The concept of adoption should not be foreign to any Christian. The idea of a child who is wounded, abandoned, cast aside, in need of a Redeemer. Someone able to rescue and save them accepts them and builds a relationship with them, leagally makes them their child. What a marvelous thing. (Sound familiar to anyone else?)
Here I sit. All my part complete for the placement of 2 sweet kids into our home. We have crossed the ts and dotted "I"s and now we sit and wait for the decision to be made. Patiently impatient. We have a desire to bring these kids into our home and into our family. We desire to show them love and unconditional support and faithful stability. We long to let them know that family is forever and love is greater than anything and that God is the only true source of that love and that He will never fail them.
I don't know what will happen with this. I don't know how it will play out. I know it won't be a piece of cake or as simple as ABC... but honestly I feel like that should not matter. These kids need a home and we were sought out to provide that home for them if we were willing and able. We decided to be willing and the courts will determine if we are able and God will direct his will in all of this. I am truly excited to see what the Lord does with these kids. I would love to be their home and family but I am also confident in whatever the Lord decides will be the best for all involved and that in the process he will make his way known and that he has the kids' best interest (as well as my own family's) in mind. He wants our good.
So I will praise him no matter the outcome and I will be thankful for His way and his plan and His direction. I will praise His sovereignty above all else. I will thank him for Love. TRUE, Unaltered Love.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Adoption
Wednesday, July 12, 2017
The thick of it
Sometimes life seems to hand you a bit more than you can chew. In the midst of those periods it seems that all you can do is keep surviving and pushing forward. Eventually the light will shine at the end of the tunnel. I don't think it is anything unique to me or my life. Every person has those periods of time where you just have to keep pushing through. Once you are through a few of those times and you know an end eventually comes it slowly gets easier to push through (not necessarily quicker to get through but at least easier to trust that God will get you through).
Sometimes when you are doing great and right where you feel you need to be and doing right what you think you should be doing all the sudden something happens. It sometimes isn't a bad thing either. IT could be something really good. But it throws your "normal" off and causes you to have to make adjustments.
In my journey that I happen to be walking through we have been presented with an opportunity to grow our family. There is a lot that goes into it. It would be through the placement of children of a relative. My husband and I spoke breifly when the call happened and we both just knew we couldn't shut the door on the idea ourselves. If God wanted the door shut he would have to do it.
I think about Noah with his family. He had his immideate family in the ark and he knew what God had told him. He knew God planned to save them. But he could not shut the door to the ark himself. Noah was a good man and a Godly man. Can you imagine shutting the door and knowing that the people on the other side were going to perish.
While there obviously is not such a finality to the decision of whether we try to take in our niece and nephew or if we allow the system to decide a separate home for them to go to it still means shutting the door on two children we love dearly. God shut the ark for Noah and made the path clear for him and for those outside of the ark. There was no guessing at what he wanted to do.
In the same way we just are praying for God to open the door or close the door himself. We are open to whatever he decides to do. The hoops we need to get through are numerous. And the only way we will be approved as an adoptive home for these sweet kids is if he works out the details. So if we get approved we can have the assurance that it was His will and not ours. We were not seeking this situation out. The caseworker found my husband through the internet and we were fortunate enough to get the message. We had discussed adopting or fostering later in life but that was something for another chapter of our lives. Now we know that God may have a different plan and that is okay. If this does not work out we will also know that he is the one who allowed it to not happen. And we will rejoice in His plan and trust Him to work out the details for the kids. They will have the home that God has for them.
The same way that God can shut a door He can also swing a door wide open! So we are praying for His will and for peace in whatever that will is.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
I find myself in a mix of thoughts and emotions. I feel a little overwhelmed at times. I think about what would need to happen to make 2 more kids work in our family situation: the bedrooms, the transportation, to things as simple as our seating arrangements for meals! The fact that our living room only currently seats 4 or 5 comfortably...That is until my Pastor's wife found me some stools on the side of the road as she was driving home the night I mentioned my seating shortage to her! God works out the details. And as I sit and wait on what he plans to do and what we need to do next I a so thankful that my God is a God who hears me, as well as the God who sees me (and Not only me, but also those precious kids who are waiting for a stable place to call "home").
Monday, April 17, 2017
The Expected Journey
The expected amble (as opposed to the Expectant Amble) is the journey I had planned on taking.
