Worry. Anxiety. Stress.
"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.
Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.
I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.
In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.
In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.
When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.
Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.
My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.
I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.
What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.
Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.
I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).
And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).
You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.
"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.
"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.
Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.
I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.
In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.
In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.
When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.
Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.
My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.
I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.
What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.
Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.
I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).
And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).
You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.
"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.
