The Journey Moves Ahead

The long absence from posting on this blog is mainly due to a lack of motivation on my part to share the boring side of waiting on that next step.
My family tried out at some churches in May and were waiting to find out what would be decided with those. We were very excited about two of the opportunities that were presented to us and didn't want to be forced to say "No." to either one. So, the praying continued intensely for a position to be offered and in my mind and heart I prayed for only one to be offered. I knew which I felt was a better fit in my fleshly mind and spirit and I knew any of them would be a great opportunity for us. But prayer was all I could do. There was waiting and prayer. God had a plan and I knew that it may include a "No, not yet," answer from God which would place us back in the searching and seeking phase all over again. Well, after waiting we got word from one that they were hiring another family. The other answer was delayed and so prayer continued. Finally, one week before our lease was ending for our apartment we got word that we were being offered the position at the church where I had felt we fit in best. I was so overwhelmed with excitement. It felt like it was all going to fall into place. I know just getting a job is not a magic trick that will make all things turn out right, but after what felt like a very long pause we were finally on our way again!
In all the excitement and movement I don't want to overlook the wait. There is so much meaning in a pause when God is the one directing. I know in music, a composser uses rests to create beautiful phrases of melody or to bring a distinct separation in the flow. In turn it adds depth, character, and clarity to the piece. Looking at this waiting phase I can see many things I was taught. Patience on God's perfect timing is so vital. God is working a perfect plan for my life and rushing into something only means all the pieces aren't going to fit as well as if one waits for His timing to be perfect and for His plan to be perfected.
I was also taught that God has purpose in let downs. I believe that in my discouraging times God was preparing my heart for the ministry He was preparing for me. God softened my heart for teen girls very slowly each time we would visit a church or when I would observe in the youth group at my home church. I was being softened and changed. I went from desiring to keep my distance to desiring to share my experiences. I began wanting to open up and in turn I was pleasantly "surprised" to have some of them open up in return.
In the wait I was able to learn that teenage girls may seem very together on the outside (some even more than me as the adult) and yet inside they are struggling with feelings and circumstances just like anybody else, sometimes (most times) even more so.
In the waiting I found an excitement in the thought of getting to work with this age group and to be able to encourage them, knowing that God would empower me with all I would need in order to do the ministry He had for me. God was preparing me.
I also learned to open up. I confided in some wonderful women at my church and always knew I could go to them for anything I may need prayer for. I knew very well that they would be praying for and with me in all things I asked. They shared wisdom with me and I learned to love those moments in the church hallway and always found a sigh of relief once I reached their listening ears and they would bow their head and take my need right then to the Lord. I also found myself asking questions of the youth Pastor's wife there at my church. I found many similarities in her answers about her life and desires. I gleaned several insights into ministry in general and learned how God can take and mold the ministry desires of a wife to her husband's and works them together in harmony and unity even when they weren't thinking on the same page to begin with.
We used the wait to grow and stretch our faith and we learned and gained knowledge while attending our "home" church. We were so blessed to be fed spiritually by a great staff and a wonderful pastor who cares genuinely for us as a couple and family, not just a number or faces in a crowd.
We have said goodbye to that chapter of waiting and yearning now and the steps have been coming at us. We are so excited and thrilled for what God has for us here in this ministry and we can't wait for the next steps of this journey to get underway.
Here we go!

Mother's Day, "I'm the best mommy in the world!"

