that may be interested in hiring us. So I grab the blanket and go outside. I take my son and sit on the bench by the door to the restaurant and feed  him as discreetly as I can in the dusk light. I am covering myself up as much as possible and my son almost instantly starts to fall asleep. As I am calming him a couple comes out of the restaurant. I quickly check that all is covered and all the sudden the lady turns around and returns to me. She smiles so sweetly and says "I have been there. You are doing a good job. It will pass all too soon. Just know you are a good mom and enjoy your babies while they are little." I just about jumped up to hug her and cry! I needed that more than she knew and basically I had felt like the whole interview would be a bust because of how our children were acting! Thankfully, it wasn't and we were able to accept the position at the church and have been here about 10 months now. I have not forgotten that interchange with that lady. I don't know that I will ever know if I see her again but I am so glad that God brought her to me.

This next fall my oldest will be headed to preschool. He will be out of the house 4 mornings a week and I am already finding myself thinking about how big he is getting and how fast it is going.

The bad moments and stressful moments are far outweighed by the goofy, fun and loving moments. The tantrums in the restaurant and the crying in the toy store are just pieces of motherhood. Having your child throw himself on the ground out of stubbornness in the middle of a crowded hallway when you are 8 months pregnant are just the things that teach and make us stronger.

The Goings On the Journey

I must say these past 8 months have been a huge learning curve for Shane and I both. I have been learning my role in ministry. I still don't have it down yet but I am feeling more confident each day that God will help me get there and that He will help me to shift as my role needs to shift and that He is the ONLY way that I can even seem competent in my place.

I am learning a lot about relying on God to just help me focus on what I need to do and letting go of worrying about the things I think others ought to be doing.

IN OUR CHURCH:
Shane and I have been so blessed to be serving at our new church home in Ohio. We have a great group of teenagers. A lot of young excitement (both from us as a young couple starting out in ministry, and from the teens who have been eager and excited for a "new" face and all the "new" and "different" possibilities that entailed).

A big role, I have discovered, for me is to be a wife first of all. I know this seems awfully straight forward, but for me it wasn't. I had all these thoughts of what a youth pastor's wife should be doing for the teen girls. I had all these visions of sleep overs and make-up and nail-polish and Sunday school lessons on boys, dating, modesty (and yes even the "s-word") and Bible and book studies with just the ladies focusing them on growing in their life and walk to be mature and godly women. Then REALITY struck. My duty was first of all to be the wife I needed to be. That included watching and caring for my sons so that my husband could speak and teach with the teens and not be distracted by our children. That meant that on Sunday evenings my focus was to keep my toddler quiet and out of the room as much as possible and the same on Wednesdays. I needed to separate myself from the teen group in order to perform my role effectively and right. That struck me at first as counter productive. I had felt so strongly that my duty was to the girls in the youth department. But the Bible has taught me differently and in resting in that I have found so much peace in the fact that I am usually out babysitting my son when I am at church. That is okay. That is what God called me to do at this point in my ministry. I am not robbing anyone of anything. I am not robbing myself of an opportunity to serve, the truth is, I am serving. I am serving in a big way, because I am humbly doing what no body else will do (or can do) and I am doing it despite what my desires might be. I have also found that, even though sometimes it has been an inner struggle, my desire has shifted and I am finding joy in doing what needs to be done to serve Shane to the best of my ability in that area. Playing blocks with J in the back room brings me joy because I know that Shane is out teaching and I have done all that I can do help him stay focused on the task at hand and in turn I am helping the teens by allowing the Spirit to work without the 30 lb distraction running a-muck in the room.

IN OUR HOME:
Another thing I am working on is prioritizing Shane above the boys. It is so easy for me to say "Dishes didn't get done because J was so fussy." or "C wanted to play these games and I needed to help him so we didn't get dinner together yet." I have learned over the years what some of Shane's priorities are when it comes to the house chores. When I was doing my priorities first or the boys priorities first it was not working. Now that i have begun doing things (as much as possible) the way Shane would want them done I am finding that life seems to go a lot smoother. It isn't so much that his way is the better way (Although he would probably say that. ;) ) It is because in doing it by his priorities I am avoiding a lot of the stress and friction that there was between us and in turn things just run a whole lot smoother. I have found that instead of trying to be brushing each other the wrong way, as the wife I am to be the submissive one and let go of MY way and go with the flow. It is SO much easier to just let go and ride the flow. You might think how simple that sounds, but as women today it is not. We have "rights" and we have "dreams" and "goals" and "ambitions". Those things aren't bad at all, but when they get in the way of doing what we need to be doing they can become a negative.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will NEVER get to do what I want to do. Or that I will never reach my full potential. Right now, in my life, I have to learn how to prioritize differently and once I get that down and I get to where it is just second nature to meet Shane's needs and be the wife I need to be the rest will fall into place. Now, whether that means my "ambitions, desires, goals, and dreams" will shift to something else through the changes that take place, or whether I will find my time being more wisely used to the point where I have "spare" time to reach for those things has yet to be determined. All I know is that it feels so good to be doing things the way I was meant to be doing them and I am finding a lot more JOY filling my heart since just surrendering and letting go of how I THOUGHT it was supposed to be.

