One mythical creature I have been "fascinated by" (for lack of a better phrase) is the phoenix. A bird who grows ugly and frail only to explode in flames and become a heap of ashes. Soon a new and beautiful bird emerges from the ashes, young and full of life.
It is about new beginnings, Old things disappear. New life.
A week before this Christmas things were going along just as they had been. We were still living with my sweet in-laws. It was getting trying at times, just from cramped space and no privacy. After 6 months it was starting to get to us all in some way. Thankfully we had Jesus on our side and it was probably one of the only things that kept us all speaking and working through differences and loving on one another. I was still working full time, Shane was working opposite shift so that we didn't need to pay for childcare, but our relationship was needing some cultivating. I would see him a few moments when I got home. Usually long enough to ask how the kids were and give a kiss goodbye. I was irritated at him for a few things, mostly I just wanted a home and to get moving in what I thought was the "right" direction. I felt upset about some things and felt that in a way this was "all his fault". I had recognized my mistake and the bitterness I was unfairly harboring against him without having talked it through with him. I had also acknowledged it as sin and confessed it not too long before this. There were still no real strong prospects were available for a home and we were just looking to get through the Holidays and tackle it full on after that. And as far as our relationship I was going to "try" to remember "this too shall pass" and work on my end and do what I could to work on my feelings and capturing each thought and filtering it through the Scripture. I had met with one pastor's wife to just discuss my role in marriage and what I should be doing and how to focus on love being "work" sometimes and that still being okay.
On my way to work (around 4 in the morning) December 18th I hit ice and rolled my vehicle a few (to several) times in the ditch. That morning I had not kissed Shane goodbye. I had not been in a good mood. All I could get out of my mouth as spun into the ditch and was rolling was to cry out "Please God! Please God!" over and over and over again. Even when the car came to a rest the words were still being whispered on my lips with every breath I said it OVER and OVER and OVER. I am not sure what I was praying. "Please God, not like this!", "Please God, I am not ready.", "Please God, don't take me from my babies.", "Please God, I want to do more with my life!" I thought I had more to do. I have plans I have not even pursued! "Please God..." that is all I could say. That is all that would come out. OVER and OVER and OVER... "Please". My purse had been slung on the passengers seat. All I could do was think "Get my phone..." Four in the morning on a country road... not many people would be passing by. I realized my phone was in my pocket of my coat (thank you Lord) instead of in my purse or laying on the seat. But my seat belt was restricting me from reaching it so I unfastened it. That is when I realized I had landed upside down and had been hanging. Don't know protocol in an accident but I figured I had better call for help. Used my emergency dialing on my phone's lock screen and called Shane. I didn't know if I was loosing blood or if I would loose consciousness so I wanted someone to know I was out there quickly. He said he loved me. I said I loved him and we both called 911. I didn't loose consciousness though I know I talked WAY TOO much trying to keep myself awake. I felt so tired. Later found out I had lost quite a bit of blood from a gash behind my ear. Walking away from that crash changed perspective for me. Petty things don't really matter! I have a family who loves me. Generous family and friends who surround me. Coworkers who I didn't know really cared, REALLY cared!
The next week was Christmas. We were showered with love for our boys. They had a marvelous day. I had the week off recuperating.
Since Christmas we have had a lot going on. J (my 3-year-old) had a scope done to explore some GI issues he had been having. Tests came back indicating a chronic condition but the doctors still have not been able to agree on a diagnosis. Lab work was performed and it was negative for markers of the condition so we are still awaiting diagnosis, meanwhile we have begun treatment just in case.
Throughout all of that we also found a home to rent and have moved in and gotten settled as much as possible. Gifts have been showered down on us from generous people who may not even KNOW what sort of impact they have had on us. We moved here with an SUV full of stuff and have bought a few things here and there but had decided to just buy a little at a time sticking to necessities rather than all the desires of our hearts. The boys sleep on an air mattress in their OWN room. Which is a step up from the floor (which they had been sleeping on in the room they shared with us). We now have a couch and recliner and lamps. Microwave, coffee pot (essential in this house). The fridge and oven came with the house but we will need to find our own fridge soon as the landlord requested to move it out when we can allow him to. We also just received a gift of a brand new washer and dryer! Which was a beautiful surprise we got just yesterday from a wonderful man in our small town. I don't even know what to say to some of these people who have just given and given and given. All I know to say is THANK YOU!
We received checks and gift cards to share a meal with the boys at some of their favorite places. Even little things were so monumental to me.
When the year was ending I had no idea where this new year would lead. We had J's scope on the 31st and if I had known that may be the last of the horrid year and the start of a brand new BEAUTIFUL beginning... I just didn't know what to think.
