A Note about Marriage

Recently I came upon a post about another marriage falling to pieces. Young children, new stressors, and differences in opinion on what was important in each of the spouses' lives were driving them apart. It broke my heart. Then other people, believers and non, were commenting about how she needed to get out or that she needed to do what made her happy. How it was about her life and what was best for her and her kids... I have heard it before. But I feel like as a believer marriage should be so, SO much more steadfast then it is. It is so much more important. It should mean so much more.

Marriage is not about being "Happy" every day... you have to choose to have joy... it is not natural to just automatically be happy every day with how your life is... it is not natural to have the same feelings you had when you were newlyweds... Marriage is about choosing to LOVE... and Choosing to find joy in the way your life is... and CHOOSING To better yourself in order to be better for the other person. It is putting what THEY need before what you think you need. Sometimes that ends up being a one way street if the other person is not all in for some reason or another... And that is one reason why marriages fail SO much. Both people have to be willing so sacrifice and love despite the others faults and shortcomings. And it stinks sometimes. In my marriage there are times I choose to stick it out and work on what I can work on and pray for him to change and to get out of his funk as soon as possible. I am sure he could say the same at times about me needing a heart change. We each have had stretches of discontentment/selfishness thankfully we don't speak about divorce and made that commitment to each other before we even said "I do".

We will be sticking out the rough times "for better or worse" is what we vowed... and thankfully we both are on the same page about that.

Faithfulness is a Godly attribute, Love is God, Joy is only from God... selflessness... or putting your spouse first... So many people talk about putting their kids first, no wonder your spouse feels less important in your life! No wonder unbelievers have such a hard time to grasp the concept of lasting marriages they fail to understand the God who created marriage and who is the living example of the fulfillment of the attributes needed for a successful marriage!

So many believers fall into the trap as well. They feel "unhappy", "underappreciated", "disrespected"... Maybe they said different vows than I did. I remember saying "For better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer...until death..." Were those just words? Did they only apply if my husband became a successful professional with a steady income full of security and stability? Did it only apply if I, as the wife, grew to be the June Cleaver of the neighborhood who could manage to rear my little ones without burning dinner or leaving dishes in the sink and unfolded laundry sitting in mountains while looking put together when my husband walks in the door night after night with no complaining of needing an escape (or break)? What about when my dreams change and I decide I don't want to be a stay at home mom but would like to pursue a career? What if my dreams don't line up when his? Surely it doesn't apply then... Or does it? Did it mean only when both of us are pulling our weight? Or when both of us felt like it?

Please don't misunderstand, there are things that you may need to seek help about in your marriage. There are things you may need to get away from that are IMPORTANT to not write off as "this is my lot in life... my burden to bear..." Please get help if you need it. I also realize there are times when you cannot stop the other person from giving up. You can do all you can but you cannot change what they do. But when it comes to your "feelings" changing... REALLY?! Seek God! Seek Him only for the things you need. Your spouse will FAIL YOU if you are putting all your trust and hope in them! They are HUMAN. God will make even the best of them fail you if He needs to in order to turn your trust and faith back to Him. He is the ONLY unfailing rock... The ONLY steadfast in this life.

Fearfully and Wonderfully

Sometimes there is a place where as a mom you have to say "I Don't KNOW?!"
I was placed in that situation and it humbled me with a realization that I truly was left without an answer. My sweet middle child is a handful. He has ALWAYS been a handful. He has always been physical, sometimes to the point of harm to himself or others. We have realized that he cannot control it once is reaches a point and there is nothing to be done about it then except for getting him calm as quickly and safely as possible. When I am with him at home I put him on his bed or the couch away from others but as he becomes more independent he also is away from me more often and usually in a room full of other children. I was approached a couple times in a short time span with the question: How do you handle your child when he has a meltdown/tantrum? What warning signs are there that he is beginning to meltdown?

Both times I had to look at them defeated and say "I don't know." I don't have the answers. I really wish I did. I really, REALLY wish I did! What works one day doesn't seem to work the next time. Just trying to judge if he is throwing a tantrum because he didn't get what he wants or if he actually is melting down and is physically unable to bring himself back are both fighting in my mind when it happens. I don't want to punish him for something he is unable to control BUT I don't want to be lenient on a child who is just pushing buttons for what he wants and encourage his behavior by not squelching it. We had been doing everything in our power to punish the "tantrums". When nothing works over and over again no matter how consistent and severe the punishment our eyes were really opening to the possibility that something may really be wrong. It is only recently that we became aware that he is physically unable to bring himself back and control the outbursts. He has actually shown me a couple times that he has no memory of the event that had just happened. It was eye opening. He has told me during an episode where I gave him sufficient time and security to answer me "I can't calm down!" or "I don't know how to stop!" and it truly breaks his heart. I have only just begun trying to work at ways to help him calm back down. I usually can avoid a big meltdown by keeping our routine and setting timers for activities so testing the calming methods has been slow and I still don't have my answers. I feel like I should know. That I should have a perfect (or at least almost perfect) knowledge of my (almost) 5 year old child. But I am having to play it by ear and do trial and error problem solving because apparently God didn't remember to send me the manual for this child! I sit and scratch my head and am daily reminded that kids have their own personalities and they aren't all going to fit in what people might think is a perfect mold. Some of them cannot fit in even if they wanted to!
So, no, I don't know my child. But I know the one who made him EXACTLY how he is. I know the one who made him especially special and I know HE knows how my sweet baby works. I have to faithfully lean on the knowledge of His faithfulness to complete the work HE began in my baby boy.

This was written in a time of frustration and confusion for this mama. And a time of frustration and confusion for my sweet boy. He came to me, pure frustration in his face and he stomped his foot and clenched his fists and said, "Mama, you just never understand me! You just don't understand anything I say all the time!" I scooped him up in my lap and hugged him so tightly and said that I understood everything he said but sometimes my answer still had to be the thing he didn't want me to say. Sometimes you can't have what you think you NEED. He got down and lay back in his bed. A couple minutes later he hopped up quick and ran on his tiptoes over to lay his head on my lap, "Mama, i am sorry for being bad boy all the time. I am sorry for all the bad all the days!"
My eyes began to tear up and I just as quickly pulled him up to his feet and grabbed him in a hug and I told him "You are not a bad boy. You sometimes do things that are bad but you also do things that are sweet and good. And I love you no matter what you do." We don't know where this is going to take us and J. We are at the beginning of yet another journey with him. One step at a time. That is all we can do. It is all we can ever do.

Tantrums?, meltdowns?,
Confusion?, fear?
Bad boy, poor boy
Sweet boy, Mean?
Precious, Sick?
Perfect, Broken?
Lost, Nonverbal,
"I can't calm down", Relax!
Fidget, Frightened,
Focus, Safe.
Cuddled, Separated,
Zoned, Calm.
Change, Unexpected,
Mistake, Screaming!
Kicking, Biting,
Flailing, Collapse.
Weigh down, Bear Hug,
No Touch?, Safe touch?,
Cuddled, quiet,
Sorry, Love me.
Always, always love,
Special, Sweet,
All the time, Love!
Even when, Love.