Stone 7 In the Darkness/ My God my Provider and Sustainer Shane was fired without warning from his youth position in February of 2014. God removed us swiftly from the church. We were told we were not allowed to post to social media what had happened if we expected to receive any sort of severance. We were told we were not allowed to go to the youth room to tell the teens ourself. It felt very, VERY wrong but we were young and just did what we were told. As an older adult now I think we should have let our voices be heard. We were never accused of anything. Shane had been told it was because there was lack of growth in the youth department (which did not make any sense). The teens didn’t understand, I think many never forgave us. Shane has had a few reach out over the years and heard that what they were told was different from what we experienced. At the time, Shane was our main income. My working outside the home was frowned upon by the pastor, he wanted me to be there to fully support Shane and the ministry. I baby sat a toddler girl full-time in our home but it wasn’t much. I also had just given birth to Owen in November of 2013. We didn’t know how to even begin to ask for help. Shane tried to find work. But we were in a VERY small town. He ended up getting a job through a relative but had to commute a ways to it. The day before he was supposed to go we had no idea how he would get there. We had no money. A man came to our door and had Shane follow him so he could fill our car up with gas. The man had no idea Shane was supposed to begin work the next day or that we even needed gas. He told Shane he had felt called to get us some gas, so he did. Sometimes I would open my door to see groceries and diapers on the porch. Money would show up in the mail and be just enough to pay the next bill. Women came and spent time with me to try to encourage me. A man brought us space heaters when our heat was turned off over one particularly cold weekend. Somehow we were able to get to Akron every Sunday for church without incident. The pastor at the church we started attending got the boys each a pair of shoes and let Shane “shop” in their food pantry during the week. When we finally decided we needed to leave Ohio and get back to Missouri if we were ever going to get back on our feet, my in-laws said the 5 of us could move in with them in their 2 bedroom trailer. We saved money from several people and sorted through all of our stuff. We sold whatever we could. When we sold Curtis’ bed I remember him being VERY upset. The man who bought it took him outside and showed him how he was going to turn it into a bench. He was excited to know his bed would be made into something new. When we left we had 3 little boys in the car, an almost 5 year old, a 3 year old and an 8 month old. Whatever of our life we could fit around them and in the trunk was what we took with us. We were able to rent a small truck to take some items to my sister to store for us in Dayton but it wasn’t much and we could not take the truck all the way to Missouri. This was my first encounter with this sort of rock bottom. We had to be completely dependent on God. He kept showing up over and over again in so many small but very big ways. He provided for the needs we had, He sustained us until He said it was enough. We have never been that destitute again. We have had a couple times where it felt like it was coming but God was always gracious to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Because of this season we went through my anxiety has been kept in check in those valleys. God provided through all of this. He will provide still.
Stone 8
A Shelter/ My God my Refuge
We moved in with my in-laws in July of 2014. I remember as soon as I turned on the truck as we left our house in Ohio the song that played from the radio said “I’m going home, to the place where I belong…” I almost lost it then and there it was a reassurance from God that it was time to go home. My in-laws offered open arms and a safe landing place. All five of us slept in one room but at least we had a place to be that was sure and safe. Shane and I found work. We were able to attend church where my husband had been in youth group as a teen. His home pastor was so kind and gentle to us as we began the healing process. We were welcomed home to heal. Church wounds are deep. Ministry wounds are deep. My relationship with my in-laws would not be as strong as it is today if it had not been for the 6 months we spent under their roof. We had some fights but we learned so much about each other. I had a wreck close to Christmas. I don’t know how I walked away from it. Looking at the pictures I am in awe that God allowed me to escape with such minor injuries. I have a piece of glass still in my face from the accident. I feel it every day and it reminds me of God’s goodness. The wreck was almost like a vaulting point. We found a house shortly after that to move into. It was rundown and TINY but it was 2 bedrooms and it was month to month rent. The landlord wanted to keep it open so when we could find a better place we could move without waiting for a lease to be up. It was right down the road from my in-laws. We only stayed in that home 3 or 4 months before finding an income based apartment that was a little nicer and larger. These memories tell me of security, safety, and the balm that is “home”. God is our refuge. Going to Him in difficult storms will have you finding rest. Striving after Him for the comfort He alone can provide will give peace the world can never understand while the wind and rain swirl around you. God did not have us walk this world alone. We have others He has put in our path to walk with us. Sometimes they push us to be better people, sometimes they comfort us and hold us when we need to catch our breath. Every time God has brought the right people and the right help in our time of need. We find our refuge in Him.
