Being a mom to boys has been interesting since the beginning. I was so excited to have my first little boy growing in my belly. To feel him hiccup and know that he would be my little man. To know that he would grow up to be a protector and sweet spirited lover. I dreamed of him being my little cuddle bug, my sensitive man who would be courteous and kind and compassionate and strong. At least that is how I pictured him.
Never did I think I would end up with three boys in the years that followed. Each time the ultrasound would reveal another bouncing boy growing inside me I would smile and think it was a good thing I loved being around boys. I couldn't imagine having one of my boys be a girl instead. They are each so perfectly mine and I enjoy being mommy and recipient of all of that affection from sweet little boys makes my heart burst. It is amazing.
I will tell you there are many things I have learned as a mom to boys. I know there are so many more things to learn as well. I am praying I get all the years to learn all the lessons I have to learn and that my boys will make it despite my skills (or lack there of) to be a mom to boys!
1. You can NEVER own too many cars and balls. My 2-year-old's favorite thing to get at the store is a new ball. It can be a BIG giant ball, or just a small bouncing ball. It could even be a gumball and he will be thrilled! And don't even get me started on cars. We have toy cars out our ears and we still manage to come up with a reason to get a new one every now and then.
2. Sound effects...for my family it was pretty much sound effects before actual words and sentences. My boys made the sounds of animals and cars and yes, even bodily functions... before they actually spoke coherent sentences. Potty training my toddler was slightly amusing.
3. Don't use the phrase "Let me kiss it and make it better..." there are just some things your little man may call a boo-boo that you just don't want to kiss. My 4-year-old hit his little boy parts on the coffee table one day and asked me to kiss it. Nope, not happening. My 2-year-old got a bad diaper rash when he was sick. Yeah... I passed. Green boogie face (I did kiss it but ONLY after taking a wet rag and washing the little sticky mouth).
4. They find the strangest things HILARIOUS! My 2-year-old will sit and crack up at his little trucks and I have NO idea why. They just looked at him funny I suppose. (I am sure girls have their moments as well).
5. The eating continually begins at an early age. My 4-year-old already has begun the ever going NEVER ceasing "I'm hungry mommy." "I want something to eat mommy." ALL day! (and yes I feed him). I am preparing myself for the grocery bills in our future.
6. It is OKAY to let your boy carry a purse around a little and to allow him to wear or like pink and purple. It will not ruin him. Hey even let him pick up a doll every once in awhile. He may have to carry a purse for his wife one day and I don't want to have raised a boy who says "NO WAY" just at the sight of a purse in his hand.
My boys have begun having conversations with each other and it is the cutest thing to hear communication between them about the random things they are thinking and imagining. One of them will run with an imaginative story line and the other one will go right along with it as though he actually knows what the other one is talking about! And I can sit there and usually have NO clue what they are talking about but they seem to understand each other perfectly.
Also I know this goes for any children but just because you have the same gender doesn't mean they will be the same. My boys personalities are so different. I am having to learn how to do things differently with my 2-year-old because what worked for my 4-year-old isn't working the same way for him. They have different fears, different likes and interests and different ways of handling pressures. They handle being in trouble differently and they have different temptations. They are completely different people and I like that.
God has blessed me with a third boy and I cannot wait to see what his personality will be like as he grows and develops. Right now he is only a month and a half and only has learned to smile, eat, sleep, cry and fill a diaper. Pretty much all the really important things. We will see what the future has in store. So far it looks very full of cars, balls and grocery carts filled of food.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Saturday, May 11, 2013
For Mother's Day... remembering what it is to be called "Mommy"
Obviously I don't know everything there is to being a mom. I don't know the ins and the outs. I don't know the tricks or tips. All I know is what I have gleaned in my short 4 years and from watching my amazing mommy better herself as she mothers 6 children (three grown and three still young and at home). She is also a Nana to 7 grand-babies (the 8th on the way) from a great distance and does that so well even though I know it takes every ounce of her will-power some days to stay where God has her and doing what God has for her to do over that huge ocean. She is adamant about being more than just a simple picture on the wall to our children and she makes every effort to be a part of their lives. She is and has always been an example of a wonderful wife, mom and leader. She is amazing in the fact that she is never satisfied with how she is and is constantly working to improve herself in some way to be a closer picture of what God would have her to be. It is amazing to see her being mom to my younger siblings and seeing how much growth God has worked through her and how much wisdom she is guiding the kids with. And as a mom I can look to her and see her working right now with my siblings and can model after her. God has blessed us this way. Not many young women can become moms and get to that point while their own mom is still being "mommy" to children at home. It has made a whole knew dynamic to my view of motherhood. My mom is still living it out every day. She is still woken up early and has quarrels to settle and toys to clean up and the little appetites to satisfy and bed-time wars to wage. I have to say I am so thankful to get to watch that side of my mom in action, as opposed to just relying on the memories of how I thought she did things or how she remembers things being.
I would also like to mention my mother-in-law, who was not my mother while growing up, nor is she my blood, but I admire how much she cares and is willing to listen or give me the mom hug I need when my mom is not able to. She, too, is now being grandma from a distance (not quite as far as my mom but any distance seems like forever for a grandma (or so I have been told)) and doing a great job at keeping her presence in my children's minds.
The first moment I became a mom...
I would also like to mention my mother-in-law, who was not my mother while growing up, nor is she my blood, but I admire how much she cares and is willing to listen or give me the mom hug I need when my mom is not able to. She, too, is now being grandma from a distance (not quite as far as my mom but any distance seems like forever for a grandma (or so I have been told)) and doing a great job at keeping her presence in my children's minds.
The first moment I became a mom...
I remember the excitement. I could suppose some could argue that I was a mom 31 weeks before that evening. I gave all the nutrition and warmth and protection to my child from the moment he was even created inside of me. God knit him together inside of me. How amazing is that? To think of God's hands forming my tiny child and growing him and creating his every hair and the tiny folds of skin. Imagine how special that makes us women, to have God create another human being inside of us! Insanity, beauty, majesty! But that is not what makes a mother. That is what makes a baby. Becoming a mother is something much deeper. There are countless women who become mothers without ever having carried a tiny human inside of their belly. Mother's who are "mommy" to children they never carried. Even mom's who are "mom" to kids who didn't even know them when they were babies! There are some women who have been blessed to carry a baby inside of them who never were a mother to that child as God intends a mother to be. So no, carrying a child as it forms and prepares for life is not what constitutes a mother. Mothers are made in the heart.
Going back to that first day...
