A Journey to Healing: from numbing shock to accepting my need for help

You know the stories of people who are in horrific accidents; the ones where the person just gets out of the car and starts wandering around the scene staring at seemingly nothing while thier wounds just bleed out. They don't have a clue they are even hurt nor about what is even happening around them. Or there is the person who is so focused on lending aid and rescuing others they do not even know that they themselves are severly wounded and in need of help. Adrenaline is pumping and keeping pain at bay whilst keeping energy and other senses hieghtened and functioning. That is what I mean by shock.

Since I have last posted we have found ourselves (through numerous generous people and only by God's grace) back "home" in Missouri. We left behind so very much that I had held onto over the years. Some things were so difficult to let go of. I had a crib that each of my sweet boys had slept in, the nice double stroller I took on cpuntless walks with my sweeties, the cup from the hospital I delievered my first and second child at (not to mention worked one of the best jobs of my life so far at). I know the cup seems like such a petit thing but it is just one of those things that was a memorial I held onto. I left many of my things but the hardest part was leaving the boys' things. The mountain of toys and clothing they had to leave behind was mind numbing to me. They were such troopers and didn't complain. Part of me believes they didn't understand as C still asks from time to time about something left behind and he just sighs and says it was left at the "old house" and maybe we could buy a new one sometime. J really hasn't seemed to miss stuff except for his blanket I mistakenly put in a bag we left with my sister and will have to retrieve once we are able to.

My heart felt so burdened by what we were having to leave. Thankfully the pangs are few and far between now that I am away from it all and know it cannot be undone. I have a couple moments of "wish I had kept that..." but then I remember what I got away with in our little SUV and the generosity that got us here and I have to just be thankful and in awe.

My in-laws have bent over backwards for us by allowing us to share their small home. They feed us and provide shelter and love and a sense of stability. I found work quickly upon moving back and my husband shortly after. We are saving and searching for a place that will rent to us inspite of our recent rental record. I keep thinking if these landlords understood the circumstances they would be more forgiving, but so far it hasn't proved very successful. I keep reminding myself that God has this undercontrol. I will not remain homeless and we will get back on our feet and one day we will be ready to get back into full-time ministry if God wants us there.

So far I am learning that I have been wounded even though I did not realize it at first. I am deeply hurt. I believe I was in such shock at first. I kept dealing with my husband's wounds; trying to lick them and see to his mending. I attempted to keep everything together by uplifting my boys and allowing "normalcy".

However, when your attempt at normal becomes you carring pots of boiled water upstairs to the bath tub countless times one night just to allow your little boys a "normal" bath at night after they have turned your hot water off and eating by candle light in the evening praying that the cold front doesn't move in like they say because the heat won't work, you probably need to re-evaluate your level of hurt. But I didnt allow myself to think about my pain. I had too much to focus on. I kept sending C to preschool pretending that was going to help him feel less of the stress, pretending it was helping him feel safe and normal.

It was not often I allowed anyone to get me to speak about my pain in it all. The pastor at our church in Akron had mentioned how my pain is worse than my husbands and I couldnt wrap my head around that. It was not until I was standing before the congregation here at home, presenting our family for membership, and I heard pastor say that we had been wounded and had come home and needed loved on that I allowed myself to realize my pain.

I am so thankful to be "home". I had people show such kindness to me in Ohio as well and I am in such immense awe and joy from their gifts and hugs but here is family. Something about needing to be wrapped in that warmth and security that touches a person's core.

I am still struggling through this process. I am not quite at home here as of yet. I do know I am loved here but I did not grow up in this church nor do I know many of the people in it very well, but knowing it is my husband's home and being around his family (even with them being different from mine) I feel a stability that can't just disappear in a horrible day on what feels like a whim.

Do I want to go back to full-time ministry? One day I would LOVE to, but time is needed. I dont know if I would feel secure yet. I don't know that I could give it my all. Hopefully that fear will ease quickly, hopefully I can remember my leading is from God and my stability is found in Him. He is the one who allows the changes to come and I need to rebuild my trust in His perfect plan and timing.

I am getting there. But until then, you can find me by the river in the desert being fed by ravens. Soon God will command me to go...right now I have to rebuild my strength.

Letting Go. (Now don't go singing the song...)