A Shelter/ My God my Refuge
We moved in with my in-laws in July of 2014. I remember as soon as I turned on the truck as we left our house in Ohio the song that played from the radio said “I’m going home, to the place where I belong…” I almost lost it then and there it was a reassurance from God that it was time to go home. My in-laws offered open arms and a safe landing place. All five of us slept in one room but at least we had a place to be that was sure and safe. Shane and I found work. We were able to attend church where my husband had been in youth group as a teen. His home pastor was so kind and gentle to us as we began the healing process. We were welcomed home to heal. Church wounds are deep. Ministry wounds are deep. My relationship with my in-laws would not be as strong as it is today if it had not been for the 6 months we spent under their roof. We had some fights but we learned so much about each other. I had a wreck close to Christmas. I don’t know how I walked away from it. Looking at the pictures I am in awe that God allowed me to escape with such minor injuries. I have a piece of glass still in my face from the accident. I feel it every day and it reminds me of God’s goodness. The wreck was almost like a vaulting point. We found a house shortly after that to move into. It was rundown and TINY but it was 2 bedrooms and it was month to month rent. The landlord wanted to keep it open so when we could find a better place we could move without waiting for a lease to be up. It was right down the road from my in-laws. We only stayed in that home 3 or 4 months before finding an income based apartment that was a little nicer and larger. These memories tell me of security, safety, and the balm that is “home”. God is our refuge. Going to Him in difficult storms will have you finding rest. Striving after Him for the comfort He alone can provide will give peace the world can never understand while the wind and rain swirl around you. God did not have us walk this world alone. We have others He has put in our path to walk with us. Sometimes they push us to be better people, sometimes they comfort us and hold us when we need to catch our breath. Every time God has brought the right people and the right help in our time of need. We find our refuge in Him.
Stone 9
A Perfect Fitting Piece/ My God the Way-maker
I mentioned before that I was planning on being a missionary overseas. I had it all planned out. I mentioned I met and married a man who was going to be a missionary overseas. I also mentioned he changed his mind. I was pretty upset about it at first. I then surrendered to it. It didn’t mean I understood it. Some clarity to the twist I was thrown into came May 2017, almost 10 years after my plans were changed for me. A children’s division worker in New Jersey gave us a call that changed our lives. She let us know Arayah and James needed a permanent placement. They had been in custody of the state for 3 years. We had not even known they were in the State’s custody. If we had been overseas we would not have been available to take them. If we had gotten the call 3 years earlier we would have been homeless. If we had not just moved into a 3 bedroom home that spring we would not have had the space to be approved. Shane was on the phone and looked at me. He asked me if I was willing. I could not even imagine not saying “yes” and trying. Shane and I had always discussed adopting or fostering. We always thought it would be best to do it when the boys were older. The complete unexpected call was clearly God asking us to be willing for a change of our plans. We were completely united, willing, and ready to follow this time. There were many pieces to that puzzle that clicked perfectly into place as perfect timing and circumstances. I will be honest that there were several times I thought we would take the next step and the whole thing would be shut down. Every time the way was made clear. The home study, the prying into our finances and form of discipline. Interviewing the kids alone asking them who knows what and knowing they could answer anything (I have 3 very creative boys). I will never forget sitting in front of a psychologist in New Jersey being told to draw pictures of trees and houses and being asked so many invasive questions about race and our biases and thinking this would be when the door was going to slam shut, trying to trust God with the outcome either way. He seemed so sure that Arayah needed to be with a black family, despite her bio mom being white and us being blood relations. Then mediation happened and paperwork was signed by their mom to directly sign her rights of the kids over to us and only us. The Psychologists opinion never even got presented to the court. It took a big unknown off the table. I look at those children and know there is a reason God changed Shane’s mind so definitively way back in Bible college. There is a reason thier mom held out on giving out our name for 3 years (and it wasn’t just stubbornness, it was God!). Even when it has been difficult, I know God opened the doors, He made the way. It is only because of Him. There is no other human reason it should have worked out the way it did. This memory is the one I continually go to when something drastically pivots my plans. God has a reason, a purpose and a plan that I just can’t see yet. He will bring it to fruition. He is the Way-maker whether I get to see it play out or not. This time He allowed us to see a glimpse of His perfect orchestration. It leaves me Awestruck how He can converge multiple lives to the perfect intersection, working years of paths and decisions into a beautiful purpose.