I remember my baby came early. We were unprepared. I was naive, and excited. I didn't really become nervous until later. They kept talking about his lungs and how they were still forming and that made me start to worry. I was so happy to get to be meeting my little guy early and the risks hadn't really been in my head until they began the surgery. The doctor was working and all I could think about was "Please cry, please cry..." over and over in my head. It seemed like silence when he was born. But when he cried I think I sighed so huge! My baby was breathing! I felt like he was going to be okay. I remember "holding" him that first time. He was bundled up so much (I think there was more blanket then baby!). My arms were stretched out on the table and I could bend them at the elbow and touch his face as he was laid on my chest. I bent up to kiss his tiny face and pictures were taken and he was whisked away to intensive care. That was the first moment I remember of being a mom.
I remember when my second was born I wasn't as excited or overjoyed. I shouldn't say that. I was happy, but I was so stressed out. I broke down in the hospital worried about if I had done the right thing. I was so stressed seeing my 21 month old and thinking, "He is still a baby... I am making him have to grow up too fast...I am pushing him out of his place as my baby...he is never going to forgive me..." all irrational, emotional thoughts that flooded my mind. And of course there was no turning back at that point. I talked to my friend (who was also my nurse) and she told me I would be fine. And I was. And so were my sons. They love each other and are so great to watch together. Yes, there are moments where screaming matches break out or where the little one will tackle the bigger one and crying and squealing ensues, but it is brothers and it is love.
Now that that first little miracle is close to turning 4 and his younger brother is celebrating Mother's Day by turning 2, I know that being a mom is a lot more then just having a baby. There is so much about being a mom that doesn't involve the physical use of our body to bare a child. It is about the heart.
A mom will always have thoughts flooding her mind about her kids. She will always worry, always attempt to protect, and always be there to comfort and support no matter what situation arises or how old her "children" get.
There are times where being a mom is tiring. I have a preschooler, a toddler, and a baby on the way and believe me, I am tired. I know moms who have children closer in age than I do and I know it is only through grace that I make it through the hard days. There are times where I think about the time I wish I could spend doing things I enjoy or like. I remember being pregnant that first time and napping when I wanted to and it being okay that I couldn't sleep at night because I could sleep late in the morning or take a nap in the evening. I remember having time to read and do art or be on the computer. Now I am lucky to have a shower without being interrupted. There are days where I look at the things other moms have time to do. Or the creative things they come up with and I wonder what is wrong with me. I get down on myself and think I am not being as "mom" as I ought to be. I don't do crafts often, I usually can't get my children to sit still and play quietly without me. I have a hard time finding the joy in being a stay-at-home-mom (stuck-at-home-mom) some days. But that is about the time I recheck my heart and think about some of the awesome stuff I do get to do.
I get to be my sons' first love and endure countless sweet kisses and hugs. I get to be their favorite cuddle spot. I am trusted with their secrets. I get to see all sides of them. I am privy to their funniest jokes and cutest sayings. I don't miss out on much of their day. I get to teach them through little things and I get to learn from them in other ways. And watching them as they grow out of clothes or when their feet start sticking out form the bottom of their blanket at night I am reminded how quickly they grow. The first time my son said full sentences, and when he started writing his letters, and when he sings off key in his loud voice only to be embarrassed when he sees I noticed and silences himself... those are times I know being here at home with them means I am not missing out on some of these things I may otherwise have missed. I am so blessed to be here with them everyday, all day. I don't want to miss a thing.
I remember my oldest son was learning to run and was practicing in the lobby at church. He ran out behind an elder lady, who at that moment decided to back up. She tripped over him and fell all the way to the ground my son was under her legs. I raced to help her dreading about broken hips and wrists and everything else that can happen to women when they fall. She looked at me as tears were starting to pour from my face, "Don't get me. Get the baby. Is the baby okay?" I was so embarrassed and scooped up my baby. He was fine just shaken. I had not felt scared for my own son at that moment (I don't know if I was just in shock and not thinking or if my instincts just knew he was okay because of how she had fallen). I felt horrible for the lady and I held my son close as the tears fell down both our cheeks. I comforted him and helped her get up. As horrible as that experience was it taught me a few things. It taught me that my son can bolt off in a flash, it taught me to not allow him to run loose at church, it taught me that sometimes you meet people in the strangest ways and sometimes it is because God wants to place that person in your life. If I hadn't of had that accident with that lady I would never have spoken to her probably. She became a prayer partner for me. She was a wonderful encouragement and had some great wisdom for me. I have learned through being a mom that sometimes the most embarrassing situations are the ones that God wants to teach you something through, or to give you some blessing on the other side of.
Another example: we were being interviewed for a position at a church. The pastor took us out to a restaurant. It was a little late and I knew my youngest son would be getting tired and fussy soon. I just hoped he would stay content if we had some food in front of him. Well he started down right screaming in the restaurant and just throwing the crayons and being very upset. I tried to hold him and rock him but it didn't help. I had tried going to nurse him in the bathroom but there was only one stall and I didn't want to take it up. And I can't bring myself to nurse in front of this pastor that may be interested in hiring us. So I grab the blanket and go outside. I take my son and sit on the bench by the door to the restaurant and feed him as discreetly as I can in the dusk light. I am covering myself up as much as possible and my son almost instantly starts to fall asleep. As I am calming him a couple comes out of the restaurant. I quickly check that all is covered and all the sudden the lady turns around and returns to me. She smiles so sweetly and says "I have been there. You are doing a good job. It will pass all too soon. Just know you are a good mom and enjoy your babies while they are little." I just about jumped up to hug her and cry! I needed that more than she knew and basically I had felt like the whole interview would be a bust because of how our children were acting! Thankfully, it wasn't and we were able to accept the position at the church and have been here about 10 months now. I have not forgotten that interchange with that lady. I don't know that I will ever know if I see her again but I am so glad that God brought her to me.
This next fall my oldest will be headed to preschool. He will be out of the house 4 mornings a week and I am already finding myself thinking about how big he is getting and how fast it is going.
The bad moments and stressful moments are far outweighed by the goofy, fun and loving moments. The tantrums in the restaurant and the crying in the toy store are just pieces of motherhood. Having your child throw himself on the ground out of stubbornness in the middle of a crowded hallway when you are 8 months pregnant are just the things that teach and make us stronger.
Friday, February 22, 2013
The Goings On the Journey
I must say these past 8 months have been a huge learning curve for Shane and I both. I have been learning my role in ministry. I still don't have it down yet but I am feeling more confident each day that God will help me get there and that He will help me to shift as my role needs to shift and that He is the ONLY way that I can even seem competent in my place.
I am learning a lot about relying on God to just help me focus on what I need to do and letting go of worrying about the things I think others ought to be doing.