I am the best mommy in the world! Theres a lot I can't do. In fact sometimes I think for a brief moment, "God, what were you thinking allowing me to have this family." I am no super mom. I don't have crafty powers to pull some crazy great activity together to keep a 2 year old engaged while keeping a teatering one-year old from falling or eating everything he shouldn't. I have no skills in the form of cooking hidden vitamines into my boys food, or making fruit and veggies disappear off their plates. I allow television to be watched in my home in both the evenings and the mornings (horrible mommy ALERT:and frankly there are days it stays on children's shows ALL day! We don't plop on the couch and watch it all day but the music and sounds in the background help keep me pumped and engaged.) Sometimes I remember music can do the same thing but I find myself using the tv instead because it is simpler to press one button than to go to the hassle of getting a computer to play the music I want to hear. (yes I know...so lazy.) I am lax in my home rules and think that's okay. I really have very few. I allow balls in the home. I allow batting (plastic bat and ball) in ky living room! I even play games of catch with balls of ALL kinds. I don't get upset when my boys use outside voices inside (though I do remind them). I don't have mind powers to tell you what my boys want every second of every day, but I try to.
I try my very best. And that is the point right. Moms try and through EVERY single one of us have moments where we think WHAT am I doing?! I think EVERY single one of us who tries has kids who look up and think "Man, I have the best Mom in the world!"

My preschooler does some funny things that crack me up and remind me I have the BEST job EVER! He was throwing a foam football around the living room and it must have bumped his head because he comes running over to me and says "I need a hamet, mommy! Pay footbol, I-sa need hamet" I just told him we would have to find him one. The funny thing is earlier that morning we had been watching sports center and they were talking about concussions and how football would become less appealing in 20 years if concussions weren't gotten under control....or something like that. I can't really imagine an America without football... But anyways, I am not sure if he picked up on their insistence for helmets... Or on Kia-Lan's use of a helmet later on when she road skates... But he figured out football and helmet went together and knew he wanted one!
We were gonna have a "boothday Potty" for my baby boy and the so my preschooler helped decorate and stuff. He got some "binucklers" as a favor from the party and has had a blast looking at everything with them. He always wants someone to "find it" as he looks at stuff through them.
For mothers day he made me a card and he was so stinking happy about it. "I paint-ed it. It dis SO COOL!" He seems to always have to emphasis the "so cool". "dat truck is SO COOL" or really SO anything. "Dat baby is SO nice....dat house is SO big..." Lol.
At a restaurant with his grandpa yesterday he got to where he was cracking up. Listening in we heard grandpa saying, "No it isn't." and Curtis saying "yes it is." Over and over back and forth just laughing and having a great time! I dony know if out was our wasn't, but I don't think that was the point!
I ask my little man, "do you love mommy?" Tonight he answered, "yeah, I love my mommy." Normally I get the "yeah"... He rolled over and gave me a sweet kiss...yeah I think I am loved. I know for a fact that I cannot imagine life without this boy!

My baby doesn't say much to tell me he loves me but he shows me all the time. When his eyes light up when I enter the room, our when he can't seem to get to me quick enough after I have ben gone, or when he stares at me as I rock him at night with eyes that seem to burrow into my heart and a head that almost seems to be fused to my shoulder and chest as he gets so comfy and close to me. I just know he thinks I am the best mom in the world and none of the stuff I can't do really matters anymore.
I can just be their mommy. Thats all they want from me.
So yes I am the best mommy in the world for my two boys think I am the world!

For "THOSE" Days

There are days where everything goes right. Where life just seems like a dance with all its grace and beauty...then there is today!

You know those days you have the feeling you will laugh about sometime down the road but in the moment you just want to pull your hair out and say "What have I gotten myself into!?" Well, I have those wonderful days too.

You wake up with a headache and your kid just wants to be a "rock-star" and "drom". "I dromin mommy. Count with me. One, two, tree, fo...(as he counts out the beat swinging his makeshift drumstick and begins pounding it out on the coffee table)" Somehow we are the one hit in the head with the plastic bat AND manage to get whacked with the ball within five minutes of eachother. The headache is only lingering as he begins pounding with his toy hammer "fixing" the furniture in the house that is invisibly in need of repair. "Tap-tap-tap"  he says along with the thumping hammer as if it needs him to make the noise as well to function properly.