A Perfect Fitting Piece/ My God the Way-maker
I mentioned before that I was planning on being a missionary overseas. I had it all planned out. I mentioned I met and married a man who was going to be a missionary overseas. I also mentioned he changed his mind. I was pretty upset about it at first. I then surrendered to it. It didn’t mean I understood it. Some clarity to the twist I was thrown into came May 2017, almost 10 years after my plans were changed for me. A children’s division worker in New Jersey gave us a call that changed our lives. She let us know Arayah and James needed a permanent placement. They had been in custody of the state for 3 years. We had not even known they were in the State’s custody. If we had been overseas we would not have been available to take them. If we had gotten the call 3 years earlier we would have been homeless. If we had not just moved into a 3 bedroom home that spring we would not have had the space to be approved. Shane was on the phone and looked at me. He asked me if I was willing. I could not even imagine not saying “yes” and trying. Shane and I had always discussed adopting or fostering. We always thought it would be best to do it when the boys were older. The complete unexpected call was clearly God asking us to be willing for a change of our plans. We were completely united, willing, and ready to follow this time. There were many pieces to that puzzle that clicked perfectly into place as perfect timing and circumstances. I will be honest that there were several times I thought we would take the next step and the whole thing would be shut down. Every time the way was made clear. The home study, the prying into our finances and form of discipline. Interviewing the kids alone asking them who knows what and knowing they could answer anything (I have 3 very creative boys). I will never forget sitting in front of a psychologist in New Jersey being told to draw pictures of trees and houses and being asked so many invasive questions about race and our biases and thinking this would be when the door was going to slam shut, trying to trust God with the outcome either way. He seemed so sure that Arayah needed to be with a black family, despite her bio mom being white and us being blood relations. Then mediation happened and paperwork was signed by their mom to directly sign her rights of the kids over to us and only us. The Psychologists opinion never even got presented to the court. It took a big unknown off the table. I look at those children and know there is a reason God changed Shane’s mind so definitively way back in Bible college. There is a reason thier mom held out on giving out our name for 3 years (and it wasn’t just stubbornness, it was God!). Even when it has been difficult, I know God opened the doors, He made the way. It is only because of Him. There is no other human reason it should have worked out the way it did. This memory is the one I continually go to when something drastically pivots my plans. God has a reason, a purpose and a plan that I just can’t see yet. He will bring it to fruition. He is the Way-maker whether I get to see it play out or not. This time He allowed us to see a glimpse of His perfect orchestration. It leaves me Awestruck how He can converge multiple lives to the perfect intersection, working years of paths and decisions into a beautiful purpose.
Stone 10
Beating the Odds/ My God the Healer
There have been a few times in my adult life when a doctor has diagnosed something and blindsided me. This is the story of the first time I faced that shock as a young mom. At 3, Jeffrey had some bleeding when I was helping him with toileting. I mentioned it to his PCP just for reassurance; instead of being reassured she took it very serious. Immediately, she referred him out to the GI clinic for tests. After blood work and internal scopes, we found out he had VEOIBD (Very Early Onset Inflammatory Bowel Disease) and “failure to thrive”. Through research (because I am a data girl) and through other families of children with this disease I learned that usually VEOIBD is aggressive and requires aggressive life-long treatment. We were told at diagnosis that Jeffrey’s disease was moderate and contained. He had not grown in over a year at the time. He had joint pain often in his legs and would get tired very quickly if we were out walking. At Halloween, for example, we would go down to the Main Street businesses and half way through the line Jeff would be limping and done walking. He entered kindergarten in size 3T clothing. He had a potbelly with bony limbs and dark circles under his eyes like he was on one of those “feed the children” commercials. He quickly learned to endure blood draws and clean-out procedures like a champ. He continued to have issues from the disease through 2nd grade. Bowel accidents at school and slow growth curve were the hardest to watch him have to deal with. His confidence was so fragile. He wore pull-ups to school just to have confidence to make it through the day and endured some teasing because he wore “diapers”. Thankfully, all staff members were on top of it and stood up for him on countless occasions making him feel safe and cared for. Even when he had very public accidents that could not be hidden he was protected and shielded from the laughter and disgusted looks. Around 4th and 5th grade we were allowed to try being off medication. He passed the trial and made it to unmedicated remission which is so unheard of for this disease. He turned 14 this year and has shot up, standing taller than me. I look at him and am reminded that God is the healer. He does not need to follow data, or standard procedures. He can heal with or without medical and scientific interventions if He chooses to. Sometimes His choice for healing is not on this side of eternity. But, healing will come from Him. While Jeff still has scares and is followed closely by the IBD clinic we have been in the clear for almost 4 years now without further interventions. We do not know the future. But we are able to trust that God is good, even if. He will have the glory.
