Joy in Mothering?

This is being written for honesty sake and not for any other reason. I feel I need to be honest on this journey blog and sometimes being honest means sharing a part that is difficult to share or not the most flattering part of who you are. This is to remind the readers that this life is a journey and it is a journey I am trying to continually learn from and hopefully become better and better along the way.

Recently I went through a slump and found myself hitting a wall in finding the joy of mothering. I lashed out at each of my boys (including my husband). I was frustrated and irritated. I became easily angered and upset over things that were silly and pointless. One night as I was home alone trying to put the baby to bed (He was fighting it as hard as he could). I found myself growing more and more frustrated at him. Now, I would never, NEVER, hurt my child intentionally, but I was getting mad. I had rocked him and patted him and laid him in his crib and shut the door only to hear him begin screaming all over again. I would go in and try to calm him only to find that he was inconsolable. I would hold him again and get him calm and lay him back down, over and over. I finally was fed up and laid him down (probably rougher then I needed to) and yelled at him "Just go to sleep!" and slammed his door and slammed my door waking the 2-year-old in the process and of course making myself more irritated. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside. I saw myself laying the baby down and yelling and the calm voice in my head telling me "Just calm down. He doesn't know any better. Yelling will just make him scared and make it worse..." But listening to that voice was not on the agenda at that moment. I am not an angry person and I am not the type of person to be violent or aggressive. I chose not to return to their room. I didn't want to do anything else to make it worse. So, of course, as my boys were crying in their beds I began crying in my room. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I knew I had been holding in feelings for a long time and they just snapped. I reached out to my mom. I let her know what was going on and that I needed to talk.
She brought up something I suppose I had been ignoring. She said it was possible I was resenting the baby. As I wanted to say, "No way. I love him." I had to think about it and when I thought about it I realized that yes I was. I resented him. I resented Shane for talking me into wanting another child so soon. I resented the fact that I had to quit my job (that I LOVED) because we couldn't pay for both boys in daycare (I placed that on the baby too, because he was a larger chunk of that bill). I resented the fact that because I quit my job I have been stuck at home 24 hours a day with him and now he only wanted me ALL the time. I resented the fact that he was active and into everything and not calm like his brother had been. I resented that I can't do as many things with the 2-year-old as I had envisioned because I have a baby to watch over and haul around. I resented that I couldn't just go out because when I go out with the boys I have to be sure they are not going to get too tired while I am out, that the baby won't get hungry because I have no time to pump at home and trying to find a suitable, quiet and safe place to nurse in public is hard, especially one that keeps the 2-year-old contained and occupied. And leaving them home is not an option unless I have planned it in advance enough to be sure their dad is willing and able to watch them and that the baby won't need a bottle. Yes. I resented my baby. SERIOUSLY as ridiculous as this sounds! All the sudden I saw what I had done. As all these thoughts poured through my head. I began going through each one and thinking logically about them. It was not the baby's choice to be born. It wasn't his choice. It was our decision. It isn't like he was that much of a surprise. Sure, I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly but I did want a second child. God gave him to me when He did. God gave him to me like He did and in His timing and with His purpose. It isn't the baby's fault he gets tired and cranky or hungry. I need to be thankful that he has a pretty reliable schedule. I need to be thankful that he isn't like his older brother who never seemed set in any pattern. The baby naps around the same time every day and eats around the same time every day. I know when he is tired and I know when to expect him to get hungry. I know how to get him to sleep (most nights) and I know that he will sleep fine in his own bed (also unlike his big brother). This baby is not a burden. He is a gift. I seriously thought every negative thought through and knew I was the foolish one for having those thoughts. I was the one who needed a change and I knew I needed to work on some things.
First, I knew I was missing out on spiritual growth. I had been out of church for three weeks in a row because the baby was sick, then I was sick, then the toddler was sick. I was not in church, so secondly, I was missing out on social interactions. I relied on the quick "Hello"s in the hallways and the "how are you?"s  in the classrooms and the quick hug from a friend or two as I was leaving the service. Probably wouldn't be enough social interaction for a lot of people but it was enough to sustain me. It was also little enough that without it for three weeks I was a wreck of emotions and drained from the lack of it. Third, I was thinking about my lack of ministry. I felt useless. I didn't have my Sunday school class to teach each week. I didn't have the thought of a youth ministry that might possibly want to use us. I had felt needed and a part of something when I taught the Sunday school class. I felt like I was doing my part and that I was missed when I wasn't there. Now I felt like very few people noticed when I wasn't there. I also had lost the ministry I had as a hospital employee. I had thrown my all into doing my very best to serve the ladies I came in contact with at the hospital. I had the idea that that was a ministry. I served and tried to be humble and show a willingness to do whatever I was asked and do it to the best of my ability in the hopes that God's light would shine through me. I found myself at home with two little boys and that was my life. That is it. I felt unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I felt like I was wasting my call sitting and changing diapers and picking up toys over and over all day long. I went to Bible College and felt burdened for people and my ministry was to two boys. That is all I felt like I was touching. It didn't feel like enough.
So I found myself posting on a social network, looking for someone to meet up with for a "play-date" with my kids. I was so drained socially that I only could reach out over the Internet on a public site. That is how far my social life is down the drain. It is my own fault. I didn't cultivate relationships. I consider myself a kind person. I believe I am nice and encouraging. I think I am a pretty good listener and I can sympathize with the best and empathize with the worst. I built relationships at work but didn't bother to build them up outside of work so when I find myself without co-workers to relate to I feel like I have a blank wall and don't know them as well as I imagined I did. I also took my relationship with my sister for granted. I built that up and socialized with her instead of building friendships with other people and so now as I find her traveling the country I find myself without a friend to go do things with. I know plenty of people but I doubt any them would count me among their top 3 friends, or even their top 5. I don't even know how many would consider me in their top 10. Ha ha! I don't think I am unfriendly by any means, I just never worked towards making friends in the first place, or making myself known as an available friend.
Thankfully, God called me friend. And thankfully He had a plan. Through my pathetic attempt at finding some social life for me God said, "I have got this. Just watch this happen and watch Me work!" Several people responded to my post and reached out of their comfort zones. I truly appreciate that. An idea also has surfaced through the thought of "minister where you are placed".
I am wondering if any other mom's might possibly be in the same sort of slump? Maybe they are feeling lonely, trapped, or overwhelmed? I have felt so much more joy after realizing that God is the one in control of each of the circumstances I find myself in. I have to know that he has the best interest at heart. I realize that joy comes from Him and that it is my job to grab hold of that joy and receive it. If I don't I will find myself miserable and longing for a life that I don't have. Am I always thrilled to death with the fact I am home with my boys 24 hours a day without a car and without anything in safe walking distance? No. I am not always thrilled but I am finding myself choosing joy more often. I am finding myself seeing a future where I am feeling useful and where I am ministering where I feel the calling of God. Shane has told me before that there are mom's who would kill to be able to stay at home with their babies. I usually snap back at him, "I am not one of those moms!" But when I am honest in my heart, there is no better place for me right now. My boys could not be in better hands than the hands God has placed them in, and for now, those happen to be my hands. So, thank you God for my sweet baby boys. Thank you for their different personalities. Thank you for their health and safety.
One thing that amazes me each day: Even when I make mistakes and get frustrated and angry at my babies they still come to me with a longing face and calm their crying in my embrace. They desire to be near me and loved by me and would not wish to be comforted by any other person in the world. So in conclusion:  Thank you God, most of all, for their small hearts full of love for me.

