One mythical creature I have been "fascinated by" (for lack of a better phrase) is the phoenix. A bird who grows ugly and frail only to explode in flames and become a heap of ashes. Soon a new and beautiful bird emerges from the ashes, young and full of life.
It is about new beginnings, Old things disappear. New life.
A week before this Christmas things were going along just as they had been. We were still living with my sweet in-laws. It was getting trying at times, just from cramped space and no privacy. After 6 months it was starting to get to us all in some way. Thankfully we had Jesus on our side and it was probably one of the only things that kept us all speaking and working through differences and loving on one another. I was still working full time, Shane was working opposite shift so that we didn't need to pay for childcare, but our relationship was needing some cultivating. I would see him a few moments when I got home. Usually long enough to ask how the kids were and give a kiss goodbye. I was irritated at him for a few things, mostly I just wanted a home and to get moving in what I thought was the "right" direction. I felt upset about some things and felt that in a way this was "all his fault". I had recognized my mistake and the bitterness I was unfairly harboring against him without having talked it through with him. I had also acknowledged it as sin and confessed it not too long before this. There were still no real strong prospects were available for a home and we were just looking to get through the Holidays and tackle it full on after that. And as far as our relationship I was going to "try" to remember "this too shall pass" and work on my end and do what I could to work on my feelings and capturing each thought and filtering it through the Scripture. I had met with one pastor's wife to just discuss my role in marriage and what I should be doing and how to focus on love being "work" sometimes and that still being okay.
On my way to work (around 4 in the morning) December 18th I hit ice and rolled my vehicle a few (to several) times in the ditch. That morning I had not kissed Shane goodbye. I had not been in a good mood. All I could get out of my mouth as spun into the ditch and was rolling was to cry out "Please God! Please God!" over and over and over again. Even when the car came to a rest the words were still being whispered on my lips with every breath I said it OVER and OVER and OVER. I am not sure what I was praying. "Please God, not like this!", "Please God, I am not ready.", "Please God, don't take me from my babies.", "Please God, I want to do more with my life!" I thought I had more to do. I have plans I have not even pursued! "Please God..." that is all I could say. That is all that would come out. OVER and OVER and OVER... "Please". My purse had been slung on the passengers seat. All I could do was think "Get my phone..." Four in the morning on a country road... not many people would be passing by. I realized my phone was in my pocket of my coat (thank you Lord) instead of in my purse or laying on the seat. But my seat belt was restricting me from reaching it so I unfastened it. That is when I realized I had landed upside down and had been hanging. Don't know protocol in an accident but I figured I had better call for help. Used my emergency dialing on my phone's lock screen and called Shane. I didn't know if I was loosing blood or if I would loose consciousness so I wanted someone to know I was out there quickly. He said he loved me. I said I loved him and we both called 911. I didn't loose consciousness though I know I talked WAY TOO much trying to keep myself awake. I felt so tired. Later found out I had lost quite a bit of blood from a gash behind my ear. Walking away from that crash changed perspective for me. Petty things don't really matter! I have a family who loves me. Generous family and friends who surround me. Coworkers who I didn't know really cared, REALLY cared!
The next week was Christmas. We were showered with love for our boys. They had a marvelous day. I had the week off recuperating.
Since Christmas we have had a lot going on. J (my 3-year-old) had a scope done to explore some GI issues he had been having. Tests came back indicating a chronic condition but the doctors still have not been able to agree on a diagnosis. Lab work was performed and it was negative for markers of the condition so we are still awaiting diagnosis, meanwhile we have begun treatment just in case.
Throughout all of that we also found a home to rent and have moved in and gotten settled as much as possible. Gifts have been showered down on us from generous people who may not even KNOW what sort of impact they have had on us. We moved here with an SUV full of stuff and have bought a few things here and there but had decided to just buy a little at a time sticking to necessities rather than all the desires of our hearts. The boys sleep on an air mattress in their OWN room. Which is a step up from the floor (which they had been sleeping on in the room they shared with us). We now have a couch and recliner and lamps. Microwave, coffee pot (essential in this house). The fridge and oven came with the house but we will need to find our own fridge soon as the landlord requested to move it out when we can allow him to. We also just received a gift of a brand new washer and dryer! Which was a beautiful surprise we got just yesterday from a wonderful man in our small town. I don't even know what to say to some of these people who have just given and given and given. All I know to say is THANK YOU!
We received checks and gift cards to share a meal with the boys at some of their favorite places. Even little things were so monumental to me.
When the year was ending I had no idea where this new year would lead. We had J's scope on the 31st and if I had known that may be the last of the horrid year and the start of a brand new BEAUTIFUL beginning... I just didn't know what to think.
My chosen word for the new year was "Peace". I was determined that I needed to work on clinging to and commanding God's peace in my life. The rocky and eventful 2014 was awful. I was stretched in so many ways. I need to demand peace to rule in my relationships with my children and with my husband. When the issues start rising and the stress begins to bubble "peace be still" will need to be the words on my lips, the song sung to my heart and the meditation of my mind. When work seems like I am drowning and flailing helplessly in a loosing battle "peace" needs to be where I take my mind and heart. This year in NO WAY should be easy. I do not know what tomorrow holds. But I know my God of tomorrow holds HIS PERFECT PEACE out to me EVERY DAY. And it does not align with any human understanding. It makes NO SENSE. BUT as a child of God I have the RIGHT and PRIVILEGE to grab onto the gift of PEACE and carry it with me ALWAYS.
So this is our NEW beginning. This is our start. Where do we go from here? I don't know. Am I going to forget the past year, no. Will I skip over it like it was a "hiccup" or "mistake" or the "unspoken time". No. It happened for a reason. It happened and we have DEEP scars and even a few SEEPING wounds still. We SURVIVED one of my BIGGEST fears. We spent night cold with no heat, and hungry with no food, and we spent 6 months homeless! And we are still a family. God protected us.
God brought me through my nightmare of having to explain things away to my boys in fun and exciting twist:
We will came in the living room with candles tonight in our tent because it will be fun. (when the electric was turned off for a night but we had it on the next day thanks to generous people who had no idea what we needed at the time they wrote the check)
Mommy is going to heat up water on the stove for your bath tonight. We will pretend it is like old days. Then we will bundle up and watch a movie together in Mommy's bed! (gas was off over a weekend in the winter, a man brought over 3 electric heaters for us to use until we could afford to get it turned on again!)
Lets play outside with the new cars! (Electric was off again. One of the boy's old teachers and babysitters had brought over some ride on toys for the boys. IT was a much needed distraction on several evenings of no electricity...)
We get to go live with Momo and PopPop! (met with EXCITED squeals even when we were in the midst of sorting through their MOUNTAINS of toys and stuffed animals!)
The man is going to make something new out of your bed C! Won't that be so nice! And you can get a new bed when we get our new house. And yes we will get a new coffee table and TV and... (etc...) (When we sold his bed to a sweet elderly man who was going to re-purpose it to make a bench for his store. Loved the idea of something old being remade at the time. C and J was so upset to see their beds go and it was only through promising them new bed in a new house that they cheered up.)
