A Note about Marriage

Recently I came upon a post about another marriage falling to pieces. Young children, new stressors, and differences in opinion on what was important in each of the spouses' lives were driving them apart. It broke my heart. Then other people, believers and non, were commenting about how she needed to get out or that she needed to do what made her happy. How it was about her life and what was best for her and her kids... I have heard it before. But I feel like as a believer marriage should be so, SO much more steadfast then it is. It is so much more important. It should mean so much more.

Marriage is not about being "Happy" every day... you have to choose to have joy... it is not natural to just automatically be happy every day with how your life is... it is not natural to have the same feelings you had when you were newlyweds... Marriage is about choosing to LOVE... and Choosing to find joy in the way your life is... and CHOOSING To better yourself in order to be better for the other person. It is putting what THEY need before what you think you need. Sometimes that ends up being a one way street if the other person is not all in for some reason or another... And that is one reason why marriages fail SO much. Both people have to be willing so sacrifice and love despite the others faults and shortcomings. And it stinks sometimes. In my marriage there are times I choose to stick it out and work on what I can work on and pray for him to change and to get out of his funk as soon as possible. I am sure he could say the same at times about me needing a heart change. We each have had stretches of discontentment/selfishness thankfully we don't speak about divorce and made that commitment to each other before we even said "I do".

We will be sticking out the rough times "for better or worse" is what we vowed... and thankfully we both are on the same page about that.

Faithfulness is a Godly attribute, Love is God, Joy is only from God... selflessness... or putting your spouse first... So many people talk about putting their kids first, no wonder your spouse feels less important in your life! No wonder unbelievers have such a hard time to grasp the concept of lasting marriages they fail to understand the God who created marriage and who is the living example of the fulfillment of the attributes needed for a successful marriage!

So many believers fall into the trap as well. They feel "unhappy", "underappreciated", "disrespected"... Maybe they said different vows than I did. I remember saying "For better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer...until death..." Were those just words? Did they only apply if my husband became a successful professional with a steady income full of security and stability? Did it only apply if I, as the wife, grew to be the June Cleaver of the neighborhood who could manage to rear my little ones without burning dinner or leaving dishes in the sink and unfolded laundry sitting in mountains while looking put together when my husband walks in the door night after night with no complaining of needing an escape (or break)? What about when my dreams change and I decide I don't want to be a stay at home mom but would like to pursue a career? What if my dreams don't line up when his? Surely it doesn't apply then... Or does it? Did it mean only when both of us are pulling our weight? Or when both of us felt like it?

Please don't misunderstand, there are things that you may need to seek help about in your marriage. There are things you may need to get away from that are IMPORTANT to not write off as "this is my lot in life... my burden to bear..." Please get help if you need it. I also realize there are times when you cannot stop the other person from giving up. You can do all you can but you cannot change what they do. But when it comes to your "feelings" changing... REALLY?! Seek God! Seek Him only for the things you need. Your spouse will FAIL YOU if you are putting all your trust and hope in them! They are HUMAN. God will make even the best of them fail you if He needs to in order to turn your trust and faith back to Him. He is the ONLY unfailing rock... The ONLY steadfast in this life.

Fearfully and Wonderfully

Sometimes there is a place where as a mom you have to say "I Don't KNOW?!"
I was placed in that situation and it humbled me with a realization that I truly was left without an answer. My sweet middle child is a handful. He has ALWAYS been a handful. He has always been physical, sometimes to the point of harm to himself or others. We have realized that he cannot control it once is reaches a point and there is nothing to be done about it then except for getting him calm as quickly and safely as possible. When I am with him at home I put him on his bed or the couch away from others but as he becomes more independent he also is away from me more often and usually in a room full of other children. I was approached a couple times in a short time span with the question: How do you handle your child when he has a meltdown/tantrum? What warning signs are there that he is beginning to meltdown?