My chosen word for the new year was "Peace". I was determined that I needed to work on clinging to and commanding God's peace in my life. The rocky and eventful 2014 was awful. I was stretched in so many ways. I need to demand peace to rule in my relationships with my children and with my husband. When the issues start rising and the stress begins to bubble "peace be still" will need to be the words on my lips, the song sung to my heart and the meditation of my mind. When work seems like I am drowning and flailing helplessly in a loosing battle "peace" needs to be where I take my mind and heart. This year in NO WAY should be easy. I do not know what tomorrow holds. But I know my God of tomorrow holds HIS PERFECT PEACE out to me EVERY DAY. And it does not align with any human understanding. It makes NO SENSE. BUT as a child of God I have the RIGHT and PRIVILEGE to grab onto the gift of PEACE and carry it with me ALWAYS.
So this is our NEW beginning. This is our start. Where do we go from here? I don't know. Am I going to forget the past year, no. Will I skip over it like it was a "hiccup" or "mistake" or the "unspoken time". No. It happened for a reason. It happened and we have DEEP scars and even a few SEEPING wounds still. We SURVIVED one of my BIGGEST fears. We spent night cold with no heat, and hungry with no food, and we spent 6 months homeless! And we are still a family. God protected us.
God brought me through my nightmare of having to explain things away to my boys in fun and exciting twist:
We will came in the living room with candles tonight in our tent because it will be fun. (when the electric was turned off for a night but we had it on the next day thanks to generous people who had no idea what we needed at the time they wrote the check)
Mommy is going to heat up water on the stove for your bath tonight. We will pretend it is like old days. Then we will bundle up and watch a movie together in Mommy's bed! (gas was off over a weekend in the winter, a man brought over 3 electric heaters for us to use until we could afford to get it turned on again!)
Lets play outside with the new cars! (Electric was off again. One of the boy's old teachers and babysitters had brought over some ride on toys for the boys. IT was a much needed distraction on several evenings of no electricity...)
We get to go live with Momo and PopPop! (met with EXCITED squeals even when we were in the midst of sorting through their MOUNTAINS of toys and stuffed animals!)
The man is going to make something new out of your bed C! Won't that be so nice! And you can get a new bed when we get our new house. And yes we will get a new coffee table and TV and... (etc...) (When we sold his bed to a sweet elderly man who was going to re-purpose it to make a bench for his store. Loved the idea of something old being remade at the time. C and J was so upset to see their beds go and it was only through promising them new bed in a new house that they cheered up.)
As a mom my idea was to protect my sweet boys from the devastating truth that was loss. We did everything we could to keep them from the truth that it wasn't the same anymore. We kept C in preschool though I question that decision since we could not afford the bill. But it was the normal for him and I couldn't bare to change that on him.
My nightmare was to loose our home. To be homeless. Each day that passed it looked more and more likely. We were not finding work and the fear grew and grew and grew. I could only think of being homeless and loosing my babies (even for a short period). I know now that our family loves us WAY too much to allow that to happen. I should have NEVER feared that and should have known they would come together whatever way they could to get us somewhere safe and secure. Through generous family, and friends we were able to get money together to move back "home". My in-laws are INCREDIBLE people for allowing us the gift of living in their small house. I don't know if they imagined it would be as long as it was at the time they offered nor do I imagine any of us could have pictured how stressful it was at times.
That all was the fire explosion that destroyed my weary soul... and it sits as a pile of ashes at my feet as this new beginning emerges.
My prayer is that I can do better this time around than I did the last. That as a family and couple we will do better. I want to do greater things. I want to reach a higher place. I don't want to settle. I don't want to back down. I don't want to be COMFORTABLE! I don't want to be UNMOVED!
So we aren't forgetting, we aren't dismissing! We are staring at the rubble and LEARNING!
Learning what not to do. Learning to pursue. Learning to give up some things in light of FAR better. Sometimes that means saying "No." to an offered position because it doesn't fit us as a family. We won't go into full time ministry blind again. I won't trust the words a pastor says just because in my family the pastors I know are men of their word... I have learned there is more. Serving in our local church and going on from there. Maybe we won't ever leave home in search of that "Position" maybe the Position is just being home. So until God says "its time to move your home." I will serve where I am planted. When it is time to move on faith and step out in trust once more. IT cannot be in trust of another person (even if that person is a pastor). It must be trust in GOD ALONE! God brought us to our knees and we could only look up. I want to keep ONLY looking up for my security and stability. I pray we have learned our lesson.
So here is my beginning. It is exciting, full of energy and life!