As a mom my idea was to protect my sweet boys from the devastating truth that was loss. We did everything we could to keep them from the truth that it wasn't the same anymore. We kept C in preschool though I question that decision since we could not afford the bill. But it was the normal for him and I couldn't bare to change that on him.
My nightmare was to loose our home. To be homeless. Each day that passed it looked more and more likely. We were not finding work and the fear grew and grew and grew. I could only think of being homeless and loosing my babies (even for a short period). I know now that our family loves us WAY too much to allow that to happen. I should have NEVER feared that and should have known they would come together whatever way they could to get us somewhere safe and secure. Through generous family, and friends we were able to get money together to move back "home". My in-laws are INCREDIBLE people for allowing us the gift of living in their small house. I don't know if they imagined it would be as long as it was at the time they offered nor do I imagine any of us could have pictured how stressful it was at times.
That all was the fire explosion that destroyed my weary soul... and it sits as a pile of ashes at my feet as this new beginning emerges.
My prayer is that I can do better this time around than I did the last. That as a family and couple we will do better. I want to do greater things. I want to reach a higher place. I don't want to settle. I don't want to back down. I don't want to be COMFORTABLE! I don't want to be UNMOVED!
So we aren't forgetting, we aren't dismissing! We are staring at the rubble and LEARNING!
Learning what not to do. Learning to pursue. Learning to give up some things in light of FAR better. Sometimes that means saying "No." to an offered position because it doesn't fit us as a family. We won't go into full time ministry blind again. I won't trust the words a pastor says just because in my family the pastors I know are men of their word... I have learned there is more. Serving in our local church and going on from there. Maybe we won't ever leave home in search of that "Position" maybe the Position is just being home. So until God says "its time to move your home." I will serve where I am planted. When it is time to move on faith and step out in trust once more. IT cannot be in trust of another person (even if that person is a pastor). It must be trust in GOD ALONE! God brought us to our knees and we could only look up. I want to keep ONLY looking up for my security and stability. I pray we have learned our lesson.
So here is my beginning. It is exciting, full of energy and life!
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Monday, October 6, 2014
A Journey to Healing: from numbing shock to accepting my need for help
You know the stories of people who are in horrific accidents; the ones where the person just gets out of the car and starts wandering around the scene staring at seemingly nothing while thier wounds just bleed out. They don't have a clue they are even hurt nor about what is even happening around them. Or there is the person who is so focused on lending aid and rescuing others they do not even know that they themselves are severly wounded and in need of help. Adrenaline is pumping and keeping pain at bay whilst keeping energy and other senses hieghtened and functioning. That is what I mean by shock.
Since I have last posted we have found ourselves (through numerous generous people and only by God's grace) back "home" in Missouri. We left behind so very much that I had held onto over the years. Some things were so difficult to let go of. I had a crib that each of my sweet boys had slept in, the nice double stroller I took on cpuntless walks with my sweeties, the cup from the hospital I delievered my first and second child at (not to mention worked one of the best jobs of my life so far at). I know the cup seems like such a petit thing but it is just one of those things that was a memorial I held onto. I left many of my things but the hardest part was leaving the boys' things. The mountain of toys and clothing they had to leave behind was mind numbing to me. They were such troopers and didn't complain. Part of me believes they didn't understand as C still asks from time to time about something left behind and he just sighs and says it was left at the "old house" and maybe we could buy a new one sometime. J really hasn't seemed to miss stuff except for his blanket I mistakenly put in a bag we left with my sister and will have to retrieve once we are able to.
My heart felt so burdened by what we were having to leave. Thankfully the pangs are few and far between now that I am away from it all and know it cannot be undone. I have a couple moments of "wish I had kept that..." but then I remember what I got away with in our little SUV and the generosity that got us here and I have to just be thankful and in awe.
My in-laws have bent over backwards for us by allowing us to share their small home. They feed us and provide shelter and love and a sense of stability. I found work quickly upon moving back and my husband shortly after. We are saving and searching for a place that will rent to us inspite of our recent rental record. I keep thinking if these landlords understood the circumstances they would be more forgiving, but so far it hasn't proved very successful. I keep reminding myself that God has this undercontrol. I will not remain homeless and we will get back on our feet and one day we will be ready to get back into full-time ministry if God wants us there.
So far I am learning that I have been wounded even though I did not realize it at first. I am deeply hurt. I believe I was in such shock at first. I kept dealing with my husband's wounds; trying to lick them and see to his mending. I attempted to keep everything together by uplifting my boys and allowing "normalcy".
However, when your attempt at normal becomes you carring pots of boiled water upstairs to the bath tub countless times one night just to allow your little boys a "normal" bath at night after they have turned your hot water off and eating by candle light in the evening praying that the cold front doesn't move in like they say because the heat won't work, you probably need to re-evaluate your level of hurt. But I didnt allow myself to think about my pain. I had too much to focus on. I kept sending C to preschool pretending that was going to help him feel less of the stress, pretending it was helping him feel safe and normal.
It was not often I allowed anyone to get me to speak about my pain in it all. The pastor at our church in Akron had mentioned how my pain is worse than my husbands and I couldnt wrap my head around that. It was not until I was standing before the congregation here at home, presenting our family for membership, and I heard pastor say that we had been wounded and had come home and needed loved on that I allowed myself to realize my pain.
I am so thankful to be "home". I had people show such kindness to me in Ohio as well and I am in such immense awe and joy from their gifts and hugs but here is family. Something about needing to be wrapped in that warmth and security that touches a person's core.
I am still struggling through this process. I am not quite at home here as of yet. I do know I am loved here but I did not grow up in this church nor do I know many of the people in it very well, but knowing it is my husband's home and being around his family (even with them being different from mine) I feel a stability that can't just disappear in a horrible day on what feels like a whim.
Do I want to go back to full-time ministry? One day I would LOVE to, but time is needed. I dont know if I would feel secure yet. I don't know that I could give it my all. Hopefully that fear will ease quickly, hopefully I can remember my leading is from God and my stability is found in Him. He is the one who allows the changes to come and I need to rebuild my trust in His perfect plan and timing.
I am getting there. But until then, you can find me by the river in the desert being fed by ravens. Soon God will command me to go...right now I have to rebuild my strength.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Letting Go. (Now don't go singing the song...)
It is hard at times to let go of what makes us feel safe and comfortable. I learned this lesson (I thought) awhile back when I had to let go of my job and become a stay at home mom when I wasn't sure that was what I wanted to do. I had to let go of the 3-year-old class I had taught at church for so many years (I began helping in that class in 2005 when I began at Baptist Bible College and took over the class in 2007 after returning from a semester in Ecuador).Shortly after that I had to let go of my church and church family that I had grown to love and feel so secure in. I let go of the city I had lived in for years as God directed Shane to a position in a small town across the country. I thought I had done my fair share of "Letting go..."
I apparently had more lessons to learn about letting go. Throughout all of those transitions I never felt like my floor was falling out from under me. I felt shaky and slightly nervous but never felt like I was going to have to be homeless or destitute. I didn't honestly fear that we would be on the streets with just one wrong step.
Now I can say I have felt a small pang of that fear and I have learned that God truly does supply when we need it and exactly what we need.