Then as you attempt to nap with a tossing baby, the toddler is on daddy's watch. He somehow gets coated in invisible clothing and he manages to spread his "number two" across your area rug as a form of repugnant finger-paint. (oh the creativity and learning that he is mastering through this act is not lost on you I am sure...) So your headache returns despite your nap as you are crouched down scrubbing the stentch out of the thousands of fibers on your floor so the baby can crawl around again without you cringing in disgust at the thought.

Yes, one of those days.

But as you sit in the evening, having shared a bowl of brownies and icecream with your crazy boy, your baby humming to himself as he tears at a book randomly throwing in a scream and shreek here and there for emphasis... And your toddler is climbing the dresser drawers with his fake screwdriver and generally making the room a mess, you realize one day this will be a memory and a very distant one at that. One day these boys will be taller than you and too "big" for cuddles and kisses. One day they will be self-sufficent, as far as the world is concerned, and out on their own. One day they will be grown and that day will be all too soon.

And as your toddler squeals "I did id!" In pure delight as he hops onto your lap with his screwdriver hoisted high in victory and a look that says "I know you care so much", and your baby clings to your leg digging his nails into your pant leg as he cries and climbs onto your knee, You say to your self, "this too will pass...this soon will be gone..." And then you reach up and dab at that pesky tear that seemed to escape from your worn out eye, your head doesn't seem to hurt as much, and your day doesn't seem so bad.

Yeah. It is one of those days.

Disciplining Mom in these "Little Years"

Life doesn't seem to sit still. I went out this Saturday to walk in the Heart Walk with a friend. When I left home it was lightly raining and I figured I would drive out there, I have walked in rain many times in my life. As I drove there I realized it was storming in town. There was lightning and thunder and just buckets of rain. I pulled in and quickly found out the walk would be delayed. The boys were with their dad at home so I figured an hour delay wouldn't be bad. Well I waited for awhile and got a message that my friend would be at McDonalds waiting out the delay. I headed there. The walk got canceled and I headed home after enjoying a nice break from the norm. As I walked in the door I was greeted with a "Hi, Mommy!" from my big boy and a squeal of delight from my one-year-old. I had only been gone for about 2 hours and they still both wanted to be as close to me as they could get as the pushed each other up onto my lap to snuggle.

My boys are so wonderful. I got to thinking about how I am as their mom. I have begun reading a book called Loving the Little Years. It opened my eyes to a new way of looking at discipline. I know I am supposed to be consistent. I know I am supposed to be firm in what I say is a "no." and what I want to teach them. It is how I go about doing it that really makes the difference. I mean, how many times have I heard the phrase in Bible College "speak the truth in love". If I was ingrained to do that with people I counsel, shouldn't it be even more so with my own kids. I love and cherish my children more than any other children in the world. As their mom I often find myself angry, frustrated and irritated at them when they aren't learning the lesson I am trying to teach as quickly as I would have them learn it. If it was anyone else, I would not shout at them or outwardly show frustration and irritation, but because they are my kids I do! How does that even make sense, the more I care and love somebody the worse I tend to treat them?  I get frustrated at myself for not figuring out a better way to get my plan across to them and I flat out get mad at the toddler when he looks at me as if I told him to build me a rocket ship instead of asking him to simply bring me a diaper from the shelf (which is something he does very often for me normally). I can't figure out why he seems to have forgotten what I mean when I speak the same command to him that I have used countless times before! I was just now thinking about God and how He is my Father. He gives me commands. He actually has even written them all down for me so I can always reread them when I need to and I still find myself disobeying at times. Even when I have obeyed the same command countless times in the past for some reason there are times I just choose not to listen and to go my own way and do my own thing. And it isn't even like I am trying to do the right thing but just don't fully understand what it is he wants. Most of the time, unlike my two-year-old son, I know what the right thing to do is but I blantantly choose not to do it. God is so patient and understanding and pours His mercy out on me and supplies grace and love to me. He doesn't get mad and angry. Instead He gently guides me back to the path He wants me to follow, He begs me to do it His way, and He loves me still when I, yet again, go running off on my own way.

