The Goings On the Journey

I must say these past 8 months have been a huge learning curve for Shane and I both. I have been learning my role in ministry. I still don't have it down yet but I am feeling more confident each day that God will help me get there and that He will help me to shift as my role needs to shift and that He is the ONLY way that I can even seem competent in my place.

I am learning a lot about relying on God to just help me focus on what I need to do and letting go of worrying about the things I think others ought to be doing.

IN OUR CHURCH:
Shane and I have been so blessed to be serving at our new church home in Ohio. We have a great group of teenagers. A lot of young excitement (both from us as a young couple starting out in ministry, and from the teens who have been eager and excited for a "new" face and all the "new" and "different" possibilities that entailed).

A big role, I have discovered, for me is to be a wife first of all. I know this seems awfully straight forward, but for me it wasn't. I had all these thoughts of what a youth pastor's wife should be doing for the teen girls. I had all these visions of sleep overs and make-up and nail-polish and Sunday school lessons on boys, dating, modesty (and yes even the "s-word") and Bible and book studies with just the ladies focusing them on growing in their life and walk to be mature and godly women. Then REALITY struck. My duty was first of all to be the wife I needed to be. That included watching and caring for my sons so that my husband could speak and teach with the teens and not be distracted by our children. That meant that on Sunday evenings my focus was to keep my toddler quiet and out of the room as much as possible and the same on Wednesdays. I needed to separate myself from the teen group in order to perform my role effectively and right. That struck me at first as counter productive. I had felt so strongly that my duty was to the girls in the youth department. But the Bible has taught me differently and in resting in that I have found so much peace in the fact that I am usually out babysitting my son when I am at church. That is okay. That is what God called me to do at this point in my ministry. I am not robbing anyone of anything. I am not robbing myself of an opportunity to serve, the truth is, I am serving. I am serving in a big way, because I am humbly doing what no body else will do (or can do) and I am doing it despite what my desires might be. I have also found that, even though sometimes it has been an inner struggle, my desire has shifted and I am finding joy in doing what needs to be done to serve Shane to the best of my ability in that area. Playing blocks with J in the back room brings me joy because I know that Shane is out teaching and I have done all that I can do help him stay focused on the task at hand and in turn I am helping the teens by allowing the Spirit to work without the 30 lb distraction running a-muck in the room.

IN OUR HOME:
Another thing I am working on is prioritizing Shane above the boys. It is so easy for me to say "Dishes didn't get done because J was so fussy." or "C wanted to play these games and I needed to help him so we didn't get dinner together yet." I have learned over the years what some of Shane's priorities are when it comes to the house chores. When I was doing my priorities first or the boys priorities first it was not working. Now that i have begun doing things (as much as possible) the way Shane would want them done I am finding that life seems to go a lot smoother. It isn't so much that his way is the better way (Although he would probably say that. ;) ) It is because in doing it by his priorities I am avoiding a lot of the stress and friction that there was between us and in turn things just run a whole lot smoother. I have found that instead of trying to be brushing each other the wrong way, as the wife I am to be the submissive one and let go of MY way and go with the flow. It is SO much easier to just let go and ride the flow. You might think how simple that sounds, but as women today it is not. We have "rights" and we have "dreams" and "goals" and "ambitions". Those things aren't bad at all, but when they get in the way of doing what we need to be doing they can become a negative.

Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will NEVER get to do what I want to do. Or that I will never reach my full potential. Right now, in my life, I have to learn how to prioritize differently and once I get that down and I get to where it is just second nature to meet Shane's needs and be the wife I need to be the rest will fall into place. Now, whether that means my "ambitions, desires, goals, and dreams" will shift to something else through the changes that take place, or whether I will find my time being more wisely used to the point where I have "spare" time to reach for those things has yet to be determined. All I know is that it feels so good to be doing things the way I was meant to be doing them and I am finding a lot more JOY filling my heart since just surrendering and letting go of how I THOUGHT it was supposed to be.

IN MY LIFE:
This has less to do with the ministry aspect and more with a personal one.
I have just been struggling off and on with the loss I faced this past fall. It has been so hard being away from those I cared about and even away from the church were I had grown so much. I was in a new church surrounded by completely new people and having to go through that feeling alone while not wanting to admit that because they are such loving and awesome people that surrounded us and loved on us each week. I still didn't really feel like I was "home" at that time. God brought an amazing couple into the picture and I was able make a friend (So hard for me to do). I am so blessed to have been able to build that relationship because God knew I desperately needed that as a "distraction" and as a part of my "edification". Through Danielle I have learned so much. She encourages me and pushes me. I am so blessed that God brought us together. Even now that she has moved away, we keep in touch and are going through a study together on being a godly wife. It has helped me with this whole "role seeking" trial I was going through with the new position and new church and even with trying to juggle two kids and a husband along the way. Basically, it has been one of the BEST studies I have done. (Probably, too, because I have actively been praying over this study each time I open the book up and asking God to just help me implement it in my life). Frankly, I knew I was headed down the path of bitterness and I knew that needed to change quickly. It wasn't anything anyone had done wrong (except myself), and the only place it would have led is disappointment, anger and frustration... if not pure destruction. I am so blessed. And today I can say I am so SO filled with true JOY! I am so EXCITED to see where God takes this life of mine. I am an empty shell just filled with anticipation on what God will flood my life with next. I no longer feel weighted down, sluggish and slow. I feel energized and ready for the day!