My husband was let go in the beginning of February. He had received a raise in December and assurances that his loosing his job was not even on the table since he had felt a disconnect from his employer for a few months. The immediate dismissal from his position with no unemployment to collect as well as two growing boys and a new 2 month old baby in a town where we had no family in the area to lean on and no back-up income since I was a stay at home mom was a floor falling out from under me. Man, my sense of security was crushed. Thankfully, God was there. God allowed it. God knew. And God was in TOTAL control. I spent about a week in total shock. I went through motions but didn't want to get out of bed. I had a new baby and kids to keep in line and no time for depression and gloom clouds. But still I found myself not able to think clearly. I couldn't understand what had happened. Thankfully God sent kind people to our door giving me hugs when I needed them and phone calls from people I needed to hear from telling me what I knew but so needed to hear "God has this," "God won't let you out of His hands," "Keep your eyes on Him."
There have been days where the gracious landlord was knocking on our door and we didn't know what to tell him. We have had heat turned off. Shane sold his computer and some things. He got rid of our dryer. We had already given up cable and phones followed as bills couldn't be paid to keep up with things. So many THINGS! Rent was paid through gifts and utilities turned back on right when we needed them to be. (a couple cold baths never hurt anyone!) I felt we were so close to being told to leave our home that we could taste it.
We knew things couldn't continue like they were. My husband had applied at so many places and had interviews and interviews and nothing came up until a part time job was offered to him and he took it even though pay wouldn't be nearly enough and the drive was out of the way. The first week we didn't know how he would have gas to get there every day and a man came and filled up his gas tank! We were by no means meeting ends BUT we were surviving.
Now we are no where near the clear. But we have candidated for a position at a church and we are still looking at the silver lining that God has in store. Either way a move is in order since our lease is up and we have no reason to stay put. Upon returning home this week we will be packing up our stuff and selling whatever we can and making a leap of faith and moving. If the job is offered to us we will move that direction with what we have left. If it is not we will be moving "home" to the town where my husband's family is so that we can begin building back up what we can. I can start working there since my license is still active in that state and hopefully my husband will find work easier around this area where there will be more options closer to us.
The journey will continue. The amble doesn't end. We are not through with what God has for us, nor are we going to give up on the ministry. God has called us to serve NO MATTER what circumstance we are in or what we happen to be doing for a living. We can still be part of the "Ministry". And until a full-time position opens up and calls us we will wait and serve in our local church as best as we can and continue to grow and learn and stretch.
Let us run our race.
I apparently had more lessons to learn about letting go. Throughout all of those transitions I never felt like my floor was falling out from under me. I felt shaky and slightly nervous but never felt like I was going to have to be homeless or destitute. I didn't honestly fear that we would be on the streets with just one wrong step.
Now I can say I have felt a small pang of that fear and I have learned that God truly does supply when we need it and exactly what we need.
My husband was let go in the beginning of February. He had received a raise in December and assurances that his loosing his job was not even on the table since he had felt a disconnect from his employer for a few months. The immediate dismissal from his position with no unemployment to collect as well as two growing boys and a new 2 month old baby in a town where we had no family in the area to lean on and no back-up income since I was a stay at home mom was a floor falling out from under me. Man, my sense of security was crushed. Thankfully, God was there. God allowed it. God knew. And God was in TOTAL control. I spent about a week in total shock. I went through motions but didn't want to get out of bed. I had a new baby and kids to keep in line and no time for depression and gloom clouds. But still I found myself not able to think clearly. I couldn't understand what had happened. Thankfully God sent kind people to our door giving me hugs when I needed them and phone calls from people I needed to hear from telling me what I knew but so needed to hear "God has this," "God won't let you out of His hands," "Keep your eyes on Him."
There have been days where the gracious landlord was knocking on our door and we didn't know what to tell him. We have had heat turned off. Shane sold his computer and some things. He got rid of our dryer. We had already given up cable and phones followed as bills couldn't be paid to keep up with things. So many THINGS! Rent was paid through gifts and utilities turned back on right when we needed them to be. (a couple cold baths never hurt anyone!) I felt we were so close to being told to leave our home that we could taste it.
We knew things couldn't continue like they were. My husband had applied at so many places and had interviews and interviews and nothing came up until a part time job was offered to him and he took it even though pay wouldn't be nearly enough and the drive was out of the way. The first week we didn't know how he would have gas to get there every day and a man came and filled up his gas tank! We were by no means meeting ends BUT we were surviving.
Now we are no where near the clear. But we have candidated for a position at a church and we are still looking at the silver lining that God has in store. Either way a move is in order since our lease is up and we have no reason to stay put. Upon returning home this week we will be packing up our stuff and selling whatever we can and making a leap of faith and moving. If the job is offered to us we will move that direction with what we have left. If it is not we will be moving "home" to the town where my husband's family is so that we can begin building back up what we can. I can start working there since my license is still active in that state and hopefully my husband will find work easier around this area where there will be more options closer to us.
The journey will continue. The amble doesn't end. We are not through with what God has for us, nor are we going to give up on the ministry. God has called us to serve NO MATTER what circumstance we are in or what we happen to be doing for a living. We can still be part of the "Ministry". And until a full-time position opens up and calls us we will wait and serve in our local church as best as we can and continue to grow and learn and stretch.
Let us run our race.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Gaining Perspective
Sunday the message was on Perspective.
I remembered this story early this morning and it really got me thinking.
When I was younger I went with some girls from my class on a trip to celebrate a couple birthdays. We had a great sleepover in a little house near some hot springs. The trip was winding up and we headed outside to enjoy some fresh (extremely misty) air in the cool morning. Once outside we thought we might as well go for a hike in the woods near the house and explore. One girl said there was a neat bridge she knew how to get to. Someone else said it was a different direction. We broke up into two groups and just explored. We didn't know the area that well but couldn't think of anything bad that would happen. (Yes, we were young.) Well, I was following (as usual) and having a great time just being part of the group and hearing the sound of a river and seeing all the nature around us. It was very calming. We walk and climbed a little. We could hear the other group near us as voices carried very well. The mist was there and we felt the moisture as we breathed in but our vision was clear enough to keep walking and not be afraid, at least by our perspective.
I remember the ground had a little give but in my mind I thought it was just because of the moisture and it being muddy. The "grass" was less grass like but I didn't place it at first. There were places with longer grass than others and the tree roots were thick under our feet. We were traipsing along with sure footing.
UNTIL... we came to a place where the mist was clearer and we realized there were holes all around us, opening up like windows in the floor under our feet. Literally we could look down through a "hole" and see air, tree branches, and the ground far below us. We were literally walking on AIR about 10 feet off the ground! The trees had grown so thick in this area that the branches were all entangled. Moss covered the bramble and grass had even begun to grow. When this realization struck us I was suddenly full of fear. My steps became timid and tested. I felt like one of us would fall through at any moment. My perspective was instantly changed. Of course that is the moment we heard my friends mom yelling for us to come back to the house. I stood there clinging to the tree nearest me while my friends were trying to figure out which way would be best to get down. We could climb down the tree we were currently in, or we could try to walk back the way we had came and "hope" we didn't forget and end up on less sturdy footing. Now if I stood there frozen in fear I would have never gone ANYWHERE. I had to overcome fear of falling and fear of making a mistake. I had to overcome the shock to move on. If my memory serves me correctly I think we headed back the way we had come and found an area with an easier climbing tree to actually climb down from. All I remember is Mrs. R calling for us all to get back to the house so we could go home!
