This Crazy Thing Called Life

I have fallen into a routine of not having a routine. It gets me into trouble more times than not. I was working overtime hours and have all the sudden found myself a stay at home mom temporarily again out of circumstances beyond my control. Thankfully it is simply a matter of wadding through some government tape and I will (should) be back on my way.

Sometimes it seems like life should be so simple. Everything is going along (running as smoothly as can be expected) and then POW! out of no where a lineman hits you from your blind side! I think "Seriously God, You couldn't just let this alone for a little while... I was FINALLY starting to see how you were fitting us all together again since the last time this happened!"

Thankfully I have been through this sort of "weak-side tackle" before and know that the end result is usually a less-weak defense that can deflect/ defuse attacks from that angle the next time when it is the enemy who attempts the sac. God is preparing me and has shaped me to see a BIGGER picture. There is so much I could be stressed about right now. I could be scared about how bills will be paid, how rent will be met when our largest income is basically tanked for a couple weeks. All in all I have to rely on God. I have to trust him to get us through and believe that he has power and a purpose in it. I have really tried to enjoy these days with my boys. I have soaked in the fact that I have a rare pause in my overly busy schedule to just refocus and re-evaluate. I was able to attend Bible study at church with the other ladies knowing that if I had worked my hours that would probably not have happened. I focused some creativity and got some much needed hobby time in. I have also been in a deeper valley than this before and God raised us up and we tried to learn. This time it is not nearly as dark and it is not nearly as scary.

I have so so much to thank God for that is incredibly ridiculous to even think about being anxious for anything! My God has this. He has had this from the beginning of time and he will still have it throughout eternity.

Bible study this week was on being scared. We get so caught up in the fears and "what ifs" and what the author called "invisible thoughts of others"... and we can't even move. We won't go another step.

I fear a lot of things. I fear people's thoughts of me. I am so paralyzed by what people might think if I do something different or if I am socially awkward. I had an opportunity to sign up for a meal for a mom of a newborn through my church. At first I went right away to the sign-up sheet and the day I could do it was open. I clicked to start filling in the blank and it asked me what I would bring. I wrote something down, erased it...wrote something else, erased it... went back and looked at what other people were bringing. I saw they were bringing a main dish, side and dessert. I don't do dessert very often nor very well. I thought of just not doing a dessert and then thought that might not be acceptable. (SEE FEAR OF WHAT OTHERS THINK!) So instead of being a blessing by just taking what I could I allowed fear to rob me of that chance. The blank was filled in by someone else and soon all the blanks were filled.

It was brought up that I sing (have sung) in church. At first I wanted to run and hide. I am so afraid of messing up. I am so afraid of not living up to expectations of others or of myself. Thankfully I am going to try to do it again and to get back into that routine. I have to let go of fear.

I also fear failure. I have to retake an exam I took 7 years ago. I left my book in Ohio. Believe me I had kept everything! I had all my tests from the class and notes. All of it gone. So I have been online studying for hours and borrowed a book for a couple hours and stared at it. I feel scared to fail. I feel frozen. I can't just throw up my hands and say I won't go through with it. I need to just do my best pass or fail but at least I can say I tried. Doing is so much better than NOT doing. Trying is better than NOT trying.

I think of one of my boys favorite movies UP. "Adventure is out there!" If we do nothing we get nothing in return. You have to GO, DO, and TRY to enjoy the adventure that God has for you.