IN OUR CHURCH:
Shane and I have been so blessed to be serving at our new church home in Ohio. We have a great group of teenagers. A lot of young excitement (both from us as a young couple starting out in ministry, and from the teens who have been eager and excited for a "new" face and all the "new" and "different" possibilities that entailed).
A big role, I have discovered, for me is to be a wife first of all. I know this seems awfully straight forward, but for me it wasn't. I had all these thoughts of what a youth pastor's wife should be doing for the teen girls. I had all these visions of sleep overs and make-up and nail-polish and Sunday school lessons on boys, dating, modesty (and yes even the "s-word") and Bible and book studies with just the ladies focusing them on growing in their life and walk to be mature and godly women. Then REALITY struck. My duty was first of all to be the wife I needed to be. That included watching and caring for my sons so that my husband could speak and teach with the teens and not be distracted by our children. That meant that on Sunday evenings my focus was to keep my toddler quiet and out of the room as much as possible and the same on Wednesdays. I needed to separate myself from the teen group in order to perform my role effectively and right. That struck me at first as counter productive. I had felt so strongly that my duty was to the girls in the youth department. But the Bible has taught me differently and in resting in that I have found so much peace in the fact that I am usually out babysitting my son when I am at church. That is okay. That is what God called me to do at this point in my ministry. I am not robbing anyone of anything. I am not robbing myself of an opportunity to serve, the truth is, I am serving. I am serving in a big way, because I am humbly doing what no body else will do (or can do) and I am doing it despite what my desires might be. I have also found that, even though sometimes it has been an inner struggle, my desire has shifted and I am finding joy in doing what needs to be done to serve Shane to the best of my ability in that area. Playing blocks with J in the back room brings me joy because I know that Shane is out teaching and I have done all that I can do help him stay focused on the task at hand and in turn I am helping the teens by allowing the Spirit to work without the 30 lb distraction running a-muck in the room.
IN OUR HOME:
Another thing I am working on is prioritizing Shane above the boys. It is so easy for me to say "Dishes didn't get done because J was so fussy." or "C wanted to play these games and I needed to help him so we didn't get dinner together yet." I have learned over the years what some of Shane's priorities are when it comes to the house chores. When I was doing my priorities first or the boys priorities first it was not working. Now that i have begun doing things (as much as possible) the way Shane would want them done I am finding that life seems to go a lot smoother. It isn't so much that his way is the better way (Although he would probably say that. ;) ) It is because in doing it by his priorities I am avoiding a lot of the stress and friction that there was between us and in turn things just run a whole lot smoother. I have found that instead of trying to be brushing each other the wrong way, as the wife I am to be the submissive one and let go of MY way and go with the flow. It is SO much easier to just let go and ride the flow. You might think how simple that sounds, but as women today it is not. We have "rights" and we have "dreams" and "goals" and "ambitions". Those things aren't bad at all, but when they get in the way of doing what we need to be doing they can become a negative.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will NEVER get to do what I want to do. Or that I will never reach my full potential. Right now, in my life, I have to learn how to prioritize differently and once I get that down and I get to where it is just second nature to meet Shane's needs and be the wife I need to be the rest will fall into place. Now, whether that means my "ambitions, desires, goals, and dreams" will shift to something else through the changes that take place, or whether I will find my time being more wisely used to the point where I have "spare" time to reach for those things has yet to be determined. All I know is that it feels so good to be doing things the way I was meant to be doing them and I am finding a lot more JOY filling my heart since just surrendering and letting go of how I THOUGHT it was supposed to be.
IN MY LIFE:
This has less to do with the ministry aspect and more with a personal one.
I have just been struggling off and on with the loss I faced this past fall. It has been so hard being away from those I cared about and even away from the church were I had grown so much. I was in a new church surrounded by completely new people and having to go through that feeling alone while not wanting to admit that because they are such loving and awesome people that surrounded us and loved on us each week. I still didn't really feel like I was "home" at that time. God brought an amazing couple into the picture and I was able make a friend (So hard for me to do). I am so blessed to have been able to build that relationship because God knew I desperately needed that as a "distraction" and as a part of my "edification". Through Danielle I have learned so much. She encourages me and pushes me. I am so blessed that God brought us together. Even now that she has moved away, we keep in touch and are going through a study together on being a godly wife. It has helped me with this whole "role seeking" trial I was going through with the new position and new church and even with trying to juggle two kids and a husband along the way. Basically, it has been one of the BEST studies I have done. (Probably, too, because I have actively been praying over this study each time I open the book up and asking God to just help me implement it in my life). Frankly, I knew I was headed down the path of bitterness and I knew that needed to change quickly. It wasn't anything anyone had done wrong (except myself), and the only place it would have led is disappointment, anger and frustration... if not pure destruction. I am so blessed. And today I can say I am so SO filled with true JOY! I am so EXCITED to see where God takes this life of mine. I am an empty shell just filled with anticipation on what God will flood my life with next. I no longer feel weighted down, sluggish and slow. I feel energized and ready for the day!
A DIFFICULT NOTE:
Speaking of the loss from the fall: I was working through some thoughts and wrote them down on a private blog but decided to share a piece of them here as well. You don't have to read them but for those of you who wish to;
Here is a glimpse into where I am at tonight:
My darling little one, as your due date draws ever nearer I am reminded more and more of the gaping absence of a swollen belly. The still absence of your wiggles and squirms. The thought of you not meeting me, or laying in my arms makes me sad and I cringe at how wrong it seems. On the same page, however, I realize that you were not meant to lay in my arms, you were not meant to be kissed by my lips. You were so special, God took you straight to His arms and into His loving embrace where He could kiss and comfort you and love on you.
And I am so HAPPY because of that.
You were BLESSED. And I am BLESSED to have known you as mine for even just that short time. Through realizing that as a gift, I must also realize that you were NEVER mine.
That is WHY I am reminded I am:
I am learning a lot about relying on God to just help me focus on what I need to do and letting go of worrying about the things I think others ought to be doing.
IN OUR CHURCH:
Shane and I have been so blessed to be serving at our new church home in Ohio. We have a great group of teenagers. A lot of young excitement (both from us as a young couple starting out in ministry, and from the teens who have been eager and excited for a "new" face and all the "new" and "different" possibilities that entailed).