Beating the Odds/ My God the Healer
There have been a few times in my adult life when a doctor has diagnosed something and blindsided me. This is the story of the first time I faced that shock as a young mom. At 3, Jeffrey had some bleeding when I was helping him with toileting. I mentioned it to his PCP just for reassurance; instead of being reassured she took it very serious. Immediately, she referred him out to the GI clinic for tests. After blood work and internal scopes, we found out he had VEOIBD (Very Early Onset Inflammatory Bowel Disease) and “failure to thrive”. Through research (because I am a data girl) and through other families of children with this disease I learned that usually VEOIBD is aggressive and requires aggressive life-long treatment. We were told at diagnosis that Jeffrey’s disease was moderate and contained. He had not grown in over a year at the time. He had joint pain often in his legs and would get tired very quickly if we were out walking. At Halloween, for example, we would go down to the Main Street businesses and half way through the line Jeff would be limping and done walking. He entered kindergarten in size 3T clothing. He had a potbelly with bony limbs and dark circles under his eyes like he was on one of those “feed the children” commercials. He quickly learned to endure blood draws and clean-out procedures like a champ. He continued to have issues from the disease through 2nd grade. Bowel accidents at school and slow growth curve were the hardest to watch him have to deal with. His confidence was so fragile. He wore pull-ups to school just to have confidence to make it through the day and endured some teasing because he wore “diapers”. Thankfully, all staff members were on top of it and stood up for him on countless occasions making him feel safe and cared for. Even when he had very public accidents that could not be hidden he was protected and shielded from the laughter and disgusted looks. Around 4th and 5th grade we were allowed to try being off medication. He passed the trial and made it to unmedicated remission which is so unheard of for this disease. He turned 14 this year and has shot up, standing taller than me. I look at him and am reminded that God is the healer. He does not need to follow data, or standard procedures. He can heal with or without medical and scientific interventions if He chooses to. Sometimes His choice for healing is not on this side of eternity. But, healing will come from Him. While Jeff still has scares and is followed closely by the IBD clinic we have been in the clear for almost 4 years now without further interventions. We do not know the future. But we are able to trust that God is good, even if. He will have the glory.
Stone 11
A Simple “I love you”/ My God the Miracle Worker
This one I have rewritten so many times to try to make it more concise. So much has happened in this little boy’s life that I just see him as covered in the fingerprints of God’s handiwork when I look at him.
When pregnant with Aaron I had to see a specialist throughout the pregnancy. A soft marker was seen that could indicate Downs, Cystic fibrosis, or increased chance of fetal death. Genetic testing was done and we were given the “while not 100% I feel confident it is all clear.” If that was the end of my “worry” and anxiety over this child it would have been plenty.
My blood pressure went through the roof multiple times during the pregnancy and I often ended up having to be in the hospital hooked up to the monitors for an hour at a time to assess Aaron. They ended up having me deliver Aaron early. He struggled to figure out breathing but again God got us through that and he was able to come home. They recommended another hearing screening but I didn’t think much of it. The PCP did the screening at one of our first appointments and had a hard time with it but passed him. Fast forward, we realized Aaron was not babbling or speaking much and that he slept through so much noise (which as a baby in a family of 8 was REALLY nice but caught our attention). His PCP said he had a global delay at 18 months. I asked for a hearing recheck. He failed. Our long journey to diagnosis began.
At his hearing test at the children’s hospital his eardrums were functioning but he had minimal to moderate loss of hearing in his left ear. This was seen at 2 screenings. They told me tubes would not be the answer and scheduled him for an in-depth test to configure hearing aides.