Going back to this book: the author illustrated the idea of teaching and training at every chance instead of just disciplining. There is a way to displine with love and not anger or disappointment. She mentioned that when we begin feeling frustrated or disappointed in our children we need to recall how far they have come and the progress they have made. As mothers we need to praise them for their accomplishments and realize that they will figure out this challenge soon enough and many more will follow. They are just beginning this life and just beginning to be molded. Our job is to teach and train and that probably means cleaning up messes after them and giving them a new, better way of doing something.

It is true that there are times when my almost-3-year-old disobeys on purpose and you can just see the challenge in his eyes, and on those occasions he needs punished. However, I have begun challenging myself to not automatically swat his backside. Instead I am trying to use certain key verses from the Bible to teach him why what he did is wrong. If he disobeyed, we are using the phrase "children obey your parents". If he is unkind, we say "be ye kind to one another" which he follows up with "Be nice!". If these reminders dont help him and he still challeges he recieves a swat and lost privaleges. But the key is that we are trying to train in truth not just in bad and good. God has so many truths that flood our Scriptures. They need to flood our hearts and be applied to our lives. And our kids need to learn to do that too. You may be surprised what your kids can memorize at this young age. I figure out if he can sing the whole "abc song" and the theme song for his favorite tv show then he can learn to say Bible verses too. I was pushing for him to learn the letter sounds, but as he began getting good at them I realized I had wrong priorities. I wanted my child to be ready for school and to be seen as smart, but how much better would it be to teach him Bible verses now while his mind is just booming and growing! So we began with "God is love." and have progressed to "God loved us, and sent His son." He isn't to the point where he says them all by himself but he will get there. He knows how to end the ones I begin and he is able to say them all with me as we practice them at bath time. It has become a fun thing for us to do. He likes copying what I say and we make it like a game.

My husband has told me I need to be tougher with the boys, and he is right in part. I need to put my foot down and be sure they know I am the parent and they don't run the home, but I also need to be training them in truth and with love. You don't have to be a meany to be in charge. You don't have to be loud and demanding to lead. Keep that in mind. I know I am doing my best to remember it, and I fail often. I either become too soft and get run over and nothing accomplished in the way of training, or I get mean and loud and demanding and only end up making grumpy fussy boys and an irritated mommy and still nothing gets taught.

I was telling someone today that none of us have arrived at perfection. We each have to work every single day on the things we need to do better or on the things that need to change. Are you working on your life? Or have you grown content with where you are? Don't stay content with your life. 

Joy in Mothering?

This is being written for honesty sake and not for any other reason. I feel I need to be honest on this journey blog and sometimes being honest means sharing a part that is difficult to share or not the most flattering part of who you are. This is to remind the readers that this life is a journey and it is a journey I am trying to continually learn from and hopefully become better and better along the way.

