A Place I am Coming From

Worry. Anxiety. Stress.


"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.

Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.

I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.

In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.

In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.

When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.

Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.

My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.

I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.

What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.

Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.

I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).

And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).

You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.

"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.

prayer

So I have been thinking a pretty great deal lately about prayer.
I have always felt a strong emphasis on prayer in my life.

It is amazing to think about praying in a picture form. A Christian has an all access pass to God's throne room. Imagine this beautiful room with a throne and on it is God. But we can go into Him whenever we want to. We just say Heavenly Father, or God Almighty, or Creator, or whatever you want to say to address Him. And we are welcomed into Him. Now it is up to you how you proceed. If you feel guilt you may just stand in the door way and fall to your knees hiding your face and crawling begging Him to look on you with forgiveness. Perhaps you feel joy and leap into the room and jump onto the arm of His throne wrapping your arm around Him as a friend. Maybe you are sad and lonely and you walk up to Him and wrap your arms around his neck and allow Him to scoop you up onto His lap. Sometimes you are in awe of Him and just stand or kneel amazed in front of Him just taking in all the beauty. And the thing is that no matter where you stand, sit, or kneel there is this film that covers you (or perhaps it covers the eye's of God) that is crimson. It is only because of this film (or lens) that we can be seen and heard by God. Jesus' blood and sacrifice is that film. We can boldly come before the throne of Grace because of that sacrifice! So beautiful.

Prayer is so powerful and important. You can converse always to God and you can always count on Him to hear you, to listen, and to answer. Now I am not saying that you should loose any respect for Him in the process. A child can ask a father for anything in the world and it doesn't mean the father will give it to them. Even the most attentive and generous father will not grant a child everything he asks. Also, just because the child asks lots of questions or gets scared or confused, it does not mean that the child has forgotten who their father is or that he is their leader and guide. God is our Father. He is the Perfect Father. We can talk to Him at anytime, about anything. I think that is pretty amazing.

In my journey right now we are at a standstill. Still waiting on Him to lead the way. We have a date in March for a church in Michigan to see if that might be the door he opens for us. The other step we have taken is to visit the youth department of our church here in Missouri to watch how the youth pastor runs his department and see his style of ministry.

I have been praying a lot about my heart in this whole situation. In my life it has been my desire to work with children or ladies in a foreign field. To my dismay my husband feels that youth is his passion whether here in the United States or abroad is not a factor. My experience as a teenager and my abilities now to connect to that age range are not very good. Especially when it comes to connecting to the teenage girl in today's society. I have never been a shopper or into purses, make-up, and fashions. I don't know my music artists or my celebs. So I have prayed, hard. I have always had the belief that I would follow my husband to anything and any place. I vowed to do my very best at whatever I needed to do. I told him that youth was not my passion right now, but I was willing to do it if he believed it was his. Lately, though, God has been working on me. After my first visit with the youth group at my church here in Missouri I felt a relief. I realized that connecting was going to be an issue no matter what type of teenager I had been in my past, and no matter what type of adult I am now. Teenagers are a vast group of people with a even greater array of personalities. The problem was that I wasn't supposed to connect with them. I am supposed to connect them with Christ. That means I don't need to try to be like them. It means I need to strive to be as much like Christ as I can be and pray that I can get them to follow Him too. I just need to keep working on my life and be open and loving to them. And I already know I have a passion for that.

I suppose, in my head, I had discriminated against teen girls in a way that wasn't Godly. I had categorized them into a clump (stereotyped) and that was wrong of me. I was so worried about not living up to the ideal teen girl, when who in their right mind wants to be categorized as a teen girl when they are 26 years old!

Now all this I got from praying openly to God about my feelings and my fears. And God answered me. This is what prayer does for me.

Keep praying and keep listening. God will hear and answer you. He can work on your heart and He wants to. Just be open and honest to Him. Remember that He already knows anyway, so spill your heart to Him.

Going and going (before it is gone)...