A big role, I have discovered, for me is to be a wife first of all. I know this seems awfully straight forward, but for me it wasn't. I had all these thoughts of what a youth pastor's wife should be doing for the teen girls. I had all these visions of sleep overs and make-up and nail-polish and Sunday school lessons on boys, dating, modesty (and yes even the "s-word") and Bible and book studies with just the ladies focusing them on growing in their life and walk to be mature and godly women. Then REALITY struck. My duty was first of all to be the wife I needed to be. That included watching and caring for my sons so that my husband could speak and teach with the teens and not be distracted by our children. That meant that on Sunday evenings my focus was to keep my toddler quiet and out of the room as much as possible and the same on Wednesdays. I needed to separate myself from the teen group in order to perform my role effectively and right. That struck me at first as counter productive. I had felt so strongly that my duty was to the girls in the youth department. But the Bible has taught me differently and in resting in that I have found so much peace in the fact that I am usually out babysitting my son when I am at church. That is okay. That is what God called me to do at this point in my ministry. I am not robbing anyone of anything. I am not robbing myself of an opportunity to serve, the truth is, I am serving. I am serving in a big way, because I am humbly doing what no body else will do (or can do) and I am doing it despite what my desires might be. I have also found that, even though sometimes it has been an inner struggle, my desire has shifted and I am finding joy in doing what needs to be done to serve Shane to the best of my ability in that area. Playing blocks with J in the back room brings me joy because I know that Shane is out teaching and I have done all that I can do help him stay focused on the task at hand and in turn I am helping the teens by allowing the Spirit to work without the 30 lb distraction running a-muck in the room.
IN OUR HOME:
Another thing I am working on is prioritizing Shane above the boys. It is so easy for me to say "Dishes didn't get done because J was so fussy." or "C wanted to play these games and I needed to help him so we didn't get dinner together yet." I have learned over the years what some of Shane's priorities are when it comes to the house chores. When I was doing my priorities first or the boys priorities first it was not working. Now that i have begun doing things (as much as possible) the way Shane would want them done I am finding that life seems to go a lot smoother. It isn't so much that his way is the better way (Although he would probably say that. ;) ) It is because in doing it by his priorities I am avoiding a lot of the stress and friction that there was between us and in turn things just run a whole lot smoother. I have found that instead of trying to be brushing each other the wrong way, as the wife I am to be the submissive one and let go of MY way and go with the flow. It is SO much easier to just let go and ride the flow. You might think how simple that sounds, but as women today it is not. We have "rights" and we have "dreams" and "goals" and "ambitions". Those things aren't bad at all, but when they get in the way of doing what we need to be doing they can become a negative.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will NEVER get to do what I want to do. Or that I will never reach my full potential. Right now, in my life, I have to learn how to prioritize differently and once I get that down and I get to where it is just second nature to meet Shane's needs and be the wife I need to be the rest will fall into place. Now, whether that means my "ambitions, desires, goals, and dreams" will shift to something else through the changes that take place, or whether I will find my time being more wisely used to the point where I have "spare" time to reach for those things has yet to be determined. All I know is that it feels so good to be doing things the way I was meant to be doing them and I am finding a lot more JOY filling my heart since just surrendering and letting go of how I THOUGHT it was supposed to be.
IN MY LIFE:
This has less to do with the ministry aspect and more with a personal one.
I have just been struggling off and on with the loss I faced this past fall. It has been so hard being away from those I cared about and even away from the church were I had grown so much. I was in a new church surrounded by completely new people and having to go through that feeling alone while not wanting to admit that because they are such loving and awesome people that surrounded us and loved on us each week. I still didn't really feel like I was "home" at that time. God brought an amazing couple into the picture and I was able make a friend (So hard for me to do). I am so blessed to have been able to build that relationship because God knew I desperately needed that as a "distraction" and as a part of my "edification". Through Danielle I have learned so much. She encourages me and pushes me. I am so blessed that God brought us together. Even now that she has moved away, we keep in touch and are going through a study together on being a godly wife. It has helped me with this whole "role seeking" trial I was going through with the new position and new church and even with trying to juggle two kids and a husband along the way. Basically, it has been one of the BEST studies I have done. (Probably, too, because I have actively been praying over this study each time I open the book up and asking God to just help me implement it in my life). Frankly, I knew I was headed down the path of bitterness and I knew that needed to change quickly. It wasn't anything anyone had done wrong (except myself), and the only place it would have led is disappointment, anger and frustration... if not pure destruction. I am so blessed. And today I can say I am so SO filled with true JOY! I am so EXCITED to see where God takes this life of mine. I am an empty shell just filled with anticipation on what God will flood my life with next. I no longer feel weighted down, sluggish and slow. I feel energized and ready for the day!
A DIFFICULT NOTE:
Speaking of the loss from the fall: I was working through some thoughts and wrote them down on a private blog but decided to share a piece of them here as well. You don't have to read them but for those of you who wish to;
Here is a glimpse into where I am at tonight:
My darling little one, as your due date draws ever nearer I am reminded more and more of the gaping absence of a swollen belly. The still absence of your wiggles and squirms. The thought of you not meeting me, or laying in my arms makes me sad and I cringe at how wrong it seems. On the same page, however, I realize that you were not meant to lay in my arms, you were not meant to be kissed by my lips. You were so special, God took you straight to His arms and into His loving embrace where He could kiss and comfort you and love on you.
You were so special
God didn't want you on the earth for even one minute.
He didn't want your lungs to breathe in the polluted air.
He didn't want your hands to grasp at the dirty flesh of men.
He didn't want your eyes to look on the filth surrounding us here.
He wanted you to stay pure.
He wanted you to stay free.
He didn't want you to feel pain,
or to shed even one single tear.
He didn't desire you to grow old or weak.
He didn't want you to have to fret or fear for anything for any length of time.
You had no sickness, no diseases.
You never hungered or felt thirst.
You were BLESSED.And I am so HAPPY because of that.
You were BLESSED. And I am BLESSED to have known you as mine for even just that short time. Through realizing that as a gift, I must also realize that you were NEVER mine.
God allowed me to share in the WONDER that YOU ARE
because
HE is
AMAZING CREATOR,
FATHER,
MERCIFUL,
GRACIOUS,
ALL-POWERFUL,
OMNIPRESENT,
GIVER and TAKER of life.
And He is GOOD and FULL of LOVE for me and for you.
That is WHO my God is.
That is WHY I am reminded I am:
PRIVILEGED to have held you for those few weeks,
PRIVILEGED to have known you even existed!
PRIVILEGED to be able to find sorrow in the loss of you.
PRIVILEGED because God allowed it to be.
And all things He performs in our lives is for OUR GOOD and for HIS GLORY.
SO WE ARE PRIVILEGED INDEED!