Recently I went through a slump and found myself hitting a wall in finding the joy of mothering. I lashed out at each of my boys (including my husband). I was frustrated and irritated. I became easily angered and upset over things that were silly and pointless. One night as I was home alone trying to put the baby to bed (He was fighting it as hard as he could). I found myself growing more and more frustrated at him. Now, I would never, NEVER, hurt my child intentionally, but I was getting mad. I had rocked him and patted him and laid him in his crib and shut the door only to hear him begin screaming all over again. I would go in and try to calm him only to find that he was inconsolable. I would hold him again and get him calm and lay him back down, over and over. I finally was fed up and laid him down (probably rougher then I needed to) and yelled at him "Just go to sleep!" and slammed his door and slammed my door waking the 2-year-old in the process and of course making myself more irritated. I felt like I was watching myself from the outside. I saw myself laying the baby down and yelling and the calm voice in my head telling me "Just calm down. He doesn't know any better. Yelling will just make him scared and make it worse..." But listening to that voice was not on the agenda at that moment. I am not an angry person and I am not the type of person to be violent or aggressive. I chose not to return to their room. I didn't want to do anything else to make it worse. So, of course, as my boys were crying in their beds I began crying in my room. Something was wrong. Something was very wrong. I knew I had been holding in feelings for a long time and they just snapped. I reached out to my mom. I let her know what was going on and that I needed to talk.
She brought up something I suppose I had been ignoring. She said it was possible I was resenting the baby. As I wanted to say, "No way. I love him." I had to think about it and when I thought about it I realized that yes I was. I resented him. I resented Shane for talking me into wanting another child so soon. I resented the fact that I had to quit my job (that I LOVED) because we couldn't pay for both boys in daycare (I placed that on the baby too, because he was a larger chunk of that bill). I resented the fact that because I quit my job I have been stuck at home 24 hours a day with him and now he only wanted me ALL the time. I resented the fact that he was active and into everything and not calm like his brother had been. I resented that I can't do as many things with the 2-year-old as I had envisioned because I have a baby to watch over and haul around. I resented that I couldn't just go out because when I go out with the boys I have to be sure they are not going to get too tired while I am out, that the baby won't get hungry because I have no time to pump at home and trying to find a suitable, quiet and safe place to nurse in public is hard, especially one that keeps the 2-year-old contained and occupied. And leaving them home is not an option unless I have planned it in advance enough to be sure their dad is willing and able to watch them and that the baby won't need a bottle. Yes. I resented my baby. SERIOUSLY as ridiculous as this sounds! All the sudden I saw what I had done. As all these thoughts poured through my head. I began going through each one and thinking logically about them. It was not the baby's choice to be born. It wasn't his choice. It was our decision. It isn't like he was that much of a surprise. Sure, I didn't expect to get pregnant so quickly but I did want a second child. God gave him to me when He did. God gave him to me like He did and in His timing and with His purpose. It isn't the baby's fault he gets tired and cranky or hungry. I need to be thankful that he has a pretty reliable schedule. I need to be thankful that he isn't like his older brother who never seemed set in any pattern. The baby naps around the same time every day and eats around the same time every day. I know when he is tired and I know when to expect him to get hungry. I know how to get him to sleep (most nights) and I know that he will sleep fine in his own bed (also unlike his big brother). This baby is not a burden. He is a gift. I seriously thought every negative thought through and knew I was the foolish one for having those thoughts. I was the one who needed a change and I knew I needed to work on some things.
First, I knew I was missing out on spiritual growth. I had been out of church for three weeks in a row because the baby was sick, then I was sick, then the toddler was sick. I was not in church, so secondly, I was missing out on social interactions. I relied on the quick "Hello"s in the hallways and the "how are you?"s  in the classrooms and the quick hug from a friend or two as I was leaving the service. Probably wouldn't be enough social interaction for a lot of people but it was enough to sustain me. It was also little enough that without it for three weeks I was a wreck of emotions and drained from the lack of it. Third, I was thinking about my lack of ministry. I felt useless. I didn't have my Sunday school class to teach each week. I didn't have the thought of a youth ministry that might possibly want to use us. I had felt needed and a part of something when I taught the Sunday school class. I felt like I was doing my part and that I was missed when I wasn't there. Now I felt like very few people noticed when I wasn't there. I also had lost the ministry I had as a hospital employee. I had thrown my all into doing my very best to serve the ladies I came in contact with at the hospital. I had the idea that that was a ministry. I served and tried to be humble and show a willingness to do whatever I was asked and do it to the best of my ability in the hopes that God's light would shine through me. I found myself at home with two little boys and that was my life. That is it. I felt unimportant in the grand scheme of things. I felt like I was wasting my call sitting and changing diapers and picking up toys over and over all day long. I went to Bible College and felt burdened for people and my ministry was to two boys. That is all I felt like I was touching. It didn't feel like enough.
So I found myself posting on a social network, looking for someone to meet up with for a "play-date" with my kids. I was so drained socially that I only could reach out over the Internet on a public site. That is how far my social life is down the drain. It is my own fault. I didn't cultivate relationships. I consider myself a kind person. I believe I am nice and encouraging. I think I am a pretty good listener and I can sympathize with the best and empathize with the worst. I built relationships at work but didn't bother to build them up outside of work so when I find myself without co-workers to relate to I feel like I have a blank wall and don't know them as well as I imagined I did. I also took my relationship with my sister for granted. I built that up and socialized with her instead of building friendships with other people and so now as I find her traveling the country I find myself without a friend to go do things with. I know plenty of people but I doubt any them would count me among their top 3 friends, or even their top 5. I don't even know how many would consider me in their top 10. Ha ha! I don't think I am unfriendly by any means, I just never worked towards making friends in the first place, or making myself known as an available friend.
Thankfully, God called me friend. And thankfully He had a plan. Through my pathetic attempt at finding some social life for me God said, "I have got this. Just watch this happen and watch Me work!" Several people responded to my post and reached out of their comfort zones. I truly appreciate that. An idea also has surfaced through the thought of "minister where you are placed".
I am wondering if any other mom's might possibly be in the same sort of slump? Maybe they are feeling lonely, trapped, or overwhelmed? I have felt so much more joy after realizing that God is the one in control of each of the circumstances I find myself in. I have to know that he has the best interest at heart. I realize that joy comes from Him and that it is my job to grab hold of that joy and receive it. If I don't I will find myself miserable and longing for a life that I don't have. Am I always thrilled to death with the fact I am home with my boys 24 hours a day without a car and without anything in safe walking distance? No. I am not always thrilled but I am finding myself choosing joy more often. I am finding myself seeing a future where I am feeling useful and where I am ministering where I feel the calling of God. Shane has told me before that there are mom's who would kill to be able to stay at home with their babies. I usually snap back at him, "I am not one of those moms!" But when I am honest in my heart, there is no better place for me right now. My boys could not be in better hands than the hands God has placed them in, and for now, those happen to be my hands. So, thank you God for my sweet baby boys. Thank you for their different personalities. Thank you for their health and safety.
One thing that amazes me each day: Even when I make mistakes and get frustrated and angry at my babies they still come to me with a longing face and calm their crying in my embrace. They desire to be near me and loved by me and would not wish to be comforted by any other person in the world. So in conclusion:  Thank you God, most of all, for their small hearts full of love for me.