Both times I had to look at them defeated and say "I don't know." I don't have the answers. I really wish I did. I really, REALLY wish I did! What works one day doesn't seem to work the next time. Just trying to judge if he is throwing a tantrum because he didn't get what he wants or if he actually is melting down and is physically unable to bring himself back are both fighting in my mind when it happens. I don't want to punish him for something he is unable to control BUT I don't want to be lenient on a child who is just pushing buttons for what he wants and encourage his behavior by not squelching it. We had been doing everything in our power to punish the "tantrums". When nothing works over and over again no matter how consistent and severe the punishment our eyes were really opening to the possibility that something may really be wrong. It is only recently that we became aware that he is physically unable to bring himself back and control the outbursts. He has actually shown me a couple times that he has no memory of the event that had just happened. It was eye opening. He has told me during an episode where I gave him sufficient time and security to answer me "I can't calm down!" or "I don't know how to stop!" and it truly breaks his heart. I have only just begun trying to work at ways to help him calm back down. I usually can avoid a big meltdown by keeping our routine and setting timers for activities so testing the calming methods has been slow and I still don't have my answers. I feel like I should know. That I should have a perfect (or at least almost perfect) knowledge of my (almost) 5 year old child. But I am having to play it by ear and do trial and error problem solving because apparently God didn't remember to send me the manual for this child! I sit and scratch my head and am daily reminded that kids have their own personalities and they aren't all going to fit in what people might think is a perfect mold. Some of them cannot fit in even if they wanted to!
So, no, I don't know my child. But I know the one who made him EXACTLY how he is. I know the one who made him especially special and I know HE knows how my sweet baby works. I have to faithfully lean on the knowledge of His faithfulness to complete the work HE began in my baby boy.

This was written in a time of frustration and confusion for this mama. And a time of frustration and confusion for my sweet boy. He came to me, pure frustration in his face and he stomped his foot and clenched his fists and said, "Mama, you just never understand me! You just don't understand anything I say all the time!" I scooped him up in my lap and hugged him so tightly and said that I understood everything he said but sometimes my answer still had to be the thing he didn't want me to say. Sometimes you can't have what you think you NEED. He got down and lay back in his bed. A couple minutes later he hopped up quick and ran on his tiptoes over to lay his head on my lap, "Mama, i am sorry for being bad boy all the time. I am sorry for all the bad all the days!"
My eyes began to tear up and I just as quickly pulled him up to his feet and grabbed him in a hug and I told him "You are not a bad boy. You sometimes do things that are bad but you also do things that are sweet and good. And I love you no matter what you do." We don't know where this is going to take us and J. We are at the beginning of yet another journey with him. One step at a time. That is all we can do. It is all we can ever do.

Tantrums?, meltdowns?,
Confusion?, fear?
Bad boy, poor boy
Sweet boy, Mean?
Precious, Sick?
Perfect, Broken?
Lost, Nonverbal,
"I can't calm down", Relax!
Fidget, Frightened,
Focus, Safe.
Cuddled, Separated,
Zoned, Calm.
Change, Unexpected,
Mistake, Screaming!
Kicking, Biting,
Flailing, Collapse.
Weigh down, Bear Hug,
No Touch?, Safe touch?,
Cuddled, quiet,
Sorry, Love me.
Always, always love,
Special, Sweet,
All the time, Love!
Even when, Love.

The Grip of Fear and the Gift of Peace

I just attended a Bible study on God being our comforter. We heard about fear and how it is such a natural response to trials and difficulty. How often I have let fear control my reaction to unforseeable events! How often I give it ground when my life begins to spiral downhill! Just because I cannot see the end result and feel lost, confused, or hopeless in any given situation I grab onto Fear who is always very near by.

What I have been learning through the past years is that God offers peace that is standing right beside us just as much as the flesh stands next to fear. We have the choice placed before us with each crisis and situation. We can grab hold of fear and allow it to swallow us up, or we can grab tight to God’s peace and be comforted in the midst. Grabbing onto fear is easy. It naturally grabs our hand in all of those circumstances. It takes hold of us and it is just natural that we would grasp it as the jolt of the unexpected hits us. It's hand is comfortable to us. But God’s peace is right beside us too. It holds out its hand as it is not one to force itself onto anybody. It simply offers us a place to grab tight to. The problem is that if our hands of our hearts are filled with the fear we are clinging to we have no place to grab tight to peace and he simply stands there waiting. Fear engulfs us if we are not careful. We get lost in it: making plans, “fixing” problems, and fretting, and worrying, and stressing. Our stomaches flip and hearts race. Soon enough we find that we are so blinded and trapped. We become unable to break free from the grip of fear on our own.