This thing called life just doesn't slow down.
The boys:
They are growing faster then I ever remember growing. My toddler is using sentences and discovering more and more words without me having to teach them to him. The "seizures" have not returned as of yet and his EEG came back normal for now so we are just going to go on living normally and keeping our eyes on him. The baby is attempting to stand more often. He is just now getting the hang of crawling with his tummy off the floor but I don't think it will be too long before he just wants to walk.
I am not as good of a mom as I dreamed I would be. I don't do activities well with my boys like I wish I did. I get so many ideas in my head of things that would be so neat to do but then I get frustrated or worn out and just want them to play on their own and stop bugging me. And that is the point where I look at myself from the outside and say "what are you thinking? One day they will be bigger and self sufficient and you will wish you had their little hands tugging on you and their little heads leaning into you, and their little eyes looking up at you begging you to play." And I have to admit I was wrong to push them away. The toddler came up to me today, after an episode like this, and took his small hands to the sides of my face and said "Mommy isses?" I repeated "Does mommy want kisses?" He nodded his head and said "Mommy isses." And bent in and gave the sweetest kisses a mommy could ask for. And I just about cried. I love my boys. I just struggle with finding joy in each day I am with them stuck at home. And that is my wrong.
The job:
My husband and I had an interview after Christmas for a youth position at a church in MI. We were thrilled that we had been called but weren't going in expecting much. Turns out we got called back and will be traveling to Garden City in March to visit the church and see if we might be a fit. We are continuing to pray for guidance, wisdom, and peace in the job situation. I am continually grateful for my husband's job with the school district here in MO but our passion is in ministry. We are going to continue looking for the place God has for us in ministry even if this church in MI isn't it.
My life:
Like I said above I have several areas to work on. I need to work on my mothering skills and finding the joy in that. Raising these boys needs to be fun. I know it can be, I just need to work on making it fun, for all involved.
Being the wife I need to be is also important. There has to be a place where God would have me balanced between caring for these sweet boys and still keeping my husband first. I need to be sure I am meeting his needs and keeping up with what is important to him. He likes the house clean and so I need to be sure that in having fun with the boys I don't make excuses to ignore the home.
Praying needs to be forefront in my life. I need to pray for a balance. I need to pray for so much. It is amazing how much I need to pray. It soothes me and renews me. It strengthens me and empowers me. It fills me and lightens my spirit.
God has amazing things in store. I need to depend on Him and Him alone.

Christmas Blessing

My weekend has been a mess. My oldest son had an accident Friday evening. He passed out and stopped breathing. Now for any mom that is scary. I am trained in CPR and first aid... But did that click in immediately, no. I remember thinking about calling my husband first! I mean this is all in a split second. I realized my folly in that idea and dialed emergency help so it would just be a push of a button if I needed them. And I prepared to do rescue breathing. And the thought crossed my mind that I should dress him warmer cause if we had to go out he would be cold! Seriously my mind was so strange. Thankfully he came out of it without my help. I sat and held him for a few minutes and he was so shaky. I beat myself up alittle about not taking him in on the weekend. But you make decisions based on life experiences. I decided to wait til Monday to call his normal Dr. Well, we are now seeing another Dr. And probably a pediatric neurologist later.
I don't know if you can really be grateful for each breath you get until you watch someone not breathe. We aren't strangers of this. My son had apnea when he was born and went without breathing at times. We were trained in infant CPR before we could take him home with us. Thankfully I have never had to use CPR on anyone yet.
Though him breathing in that life giving air was blessing enough, we also received a wonderful blessing when we got home from the Dr. today, knowing we would have more doctors to visit in the near future for my son. We found three Christmas cards in the mail with checks inside. I know the people who sent the money never knew what we would be going though right now but God did. We were talking on the way home from the appointment about needing to stay home for Christmas instead of going to be with family. But when we saw the checks I cried. God is always faithful. Thank you to Hartwell Baptist and Pastor Trammel your check is getting us to family for Christmas. Ggma, and gpa Fred God used your checks and cards as an encouragement to us after a very hard weekend of worry and fretting about what to do.
What have I learned:
Never take a day with your kids for granted.
Never expect the next breath to just come.
Never worry about your needs not being met. God knows what you need when you need it. And he throws in a little extra every once in awhile just because he can!
My God loves and cares about me and he knows the desires of my heart.
Man, December has been full of lessons. I was only going to write once a month at most. But this was too big not to share.

Christmas Season

The Christmas Season is upon us once again.
This year my son is understanding more about the Christmas story. He is also learning what traditions we do and so it has been very exciting to see his eyes light up when we got the tree out and set up, and when we got the nativities out. I know by next year he will be ready for the traditions he plays a part in, like advent and maybe an elf will come visit.

I get so caught up in the lists of things that need to get done and in the thought of "Am I doing this right?" Being a mom now, I have a strong desire to make the holidays fun and memorable for my family. The problems arise when I start allowing worry to creep in and steal my joy.

A baby King was born in a stable because of love. The baby King was born in that stable... but He was the King of Kings. The baby was laid in the scratchy hay, not because it was what He wanted, or even what He had planned. It was because it was God's will for Him to be born in Bethlehem. It was God's will for Him to be born to Mary. It was God's will that He should be sent to the earth in the first place. It was God's will that He would send his ONLY son to the den of sinners, to be brought up among the human race. To be taught, touched and held by the people of the world. People, that to God, were not able to be looked upon. People who were covered in filth and disgusting grime. Who were drenched in the stench of their self-love and self-righteousness. These were the people he was sending his ONLY Son to! Why? Because it was God's will! Jesus was obedient and willingly went. He came into the world naked, cold, wet and weak. He was fragile, dependent upon His mother for everything.