Thursday, September 20, 2012
The Secret Loss
Some losses are public and hard to forget. Some are so tragic and heart breaking. Some happen in great earth shaking circumstances that can even change the direction of the world. However some losses are private, secret even. They happen when no body notices. By the time anyone realizes something is wrong they are already gone. I am talking about miscarriages.
On August 7th I was shocked to see two lines appear on my home pregnancy test. I didn't expect to be pregnant, nor did I think I wanted to be at this time in my life with all the changes already going on around me. However, I knew that I needed to trust God and that His plan was so much better than mine and as the days past I grew so much more excited and happy to have the opportunity to have three children in my life.
I was excited for my first appointment and nervous about a new doctor and a new town and new hospital, but I was excited all the same.
I grew a sweet tooth and a love for melon of any kind (as long as it was ripe and juicy!) I grew nauseous at smells and annoyed by gnats. I couldn't sleep and was uncomfortable from the start. My feet swelled slightly even with it being only the first month of knowing I was expecting. My appetite was up and so was my weight. But I couldn't wait for the first time I would hear that tiny heart beating and see my sweet little dot on the ultrasound.
As the week approached my boys got sick. Then I felt as though I had a fever. I took medicine and rested that weekend. Sunday night I felt cramping and began spotting. I wasn't too worried at first but it continued throughout the night and I began to fear the worst.
I called the doctor the next day and she offered to fit me in but I decided to wait since the day it was scheduled for would be better for us since we had the two boys and some other things going on (Like the fellowship meeting for one). I knew there would be nothing the doctor could do if the baby was already gone and if it wasn't gone I knew sitting in meetings wasn't going to cause it more damage and that I could always call back if I felt the need to move it closer.
I enjoyed the meeting and Monday I was not so concerned with the idea that the baby was gone. I was still believing there was a chance.
Tuesday night that changed. My thoughts during the meeting on Tuesday night were: "I am sitting here surrounded by people and I am loosing my baby with each passing minute and nobody knows." A secret loss is what I was facing.
As they began to sing the altar call "I Surrender All" I felt God tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Do you surrender?... Do you REALLY surrender it ALL to me?... Do you surrender your sweet baby to me?"
I said "NO GOD!.... I don't! I don't want to surrender that part of me! I don't want to let my baby go..." But as I said it in my mind, SCREAMING it to God I knew right than that I was wrong and what He asked was true. My baby was beyond my control. My baby wasn't mine to keep or protect or save. My baby was God's. He had blessed it to me. My baby was His to take or give when and why He wished. I cried and cried. I cried SO hard. I moaned and said "OH! GOD!" I didn't want to let go of what I was holding on. I was clinging to the strings of hope and trying to control what never was mine. I gave up control and gave Him it all. I begged him to let me hear the heart beat. I begged Him to allow me to keep the sweet baby safe inside. But I gave Him control once I begged and begged. And I left it all at His feet.
In the morning when we watched the pictures on the screen. The quiet silence filled the room despite the Tech's sweet voice. She filled the blaring silence with questions and typing hands and never allowed a pause to form. My husband didn't even catch what was wrong until we left the room. He asked me if it was too soon to hear that precious sound.
No. It wasn't too soon... it was too late. My precious baby was gone for good! The empty shell inside of me was all it left behind. We waited to be called and to be told the tragic news.
The aide was sweet and let me cry waiting patiently beside. She finished her questions and the doctor came in and told us what I already knew. She told me my baby most likely was gone several weeks before. In silence when no one knew my baby left this world! Before I even could have known that something was terribly wrong.
And that my friends is the secret loss. A loss that no body knows or feels, until the effects are felt and seen, the loss just goes unknown.
My baby is safe in God's strong arms. He rocks it to sleep for me. He holds its hand and wipes its tears even as He is wiping mine. He comforts it as He comforts me and holds us to His heart.
My God is good. Yes, all the time. My God is so good to me! I praise you God for your great love and what you have done for me! I thank you, my God, for loving me and letting me love this babe. I know you will keep and treasure it until eternity ends. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for this pain.
I learned to give my all to you. I learned to trust your plan. I thank you for this lesson Lord. Thank you for my babe.
On August 7th I was shocked to see two lines appear on my home pregnancy test. I didn't expect to be pregnant, nor did I think I wanted to be at this time in my life with all the changes already going on around me. However, I knew that I needed to trust God and that His plan was so much better than mine and as the days past I grew so much more excited and happy to have the opportunity to have three children in my life.
I was excited for my first appointment and nervous about a new doctor and a new town and new hospital, but I was excited all the same.
I grew a sweet tooth and a love for melon of any kind (as long as it was ripe and juicy!) I grew nauseous at smells and annoyed by gnats. I couldn't sleep and was uncomfortable from the start. My feet swelled slightly even with it being only the first month of knowing I was expecting. My appetite was up and so was my weight. But I couldn't wait for the first time I would hear that tiny heart beating and see my sweet little dot on the ultrasound.
As the week approached my boys got sick. Then I felt as though I had a fever. I took medicine and rested that weekend. Sunday night I felt cramping and began spotting. I wasn't too worried at first but it continued throughout the night and I began to fear the worst.
I called the doctor the next day and she offered to fit me in but I decided to wait since the day it was scheduled for would be better for us since we had the two boys and some other things going on (Like the fellowship meeting for one). I knew there would be nothing the doctor could do if the baby was already gone and if it wasn't gone I knew sitting in meetings wasn't going to cause it more damage and that I could always call back if I felt the need to move it closer.
I enjoyed the meeting and Monday I was not so concerned with the idea that the baby was gone. I was still believing there was a chance.
Tuesday night that changed. My thoughts during the meeting on Tuesday night were: "I am sitting here surrounded by people and I am loosing my baby with each passing minute and nobody knows." A secret loss is what I was facing.
As they began to sing the altar call "I Surrender All" I felt God tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Do you surrender?... Do you REALLY surrender it ALL to me?... Do you surrender your sweet baby to me?"
I said "NO GOD!.... I don't! I don't want to surrender that part of me! I don't want to let my baby go..." But as I said it in my mind, SCREAMING it to God I knew right than that I was wrong and what He asked was true. My baby was beyond my control. My baby wasn't mine to keep or protect or save. My baby was God's. He had blessed it to me. My baby was His to take or give when and why He wished. I cried and cried. I cried SO hard. I moaned and said "OH! GOD!" I didn't want to let go of what I was holding on. I was clinging to the strings of hope and trying to control what never was mine. I gave up control and gave Him it all. I begged him to let me hear the heart beat. I begged Him to allow me to keep the sweet baby safe inside. But I gave Him control once I begged and begged. And I left it all at His feet.