It is hard at times to let go of what makes us feel safe and comfortable. I learned this lesson (I thought) awhile back when I had to let go of my job and become a stay at home mom when I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do. I had to let go of the 3-year-old class I had taught at church for so many years (I began helping in that class in 2005 when I began at Baptist Bible College and took over the class in 2007 after returning from a semester in Ecuador).Shortly after that I had to let go of my church and church family that I had grown to love and feel so secure in. I let go of the city I had lived in for years as God directed Shane to a position in a small town across the country. I thought I had done my fair share of "Letting go..."
I apparently had more lessons to learn about letting go. Throughout all of those transitions I never felt like my floor was falling out from under me. I felt shaky and slightly nervous but never felt like I was going to have to be homeless or destitute. I didn't honestly fear that we would be on the streets with just one wrong step.
Now I can say I have felt a small pang of that fear and I have learned that God truly does supply when we need it and exactly what we need.
My husband was let go in the beginning of February. He had received a raise in December and assurances that his loosing his job was not even on the table since he had felt a disconnect from his employer for a few months. The immediate dismissal from his position with no unemployment to collect as well as two growing boys and a new 2 month old baby in a town where we had no family in the area to lean on and no back-up income since I was a stay at home mom was a floor falling out from under me. Man, my sense of security was crushed. Thankfully, God was there. God allowed it. God knew. And God was in TOTAL control. I spent about a week in total shock. I went through motions but didn't want to get out of bed. I had a new baby and kids to keep in line and no time for depression and gloom clouds. But still I found myself not able to think clearly. I couldn't understand what had happened. Thankfully God sent kind people to our door giving me hugs when I needed them and phone calls from people I needed to hear from telling me what I knew but so needed to hear "God has this," "God won't let you out of His hands," "Keep your eyes on Him."
There have been days where the gracious landlord was knocking on our door and we didn't know what to tell him. We have had heat turned off. Shane sold his computer and some things. He got rid of our dryer. We had already given up cable and phones followed as bills couldn't be paid to keep up with things. So many THINGS! Rent was paid through gifts and utilities turned back on right when we needed them to be. (a couple cold baths never hurt anyone!) I felt we were so close to being told to leave our home that we could taste it.
We knew things couldn't continue like they were. My husband had applied at so many places and had interviews and interviews and nothing came up until a part time job was offered to him and he took it even though pay wouldn't be nearly enough and the drive was out of the way. The first week we didn't know how he would have gas to get there every day and a man came and filled up his gas tank! We were by no means meeting ends BUT we were surviving.
Now we are no where near the clear. But we have candidated for a position at a church and we are still looking at the silver lining that God has in store. Either way a move is in order since our lease is up and we have no reason to stay put. Upon returning home this week we will be packing up our stuff and selling whatever we can and making a leap of faith and moving. If the job is offered to us we will move that direction with what we have left. If it is not we will be moving "home" to the town where my husband's family is so that we can begin building back up what we can. I can start working there since my license is still active in that state and hopefully my husband will find work easier around this area where there will be more options closer to us.
The journey will continue. The amble doesn't end. We are not through with what God has for us, nor are we going to give up on the ministry. God has called us to serve NO MATTER what circumstance we are in or what we happen to be doing for a living. We can still be part of the "Ministry". And until a full-time position opens up and calls us we will wait and serve in our local church as best as we can and continue to grow and learn and stretch.
Let us run our race.

Gaining Perspective

Sunday the message was on Perspective.
I remembered this story early this morning and it really got me thinking.

When I was younger I went with some girls from my class on a trip to celebrate a couple birthdays. We had a great sleepover in a little house near some hot springs. The trip was winding up and we headed outside to enjoy some fresh (extremely misty) air in the cool morning. Once outside we thought we might as well go for a hike in the woods near the house and explore. One girl said there was a neat bridge she knew how to get to. Someone else said it was a different direction. We broke up into two groups and just explored. We didn't know the area that well but couldn't think of anything bad that would happen. (Yes, we were young.) Well, I was following (as usual) and having a great time just being part of the group and hearing the sound of a river and seeing all the nature around us. It was very calming. We walk and climbed a little. We could hear the other group near us as voices carried very well. The mist was there and we felt the moisture as we breathed in but our vision was clear enough to keep walking and not be afraid, at least by our perspective.

I remember the ground had a little give but in my mind I thought it was just because of the moisture and it being muddy. The "grass" was less grass like but I didn't place it at first. There were places with longer grass than others and the tree roots were thick under our feet. We were traipsing along with sure footing.
UNTIL... we came to a place where the mist was clearer and we realized there were holes all around us, opening up like windows in the floor under our feet. Literally we could look down through a "hole" and see air, tree branches, and the ground far below us. We were literally walking on AIR about 10  feet off the ground! The trees had grown so thick in this area that the branches were all entangled. Moss covered the bramble and grass had even begun to grow. When this realization struck us I was suddenly full of fear. My steps became timid and tested. I felt like one of us would fall through at any moment. My perspective was instantly changed. Of course that is the moment we heard my friends mom yelling for us to come back to the house. I stood there clinging to the tree nearest me while my friends were trying to figure out which way would be best to get down. We could climb down the tree we were currently in, or we could try to walk back the way we had came and "hope" we didn't forget and end up on less sturdy footing. Now if I stood there frozen in fear I would have never gone ANYWHERE. I had to overcome fear of falling and fear of making a mistake. I had to overcome the shock to move on. If my memory serves me correctly I think we headed back the way we had come and found an area with an easier climbing tree to actually climb down from. All I remember is Mrs. R calling for us all to get back to the house so we could go home!