The Healthy Habit of Fear

Everyone has had something they feared at some point in their life, whether it was the imagined fears of childhood, or very real and verifiable fears that exist in the world in which we live. I believe everyone has fears. Some people respond to fear by taking preventative measures, some respond once they are in the midst of the circumstance that frightens them, and some respond only after the instance has occurred and has past through reliving it over and over in their minds frightening them even more.

Some fear is healthy. Take for instance the fear of germs, when rational and in perspective a healthy fear for germs is excellent and brings a person to live a healthier lifestyle. But fear can be taken out to extremes and become totally and utterly unhealthy. Fear can paralyze a person from ever doing anything or becoming anyone.

I have an irrational fear of my feet being uncovered at night which started when I was very young. We were visiting my grandmother's church and a man came into our Sunday school class to share his story. The only part I remember is that he told us that he didn't obey God and one night God took his leg(s) and he showed us his prosthesis. In my childhood imagination the way I understood his story was that one night he went to bed and in the morning he woke up and his legs were gone because God had taken them. I know that in truth I am sure there was some sort of accident and surgery and recovery period and the man meant that there were consequences for choices you make. But, to me, I never could sleep with my feet uncovered because I thought someone might take my legs in my sleep, AND I couldn't sleep with socks on because I wanted to be able to feel my toes touching my sheets so I knew my feet were there. Now as crazy at that sounds I have yet to completely grow out of that thought as I go to bed every night and take my socks off. I don't know how many people in my life have ever heard that story or know that about me. It isn't that I am afraid anymore of my legs being taken in my sleep, it is just a habit now that has become difficult to break.
I don't think everyone has fears like that but I know everyone fears something. Some people fear the uncertainty of the future and work painstakingly to have their next moves planned out. Some people fear taking the next step when it comes to changes in their life.