This story could be applied a couple ways. The way that applies most to me is that sometimes we feel so secure and safe in our path. We have our plans laid out and we KNOW we are going to be okay. We have financial security in a job that seems like it isn't going to come out from under us. We have our home and our health. We see a "ten-year-plan" and feel like it is all going to be okay. And then the boss calls us in and says due to the economy he has to let us go, or because "growth" doesn't seem to be happening, or because of ___________ (fill in the blank) we just can't keep going in the direction we thought we were. Or our health or the health of someone we love is suddenly and drastically deteriorating before our eyes. Our ten-year-plan just got shot down to 6 months to 2-years if we are lucky and prayers that an invasive and/or expensive procedure MAY extend that time. I can only imagine that perspective changes in those moments.
What is interesting to me is that our plans are based on OUR perspective. We feel we know what to do. We pray about it and even "wait" on the Lord, but in the end we still make the plans. God doesn't let us see the big picture plan. He reveals each piece to us, one at a time. We can walk along in our plans with our eyes focused on the future and goals, but God might have a window open up in our floor to show us that he has a totally different direction in mind for us! Maybe there is a safer, stronger and more solid path running underneath us that is SO much better. Maybe it leads in the same general direction we are headed just a different way of getting there. Maybe it will take us a TOTALLY different place where an even better ending will be had.
I am not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with making and setting life goals. Goals keep us moving forward. They keep us trying and striving to do better and accomplish something in this short existence that we call life. But we have to remember that our goals are just that: OUR goals. God has a very different perspective. We have to trust Him and His timing to be the ultimate perfection for our lives. So when the floor opens up under us and we are feeling unsteady and shaky (or if we just plain fall through the ground!) remember and KNOW that God is never mistaken and He is the ULTIMATE of wisdom!
Make our plans and set our goals leaning and trusting on the Lord, BUT do not hesitate to turn around, or shift our ground in order to follow the path He lays before us. Sometimes there is so much better out there for us than OUR goals could ever accomplish. Sometimes there is a much deeper perspective to look at then the one direction we are facing in the misty blindness that surrounds us.
I remembered this story early this morning and it really got me thinking.
When I was younger I went with some girls from my class on a trip to celebrate a couple birthdays. We had a great sleepover in a little house near some hot springs. The trip was winding up and we headed outside to enjoy some fresh (extremely misty) air in the cool morning. Once outside we thought we might as well go for a hike in the woods near the house and explore. One girl said there was a neat bridge she knew how to get to. Someone else said it was a different direction. We broke up into two groups and just explored. We didn't know the area that well but couldn't think of anything bad that would happen. (Yes, we were young.) Well, I was following (as usual) and having a great time just being part of the group and hearing the sound of a river and seeing all the nature around us. It was very calming. We walk and climbed a little. We could hear the other group near us as voices carried very well. The mist was there and we felt the moisture as we breathed in but our vision was clear enough to keep walking and not be afraid, at least by our perspective.
I remember the ground had a little give but in my mind I thought it was just because of the moisture and it being muddy. The "grass" was less grass like but I didn't place it at first. There were places with longer grass than others and the tree roots were thick under our feet. We were traipsing along with sure footing.
UNTIL... we came to a place where the mist was clearer and we realized there were holes all around us, opening up like windows in the floor under our feet. Literally we could look down through a "hole" and see air, tree branches, and the ground far below us. We were literally walking on AIR about 10 feet off the ground! The trees had grown so thick in this area that the branches were all entangled. Moss covered the bramble and grass had even begun to grow. When this realization struck us I was suddenly full of fear. My steps became timid and tested. I felt like one of us would fall through at any moment. My perspective was instantly changed. Of course that is the moment we heard my friends mom yelling for us to come back to the house. I stood there clinging to the tree nearest me while my friends were trying to figure out which way would be best to get down. We could climb down the tree we were currently in, or we could try to walk back the way we had came and "hope" we didn't forget and end up on less sturdy footing. Now if I stood there frozen in fear I would have never gone ANYWHERE. I had to overcome fear of falling and fear of making a mistake. I had to overcome the shock to move on. If my memory serves me correctly I think we headed back the way we had come and found an area with an easier climbing tree to actually climb down from. All I remember is Mrs. R calling for us all to get back to the house so we could go home!
This story could be applied a couple ways. The way that applies most to me is that sometimes we feel so secure and safe in our path. We have our plans laid out and we KNOW we are going to be okay. We have financial security in a job that seems like it isn't going to come out from under us. We have our home and our health. We see a "ten-year-plan" and feel like it is all going to be okay. And then the boss calls us in and says due to the economy he has to let us go, or because "growth" doesn't seem to be happening, or because of ___________ (fill in the blank) we just can't keep going in the direction we thought we were. Or our health or the health of someone we love is suddenly and drastically deteriorating before our eyes. Our ten-year-plan just got shot down to 6 months to 2-years if we are lucky and prayers that an invasive and/or expensive procedure MAY extend that time. I can only imagine that perspective changes in those moments.
What is interesting to me is that our plans are based on OUR perspective. We feel we know what to do. We pray about it and even "wait" on the Lord, but in the end we still make the plans. God doesn't let us see the big picture plan. He reveals each piece to us, one at a time. We can walk along in our plans with our eyes focused on the future and goals, but God might have a window open up in our floor to show us that he has a totally different direction in mind for us! Maybe there is a safer, stronger and more solid path running underneath us that is SO much better. Maybe it leads in the same general direction we are headed just a different way of getting there. Maybe it will take us a TOTALLY different place where an even better ending will be had.
I am not saying there is ANYTHING wrong with making and setting life goals. Goals keep us moving forward. They keep us trying and striving to do better and accomplish something in this short existence that we call life. But we have to remember that our goals are just that: OUR goals. God has a very different perspective. We have to trust Him and His timing to be the ultimate perfection for our lives. So when the floor opens up under us and we are feeling unsteady and shaky (or if we just plain fall through the ground!) remember and KNOW that God is never mistaken and He is the ULTIMATE of wisdom!
Make our plans and set our goals leaning and trusting on the Lord, BUT do not hesitate to turn around, or shift our ground in order to follow the path He lays before us. Sometimes there is so much better out there for us than OUR goals could ever accomplish. Sometimes there is a much deeper perspective to look at then the one direction we are facing in the misty blindness that surrounds us.
Friday, January 10, 2014
"mommy" to boys
Being a mom to boys has been interesting since the beginning. I was so excited to have my first little boy growing in my belly. To feel him hiccup and know that he would be my little man. To know that he would grow up to be a protector and sweet spirited lover. I dreamed of him being my little cuddle bug, my sensitive man who would be courteous and kind and compassionate and strong. At least that is how I pictured him.
Never did I think I would end up with three boys in the years that followed. Each time the ultrasound would reveal another bouncing boy growing inside me I would smile and think it was a good thing I loved being around boys. I couldn't imagine having one of my boys be a girl instead. They are each so perfectly mine and I enjoy being mommy and recipient of all of that affection from sweet little boys makes my heart burst. It is amazing.
