Fearfully and Wonderfully

Sometimes there is a place where as a mom you have to say "I Don't KNOW?!"
I was placed in that situation and it humbled me with a realization that I truly was left without an answer. My sweet middle child is a handful. He has ALWAYS been a handful. He has always been physical, sometimes to the point of harm to himself or others. We have realized that he cannot control it once is reaches a point and there is nothing to be done about it then except for getting him calm as quickly and safely as possible. When I am with him at home I put him on his bed or the couch away from others but as he becomes more independent he also is away from me more often and usually in a room full of other children. I was approached a couple times in a short time span with the question: How do you handle your child when he has a meltdown/tantrum? What warning signs are there that he is beginning to meltdown?

Both times I had to look at them defeated and say "I don't know." I don't have the answers. I really wish I did. I really, REALLY wish I did! What works one day doesn't seem to work the next time. Just trying to judge if he is throwing a tantrum because he didn't get what he wants or if he actually is melting down and is physically unable to bring himself back are both fighting in my mind when it happens. I don't want to punish him for something he is unable to control BUT I don't want to be lenient on a child who is just pushing buttons for what he wants and encourage his behavior by not squelching it. We had been doing everything in our power to punish the "tantrums". When nothing works over and over again no matter how consistent and severe the punishment our eyes were really opening to the possibility that something may really be wrong. It is only recently that we became aware that he is physically unable to bring himself back and control the outbursts. He has actually shown me a couple times that he has no memory of the event that had just happened. It was eye opening. He has told me during an episode where I gave him sufficient time and security to answer me "I can't calm down!" or "I don't know how to stop!" and it truly breaks his heart. I have only just begun trying to work at ways to help him calm back down. I usually can avoid a big meltdown by keeping our routine and setting timers for activities so testing the calming methods has been slow and I still don't have my answers. I feel like I should know. That I should have a perfect (or at least almost perfect) knowledge of my (almost) 5 year old child. But I am having to play it by ear and do trial and error problem solving because apparently God didn't remember to send me the manual for this child! I sit and scratch my head and am daily reminded that kids have their own personalities and they aren't all going to fit in what people might think is a perfect mold. Some of them cannot fit in even if they wanted to!
So, no, I don't know my child. But I know the one who made him EXACTLY how he is. I know the one who made him especially special and I know HE knows how my sweet baby works. I have to faithfully lean on the knowledge of His faithfulness to complete the work HE began in my baby boy.

This was written in a time of frustration and confusion for this mama. And a time of frustration and confusion for my sweet boy. He came to me, pure frustration in his face and he stomped his foot and clenched his fists and said, "Mama, you just never understand me! You just don't understand anything I say all the time!" I scooped him up in my lap and hugged him so tightly and said that I understood everything he said but sometimes my answer still had to be the thing he didn't want me to say. Sometimes you can't have what you think you NEED. He got down and lay back in his bed. A couple minutes later he hopped up quick and ran on his tiptoes over to lay his head on my lap, "Mama, i am sorry for being bad boy all the time. I am sorry for all the bad all the days!"
My eyes began to tear up and I just as quickly pulled him up to his feet and grabbed him in a hug and I told him "You are not a bad boy. You sometimes do things that are bad but you also do things that are sweet and good. And I love you no matter what you do." We don't know where this is going to take us and J. We are at the beginning of yet another journey with him. One step at a time. That is all we can do. It is all we can ever do.

Tantrums?, meltdowns?,
Confusion?, fear?
Bad boy, poor boy
Sweet boy, Mean?
Precious, Sick?
Perfect, Broken?
Lost, Nonverbal,
"I can't calm down", Relax!
Fidget, Frightened,
Focus, Safe.
Cuddled, Separated,
Zoned, Calm.
Change, Unexpected,
Mistake, Screaming!
Kicking, Biting,
Flailing, Collapse.
Weigh down, Bear Hug,
No Touch?, Safe touch?,
Cuddled, quiet,
Sorry, Love me.
Always, always love,
Special, Sweet,
All the time, Love!
Even when, Love.