Jesus was Mary's first child. She was a first-time mom. She was young, but in those days she had experience with children and knew what to expect. Even so, as any new mom will tell you, you never can be totally prepared. I can imagine her looking down at her baby boy just in awe of the miracle of life. I am sure she remembered that He was her Lord, but He was still a baby. Her baby.
I wonder at the scene just after His birth. Joseph there with the child that isn't his, laying it on Mary's chest. I wonder if Mary slept with Him in her arms to warm Him and to just feel Him against her. And when she finally did lay Him in the manger: I wonder what she thought, as she smoothed the hay down with one hand, before setting her King in the trough.
"Is this good enough for my King? Never in a million years. Is it good enough for my child? No. Is it the best option I have? Is it the best I can do with what I have? Yes. So it will have to be good enough." And she laid him down to sleep. I can imagine that she watched him with her adrenaline pumping through her body. She listened to him breathe in and out. It was the best she could do with what she had. I wonder if she worried or fretted over that decision. Perhaps Joseph was the worrier.

That brings me to my journey:
Right now I am a stay-at-home mom. I live and breathe my children. I try my best to stay in the Word and to study to keep my mind fresh, but my kids are my job. There are days I think about how I miss working. I think about how I am a bump on a log. I think about the fact that I am not contributing to the income of my house. At times I begin to feel useless despite the work I do at home. In my head work is work and home is home (an idea I am attempting to change for myself, but it is slow going). This story and this meditation brought me to a realization: God doesn't demand the best in the world. God demands the best in me. God doesn't demand the most worthy to do his bidding. He demands me to go and do. God doesn't demand me to go and do like so-and-so. God demands me to go and do with what I have to offer, like He would have me to do it. He asks me to do it the best that I can with the gifts He has bestowed upon me. So, no, I won't be doing anything the same as you. I won't necessarily be doing better. I will be doing it how God wants me to. I need to place my joy in that and stop worrying so much about what I am doing and how others are doing it.

God didn't demand that His Son be laid on a feather bed in an ivory crib dressed in satin and silk in a golden palace full of nurses, maids and servants, where music flowed from harps and birthday gifts piled high. He was pleased with the worn wooden stable, the crude manger, the golden hay, and torn rags. He allowed His Son to be watched over by cows, donkeys and goats, sung to by angels, adored by shepherds and graced by foreigners, years later, bringing belated birthday gifts. God has a strange idea of what is pleasing in His sight. Then again, God has a strange way of doing a lot of things!

This Christmas Season find God's sense of joy. Find it in the little things that you can do. Stop trying to out-do someone. Stop trying to out-do yourself. Just do.

Picking Up In My Journey:

My world revolves around two baby boys and their father, my husband of three years, Shane. I have a two-and-a-half year old boyand a six month boy. Both hold my heart in their little hands. It amazes me how much I notice my humanity in my everyday dealings with them. Sometimes I loose patience with them, growing frustrated when they are just trying to communicate their needs. I am so thankful that the toddler is beginning to speak clearer and is getting to the point where he can express his needs verbally. We still grow frustrated at one another when he gets stuck repeating the same thing over and over attempting to gain my understanding. When "m"s sound like "f"s and "k"s sound like "g"s it can get confussing. Each day I am just amazed at his progress in his verbal skills.
The baby is very vocal and enjoys the sound of his own squeal. He is also VERY mobile. He is an expert roller and scooter. I feel I am only counting down the minutes until he begins crawling regularly. I have a feeling that I will be extreemly busy once that takes place. The baby is very funny. He tends to crack up when his brother is upset. He just sits there laughing as my toddler cries. I think he must take after his father. He deffinately didn't get my empathetic personality.

As busy as my boys keep me, my husband is my life. He is my complement and we are in this life together. Shane comes from a very different life than me, however, we find a common thread when it comes to how we want to live. We both daily strive to live our lives in a way that brings honor to God. We strive towards the will of the Lord and in doing that we grow closer together. We certaintly have not grown perfect at that concept, but it is something we are constantly reminding ourselves to push towards.

Our goal is to be used in full time service somewhere. We don't know where, or even how. We only know we both have a burning desire to be out there serving to the best of our ability.

This past year has been a rollercoaster. I was pregnant, Shane's hours were cut. Shane got a wonderful job, I had the baby. I had to quit my job, we got two interveiws for youth positions at churches. We got hired on at a church one day, we got dissappointed the next day when we were told it wasn't going to happen. Sometimes it felt the door was being flung open, and only then did we realize it was really being slammed shut. Sometimes it has felt as though I was blocking the door from opening and I finally let go and move out of the way and it closes and won't open again. I feel God just wanted me to say I was willing and to move so I could be in line for whatever the next blessing was that he had for me.

This is a blog of my journey to finding the things that my God has for me. If you want to follow that journey just keep a lookout for posts every couple months. I can't wait to see what's in store!