I will tell you there are many things I have learned as a mom to boys. I know there are so many more things to learn as well. I am praying I get all the years to learn all the lessons I have to learn and that my boys will make it despite my skills (or lack there of) to be a mom to boys!
1. You can NEVER own too many cars and balls. My 2-year-old's favorite thing to get at the store is a new ball. It can be a BIG giant ball, or just a small bouncing ball. It could even be a gumball and he will be thrilled! And don't even get me started on cars. We have toy cars out our ears and we still manage to come up with a reason to get a new one every now and then.
2. Sound effects...for my family it was pretty much sound effects before actual words and sentences. My boys made the sounds of animals and cars and yes, even bodily functions... before they actually spoke coherent sentences. Potty training my toddler was slightly amusing.
3. Don't use the phrase "Let me kiss it and make it better..." there are just some things your little man may call a boo-boo that you just don't want to kiss. My 4-year-old hit his little boy parts on the coffee table one day and asked me to kiss it. Nope, not happening. My 2-year-old got a bad diaper rash when he was sick. Yeah... I passed. Green boogie face (I did kiss it but ONLY after taking a wet rag and washing the little sticky mouth).
4. They find the strangest things HILARIOUS! My 2-year-old will sit and crack up at his little trucks and I have NO idea why. They just looked at him funny I suppose. (I am sure girls have their moments as well).
5. The eating continually begins at an early age. My 4-year-old already has begun the ever going NEVER ceasing "I'm hungry mommy." "I want something to eat mommy." ALL day! (and yes I feed him). I am preparing myself for the grocery bills in our future.
6. It is OKAY to let your boy carry a purse around a little and to allow him to wear or like pink and purple. It will not ruin him. Hey even let him pick up a doll every once in awhile. He may have to carry a purse for his wife one day and I don't want to have raised a boy who says "NO WAY" just at the sight of a purse in his hand.
My boys have begun having conversations with each other and it is the cutest thing to hear communication between them about the random things they are thinking and imagining. One of them will run with an imaginative story line and the other one will go right along with it as though he actually knows what the other one is talking about! And I can sit there and usually have NO clue what they are talking about but they seem to understand each other perfectly.
Also I know this goes for any children but just because you have the same gender doesn't mean they will be the same. My boys personalities are so different. I am having to learn how to do things differently with my 2-year-old because what worked for my 4-year-old isn't working the same way for him. They have different fears, different likes and interests and different ways of handling pressures. They handle being in trouble differently and they have different temptations. They are completely different people and I like that.
God has blessed me with a third boy and I cannot wait to see what his personality will be like as he grows and develops. Right now he is only a month and a half and only has learned to smile, eat, sleep, cry and fill a diaper. Pretty much all the really important things. We will see what the future has in store. So far it looks very full of cars, balls and grocery carts filled of food.
Never did I think I would end up with three boys in the years that followed. Each time the ultrasound would reveal another bouncing boy growing inside me I would smile and think it was a good thing I loved being around boys. I couldn't imagine having one of my boys be a girl instead. They are each so perfectly mine and I enjoy being mommy and recipient of all of that affection from sweet little boys makes my heart burst. It is amazing.
I will tell you there are many things I have learned as a mom to boys. I know there are so many more things to learn as well. I am praying I get all the years to learn all the lessons I have to learn and that my boys will make it despite my skills (or lack there of) to be a mom to boys!
1. You can NEVER own too many cars and balls. My 2-year-old's favorite thing to get at the store is a new ball. It can be a BIG giant ball, or just a small bouncing ball. It could even be a gumball and he will be thrilled! And don't even get me started on cars. We have toy cars out our ears and we still manage to come up with a reason to get a new one every now and then.
2. Sound effects...for my family it was pretty much sound effects before actual words and sentences. My boys made the sounds of animals and cars and yes, even bodily functions... before they actually spoke coherent sentences. Potty training my toddler was slightly amusing.
3. Don't use the phrase "Let me kiss it and make it better..." there are just some things your little man may call a boo-boo that you just don't want to kiss. My 4-year-old hit his little boy parts on the coffee table one day and asked me to kiss it. Nope, not happening. My 2-year-old got a bad diaper rash when he was sick. Yeah... I passed. Green boogie face (I did kiss it but ONLY after taking a wet rag and washing the little sticky mouth).
4. They find the strangest things HILARIOUS! My 2-year-old will sit and crack up at his little trucks and I have NO idea why. They just looked at him funny I suppose. (I am sure girls have their moments as well).
5. The eating continually begins at an early age. My 4-year-old already has begun the ever going NEVER ceasing "I'm hungry mommy." "I want something to eat mommy." ALL day! (and yes I feed him). I am preparing myself for the grocery bills in our future.
6. It is OKAY to let your boy carry a purse around a little and to allow him to wear or like pink and purple. It will not ruin him. Hey even let him pick up a doll every once in awhile. He may have to carry a purse for his wife one day and I don't want to have raised a boy who says "NO WAY" just at the sight of a purse in his hand.
My boys have begun having conversations with each other and it is the cutest thing to hear communication between them about the random things they are thinking and imagining. One of them will run with an imaginative story line and the other one will go right along with it as though he actually knows what the other one is talking about! And I can sit there and usually have NO clue what they are talking about but they seem to understand each other perfectly.
Also I know this goes for any children but just because you have the same gender doesn't mean they will be the same. My boys personalities are so different. I am having to learn how to do things differently with my 2-year-old because what worked for my 4-year-old isn't working the same way for him. They have different fears, different likes and interests and different ways of handling pressures. They handle being in trouble differently and they have different temptations. They are completely different people and I like that.
God has blessed me with a third boy and I cannot wait to see what his personality will be like as he grows and develops. Right now he is only a month and a half and only has learned to smile, eat, sleep, cry and fill a diaper. Pretty much all the really important things. We will see what the future has in store. So far it looks very full of cars, balls and grocery carts filled of food.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
For Mother's Day... remembering what it is to be called "Mommy"
Obviously I don't know everything there is to being a mom. I don't know the ins and the outs. I don't know the tricks or tips. All I know is what I have gleaned in my short 4 years and from watching my amazing mommy better herself as she mothers 6 children (three grown and three still young and at home). She is also a Nana to 7 grand-babies (the 8th on the way) from a great distance and does that so well even though I know it takes every ounce of her will-power some days to stay where God has her and doing what God has for her to do over that huge ocean. She is adamant about being more than just a simple picture on the wall to our children and she makes every effort to be a part of their lives. She is and has always been an example of a wonderful wife, mom and leader. She is amazing in the fact that she is never satisfied with how she is and is constantly working to improve herself in some way to be a closer picture of what God would have her to be. It is amazing to see her being mom to my younger siblings and seeing how much growth God has worked through her and how much wisdom she is guiding the kids with. And as a mom I can look to her and see her working right now with my siblings and can model after her. God has blessed us this way. Not many young women can become moms and get to that point while their own mom is still being "mommy" to children at home. It has made a whole knew dynamic to my view of motherhood. My mom is still living it out every day. She is still woken up early and has quarrels to settle and toys to clean up and the little appetites to satisfy and bed-time wars to wage. I have to say I am so thankful to get to watch that side of my mom in action, as opposed to just relying on the memories of how I thought she did things or how she remembers things being.
