A Place I am Coming From

Worry. Anxiety. Stress.


"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.

Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.

I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.

In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.

In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.

When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.

Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.

My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.

I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.

What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.

Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.

I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).

And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).

You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.

"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.

Christmas Blessing

My weekend has been a mess. My oldest son had an accident Friday evening. He passed out and stopped breathing. Now for any mom that is scary. I am trained in CPR and first aid... But did that click in immediately, no. I remember thinking about calling my husband first! I mean this is all in a split second. I realized my folly in that idea and dialed emergency help so it would just be a push of a button if I needed them. And I prepared to do rescue breathing. And the thought crossed my mind that I should dress him warmer cause if we had to go out he would be cold! Seriously my mind was so strange. Thankfully he came out of it without my help. I sat and held him for a few minutes and he was so shaky. I beat myself up alittle about not taking him in on the weekend. But you make decisions based on life experiences. I decided to wait til Monday to call his normal Dr. Well, we are now seeing another Dr. And probably a pediatric neurologist later.
I don't know if you can really be grateful for each breath you get until you watch someone not breathe. We aren't strangers of this. My son had apnea when he was born and went without breathing at times. We were trained in infant CPR before we could take him home with us. Thankfully I have never had to use CPR on anyone yet.
Though him breathing in that life giving air was blessing enough, we also received a wonderful blessing when we got home from the Dr. today, knowing we would have more doctors to visit in the near future for my son. We found three Christmas cards in the mail with checks inside. I know the people who sent the money never knew what we would be going though right now but God did. We were talking on the way home from the appointment about needing to stay home for Christmas instead of going to be with family. But when we saw the checks I cried. God is always faithful. Thank you to Hartwell Baptist and Pastor Trammel your check is getting us to family for Christmas. Ggma, and gpa Fred God used your checks and cards as an encouragement to us after a very hard weekend of worry and fretting about what to do.
What have I learned:
Never take a day with your kids for granted.
Never expect the next breath to just come.
Never worry about your needs not being met. God knows what you need when you need it. And he throws in a little extra every once in awhile just because he can!
My God loves and cares about me and he knows the desires of my heart.
Man, December has been full of lessons. I was only going to write once a month at most. But this was too big not to share.

Christmas Season

The Christmas Season is upon us once again.
This year my son is understanding more about the Christmas story. He is also learning what traditions we do and so it has been very exciting to see his eyes light up when we got the tree out and set up, and when we got the nativities out. I know by next year he will be ready for the traditions he plays a part in, like advent and maybe an elf will come visit.

I get so caught up in the lists of things that need to get done and in the thought of "Am I doing this right?" Being a mom now, I have a strong desire to make the holidays fun and memorable for my family. The problems arise when I start allowing worry to creep in and steal my joy.

A baby King was born in a stable because of love. The baby King was born in that stable... but He was the King of Kings. The baby was laid in the scratchy hay, not because it was what He wanted, or even what He had planned. It was because it was God's will for Him to be born in Bethlehem. It was God's will for Him to be born to Mary. It was God's will that He should be sent to the earth in the first place. It was God's will that He would send his ONLY son to the den of sinners, to be brought up among the human race. To be taught, touched and held by the people of the world. People, that to God, were not able to be looked upon. People who were covered in filth and disgusting grime. Who were drenched in the stench of their self-love and self-righteousness. These were the people he was sending his ONLY Son to! Why? Because it was God's will! Jesus was obedient and willingly went. He came into the world naked, cold, wet and weak. He was fragile, dependent upon His mother for everything.

Jesus was Mary's first child. She was a first-time mom. She was young, but in those days she had experience with children and knew what to expect. Even so, as any new mom will tell you, you never can be totally prepared. I can imagine her looking down at her baby boy just in awe of the miracle of life. I am sure she remembered that He was her Lord, but He was still a baby. Her baby.
I wonder at the scene just after His birth. Joseph there with the child that isn't his, laying it on Mary's chest. I wonder if Mary slept with Him in her arms to warm Him and to just feel Him against her. And when she finally did lay Him in the manger: I wonder what she thought, as she smoothed the hay down with one hand, before setting her King in the trough.
"Is this good enough for my King? Never in a million years. Is it good enough for my child? No. Is it the best option I have? Is it the best I can do with what I have? Yes. So it will have to be good enough." And she laid him down to sleep. I can imagine that she watched him with her adrenaline pumping through her body. She listened to him breathe in and out. It was the best she could do with what she had. I wonder if she worried or fretted over that decision. Perhaps Joseph was the worrier.

That brings me to my journey:
Right now I am a stay-at-home mom. I live and breathe my children. I try my best to stay in the Word and to study to keep my mind fresh, but my kids are my job. There are days I think about how I miss working. I think about how I am a bump on a log. I think about the fact that I am not contributing to the income of my house. At times I begin to feel useless despite the work I do at home. In my head work is work and home is home (an idea I am attempting to change for myself, but it is slow going). This story and this meditation brought me to a realization: God doesn't demand the best in the world. God demands the best in me. God doesn't demand the most worthy to do his bidding. He demands me to go and do. God doesn't demand me to go and do like so-and-so. God demands me to go and do with what I have to offer, like He would have me to do it. He asks me to do it the best that I can with the gifts He has bestowed upon me. So, no, I won't be doing anything the same as you. I won't necessarily be doing better. I will be doing it how God wants me to. I need to place my joy in that and stop worrying so much about what I am doing and how others are doing it.

God didn't demand that His Son be laid on a feather bed in an ivory crib dressed in satin and silk in a golden palace full of nurses, maids and servants, where music flowed from harps and birthday gifts piled high. He was pleased with the worn wooden stable, the crude manger, the golden hay, and torn rags. He allowed His Son to be watched over by cows, donkeys and goats, sung to by angels, adored by shepherds and graced by foreigners, years later, bringing belated birthday gifts. God has a strange idea of what is pleasing in His sight. Then again, God has a strange way of doing a lot of things!

This Christmas Season find God's sense of joy. Find it in the little things that you can do. Stop trying to out-do someone. Stop trying to out-do yourself. Just do.