What happens if we choose to let go of the grip of fear in the beginning (The sooner the better)? The letting go is the hardest step. We need something to grasp and Man! fear is right there! But if we let go and choose to grab onto God’s peace instead we are wrapped in the comfort that only God can give us. It is a peace that floods over us. It does not make everything go away. It does not give us immunity from the trial or hardship. Instead, it gives us the strength of God to make it through whatever may lie ahead. It floods our soul with hope, love, and power. The comfort takes us to deliverance from the trial, through the trial, or because of the trial. Regardless of how we are delivered we can know that if we are relying on God’s peace and comfort we will be delivered to His perfect will for us if that mean victory through healing, through suffering, or even through death.

I stand at a crossroads each and every time God places or allows a trial to enter my life: I can forget the hand of God and try to work through it on my own before finally being forced to bend to the will of God or break, or I can make a tough first move and release my grip on fear and reach to grab the hand of peace offered to me relaxing in the comfort of my God and Savior. Why do I so often choose to attempt to find relief on my own allowing fear and the flesh to over-power me until I am broken even more when I finally give in to God and his will and plan? It is so foolish  of me, and yet, I find myself down that road over and over again! How quickly I forget His promises!

I have a child with a disease. It is not a horrible illness as far as life expectancy and quality are concerned, but it is something he will battle his entire life. A four-year-old should not have to fight chronic pain, fatigue, arthritis and varying GI issues. He is going to begin school in the fall and each day it becomes more real to me and I allow fear to grab hold sometimes. I fear what might happen if he flares up while his dad and I are working and he is stuck at school where we cannot get there fast enough to rescue him. I fear what his classmates will say or think. I fear what he might feel the frist time he has an accident and has to go to the nurse’s office to get cleaned up and changed. I fear what he will do that first time he gets a teacher that doesn’t understand that when he has to go to the bathroom there is no waiting until another child returns or until the lesson is finished. I fear what will happen the first time he lashes out in a tantrum and no one understands what to do with him as he emotionally looses control and his senses seem to shut down. I fear it! I fear it A LOT! I want to give him the chance to go to school; to enjoy being like big brother. I want to give him the chance to be normal. But another part of me screams “KEEP HIM HOME! KEEP HIM SAFE!” Then I have to remember God’s peace. I have to hold onto that. I have to daily choose to let go of fear’s comfortable hand and grab tight to Peace! It is the only way comfort can truely flood my soul. It is the only way that God can have total control. What is a constant reminder to me is that my sweet son was named perfectly for this journey we never dreamed we would go on. His precious name means “God’s peace”. So every time I whisper his name as I hold him tight trying to comfort him in a moment of total meltdown, every time I yell at him to stop hitting his brothers, and every time I call his name to bring his focus back to me I am reminded that God’s peace is all that I need to get through it. God’s peace is all that he needs as he learns to manuver through this thing that is his life. God’s perfectly wonderful peace that surpasses all understanding will be with us wherever we go.

Anticipation.