This story could be applied a couple ways. The way that applies most to me is that sometimes we feel so secure and safe in our path. We have our plans laid out and we KNOW we are going to be okay. We have financial security in a job that seems like it isn't going to come out from under us. We have our home and our health. We see a "ten-year-plan" and feel like it is all going to be okay. And then the boss calls us in and says due to the economy he has to let us go, or because "growth" doesn't seem to be happening, or because of ___________ (fill in the blank) we just can't keep going in the direction we thought we were. Or our health or the health of someone we love is suddenly and drastically deteriorating before our eyes. Our ten-year-plan just got shot down to 6 months to 2-years if we are lucky and prayers that an invasive and/or expensive procedure MAY extend that time. I can only imagine that perspective changes in those moments.
What is interesting to me is that our plans are based on OUR perspective. We feel we know what to do. We pray about it and even "wait" on the Lord, but in the end we still make the plans. God doesn't let us see the big picture plan. He reveals each piece to us, one at a time. We can walk along in our plans with our eyes focused on the future and goals, but God might have a window open up in our floor to show us that he has a totally different direction in mind for us! Maybe there is a safer, stronger and more solid path running underneath us that is SO much better. Maybe it leads in the same general direction we are headed just a different way of getting there. Maybe it will take us a TOTALLY different place where an even better ending will be had.

I am not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with making and setting life goals. Goals keep us moving forward. They keep us trying and striving to do better and accomplish something in this short existence that we call life. But we have to remember that our goals are just that: OUR goals. God has a very different perspective. We have to trust Him and His timing to be the ultimate perfection for our lives. So when the floor opens up under us and we are feeling unsteady and shaky (or if we just plain fall through the ground!) remember and KNOW that God is never mistaken and He is the ULTIMATE of wisdom!

Make our plans and set our goals leaning and trusting on the Lord, BUT do not hesitate to turn around, or shift our ground in order to follow the path He lays before us. Sometimes there is so much better out there for us than OUR goals could ever accomplish. Sometimes there is a much deeper perspective to look at then the one direction we are facing in the misty blindness that surrounds us.

"mommy" to boys

Being a mom to boys has been interesting since the beginning. I was so excited to have my first little boy growing in my belly. To feel him hiccup and know that he would be my little man. To know that he would grow up to be a protector and sweet spirited lover. I dreamed of him being my little cuddle bug, my sensitive man who would be courteous and kind and compassionate and strong. At least that is how I pictured him.

Never did I think I would end up with three boys in the years that followed. Each time the ultrasound would reveal another bouncing boy growing inside me I would smile and think it was a good thing I loved being around boys. I couldn't imagine having one of my boys be a girl instead. They are each so perfectly mine and I enjoy being mommy and recipient of all of that affection from sweet little boys makes my heart burst. It is amazing.

I will tell you there are many things I have learned as a mom to boys. I know there are so many more things to learn as well. I am praying I get all the years to learn all the lessons I have to learn and that my boys will make it despite my skills (or lack there of) to be a mom to boys!

1. You can NEVER own too many cars and balls. My 2-year-old's favorite thing to get at the store is a new ball. It can be a BIG giant ball, or just a small bouncing ball. It could even be a gumball and he will be thrilled! And don't even get me started on cars. We have toy cars out our ears and we still manage to come up with a reason to get a new one every now and then.

2. Sound effects...for my family it was pretty much sound effects before actual words and sentences. My boys made the sounds of animals and cars and yes, even bodily functions... before they actually spoke coherent sentences. Potty training my toddler was slightly amusing.

3. Don't use the phrase "Let me kiss it and make it better..." there are just some things your little man may call a boo-boo that you just don't want to kiss. My 4-year-old hit his little boy parts on the coffee table one day and asked me to kiss it. Nope, not happening. My 2-year-old got a bad diaper rash when he was sick. Yeah... I passed. Green boogie face (I did kiss it but ONLY after taking a wet rag and washing the little sticky mouth).

4. They find the strangest things HILARIOUS! My 2-year-old will sit and crack up at his little trucks and I have NO idea why. They just looked at him funny I suppose. (I am sure girls have their moments as well).

5. The eating continually begins at an early age. My 4-year-old already has begun the ever going NEVER ceasing "I'm hungry mommy." "I want something to eat mommy." ALL day! (and yes I feed him). I am preparing myself for the grocery bills in our future.

6. It is OKAY to let your boy carry a purse around a little and to allow him to wear or like pink and purple. It will not ruin him. Hey even let him pick up a doll every once in awhile. He may have to carry a purse for his wife one day and I don't want to have raised a boy who says "NO WAY" just at the sight of a purse in his hand.

My boys have begun having conversations with each other and it is the cutest thing to hear communication between them about the random things they are thinking and imagining. One of them will run with an imaginative story line and the other one will go right along with it as though he actually knows what the other one is talking about! And I can sit there and usually have NO clue what they are talking about but they seem to understand each other perfectly.

Also I know this goes for any children but just because you have the same gender doesn't mean they will be the same. My boys personalities are so different. I am having to learn how to do things differently with my 2-year-old because what worked for my 4-year-old isn't working the same way for him. They have different fears, different likes and interests and different ways of handling pressures. They handle being in trouble differently and they have different temptations. They are completely different people and I like that.

God has blessed me with a third boy and I cannot wait to see what his personality will be like as he grows and develops. Right now he is only a month and a half and only has learned to smile, eat, sleep, cry and fill a diaper. Pretty much all the really important things. We will see what the future has in store. So far it looks very full of cars, balls and grocery carts filled of food.