Let me tell you one thing about fear, whatever you fear controls you. Have you thought of that? If you fear germs you tend to think about them a lot. You tend to take action to protect yourself against them. Even if it is just a small fear, where you wash your hands after touching something you know is dirty. (I do hope all of you have at least that much fear of germs). Whatever you fear you tend to respect its power, whether it is the power it could posses over you (such as germs making you wretchedly sick) or you respect the power that it demonstrates in the world (gravity makes things fall so don't just leave your rolling infant on the bed unsupervised). Fear isn't all bad or evil. We need to fear to some extent. We need to be vigilant when we are going somewhere alone and avoid going somewhere alone at night, especially when you are a woman in a shady area. There is just a common sense to the emotion of fear. God gave us the emotions we have. God gave us the ability to fear.

Here is one type of fear you should work on having more of. We need to fear God. Seriously? Fear? God loves us, yes. God saves us, yes. But too often we hold that up and let it overshadow the fact that God is God. God is just. God is Creator. God is LORD. Do you fear your boss? (if you have one) do you just sit in the break room and talk all day and never do your work? Do you say whatever you want about him and goof off in meetings? God is not your boss. No. He is not going to fire you and He does not pay you a salary each week to help keep the roof over your head and clothes on your back and food on your table. God is our CREATOR. He spoke the world into being. He said "Let there be light!" and there was. He formed Adam and Eve with His hands. He breathed life into them. He knit you together in your mother's womb! On top of that: He reached down and chose you to be saved. He CHOSE you! He deemed you worth His love, worth His time and worth His Son's life! He didn't even stop there. He is continually interested and working in your life to make you who He would want you to be. He holds the power to stop your life whenever He is ready to. He has the power to give you the world, or to take every last thing you posses away. God has that power. Are you fearing Him yet? Sure you say, He wouldn't do that to someone who is doing the work of the Lord. He wouldn't make my life difficult if I am striving to serve Him and do my best. Hmm. Let's see I think I have heard a story about a man who was living a wonderful life and was serving God with all his heart. I think God called him "upright" and "perfect" in the KJV version of the Bible. Job had it all going for him. God had blessed him and God allowed all of it to be taken away in a very short time span.

And yet too often we go through life ignoring God's goodness and frankly, ignoring His power over us. We take control of our own life and say "As long as I am doing the 'good' and 'right' thing then what does it matter if I make these decisions and if I just push this part along a little bit for God. I know He is busy with those other people who need His help A LOT more than I do." And we all the sudden find ourselves driving the sled instead of sitting and waiting on the Lord.

That is my challenge today. Fear the Lord. Fear God. Let Him have the respect and the honor He is due and stop taking it from Him.

To my journey:
If you are interested in the job situation we have going on: The trip to MI got cancelled and so we are once again in limbo. A church in Oklahoma has our resume but we don't know anything promising, We appreciate the prayers for our family as we attempt to continue our wait on the Lord and serve where He has placed us. Shane has begun observing and helping with the youth group at our Church here in MO. We are blessed with a church that loves us and is willing to help us anyway they can.

Family is doing well. The boys are growing quicker then I could imagine. Their birthdays are around the corner and I am amazed at how quickly the first year has gone by. I feel as if having two keep me busy has made the year fly by. I am trying my best to make memories that will last. Some days are much easier than others to accomplish that. I just hope my memory can hold on to something.

A Place I am Coming From

Worry. Anxiety. Stress.


"Casting all your care upon Him...": A lesson that I continually have to teach myself and a lesson I seem to continually forget, or absently choose not to remember.

Let me share a little about where I am coming from on this ambling walk and maybe I can help someone as I go.

I am a people pleaser (or I attempt to be). My stress comes when I start focusing on what others are feeling. Drama stresses me out.
One thing I have found myself struggling with continuously is the idea of being loved.