This time of year is crazy and wonderful all at the same time. We go around with so many thoughts and ideas and plans. Sometimes we get lists checked off just to realize we have added ten more things at the end. Every time I have gone shopping I get what is on my list and wind up with extra stuff as well. Then upon arriving home S asks if I remembered to get something and I realize I missed something else.
The boys are no different. They wrote their lists (or told me what they wanted). I was genuinely surprised and thankful for how brief they were. They picked what they wanted down to three simple things. I was pretty impressed until I realized that they really don't understand how to be greedy to that degree yet because they are just now getting the idea of making Christmas lists. As the days counted down they would begin slowly thinking of other items for their lists.
J is adamantly wanting a bad king for their little people nativity set. I tried explaining that they don't make a bad king for the nativity but he doesn't seem to understand why King Herod would not be included in the children's play set.
It is interesting how most things that God places on my heart come through things my sweet boys say. God just uses them in that amazing capacity and I am awestruck by His work through them. It isn't usually something profound that they say or do but it will hit me as profound later on as God touches me heart with it.
Like everybody who celebrates Christmas we look forward to the day. The boys count down the days and anxiously watch the calendar. I fielded questions from C over and over again about the other December holidays and his insistent "Can I just have my presents now?", "Why do you have to wrap the gifts anyways?", "Why do we just open one present on Christmas eve?". It his his way to tell me he is excited and anxious just like every other child who knows what Christmas day brings. This honestly is the first year he has shown this anticipation to such a degree and I was pretty shocked at what a difference there was this year. I do not think it is bad by any means. He is just purely excited for the day to get here. The questions that prompted this post, however, were "Why can't Christmas just come today? Why do we have to wait so long for Christmas?" I immediately thought of the Israelites waiting for Christmas to come in the Bible. The long awaited Christ-child. I asked C how many days we had left to wait. Then I asked him if he knew how long the Israelites had to wait for Christmas to come. Over 400 years from the time of the prophecies to the Messiah's birth! It went over his head for the most part but he understood that a matter of days compared to 400 years is nothing.
As I began to process the thoughts in my mind tonight I began to think about how we prepare for Christmas. We decorate our homes with lights and colors. The baking and smells that fill our homes are so wonderful. Scent of spices and fir tree flood the air. A roaring fire for those lucky enough to have cold enough weather to enjoy it (and a fireplace). We buy gifts and hide them until we can wrap them in beautiful paper and tie ribbon bows around them. We have office parties, church fellowships and get-togethers with friends. We celebrate with carols and music that fills our hearts. Advent calendars count us down to one of the best days of all.
The Jews did not know which day Jesus would be born. They did not have a countdown calendar. But they waited and waited, and longed for the gift of Christmas. And they almost missed it.
Sometimes in all our anticipation we miss it too.
We wrap gifts for others under our tree. We put pretty paper on them and tie even better bows. We trim our trees with colors and lights. Jesus came in the middle of the night. He was wrapped in rags and laid in the hay. Angels filled the sky to be sure that his coming was not missed. Can you imagine what a sight that must have been?!
Anticipation should fill us still and push us to act towards preparedness. We have time to prepare our homes for Christmas but in all that doing do we forget to prepare our hearts as well? We are rushing around to get done before it is too late and, sure enough, soon it will be too late.
What about our anticipation for Christ's return. We are waiting and waiting. Have we lost our anticipation? Have we stopped preparation? Will we miss the signs as the town of Bethlehem did that night until the Shepherds knocked on the doors and shouted in the streets of the Messiah they had seen.
Will we fail to make room?
Christmas is coming... in the fullness of time. Are you living in anticipation?

Pause is ALWAYS for Our Good

Sometimes it takes a trial to point you in the direction you are supposed to go. It takes breaking our "plan" and diverting our "list" and pushing our "deadlines". Sometimes we think what SHOULD happen based on what we see today and tell God how the plan works instead of asking, listening and trusting Him who sees the complete picture. (Thank you Miss Stephanie for expressing my thoughts in a clear way).

I don't know why it is so hard to let go and let God. It is all about surrender. It's not about WHAT we are willing to surrender because the answer should ALWAYS be our ALL. He already commanded it. So not giving our all is actually disobedience (An area I fail at daily). The question shouldn't even be there. As a believer our ALL should have already been given to God and yet He knew it would be a constant struggle. His word points us to daily die to self (1 Cor. 15:31), to daily pick up our cross (Luke 9:23), to daily fix our trust. It is a process. There is no immediate eternal fix for life. The immediate eternal fix is for death. Life is a process, a war that is constantly being waged one battle and skirmish at a time both in our minds and hearts as well as in the invisible realm around us (Eph. 6:12). We have to get up each day prepared and ready to face attacks from all sides. We have to be prepared for times of trials where we will be strengthened and stretched.

God never promises an easy life for believers. He promises hope. He promises that if we follow Him with our all there will be a perfect work in the end. He promises eternity. (Jer. 29:11)

I did not mean to leave a feeling of uncertainty in my previous post. I was simply sharing a time of pause in my crazy life where I was really not sure what God was doing or what he wanted from me. I in no way felt defeated and the anxiety I probably normally would have felt was actually minimal. God has brought us through much worse and I could simply find rest in that. I just knew God had something, God had some reason (More than just to give me time to organize the Lego bin for 3 days straight only to have the boys dump them together in the search for the "missing piece" three days later).