Meanwhile we got his speech evaluation done. The language pathologist was very thorough. I kept telling her how I thought it was all do to his hearing issue. She diagnosed him with receptive/expressive language disorder. She also was a little too excited to tell me she thought he was a Gestalt Language Learner. She had just had a seminar on it and was thrilled to have seen Aaron so soon after that. She mentioned that she would refer us for an Autism screening since she could not diagnose that. I felt like the floor was pulled out from under me. Autism is beautiful and wonderful in so many ways. I love watching how Curtis’ mind works differently and the things he comes up with. But the speech disorder was a whole other mountain. She could not tell me if he would ever be able to verbally speak. She very confidently was able to tell me that she did not think “fixing” his hearing would fix his speech. This is what devastated me most. I had so tightly clung to that “hope”.
At the in-depth hearing screening for the hearing aides Aaron was just getting over a cold. His eardrum was not functioning in his left ear. We had to reschedule. At the next appointment his eardrum was still not working properly so they advised tubes to get it functioning and then a retest. After his tubes were placed he passed his hearing test! It was a definite “BUT God” moment.
We got in for the Autism screening where he was diagnosed with Autism level 2 and it was verified that he was a Gestalt Language learner. I dove head first into what that looked like and how to work with him. I learned A LOT!
We bagan therapy in our home shortly after his language evaluation. We were discussing AAC devices and began working on his use of a tablet. They asked me what I hoped to happen through the therapy. I selfishly said that I hoped he could say “mama” and “I love you”. It was superficial I know, but that is what I said. Through learning his diagnosis and his hearing being restored we have all been able to work with Aaron in ways that click with him. His verbal vocabulary is now huge, he just employs it differently than a typical child. Knowing he uses music to connect to speech phrases we began basically singing “I love you” to him the same way every time we said it to him. He began mimicking it back and now can use it on his own spontaneously.
While God did not grant a miracle in total “healing”, He granted several small miracles to bring us where we are today. So many new phrases pop up in Aaron’s vocabulary and he learns to adapt them to his needs and wants. He cannot speak like a typical child but he speaks A LOT in his own way. The wisdom and creativity granted to those of us caring and working with him has been a gift of God. Ideas on methods to try and direction to research and information has been from God. Even just the joy and peace after diagnosis has been a gift. Aaron is marvelously and wonderfully made. He is a walking miracle that I look at and can’t help but say “Because of God”. Even my selfish desire to hear him call me “mama” and say “I love you” was granted. I hear “MOMMY” ALL DAY LONG! I love it.
A Simple “I love you”/ My God the Miracle Worker
This one I have rewritten so many times to try to make it more concise. So much has happened in this little boy’s life that I just see him as covered in the fingerprints of God’s handiwork when I look at him.
When pregnant with Aaron I had to see a specialist throughout the pregnancy. A soft marker was seen that could indicate Downs, Cystic fibrosis, or increased chance of fetal death. Genetic testing was done and we were given the “while not 100% I feel confident it is all clear.” If that was the end of my “worry” and anxiety over this child it would have been plenty.
My blood pressure went through the roof multiple times during the pregnancy and I often ended up having to be in the hospital hooked up to the monitors for an hour at a time to assess Aaron. They ended up having me deliver Aaron early. He struggled to figure out breathing but again God got us through that and he was able to come home. They recommended another hearing screening but I didn’t think much of it. The PCP did the screening at one of our first appointments and had a hard time with it but passed him. Fast forward, we realized Aaron was not babbling or speaking much and that he slept through so much noise (which as a baby in a family of 8 was REALLY nice but caught our attention). His PCP said he had a global delay at 18 months. I asked for a hearing recheck. He failed. Our long journey to diagnosis began.
At his hearing test at the children’s hospital his eardrums were functioning but he had minimal to moderate loss of hearing in his left ear. This was seen at 2 screenings. They told me tubes would not be the answer and scheduled him for an in-depth test to configure hearing aides.
Meanwhile we got his speech evaluation done. The language pathologist was very thorough. I kept telling her how I thought it was all do to his hearing issue. She diagnosed him with receptive/expressive language disorder. She also was a little too excited to tell me she thought he was a Gestalt Language Learner. She had just had a seminar on it and was thrilled to have seen Aaron so soon after that. She mentioned that she would refer us for an Autism screening since she could not diagnose that. I felt like the floor was pulled out from under me. Autism is beautiful and wonderful in so many ways. I love watching how Curtis’ mind works differently and the things he comes up with. But the speech disorder was a whole other mountain. She could not tell me if he would ever be able to verbally speak. She very confidently was able to tell me that she did not think “fixing” his hearing would fix his speech. This is what devastated me most. I had so tightly clung to that “hope”.