I would also like to mention my mother-in-law, who was not my mother while growing up, nor is she my blood, but I admire how much she cares and is willing to listen or give me the mom hug I need when my mom is not able to. She, too, is now being grandma from a distance (not quite as far as my mom but any distance seems like forever for a grandma (or so I have been told)) and doing a great job at keeping her presence in my children's minds.
The first moment I became a mom...
I would also like to mention my mother-in-law, who was not my mother while growing up, nor is she my blood, but I admire how much she cares and is willing to listen or give me the mom hug I need when my mom is not able to. She, too, is now being grandma from a distance (not quite as far as my mom but any distance seems like forever for a grandma (or so I have been told)) and doing a great job at keeping her presence in my children's minds.
The first moment I became a mom...
I remember the excitement. I could suppose some could argue that I was a mom 31 weeks before that evening. I gave all the nutrition and warmth and protection to my child from the moment he was even created inside of me. God knit him together inside of me. How amazing is that? To think of God's hands forming my tiny child and growing him and creating his every hair and the tiny folds of skin. Imagine how special that makes us women, to have God create another human being inside of us! Insanity, beauty, majesty! But that is not what makes a mother. That is what makes a baby. Becoming a mother is something much deeper. There are countless women who become mothers without ever having carried a tiny human inside of their belly. Mother's who are "mommy" to children they never carried. Even mom's who are "mom" to kids who didn't even know them when they were babies! There are some women who have been blessed to carry a baby inside of them who never were a mother to that child as God intends a mother to be. So no, carrying a child as it forms and prepares for life is not what constitutes a mother. Mothers are made in the heart.
Going back to that first day...
I remember my baby came early. We were unprepared. I was naive, and excited. I didn't really become nervous until later. They kept talking about his lungs and how they were still forming and that made me start to worry. I was so happy to get to be meeting my little guy early and the risks hadn't really been in my head until they began the surgery. The doctor was working and all I could think about was "Please cry, please cry..." over and over in my head. It seemed like silence when he was born. But when he cried I think I sighed so huge! My baby was breathing! I felt like he was going to be okay. I remember "holding" him that first time. He was bundled up so much (I think there was more blanket then baby!). My arms were stretched out on the table and I could bend them at the elbow and touch his face as he was laid on my chest. I bent up to kiss his tiny face and pictures were taken and he was whisked away to intensive care. That was the first moment I remember of being a mom.
I remember when my second was born I wasn't as excited or overjoyed. I shouldn't say that. I was happy, but I was so stressed out. I broke down in the hospital worried about if I had done the right thing. I was so stressed seeing my 21 month old and thinking, "He is still a baby... I am making him have to grow up too fast...I am pushing him out of his place as my baby...he is never going to forgive me..." all irrational, emotional thoughts that flooded my mind. And of course there was no turning back at that point. I talked to my friend (who was also my nurse) and she told me I would be fine. And I was. And so were my sons. They love each other and are so great to watch together. Yes, there are moments where screaming matches break out or where the little one will tackle the bigger one and crying and squealing ensues, but it is brothers and it is love.
Now that that first little miracle is close to turning 4 and his younger brother is celebrating Mother's Day by turning 2, I know that being a mom is a lot more then just having a baby. There is so much about being a mom that doesn't involve the physical use of our body to bare a child. It is about the heart.
A mom will always have thoughts flooding her mind about her kids. She will always worry, always attempt to protect, and always be there to comfort and support no matter what situation arises or how old her "children" get.
There are times where being a mom is tiring. I have a preschooler, a toddler, and a baby on the way and believe me, I am tired. I know moms who have children closer in age than I do and I know it is only through grace that I make it through the hard days. There are times where I think about the time I wish I could spend doing things I enjoy or like. I remember being pregnant that first time and napping when I wanted to and it being okay that I couldn't sleep at night because I could sleep late in the morning or take a nap in the evening. I remember having time to read and do art or be on the computer. Now I am lucky to have a shower without being interrupted. There are days where I look at the things other moms have time to do. Or the creative things they come up with and I wonder what is wrong with me. I get down on myself and think I am not being as "mom" as I ought to be. I don't do crafts often, I usually can't get my children to sit still and play quietly without me. I have a hard time finding the joy in being a stay-at-home-mom (stuck-at-home-mom) some days. But that is about the time I recheck my heart and think about some of the awesome stuff I do get to do.
I get to be my sons' first love and endure countless sweet kisses and hugs. I get to be their favorite cuddle spot. I am trusted with their secrets. I get to see all sides of them. I am privy to their funniest jokes and cutest sayings. I don't miss out on much of their day. I get to teach them through little things and I get to learn from them in other ways. And watching them as they grow out of clothes or when their feet start sticking out form the bottom of their blanket at night I am reminded how quickly they grow. The first time my son said full sentences, and when he started writing his letters, and when he sings off key in his loud voice only to be embarrassed when he sees I noticed and silences himself... those are times I know being here at home with them means I am not missing out on some of these things I may otherwise have missed. I am so blessed to be here with them everyday, all day. I don't want to miss a thing.
I remember my oldest son was learning to run and was practicing in the lobby at church. He ran out behind an elder lady, who at that moment decided to back up. She tripped over him and fell all the way to the ground my son was under her legs. I raced to help her dreading about broken hips and wrists and everything else that can happen to women when they fall. She looked at me as tears were starting to pour from my face, "Don't get me. Get the baby. Is the baby okay?" I was so embarrassed and scooped up my baby. He was fine just shaken. I had not felt scared for my own son at that moment (I don't know if I was just in shock and not thinking or if my instincts just knew he was okay because of how she had fallen). I felt horrible for the lady and I held my son close as the tears fell down both our cheeks. I comforted him and helped her get up. As horrible as that experience was it taught me a few things. It taught me that my son can bolt off in a flash, it taught me to not allow him to run loose at church, it taught me that sometimes you meet people in the strangest ways and sometimes it is because God wants to place that person in your life. If I hadn't of had that accident with that lady I would never have spoken to her probably. She became a prayer partner for me. She was a wonderful encouragement and had some great wisdom for me. I have learned through being a mom that sometimes the most embarrassing situations are the ones that God wants to teach you something through, or to give you some blessing on the other side of.
Another example: we were being interviewed for a position at a church. The pastor took us out to a restaurant. It was a little late and I knew my youngest son would be getting tired and fussy soon. I just hoped he would stay content if we had some food in front of him. Well he started down right screaming in the restaurant and just throwing the crayons and being very upset. I tried to hold him and rock him but it didn't help. I had tried going to nurse him in the bathroom but there was only one stall and I didn't want to take it up. And I can't bring myself to nurse in front of this pastor that may be interested in hiring us. So I grab the blanket and go outside. I take my son and sit on the bench by the door to the restaurant and feed him as discreetly as I can in the dusk light. I am covering myself up as much as possible and my son almost instantly starts to fall asleep. As I am calming him a couple comes out of the restaurant. I quickly check that all is covered and all the sudden the lady turns around and returns to me. She smiles so sweetly and says "I have been there. You are doing a good job. It will pass all too soon. Just know you are a good mom and enjoy your babies while they are little." I just about jumped up to hug her and cry! I needed that more than she knew and basically I had felt like the whole interview would be a bust because of how our children were acting! Thankfully, it wasn't and we were able to accept the position at the church and have been here about 10 months now. I have not forgotten that interchange with that lady. I don't know that I will ever know if I see her again but I am so glad that God brought her to me.