Sometimes the greatest parts of His plan are revealed in those times he makes us stop in our tracks. I had to stop what I was doing and reevaluate what God might be having me do. A really great thing came out of this. It allows me more time with my family while still contributing to the family financially. A real blessing. I love what I do. I love helping people. I love being hands and feet to those that need them. I love being there and listening when I have time. I love sitting and holding their hands when their families can't (or won't), 

So do not borrow worry from me. There is absolutely NO reason. Our family is fine. Our bills got paid. Next month we will have new bills. They will get paid too (whether they get paid the way we planned or the way God plans). We are always safely held in His hands and are trying to be guided by His perfect plan and His perfect timing.

This Crazy Thing Called Life

I have fallen into a routine of not having a routine. It gets me into trouble more times than not. I was working overtime hours and have all the sudden found myself a stay at home mom temporarily again out of circumstances beyond my control. Thankfully it is simply a matter of wadding through some government tape and I will (should) be back on my way.

Sometimes it seems like life should be so simple. Everything is going along (running as smoothly as can be expected) and then POW! out of no where a lineman hits you from your blind side! I think "Seriously God, You couldn't just let this alone for a little while... I was FINALLY starting to see how you were fitting us all together again since the last time this happened!"

Thankfully I have been through this sort of "weak-side tackle" before and know that the end result is usually a less-weak defense that can deflect/ defuse attacks from that angle the next time when it is the enemy who attempts the sac. God is preparing me and has shaped me to see a BIGGER picture. There is so much I could be stressed about right now. I could be scared about how bills will be paid, how rent will be met when our largest income is basically tanked for a couple weeks. All in all I have to rely on God. I have to trust him to get us through and believe that he has power and a purpose in it. I have really tried to enjoy these days with my boys. I have soaked in the fact that I have a rare pause in my overly busy schedule to just refocus and re-evaluate. I was able to attend Bible study at church with the other ladies knowing that if I had worked my hours that would probably not have happened. I focused some creativity and got some much needed hobby time in. I have also been in a deeper valley than this before and God raised us up and we tried to learn. This time it is not nearly as dark and it is not nearly as scary.

I have so so much to thank God for that is incredibly ridiculous to even think about being anxious for anything! My God has this. He has had this from the beginning of time and he will still have it throughout eternity.

Bible study this week was on being scared. We get so caught up in the fears and "what ifs" and what the author called "invisible thoughts of others"... and we can't even move. We won't go another step.

I fear a lot of things. I fear people's thoughts of me. I am so paralyzed by what people might think if I do something different or if I am socially awkward. I had an opportunity to sign up for a meal for a mom of a newborn through my church. At first I went right away to the sign-up sheet and the day I could do it was open. I clicked to start filling in the blank and it asked me what I would bring. I wrote something down, erased it...wrote something else, erased it... went back and looked at what other people were bringing. I saw they were bringing a main dish, side and dessert. I don't do dessert very often nor very well. I thought of just not doing a dessert and then thought that might not be acceptable. (SEE FEAR OF WHAT OTHERS THINK!) So instead of being a blessing by just taking what I could I allowed fear to rob me of that chance. The blank was filled in by someone else and soon all the blanks were filled.

It was brought up that I sing (have sung) in church. At first I wanted to run and hide. I am so afraid of messing up. I am so afraid of not living up to expectations of others or of myself. Thankfully I am going to try to do it again and to get back into that routine. I have to let go of fear.

I also fear failure. I have to retake an exam I took 7 years ago. I left my book in Ohio. Believe me I had kept everything! I had all my tests from the class and notes. All of it gone. So I have been online studying for hours and borrowed a book for a couple hours and stared at it. I feel scared to fail. I feel frozen. I can't just throw up my hands and say I won't go through with it. I need to just do my best pass or fail but at least I can say I tried. Doing is so much better than NOT doing. Trying is better than NOT trying.