At the in-depth hearing screening for the hearing aides Aaron was just getting over a cold. His eardrum was not functioning in his left ear. We had to reschedule. At the next appointment his eardrum was still not working properly so they advised tubes to get it functioning and then a retest. After his tubes were placed he passed his hearing test! It was a definite “BUT God” moment.
We got in for the Autism screening where he was diagnosed with Autism level 2 and it was verified that he was a Gestalt Language learner. I dove head first into what that looked like and how to work with him. I learned A LOT!
We bagan therapy in our home shortly after his language evaluation. We were discussing AAC devices and began working on his use of a tablet. They asked me what I hoped to happen through the therapy. I selfishly said that I hoped he could say “mama” and “I love you”. It was superficial I know, but that is what I said. Through learning his diagnosis and his hearing being restored we have all been able to work with Aaron in ways that click with him. His verbal vocabulary is now huge, he just employs it differently than a typical child. Knowing he uses music to connect to speech phrases we began basically singing “I love you” to him the same way every time we said it to him. He began mimicking it back and now can use it on his own spontaneously.
While God did not grant a miracle in total “healing”, He granted several small miracles to bring us where we are today. So many new phrases pop up in Aaron’s vocabulary and he learns to adapt them to his needs and wants. He cannot speak like a typical child but he speaks A LOT in his own way. The wisdom and creativity granted to those of us caring and working with him has been a gift of God. Ideas on methods to try and direction to research and information has been from God. Even just the joy and peace after diagnosis has been a gift. Aaron is marvelously and wonderfully made. He is a walking miracle that I look at and can’t help but say “Because of God”. Even my selfish desire to hear him call me “mama” and say “I love you” was granted. I hear “MOMMY” ALL DAY LONG! I love it.
Stone 12
We Choose Love/ My God the Faithful One
This one is my last one. The twelfth stone of remembrance. Shane and I were married in 2008. We had Curtis almost exactly a year later. We went through a lot of ups and downs. I want to share some of this to remind people that love is a choice, marriage is work, and faithfulness should be celebrated and cherished. There have been some valleys that I don’t know if we would have walked out of together if it had not been for God’s grace. Through every one of them I have felt our marriage grew stronger. We chose to stay and honor our commitment for better or worse. Shane has loved me and cherished me at some of my lowest points. I have walked beside him in some of his darkest moments.
Bitterness is a twisted vine with deep roots. Our move to Ohio embedded a seed of bitterness in my soul against my husband. I know there were several times I did not encourage him like I should have; I did not support him. There were countless times that I chose to be angry at him even when I knew the situation was out of his control. I was lonely and felt like I was trapped in a cage. Being unable to work outside the home because “Pastor said” had me stuck. I felt useless and like I had lost all worth. I took my displeasure out on Shane. I had surrendered to the ministry of the youth group. I loved so much of that stretching of myself. However, the bitterness towards Shane was still planted, and just when we were in stride with ministry, he was fired. While I knew it was nothing he had done, there was always that lingering bitterness and anger I allowed to have a place in my heart against him, and it grew. This lasted even after we moved home. The turning point that finally broke that wall was my car accident when I could have died. I had not told Shane I loved him before I left that morning. That was the one thought that went through my head as I hung upside down in the car, bleeding from who knows where. I began to tear down the wall I had been building in my marriage. The lingering effects were felt for a long while after, ripples of my choices and the pain and consequences they caused.
Depression is a difficult thing to deal with, especially as a ministry worker. God is joy and peace, and ministry is supposed to be fulfilling. People forget Satan is cunning, and flesh is still flesh. Between 2019 and 2021, I almost lost the man I love. He disappeared for a while. I was left with a shell. He found no joy in anything. He stopped going to church. I would leave the house with the kids some days and wonder if I was going to find him alive when I got back. I had walked in that path before and knew how my thoughts had swirled. I would tell him, “Please don’t do anything stupid,” as I would kiss him on the forehead as we headed out the door. That was how dark I felt it was. I stayed by him, I prayed for him, I loved him (some days more than others). I remembered how faithful and patient he had been to me in my darkest and most selfish time, and I wasn’t going to turn my back on him when he needed us most. Still, I longed for the man I had fallen in love with. I prayed God would bring him back to me. God heard my cries and allowed Shane to come back to me. I began seeing glimpses of light again of the Shane I loved.