In college I often put myself in situations that I had no business being in because I was afraid of loosing "love". I was afraid of being found unlovable by someone, or by anyone for that matter. There are guys who take advantage of that in a girl, (sometimes I believe it was unintentional, other times I think they knew exactly what they were doing.) I was everything to everyone. I tried to know what each person would want me to be and tried my best to become that exact thing. I am not just talking in romantic relationships but in all relationships. I don't think I was really me for very many people at all those first couple years. I transferred colleges and moved states and was able to "re-define" myself at each new beginning. I lied and hurt people in the process.

In my fear of being found inadequate I ended up trapped in a web and tangled up to my neck in guilt and self-hatred (and I don't mean the good Biblical kind of "hate thyself" but the kind that just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up or to disappear). I finally snapped under the weight of guilt and was left crushed and SO terrified of the consequences that would face me.I knew what I deserved from family and friends. I knew what I would face in the truth. I knew, in my mind, it would mean some loss of love. But, I had my back to the wall and felt there was no escape until I told the truth.

When I confessed I was met with the reply that I would be loved forever, no matter what I had done. I accepted it as words that were only spoken out of obligation, and not as a truth that was founded in their heart and spirit. In my head I knew that they were thinking less of me, and that I would never find full forgiveness.

Through the next year I realized that I did not believe in unconditional love. I realized slowly that I did not trust God's love. I knew there was a time that I had believed and I had trusted fully in God's love and grace but I had, some how, let go and gotten confused and began believing a lie. I did not trust that God would love me in-spite of what I was. I mean, I believed he was "obligated" to because he was God and God is love. But I didn't feel worth anything to Him. I didn't feel like I had merit.

My friend insisted I find counseling and I found a Biblical Psychologist. After the first visit I felt dumb. I had talked and talked about my problems, my mistakes, my issues. I had been told I needed to stop giving Satan ground in my life. I was told to read several books on the topic of bondage. And I realized as I talked that the problem wasn't my circumstances it was my sin and my guilt. That is all it took for me to know I didn't need to return to the Psychologist to "talk" anymore.

I took a course at Bible College on Biblical counseling, and realized that all I needed was Scripture. Everything I needed to learn was in those pages. I began to see that unconditional love was something real that I needed to rely on. Unconditional love was the key to my salvation being true. Unconditional love is something that believers need to work at, but we also need to be giving it out at the same time. It doesn't come naturally for humans but it is an attribute of God. I have also found that worth isn't IN me, it is GIVEN to me. I am never worthy of anything, unless God has said I am worth it.

What amazes me: He has said I am worth His only Son. He has said I am worth saving. He has said I am worth redeeming. He has said I am worth using. He has also said: I am worthy of being called His daughter through adoption. My choice: to grab hold of that worth and never let it go, or ignore it and live trying to gain it out of my own power feeling empty and useless.

Worth is not something we attain/contain in and of ourselves it is what we are viewed as through someone else's eyes.

I am a people pleaser and I struggle with fear of man issues. This means I want people to like me. I want people to love me. I am often afraid of what they think. I fear what people say about me. I fear about what people want from me. I constantly find myself stressed out because I am afraid so-and-so is upset and I am so sure it has to do with something I have done. Even when I know it is because of someone else I connect it to me in some way. If my child trips someone at church I automatically connect myself to it and begin thinking how the person must think I am a terrible mother, or that I should have been watching more closely. In a way it is a form of self-centeredness (a degrading form, but all the same the-world-revolves-around-me way of thinking).

And there are days I wonder why I am so stressed out (making the world revolve around me is hard work, as is trying to take on everyone else's problems).

You would think I had done a better job at learning the lessons I needed to learn and yet here I am again: Up at 2 in the morning stressed out about yet another thing that is beyond my control.

"Casting all your care upon Him..." do you know the rest of that verse? "...for He careth for you." God cares about you. GOD! The maker of the universe has deemed YOU worth His love, time, and grace. Think about that as you continue on your own journey today.