I think of one of my boys favorite movies UP. "Adventure is out there!" If we do nothing we get nothing in return. You have to GO, DO, and TRY to enjoy the adventure that God has for you.

Everything is on the Up 'n Up (Even in Downs you Look Up!)

So much has been going on in our lives! Just a few months time and we are looking at quite a difference. In the last update I mentioned that we had found a home that we moved into. We moved once more since then to a nice complex of quad-plexes. The rent is better and the location and maintenance is better. The space is about the same. We have two bedrooms and a nice open yard area right outside our door which is really nice with the boys.

Boys playing in out new yard!

J prepping for his MRE

My little J is still battling medical issues. He was diagnosed with Inflammatory Bowel Disease this spring. He recently had an MRE to check for hidden inflammation and they found no more areas than the one we knew about in his colon. But they found inflamed lymph-nodes which more than likely is no reason for concern but it meant a follow-up ultrasound in hopes that we could avoid a CT to check them out. We had the ultrasound and are now waiting on results. A CT would mean that he would need put under and since he was just under for the MRE it is more dangerous to put him under that again too quickly unless it is absolutely necessary. He is also showing slightly elevated liver enzymes that we are needing to have monitored. It has been a balancing act since the diagnosis. Fatigue gets him some days and sometimes it is the constant urgency to get to the bathroom. Thankfully there has only been a handful of times where he actually complained of tummy pain. I am blessed by that. To be honest I have several concerns (read: fears) for his future. But I also have so much to be thankful for in all of this. There is much worse that could be. And even in the worst I would have only one option: Cling to God and His perfect plan and perfect time and perfect peace. Everything is out of my control. Even what I think I can control I can't.




My husband also accepted a part-time youth pastor position with a local church. What was nice about the position is that we did not have to move again, nor did we have to give up our jobs that we had found. I (for obvious reasons) was hesitant to jump back into a new position with a new church and new pastor. Shane had come to me one evening and mentioned there was a local church looking for a youth pastor. All I could think of was "No! I am not ready to fail again!" But instead the words "Whatever you feel God is telling you to do is okay with me." And S sent his application and resume and said we would just wait and see what happened. If the door opened it would open and if not than we were fine where we were. Then the call came. I was not really expecting it to come and if you could have seen my heart and mind you would have seen this THICK and HARD layer of protection (Also known as: FEAR and DOUBT). BUT when we visited the church and ate a meal with the pastor and his wife at their home; when I attended Ladies Bible Study and heard the women speak; when I saw the boys interact with the children's teachers and the children's pastor I felt so much PEACE. It was just like the covering of doubt just began to drop off of me one giant chunk at a time. I told Shane after one of our visits to the church that I thought it was somewhere I would love to go even if they were not offering us a position. The amount of young families and the ministry opportunities was exciting.  The leadership and how MANY people were leading and organizing the ministries was inspiring. I loved how the youth were involved in many of the ministries and not just solely focused on their class and the youth activities. It was a church that got involved together.
One of my big pushes was how the youth were already used to being servants for other areas in the church. Also notable to me was the focus on growth and accountability of the leadership in the church (INCLUDING the WIVES of the leaders and WOMEN in leadership positions). I believe strongly that to grow leaders and ministers you need to begin by teaching young people what it means to serve and to do outreach. And wives need encouragement and accountability and a time they can fellowship with other women.

S and the boys

Since joining the church I have begun building some relationships. It is beginning over with relationships and that part is hard. Being open without being overly open to the point I am overwhelming is a balancing act that I have not perfected AT all. I always tend to be stand-offish or "shy" almost when really I am just not sure how to approach someone without opening up all my cans of worms at once! From reading some articles my mom has shared I believe it is (at least partially) to blame on my being a missionary kid. But hopefully I can learn that just because someone says "Hey, how are you?" It does not mean to delve into my ENTIRE life story and talk their ears off...
Obviously this is a journey that goes on and on. It is filled with ups and downs. Right now we feel like we are on an up, and it is very nice to feel that way. Some days I dread that down that could be right around the corner and I try to guess at which direction it may come to us. But in doing that I know I fail to hold to God's hand and just simply trust Him with all that is next. He has more than abundantly shown us what mighty perfection he has in the ups and downs of this journey.