This next fall my oldest will be headed to preschool. He will be out of the house 4 mornings a week and I am already finding myself thinking about how big he is getting and how fast it is going.
The bad moments and stressful moments are far outweighed by the goofy, fun and loving moments. The tantrums in the restaurant and the crying in the toy store are just pieces of motherhood. Having your child throw himself on the ground out of stubbornness in the middle of a crowded hallway when you are 8 months pregnant are just the things that teach and make us stronger.
Friday, February 22, 2013
The Goings On the Journey
I must say these past 8 months have been a huge learning curve for Shane and I both. I have been learning my role in ministry. I still don't have it down yet but I am feeling more confident each day that God will help me get there and that He will help me to shift as my role needs to shift and that He is the ONLY way that I can even seem competent in my place.
I am learning a lot about relying on God to just help me focus on what I need to do and letting go of worrying about the things I think others ought to be doing.
IN OUR CHURCH:
Shane and I have been so blessed to be serving at our new church home in Ohio. We have a great group of teenagers. A lot of young excitement (both from us as a young couple starting out in ministry, and from the teens who have been eager and excited for a "new" face and all the "new" and "different" possibilities that entailed).
A big role, I have discovered, for me is to be a wife first of all. I know this seems awfully straight forward, but for me it wasn't. I had all these thoughts of what a youth pastor's wife should be doing for the teen girls. I had all these visions of sleep overs and make-up and nail-polish and Sunday school lessons on boys, dating, modesty (and yes even the "s-word") and Bible and book studies with just the ladies focusing them on growing in their life and walk to be mature and godly women. Then REALITY struck. My duty was first of all to be the wife I needed to be. That included watching and caring for my sons so that my husband could speak and teach with the teens and not be distracted by our children. That meant that on Sunday evenings my focus was to keep my toddler quiet and out of the room as much as possible and the same on Wednesdays. I needed to separate myself from the teen group in order to perform my role effectively and right. That struck me at first as counter productive. I had felt so strongly that my duty was to the girls in the youth department. But the Bible has taught me differently and in resting in that I have found so much peace in the fact that I am usually out babysitting my son when I am at church. That is okay. That is what God called me to do at this point in my ministry. I am not robbing anyone of anything. I am not robbing myself of an opportunity to serve, the truth is, I am serving. I am serving in a big way, because I am humbly doing what no body else will do (or can do) and I am doing it despite what my desires might be. I have also found that, even though sometimes it has been an inner struggle, my desire has shifted and I am finding joy in doing what needs to be done to serve Shane to the best of my ability in that area. Playing blocks with J in the back room brings me joy because I know that Shane is out teaching and I have done all that I can do help him stay focused on the task at hand and in turn I am helping the teens by allowing the Spirit to work without the 30 lb distraction running a-muck in the room.
IN OUR HOME:
Another thing I am working on is prioritizing Shane above the boys. It is so easy for me to say "Dishes didn't get done because J was so fussy." or "C wanted to play these games and I needed to help him so we didn't get dinner together yet." I have learned over the years what some of Shane's priorities are when it comes to the house chores. When I was doing my priorities first or the boys priorities first it was not working. Now that i have begun doing things (as much as possible) the way Shane would want them done I am finding that life seems to go a lot smoother. It isn't so much that his way is the better way (Although he would probably say that. ;) ) It is because in doing it by his priorities I am avoiding a lot of the stress and friction that there was between us and in turn things just run a whole lot smoother. I have found that instead of trying to be brushing each other the wrong way, as the wife I am to be the submissive one and let go of MY way and go with the flow. It is SO much easier to just let go and ride the flow. You might think how simple that sounds, but as women today it is not. We have "rights" and we have "dreams" and "goals" and "ambitions". Those things aren't bad at all, but when they get in the way of doing what we need to be doing they can become a negative.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will NEVER get to do what I want to do. Or that I will never reach my full potential. Right now, in my life, I have to learn how to prioritize differently and once I get that down and I get to where it is just second nature to meet Shane's needs and be the wife I need to be the rest will fall into place. Now, whether that means my "ambitions, desires, goals, and dreams" will shift to something else through the changes that take place, or whether I will find my time being more wisely used to the point where I have "spare" time to reach for those things has yet to be determined. All I know is that it feels so good to be doing things the way I was meant to be doing them and I am finding a lot more JOY filling my heart since just surrendering and letting go of how I THOUGHT it was supposed to be.
IN MY LIFE:
This has less to do with the ministry aspect and more with a personal one.
I have just been struggling off and on with the loss I faced this past fall. It has been so hard being away from those I cared about and even away from the church were I had grown so much. I was in a new church surrounded by completely new people and having to go through that feeling alone while not wanting to admit that because they are such loving and awesome people that surrounded us and loved on us each week. I still didn't really feel like I was "home" at that time. God brought an amazing couple into the picture and I was able make a friend (So hard for me to do). I am so blessed to have been able to build that relationship because God knew I desperately needed that as a "distraction" and as a part of my "edification". Through Danielle I have learned so much. She encourages me and pushes me. I am so blessed that God brought us together. Even now that she has moved away, we keep in touch and are going through a study together on being a godly wife. It has helped me with this whole "role seeking" trial I was going through with the new position and new church and even with trying to juggle two kids and a husband along the way. Basically, it has been one of the BEST studies I have done. (Probably, too, because I have actively been praying over this study each time I open the book up and asking God to just help me implement it in my life). Frankly, I knew I was headed down the path of bitterness and I knew that needed to change quickly. It wasn't anything anyone had done wrong (except myself), and the only place it would have led is disappointment, anger and frustration... if not pure destruction. I am so blessed. And today I can say I am so SO filled with true JOY! I am so EXCITED to see where God takes this life of mine. I am an empty shell just filled with anticipation on what God will flood my life with next. I no longer feel weighted down, sluggish and slow. I feel energized and ready for the day!
A DIFFICULT NOTE:
Speaking of the loss from the fall: I was working through some thoughts and wrote them down on a private blog but decided to share a piece of them here as well. You don't have to read them but for those of you who wish to;
Here is a glimpse into where I am at tonight:
My darling little one, as your due date draws ever nearer I am reminded more and more of the gaping absence of a swollen belly. The still absence of your wiggles and squirms. The thought of you not meeting me, or laying in my arms makes me sad and I cringe at how wrong it seems. On the same page, however, I realize that you were not meant to lay in my arms, you were not meant to be kissed by my lips. You were so special, God took you straight to His arms and into His loving embrace where He could kiss and comfort you and love on you.
And I am so HAPPY because of that.
You were BLESSED. And I am BLESSED to have known you as mine for even just that short time. Through realizing that as a gift, I must also realize that you were NEVER mine.