In the morning when we watched the pictures on the screen. The quiet silence filled the room despite the Tech's sweet voice. She filled the blaring silence with questions and typing hands and never allowed a pause to form. My husband didn't even catch what was wrong until we left the room. He asked me if it was too soon to hear that precious sound.
No. It wasn't too soon... it was too late. My precious baby was gone for good! The empty shell inside of me was all it left behind. We waited to be called and to be told the tragic news.
The aide was sweet and let me cry waiting patiently beside. She finished her questions and the doctor came in and told us what I already knew. She told me my baby most likely was gone several weeks before. In silence when no one knew my baby left this world! Before I even could have known that something was terribly wrong.
And that my friends is the secret loss. A loss that no body knows or feels, until the effects are felt and seen, the loss just goes unknown.
My baby is safe in God's strong arms. He rocks it to sleep for me. He holds its hand and wipes its tears even as He is wiping mine. He comforts it as He comforts me and holds us to His heart.
My God is good. Yes, all the time. My God is so good to me! I praise you God for your great love and what you have done for me! I thank you, my God, for loving me and letting me love this babe. I know you will keep and treasure it until eternity ends. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for this pain.
I learned to give my all to you. I learned to trust your plan. I thank you for this lesson Lord. Thank you for my babe.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Walking to the Next Step
We had an evangelist come fill the pulpit this Sunday while our pastor is out of town and my husband is at camp with the teens.
Expecting a message from an evangelist I was ready to be preached at. I love how passionate and how excited these preachers can be. I absolutely LOVE the way they bring hard truths and throw it in people's faces, and yet, do it in a way where people actually change, or at least desire the change.
This speaker was no different and impressed me tremendously with his great passion for the people in the room. He spoke and addressed some very tough issues in this church and I don't know that he even knew he was doing it.
God has a way of not wanting his people content with where they are at. He doesn't like people being okay with standing still. He is only okay with having them wait for the next step to be revealed but even them he does not like them only sitting idle. There is way too much to be done yet for the kingdom and WAY too little time to be doing it!
Even in my case, where I have made this great progress forward after a long waiting period, I need to be ever pushing towards the next thing God may be asking me to do. I need to be preparing and serving and working to reach the next level.
Now, the thing about this is that we live in a world of darkness. We are surrounded by this pitch black and the path in front of us is so narrow as the Perfect plan of God has no variation. The wisdom and Word of God act as a light to our feet.
Think of head lights on a vehicle on a dark and unlit road. You can see out several feet in front of you but you can't see any farther until you move farther down the road. We live in a pitch dark world with the light of God shinning in our lives and through our lives. We can see the parts he reveals to us and we need to step forward when he makes that step clear and only when we take that step can we expect him to reveal the next one. It is very rare for Him to reveal his whole plan to someone exactly how he plans for it to happen.
That is why we live through faith and seek His wisdom. It takes faith to keep stepping out not being sure of the outcome we cannot see. We have to trust and believe that what we have read and heard about God is true. We have to believe he has a perfect plan in place for our good and that he offers a more abandant life than even we could imagine for ourselves. It takes faith. God is a good father who gives good gifts. Next is the wisdom we need to ask for. We have to be ready and willing to ask for wisdom when we start allowing our own intellect to get in the way and we begin over thinking and under-achieving. Sometimes we get to the point where we think too much about what others might think of us acting before having the whole plan. God doesn't worry about what others think; He is waiting for us to obey and act and trust and move. God is wanting us to say "Here you go God. I am completely and utterly yours so do with me what you will and whatever you allow is good! May you alone be praised through it all."
Can you honestly say that is your prayer?
The evangelist did an alter call calling men and women to boldly say "I will step out to the next step in my life even though I can't see past it." women walked forward. I saw not one man move. The preacher stood on the pew and called men out. He asked them if they were honestly already doing all God asked them to do. Many shook their heads to say no. But none walked forward. The evangelist pleaded for change. I have never seen one so firm in the idea of the old time revivals where evangelist would literally go up to complete strangers and call them out. This man did and I believe the revival at this church in September got a very good jump start.
I am strongly praying that men will step up in this church and stop following the pressures of this town and start putting the priority on having their family in church and placing God above all else. I am praying teens will make decisions at camp to place God above their sports teams. As fun as sports are in high school it is but a fleeting season. God's truth and his teachings are life long!
I am desperately praying that Shane and I can be a part of seeing great change happen in this small town. I am praying that we can help move young people to become EXCITED about church and being involved in ministry more than about making the all-star team or starting in the football game. I am praying that perhaps they would be more excited about serving at junior camp or VBS or getting to go to Church camp than about going to football or volleyball camp in the summer time. Right now in our area sports are king. My desire is to see a shift towards the real King!
It won't happen overnight. But why not? Why not in little small town USA?Why not? Change can happen in America. Change can happen in our schools and on our streets and in our government but not if God's people aren't sold out for holiness, righteousness and not sold out for God himself.
Man did this turn preachy or what? I am passionate about this stuff. Blessing won't fall on America forever if we keep turning our back on God. One day God might say he is fed up and will there even be one "Moses" or "Abraham" there to plead on our behalf or will God's anger burn and rage against this country that shoved him aside for our own loves and lusts.
Fun times ahead for this ministry. I am so excited! Big things in store!
Expecting a message from an evangelist I was ready to be preached at. I love how passionate and how excited these preachers can be. I absolutely LOVE the way they bring hard truths and throw it in people's faces, and yet, do it in a way where people actually change, or at least desire the change.
This speaker was no different and impressed me tremendously with his great passion for the people in the room. He spoke and addressed some very tough issues in this church and I don't know that he even knew he was doing it.
God has a way of not wanting his people content with where they are at. He doesn't like people being okay with standing still. He is only okay with having them wait for the next step to be revealed but even them he does not like them only sitting idle. There is way too much to be done yet for the kingdom and WAY too little time to be doing it!
Even in my case, where I have made this great progress forward after a long waiting period, I need to be ever pushing towards the next thing God may be asking me to do. I need to be preparing and serving and working to reach the next level.
Now, the thing about this is that we live in a world of darkness. We are surrounded by this pitch black and the path in front of us is so narrow as the Perfect plan of God has no variation. The wisdom and Word of God act as a light to our feet.
Think of head lights on a vehicle on a dark and unlit road. You can see out several feet in front of you but you can't see any farther until you move farther down the road. We live in a pitch dark world with the light of God shinning in our lives and through our lives. We can see the parts he reveals to us and we need to step forward when he makes that step clear and only when we take that step can we expect him to reveal the next one. It is very rare for Him to reveal his whole plan to someone exactly how he plans for it to happen.