IN MY LIFE:
This has less to do with the ministry aspect and more with a personal one.
I have just been struggling off and on with the loss I faced this past fall. It has been so hard being away from those I cared about and even away from the church were I had grown so much. I was in a new church surrounded by completely new people and having to go through that feeling alone while not wanting to admit that because they are such loving and awesome people that surrounded us and loved on us each week. I still didn't really feel like I was "home" at that time. God brought an amazing couple into the picture and I was able make a friend (So hard for me to do). I am so blessed to have been able to build that relationship because God knew I desperately needed that as a "distraction" and as a part of my "edification". Through Danielle I have learned so much. She encourages me and pushes me. I am so blessed that God brought us together. Even now that she has moved away, we keep in touch and are going through a study together on being a godly wife. It has helped me with this whole "role seeking" trial I was going through with the new position and new church and even with trying to juggle two kids and a husband along the way. Basically, it has been one of the BEST studies I have done. (Probably, too, because I have actively been praying over this study each time I open the book up and asking God to just help me implement it in my life). Frankly, I knew I was headed down the path of bitterness and I knew that needed to change quickly. It wasn't anything anyone had done wrong (except myself), and the only place it would have led is disappointment, anger and frustration... if not pure destruction. I am so blessed. And today I can say I am so SO filled with true JOY! I am so EXCITED to see where God takes this life of mine. I am an empty shell just filled with anticipation on what God will flood my life with next. I no longer feel weighted down, sluggish and slow. I feel energized and ready for the day!

A DIFFICULT NOTE:
Speaking of the loss from the fall: I was working through some thoughts and wrote them down on a private blog but decided to share a piece of them here as well. You don't have to read them but for those of you who wish to;
Here is a glimpse into where I am at tonight:


My darling little one, as your due date draws ever nearer I am reminded more and more of the gaping absence of a swollen belly. The still absence of your wiggles and squirms. The thought of you not meeting me, or laying in my arms makes me sad and I cringe at how wrong it seems. On the same page, however, I realize that you were not meant to lay in my arms, you were not meant to be kissed by my lips. You were so special, God took you straight to His arms and into His loving embrace where He could kiss and comfort you and love on you. 

You were so special

God didn't want you on the earth for even one minute. 

He didn't want your lungs to breathe in the polluted air. 

He didn't want your hands to grasp at the dirty flesh of men. 

He didn't want your eyes to look on the filth surrounding us here. 

He wanted you to stay pure. 

He wanted you to stay free. 

He didn't want you to feel pain, 

or to shed even one single tear. 

He didn't desire you to grow old or weak. 

He didn't want you to have to fret or fear for anything for any length of time.

You had no sickness, no diseases. 

You never hungered or felt thirst. 

You were BLESSED.
And I am so HAPPY because of that.
You were BLESSED. And I am BLESSED to have known you as mine for even just that short time. Through realizing that as a gift, I must also realize that you were NEVER mine.

God allowed me to share in the WONDER that YOU ARE 

because 

HE is 

AMAZING CREATOR, 

FATHER, 

MERCIFUL, 

GRACIOUS, 

ALL-POWERFUL, 

OMNIPRESENT, 

GIVER and TAKER of life. 

And He is GOOD and FULL of LOVE for me and for you.

That is WHO my God is. 

That is WHY I am reminded I am: 

PRIVILEGED to have held you for those few weeks,
PRIVILEGED to have known you even existed!
PRIVILEGED to be able to find sorrow in the loss of you.
PRIVILEGED because God allowed it to be. 

And all things He performs in our lives is for OUR GOOD and for HIS GLORY. 

SO WE ARE PRIVILEGED INDEED!