That is WHY I am reminded I am:
I am learning a lot about relying on God to just help me focus on what I need to do and letting go of worrying about the things I think others ought to be doing.
IN OUR CHURCH:
Shane and I have been so blessed to be serving at our new church home in Ohio. We have a great group of teenagers. A lot of young excitement (both from us as a young couple starting out in ministry, and from the teens who have been eager and excited for a "new" face and all the "new" and "different" possibilities that entailed).
A big role, I have discovered, for me is to be a wife first of all. I know this seems awfully straight forward, but for me it wasn't. I had all these thoughts of what a youth pastor's wife should be doing for the teen girls. I had all these visions of sleep overs and make-up and nail-polish and Sunday school lessons on boys, dating, modesty (and yes even the "s-word") and Bible and book studies with just the ladies focusing them on growing in their life and walk to be mature and godly women. Then REALITY struck. My duty was first of all to be the wife I needed to be. That included watching and caring for my sons so that my husband could speak and teach with the teens and not be distracted by our children. That meant that on Sunday evenings my focus was to keep my toddler quiet and out of the room as much as possible and the same on Wednesdays. I needed to separate myself from the teen group in order to perform my role effectively and right. That struck me at first as counter productive. I had felt so strongly that my duty was to the girls in the youth department. But the Bible has taught me differently and in resting in that I have found so much peace in the fact that I am usually out babysitting my son when I am at church. That is okay. That is what God called me to do at this point in my ministry. I am not robbing anyone of anything. I am not robbing myself of an opportunity to serve, the truth is, I am serving. I am serving in a big way, because I am humbly doing what no body else will do (or can do) and I am doing it despite what my desires might be. I have also found that, even though sometimes it has been an inner struggle, my desire has shifted and I am finding joy in doing what needs to be done to serve Shane to the best of my ability in that area. Playing blocks with J in the back room brings me joy because I know that Shane is out teaching and I have done all that I can do help him stay focused on the task at hand and in turn I am helping the teens by allowing the Spirit to work without the 30 lb distraction running a-muck in the room.
IN OUR HOME:
Another thing I am working on is prioritizing Shane above the boys. It is so easy for me to say "Dishes didn't get done because J was so fussy." or "C wanted to play these games and I needed to help him so we didn't get dinner together yet." I have learned over the years what some of Shane's priorities are when it comes to the house chores. When I was doing my priorities first or the boys priorities first it was not working. Now that i have begun doing things (as much as possible) the way Shane would want them done I am finding that life seems to go a lot smoother. It isn't so much that his way is the better way (Although he would probably say that. ;) ) It is because in doing it by his priorities I am avoiding a lot of the stress and friction that there was between us and in turn things just run a whole lot smoother. I have found that instead of trying to be brushing each other the wrong way, as the wife I am to be the submissive one and let go of MY way and go with the flow. It is SO much easier to just let go and ride the flow. You might think how simple that sounds, but as women today it is not. We have "rights" and we have "dreams" and "goals" and "ambitions". Those things aren't bad at all, but when they get in the way of doing what we need to be doing they can become a negative.
Now don't get me wrong. I am not saying I will NEVER get to do what I want to do. Or that I will never reach my full potential. Right now, in my life, I have to learn how to prioritize differently and once I get that down and I get to where it is just second nature to meet Shane's needs and be the wife I need to be the rest will fall into place. Now, whether that means my "ambitions, desires, goals, and dreams" will shift to something else through the changes that take place, or whether I will find my time being more wisely used to the point where I have "spare" time to reach for those things has yet to be determined. All I know is that it feels so good to be doing things the way I was meant to be doing them and I am finding a lot more JOY filling my heart since just surrendering and letting go of how I THOUGHT it was supposed to be.
IN MY LIFE:
This has less to do with the ministry aspect and more with a personal one.
I have just been struggling off and on with the loss I faced this past fall. It has been so hard being away from those I cared about and even away from the church were I had grown so much. I was in a new church surrounded by completely new people and having to go through that feeling alone while not wanting to admit that because they are such loving and awesome people that surrounded us and loved on us each week. I still didn't really feel like I was "home" at that time. God brought an amazing couple into the picture and I was able make a friend (So hard for me to do). I am so blessed to have been able to build that relationship because God knew I desperately needed that as a "distraction" and as a part of my "edification". Through Danielle I have learned so much. She encourages me and pushes me. I am so blessed that God brought us together. Even now that she has moved away, we keep in touch and are going through a study together on being a godly wife. It has helped me with this whole "role seeking" trial I was going through with the new position and new church and even with trying to juggle two kids and a husband along the way. Basically, it has been one of the BEST studies I have done. (Probably, too, because I have actively been praying over this study each time I open the book up and asking God to just help me implement it in my life). Frankly, I knew I was headed down the path of bitterness and I knew that needed to change quickly. It wasn't anything anyone had done wrong (except myself), and the only place it would have led is disappointment, anger and frustration... if not pure destruction. I am so blessed. And today I can say I am so SO filled with true JOY! I am so EXCITED to see where God takes this life of mine. I am an empty shell just filled with anticipation on what God will flood my life with next. I no longer feel weighted down, sluggish and slow. I feel energized and ready for the day!
A DIFFICULT NOTE:
Speaking of the loss from the fall: I was working through some thoughts and wrote them down on a private blog but decided to share a piece of them here as well. You don't have to read them but for those of you who wish to;
Here is a glimpse into where I am at tonight:
My darling little one, as your due date draws ever nearer I am reminded more and more of the gaping absence of a swollen belly. The still absence of your wiggles and squirms. The thought of you not meeting me, or laying in my arms makes me sad and I cringe at how wrong it seems. On the same page, however, I realize that you were not meant to lay in my arms, you were not meant to be kissed by my lips. You were so special, God took you straight to His arms and into His loving embrace where He could kiss and comfort you and love on you.
You were so special
God didn't want you on the earth for even one minute.
He didn't want your lungs to breathe in the polluted air.
He didn't want your hands to grasp at the dirty flesh of men.
He didn't want your eyes to look on the filth surrounding us here.
He wanted you to stay pure.
He wanted you to stay free.
He didn't want you to feel pain,
or to shed even one single tear.
He didn't desire you to grow old or weak.
He didn't want you to have to fret or fear for anything for any length of time.
You had no sickness, no diseases.
You never hungered or felt thirst.
You were BLESSED.And I am so HAPPY because of that.
You were BLESSED. And I am BLESSED to have known you as mine for even just that short time. Through realizing that as a gift, I must also realize that you were NEVER mine.
God allowed me to share in the WONDER that YOU ARE
because
HE is
AMAZING CREATOR,
FATHER,
MERCIFUL,
GRACIOUS,
ALL-POWERFUL,
OMNIPRESENT,
GIVER and TAKER of life.
And He is GOOD and FULL of LOVE for me and for you.
That is WHO my God is.
That is WHY I am reminded I am:
PRIVILEGED to have held you for those few weeks,
PRIVILEGED to have known you even existed!
PRIVILEGED to be able to find sorrow in the loss of you.
PRIVILEGED because God allowed it to be.
And all things He performs in our lives is for OUR GOOD and for HIS GLORY.
SO WE ARE PRIVILEGED INDEED!
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