That is why we live through faith and seek His wisdom. It takes faith to keep stepping out not being sure of the outcome we cannot see. We have to trust and believe that what we have read and heard about God is true. We have to believe he has a perfect plan in place for our good and that he offers a more abandant life than even we could imagine for ourselves. It takes faith. God is a good father who gives good gifts. Next is the wisdom we need to ask for. We have to be ready and willing to ask for wisdom when we start allowing our own intellect to get in the way and we begin over thinking and under-achieving. Sometimes we get to the point where we think too much about what others might think of us acting before having the whole plan. God doesn't worry about what others think; He is waiting for us to obey and act and trust and move. God is wanting us to say "Here you go God. I am completely and utterly yours so do with me what you will and whatever you allow is good! May you alone be praised through it all."
Can you honestly say that is your prayer?
The evangelist did an alter call calling men and women to boldly say "I will step out to the next step in my life even though I can't see past it." women walked forward. I saw not one man move. The preacher stood on the pew and called men out. He asked them if they were honestly already doing all God asked them to do. Many shook their heads to say no. But none walked forward. The evangelist pleaded for change. I have never seen one so firm in the idea of the old time revivals where evangelist would literally go up to complete strangers and call them out. This man did and I believe the revival at this church in September got a very good jump start.
I am strongly praying that men will step up in this church and stop following the pressures of this town and start putting the priority on having their family in church and placing God above all else. I am praying teens will make decisions at camp to place God above their sports teams. As fun as sports are in high school it is but a fleeting season. God's truth and his teachings are life long!
I am desperately praying that Shane and I can be a part of seeing great change happen in this small town. I am praying that we can help move young people to become EXCITED about church and being involved in ministry more than about making the all-star team or starting in the football game. I am praying that perhaps they would be more excited about serving at junior camp or VBS or getting to go to Church camp than about going to football or volleyball camp in the summer time. Right now in our area sports are king. My desire is to see a shift towards the real King!
It won't happen overnight. But why not? Why not in little small town USA?Why not? Change can happen in America. Change can happen in our schools and on our streets and in our government but not if God's people aren't sold out for holiness, righteousness and not sold out for God himself.
Man did this turn preachy or what? I am passionate about this stuff. Blessing won't fall on America forever if we keep turning our back on God. One day God might say he is fed up and will there even be one "Moses" or "Abraham" there to plead on our behalf or will God's anger burn and rage against this country that shoved him aside for our own loves and lusts.
Fun times ahead for this ministry. I am so excited! Big things in store!
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
Missing Out (Overly Cautious and Disobedience)
You ever missed out on something fun as a kid because you disobeyed, or maybe you didn't trust what your parents were telling you. For example we tried and tried to get my preschooler into the pool at the beginning of the Summer. But he wouldn't get in. We went out there almost every other day and tried to coax him in. And each time when it was time to go inside he would cry and scream because he wanted to stay!
Tonight I was reading the recap of the Isrealites journey in the wilderness. They didn't trust what God had to say about it being a wonderful land. They didn't trust that he had their best interest at heart. And then when he decreed their punishment they were all the sudden eager and ready to go and in turn faced a horrible defeat.
I remember many times while growing up where I didn't want to obey my mom. I didn't want to clean my room or whatever it was and then she would tell me I was going to receive my punishment and I instantly changed my tune and thought that if I quickly ran and obeyed she would forget or dismiss my disobedience and forgo the punishment. My mother, however, inflicted the punishment due and I still had to go and complete the task I had failed to accomplish in the first place. Often, in prolonging the unpleasant task, I found my self missing out on something my sisters got to do because they had finished what they were asked to do when they were asked to do it.
Sometimes in life I have found God asks me to do something I don't want to do. Maybe it is because I don't feel comfortable doing it, maybe it doesn't flow with my plans, perhaps I am just plain scared to do it. But in choosing not to do it I not only face possible pain from my disobedience; I also face the knowledge that I missed out on the blessings that would have come from that plan God had for me. It could mean facing the last part of my life wandering in the dry and dusty desert hoping for a brighter future for my children's children instead of basking in a beautiful land being part of the most feared and blessed nation in all the world!
I for one pray every day that I do not miss out on the best God has for me and my family. It only took one angry moment for Moses to miss out on the beautiful land, he died after seeing the land from a far because of his disobedience and lack of confidence in God's leadership.
Pray for wisdom. Pray for guidance. Pray for discernment. Pray.
And move when God says move and wait when God says wait. Even if you don't see something coming there is a reason God is having you pause. So look both ways and listen and watch and don't go on until God says walk. And when he says walk, walk. Keep one foot in front of the other even when it gets rocky or foggy or hard. Walk on and keep looking ahead, as long as God is moving on. He has purpose and a plan. He has the direction and the destination. Just follow and let him lead you on.
Tonight I was reading the recap of the Isrealites journey in the wilderness. They didn't trust what God had to say about it being a wonderful land. They didn't trust that he had their best interest at heart. And then when he decreed their punishment they were all the sudden eager and ready to go and in turn faced a horrible defeat.
I remember many times while growing up where I didn't want to obey my mom. I didn't want to clean my room or whatever it was and then she would tell me I was going to receive my punishment and I instantly changed my tune and thought that if I quickly ran and obeyed she would forget or dismiss my disobedience and forgo the punishment. My mother, however, inflicted the punishment due and I still had to go and complete the task I had failed to accomplish in the first place. Often, in prolonging the unpleasant task, I found my self missing out on something my sisters got to do because they had finished what they were asked to do when they were asked to do it.
Sometimes in life I have found God asks me to do something I don't want to do. Maybe it is because I don't feel comfortable doing it, maybe it doesn't flow with my plans, perhaps I am just plain scared to do it. But in choosing not to do it I not only face possible pain from my disobedience; I also face the knowledge that I missed out on the blessings that would have come from that plan God had for me. It could mean facing the last part of my life wandering in the dry and dusty desert hoping for a brighter future for my children's children instead of basking in a beautiful land being part of the most feared and blessed nation in all the world!
I for one pray every day that I do not miss out on the best God has for me and my family. It only took one angry moment for Moses to miss out on the beautiful land, he died after seeing the land from a far because of his disobedience and lack of confidence in God's leadership.
Pray for wisdom. Pray for guidance. Pray for discernment. Pray.
And move when God says move and wait when God says wait. Even if you don't see something coming there is a reason God is having you pause. So look both ways and listen and watch and don't go on until God says walk. And when he says walk, walk. Keep one foot in front of the other even when it gets rocky or foggy or hard. Walk on and keep looking ahead, as long as God is moving on. He has purpose and a plan. He has the direction and the destination. Just follow and let him lead you on.