Going and going (before it is gone)...

This thing called life just doesn't slow down.
The boys:
They are growing faster then I ever remember growing. My toddler is using sentences and discovering more and more words without me having to teach them to him. The "seizures" have not returned as of yet and his EEG came back normal for now so we are just going to go on living normally and keeping our eyes on him. The baby is attempting to stand more often. He is just now getting the hang of crawling with his tummy off the floor but I don't think it will be too long before he just wants to walk.
I am not as good of a mom as I dreamed I would be. I don't do activities well with my boys like I wish I did. I get so many ideas in my head of things that would be so neat to do but then I get frustrated or worn out and just want them to play on their own and stop bugging me. And that is the point where I look at myself from the outside and say "what are you thinking? One day they will be bigger and self sufficient and you will wish you had their little hands tugging on you and their little heads leaning into you, and their little eyes looking up at you begging you to play." And I have to admit I was wrong to push them away. The toddler came up to me today, after an episode like this, and took his small hands to the sides of my face and said "Mommy isses?" I repeated "Does mommy want kisses?" He nodded his head and said "Mommy isses." And bent in and gave the sweetest kisses a mommy could ask for. And I just about cried. I love my boys. I just struggle with finding joy in each day I am with them stuck at home. And that is my wrong.
The job:
My husband and I had an interview after Christmas for a youth position at a church in MI. We were thrilled that we had been called but weren't going in expecting much. Turns out we got called back and will be traveling to Garden City in March to visit the church and see if we might be a fit. We are continuing to pray for guidance, wisdom, and peace in the job situation. I am continually grateful for my husband's job with the school district here in MO but our passion is in ministry. We are going to continue looking for the place God has for us in ministry even if this church in MI isn't it.
My life:
Like I said above I have several areas to work on. I need to work on my mothering skills and finding the joy in that. Raising these boys needs to be fun. I know it can be, I just need to work on making it fun, for all involved.
Being the wife I need to be is also important. There has to be a place where God would have me balanced between caring for these sweet boys and still keeping my husband first. I need to be sure I am meeting his needs and keeping up with what is important to him. He likes the house clean and so I need to be sure that in having fun with the boys I don't make excuses to ignore the home.
Praying needs to be forefront in my life. I need to pray for a balance. I need to pray for so much. It is amazing how much I need to pray. It soothes me and renews me. It strengthens me and empowers me. It fills me and lightens my spirit.
God has amazing things in store. I need to depend on Him and Him alone.