A DIFFICULT NOTE:
Speaking of the loss from the fall: I was working through some thoughts and wrote them down on a private blog but decided to share a piece of them here as well. You don't have to read them but for those of you who wish to;
Here is a glimpse into where I am at tonight:


My darling little one, as your due date draws ever nearer I am reminded more and more of the gaping absence of a swollen belly. The still absence of your wiggles and squirms. The thought of you not meeting me, or laying in my arms makes me sad and I cringe at how wrong it seems. On the same page, however, I realize that you were not meant to lay in my arms, you were not meant to be kissed by my lips. You were so special, God took you straight to His arms and into His loving embrace where He could kiss and comfort you and love on you. 

You were so special

God didn't want you on the earth for even one minute. 

He didn't want your lungs to breathe in the polluted air. 

He didn't want your hands to grasp at the dirty flesh of men. 

He didn't want your eyes to look on the filth surrounding us here. 

He wanted you to stay pure. 

He wanted you to stay free. 

He didn't want you to feel pain, 

or to shed even one single tear. 

He didn't desire you to grow old or weak. 

He didn't want you to have to fret or fear for anything for any length of time.

You had no sickness, no diseases. 

You never hungered or felt thirst. 

You were BLESSED.
And I am so HAPPY because of that.
You were BLESSED. And I am BLESSED to have known you as mine for even just that short time. Through realizing that as a gift, I must also realize that you were NEVER mine.

God allowed me to share in the WONDER that YOU ARE 

because 

HE is 

AMAZING CREATOR, 

FATHER, 

MERCIFUL, 

GRACIOUS, 

ALL-POWERFUL, 

OMNIPRESENT, 

GIVER and TAKER of life. 

And He is GOOD and FULL of LOVE for me and for you.

That is WHO my God is. 

That is WHY I am reminded I am: 

PRIVILEGED to have held you for those few weeks,
PRIVILEGED to have known you even existed!
PRIVILEGED to be able to find sorrow in the loss of you.
PRIVILEGED because God allowed it to be. 

And all things He performs in our lives is for OUR GOOD and for HIS GLORY. 

SO WE ARE PRIVILEGED INDEED!

A Place I am Coming From

Worry. Anxiety. Stress.


"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.

Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.

I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.

In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.

In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.

When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.

Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.

My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.

I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.

What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.

Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.

I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).

And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).

You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.

"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.

Going and going (before it is gone)...

This thing called life just doesn't slow down.
The boys:
They are growing faster then I ever remember growing. My toddler is using sentences and discovering more and more words without me having to teach them to him. The "seizures" have not returned as of yet and his EEG came back normal for now so we are just going to go on living normally and keeping our eyes on him. The baby is attempting to stand more often. He is just now getting the hang of crawling with his tummy off the floor but I don't think it will be too long before he just wants to walk.
I am not as good of a mom as I dreamed I would be. I don't do activities well with my boys like I wish I did. I get so many ideas in my head of things that would be so neat to do but then I get frustrated or worn out and just want them to play on their own and stop bugging me. And that is the point where I look at myself from the outside and say "what are you thinking? One day they will be bigger and self sufficient and you will wish you had their little hands tugging on you and their little heads leaning into you, and their little eyes looking up at you begging you to play." And I have to admit I was wrong to push them away. The toddler came up to me today, after an episode like this, and took his small hands to the sides of my face and said "Mommy isses?" I repeated "Does mommy want kisses?" He nodded his head and said "Mommy isses." And bent in and gave the sweetest kisses a mommy could ask for. And I just about cried. I love my boys. I just struggle with finding joy in each day I am with them stuck at home. And that is my wrong.
The job:
My husband and I had an interview after Christmas for a youth position at a church in MI. We were thrilled that we had been called but weren't going in expecting much. Turns out we got called back and will be traveling to Garden City in March to visit the church and see if we might be a fit. We are continuing to pray for guidance, wisdom, and peace in the job situation. I am continually grateful for my husband's job with the school district here in MO but our passion is in ministry. We are going to continue looking for the place God has for us in ministry even if this church in MI isn't it.
My life:
Like I said above I have several areas to work on. I need to work on my mothering skills and finding the joy in that. Raising these boys needs to be fun. I know it can be, I just need to work on making it fun, for all involved.
Being the wife I need to be is also important. There has to be a place where God would have me balanced between caring for these sweet boys and still keeping my husband first. I need to be sure I am meeting his needs and keeping up with what is important to him. He likes the house clean and so I need to be sure that in having fun with the boys I don't make excuses to ignore the home.
Praying needs to be forefront in my life. I need to pray for a balance. I need to pray for so much. It is amazing how much I need to pray. It soothes me and renews me. It strengthens me and empowers me. It fills me and lightens my spirit.
God has amazing things in store. I need to depend on Him and Him alone.