Monday, July 9, 2012
The Journey Moves Ahead
The long absence from posting on this blog is mainly due to a lack of motivation on my part to share the boring side of waiting on that next step.
My family tried out at some churches in May and were waiting to find out what would be decided with those. We were very excited about two of the opportunities that were presented to us and didn't want to be forced to say "No." to either one. So, the praying continued intensely for a position to be offered and in my mind and heart I prayed for only one to be offered. I knew which I felt was a better fit in my fleshly mind and spirit and I knew any of them would be a great opportunity for us. But prayer was all I could do. There was waiting and prayer. God had a plan and I knew that it may include a "No, not yet," answer from God which would place us back in the searching and seeking phase all over again. Well, after waiting we got word from one that they were hiring another family. The other answer was delayed and so prayer continued. Finally, one week before our lease was ending for our apartment we got word that we were being offered the position at the church where I had felt we fit in best. I was so overwhelmed with excitement. It felt like it was all going to fall into place. I know just getting a job is not a magic trick that will make all things turn out right, but after what felt like a very long pause we were finally on our way again!
In all the excitement and movement I don't want to overlook the wait. There is so much meaning in a pause when God is the one directing. I know in music, a composser uses rests to create beautiful phrases of melody or to bring a distinct separation in the flow. In turn it adds depth, character, and clarity to the piece. Looking at this waiting phase I can see many things I was taught. Patience on God's perfect timing is so vital. God is working a perfect plan for my life and rushing into something only means all the pieces aren't going to fit as well as if one waits for His timing to be perfect and for His plan to be perfected.
I was also taught that God has purpose in let downs. I believe that in my discouraging times God was preparing my heart for the ministry He was preparing for me. God softened my heart for teen girls very slowly each time we would visit a church or when I would observe in the youth group at my home church. I was being softened and changed. I went from desiring to keep my distance to desiring to share my experiences. I began wanting to open up and in turn I was pleasantly "surprised" to have some of them open up in return.
In the wait I was able to learn that teenage girls may seem very together on the outside (some even more than me as the adult) and yet inside they are struggling with feelings and circumstances just like anybody else, sometimes (most times) even more so.
In the waiting I found an excitement in the thought of getting to work with this age group and to be able to encourage them, knowing that God would empower me with all I would need in order to do the ministry He had for me. God was preparing me.
I also learned to open up. I confided in some wonderful women at my church and always knew I could go to them for anything I may need prayer for. I knew very well that they would be praying for and with me in all things I asked. They shared wisdom with me and I learned to love those moments in the church hallway and always found a sigh of relief once I reached their listening ears and they would bow their head and take my need right then to the Lord. I also found myself asking questions of the youth Pastor's wife there at my church. I found many similarities in her answers about her life and desires. I gleaned several insights into ministry in general and learned how God can take and mold the ministry desires of a wife to her husband's and works them together in harmony and unity even when they weren't thinking on the same page to begin with.
We used the wait to grow and stretch our faith and we learned and gained knowledge while attending our "home" church. We were so blessed to be fed spiritually by a great staff and a wonderful pastor who cares genuinely for us as a couple and family, not just a number or faces in a crowd.
We have said goodbye to that chapter of waiting and yearning now and the steps have been coming at us. We are so excited and thrilled for what God has for us here in this ministry and we can't wait for the next steps of this journey to get underway.
Here we go!
My family tried out at some churches in May and were waiting to find out what would be decided with those. We were very excited about two of the opportunities that were presented to us and didn't want to be forced to say "No." to either one. So, the praying continued intensely for a position to be offered and in my mind and heart I prayed for only one to be offered. I knew which I felt was a better fit in my fleshly mind and spirit and I knew any of them would be a great opportunity for us. But prayer was all I could do. There was waiting and prayer. God had a plan and I knew that it may include a "No, not yet," answer from God which would place us back in the searching and seeking phase all over again. Well, after waiting we got word from one that they were hiring another family. The other answer was delayed and so prayer continued. Finally, one week before our lease was ending for our apartment we got word that we were being offered the position at the church where I had felt we fit in best. I was so overwhelmed with excitement. It felt like it was all going to fall into place. I know just getting a job is not a magic trick that will make all things turn out right, but after what felt like a very long pause we were finally on our way again!
In all the excitement and movement I don't want to overlook the wait. There is so much meaning in a pause when God is the one directing. I know in music, a composser uses rests to create beautiful phrases of melody or to bring a distinct separation in the flow. In turn it adds depth, character, and clarity to the piece. Looking at this waiting phase I can see many things I was taught. Patience on God's perfect timing is so vital. God is working a perfect plan for my life and rushing into something only means all the pieces aren't going to fit as well as if one waits for His timing to be perfect and for His plan to be perfected.
I was also taught that God has purpose in let downs. I believe that in my discouraging times God was preparing my heart for the ministry He was preparing for me. God softened my heart for teen girls very slowly each time we would visit a church or when I would observe in the youth group at my home church. I was being softened and changed. I went from desiring to keep my distance to desiring to share my experiences. I began wanting to open up and in turn I was pleasantly "surprised" to have some of them open up in return.
In the wait I was able to learn that teenage girls may seem very together on the outside (some even more than me as the adult) and yet inside they are struggling with feelings and circumstances just like anybody else, sometimes (most times) even more so.
In the waiting I found an excitement in the thought of getting to work with this age group and to be able to encourage them, knowing that God would empower me with all I would need in order to do the ministry He had for me. God was preparing me.
I also learned to open up. I confided in some wonderful women at my church and always knew I could go to them for anything I may need prayer for. I knew very well that they would be praying for and with me in all things I asked. They shared wisdom with me and I learned to love those moments in the church hallway and always found a sigh of relief once I reached their listening ears and they would bow their head and take my need right then to the Lord. I also found myself asking questions of the youth Pastor's wife there at my church. I found many similarities in her answers about her life and desires. I gleaned several insights into ministry in general and learned how God can take and mold the ministry desires of a wife to her husband's and works them together in harmony and unity even when they weren't thinking on the same page to begin with.
We used the wait to grow and stretch our faith and we learned and gained knowledge while attending our "home" church. We were so blessed to be fed spiritually by a great staff and a wonderful pastor who cares genuinely for us as a couple and family, not just a number or faces in a crowd.
We have said goodbye to that chapter of waiting and yearning now and the steps have been coming at us. We are so excited and thrilled for what God has for us here in this ministry and we can't wait for the next steps of this journey to get underway.
Here we go!
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