Today, our marriage is stronger. We communicate better than we have in years. Even in this very hard last year and a half, we have been united on so many levels; deeper than we would have in the past. We both know our weaknesses and our strengths and try to encourage one another in all things. From reminding me to take my anxiety medication when I start to get flustered to my encouraging him to take a break when he feels overwhelmed. When I hear Shane belting out praise music as he is working down in his office, I smile to myself and remember God’s faithfulness. We have seen valleys, we have seen mountaintops. We have stood in awe of God’s goodness in the midst of some thick darkness. We have both been surrounded by the enemy and wondered where God was and when He was going to show up. But we can look back and know He was right beside us the whole time. He hears us, He loves us, He makes ways through the deep waters, He is able to do above all we ask and think. If we are going to be a part of it and see it, we have to take the steps He calls us to. We have to be faithful in what He has presented us with.
We Choose Love/ My God the Faithful One
This one is my last one. The twelfth stone of remembrance. Shane and I were married in 2008. We had Curtis almost exactly a year later. We went through a lot of ups and downs. I want to share some of this to remind people that love is a choice, marriage is work, and faithfulness should be celebrated and cherished. There have been some valleys that I don’t know if we would have walked out of together if it had not been for God’s grace. Through every one of them I have felt our marriage grew stronger. We chose to stay and honor our commitment for better or worse. Shane has loved me and cherished me at some of my lowest points. I have walked beside him in some of his darkest moments.
Bitterness is a twisted vine with deep roots. Our move to Ohio embedded a seed of bitterness in my soul against my husband. I know there were several times I did not encourage him like I should have; I did not support him. There were countless times that I chose to be angry at him even when I knew the situation was out of his control. I was lonely and felt like I was trapped in a cage. Being unable to work outside the home because “Pastor said” had me stuck. I felt useless and like I had lost all worth. I took my displeasure out on Shane. I had surrendered to the ministry of the youth group. I loved so much of that stretching of myself. However, the bitterness towards Shane was still planted, and just when we were in stride with ministry, he was fired. While I knew it was nothing he had done, there was always that lingering bitterness and anger I allowed to have a place in my heart against him, and it grew. This lasted even after we moved home. The turning point that finally broke that wall was my car accident when I could have died. I had not told Shane I loved him before I left that morning. That was the one thought that went through my head as I hung upside down in the car, bleeding from who knows where. I began to tear down the wall I had been building in my marriage. The lingering effects were felt for a long while after, ripples of my choices and the pain and consequences they caused.
Depression is a difficult thing to deal with, especially as a ministry worker. God is joy and peace, and ministry is supposed to be fulfilling. People forget Satan is cunning, and flesh is still flesh. Between 2019 and 2021, I almost lost the man I love. He disappeared for a while. I was left with a shell. He found no joy in anything. He stopped going to church. I would leave the house with the kids some days and wonder if I was going to find him alive when I got back. I had walked in that path before and knew how my thoughts had swirled. I would tell him, “Please don’t do anything stupid,” as I would kiss him on the forehead as we headed out the door. That was how dark I felt it was. I stayed by him, I prayed for him, I loved him (some days more than others). I remembered how faithful and patient he had been to me in my darkest and most selfish time, and I wasn’t going to turn my back on him when he needed us most. Still, I longed for the man I had fallen in love with. I prayed God would bring him back to me. God heard my cries and allowed Shane to come back to me. I began seeing glimpses of light again of the Shane I loved.
Today, our marriage is stronger. We communicate better than we have in years. Even in this very hard last year and a half, we have been united on so many levels; deeper than we would have in the past. We both know our weaknesses and our strengths and try to encourage one another in all things. From reminding me to take my anxiety medication when I start to get flustered to my encouraging him to take a break when he feels overwhelmed. When I hear Shane belting out praise music as he is working down in his office, I smile to myself and remember God’s faithfulness. We have seen valleys, we have seen mountaintops. We have stood in awe of God’s goodness in the midst of some thick darkness. We have both been surrounded by the enemy and wondered where God was and when He was going to show up. But we can look back and know He was right beside us the whole time. He hears us, He loves us, He makes ways through the deep waters, He is able to do above all we ask and think. If we are going to be a part of it and see it, we have to take the steps He calls us to. We have to be faithful in what He has presented us with.