I had plans growing up. (Not many...But I did have plans). Today in Sunday school my husband asked the class if they had ever had plans that fell through or that didn't turn out the way we thought they should have. I had to laugh a little at the memories of the plans I had. They were not bad plans and planning is not bad in and of itself. The idea though is that we need to realize that the plans we make are not set in stone and God will direct the course of our journey.
Sometimes even when people are seeking the Lord with all their being through the plans and actions they take they can still end up looking like "failures" to the world when the Lord shifts the plan and moves them to a different direction. It can look as if they "gave up" on a dream, or "quit" when the going got tough. When in reality they were the brave and courageous one who was being sensitive to God's leading for that season and to the change in direction that God was taking them for the next.
Missionaries who leave the field after a term is complete, college students who change career paths and transfer to different schools half way through their studies, ladies who give up careers to become stay-at-home moms who homeschool their children after spending years gaining their degree and dream job. Honestly, the world (and possibly other Christians) may say "foolishness" or "weakness" or "shame". We do not know what God is calling them to do. We are not the ones on the receiving end until it happens in our own lives.
When we live by the expected amble where we are walking the way we expect our journey to go or the way we think others would expect us to go we are not sensitive to God's guidance. We have our plan and our goal and we are walking with our head down looking at our well marked map making sure we make it there in one piece. We are focused so much on our direction and end that we miss the surprises and blessings that God has for us. We miss opportunities that God places in our way. Frankly, we even miss God trying to pull us over another way. We miss him calling us to a new path.
I was like this. I had plans and I thought I was doing everything in my power to make those plans happen. I started with thinking I would become a nurse but was softened to God's call to full-time ministry. I surrendered to that call and went to Bible college part way through my nursing studies. I then thought I was to be a missionary and work with children's ministeries or possibly ladies. I found a man who was called to the ministry who believed he was called to the foreign field too. Fast forward a few years into our marriage. I had been praying and praying about which country we were called to. I had a few in my mind and just wanted confirmation from God in my husband's life. He came home one night to tell me he thought he was being called to youth here in America... I was floored. I went as far as to question God and ask if I had married the wrong man! Haha. Youth was NOT on my map let alone my plan! (Especially not American youth). I had to once again surrender my plan. I don't want to give you the impression that it was a simple thing or that once I surrendered I was magically shifted from the directional mindset to the guided mindset. I still have to let go of desires and plans and let God move me and lead me daily.
Something incredible does happen, however, when we stop living by walking the EXPECTED path but instead walk the path EXPECTANTLY. Our view shifts from self and what WE desire to looking around us to see what may be heading our way. It makes life exciting and surprising. It shifts our emotions, our focus and our steps. Instead of walking a straight and well thought out line we end up veering to take a detour or pivoting to head a new direction that perhaps we had never thought of before. Just because we do not end up at the place we thought we were headed it does not mean we are missing our mark in life. It means we are using our life to the greatest potential. We are seeing what is around us and we are more sensitive to changes we need to make. Life is not a straight line. We are not getting to the end with as few detours as possible. Instead it is a road trip where we want to find the greatest sights. It is a journey of weaving and looping. There are detours and route changes. Perhaps you end up in a completely different spot than you imagined. How foolish it would be to see a sign that says bridge out ahead but because the bridge is on the path marked on our map we continue towards it ignoring all warnings. We do that so much in life though. We try to force God's hands. Sometimes he allows us to go to where we had planned and we often end up hurt. Sometimes he forces our hand in other ways giving us no choice but to turn to him for direction. Why do we allow it to get to that point? Is it just out of stubbornness or our desire to not look like we failed? The beautiful thing about walking expectantly in life is that as long as you are walking hand in hand with Jesus wherever you end up will be at His feet and frankly that is the most glorious place to be!
I had plans growing up. (Not many...But I did have plans). Today in Sunday school my husband asked the class if they had ever had plans that fell through or that didn't turn out the way we thought they should have. I had to laugh a little at the memories of the plans I had. They were not bad plans and planning is not bad in and of itself. The idea though is that we need to realize that the plans we make are not set in stone and God will direct the course of our journey.
Sometimes even when people are seeking the Lord with all their being through the plans and actions they take they can still end up looking like "failures" to the world when the Lord shifts the plan and moves them to a different direction. It can look as if they "gave up" on a dream, or "quit" when the going got tough. When in reality they were the brave and courageous one who was being sensitive to God's leading for that season and to the change in direction that God was taking them for the next.
Missionaries who leave the field after a term is complete, college students who change career paths and transfer to different schools half way through their studies, ladies who give up careers to become stay-at-home moms who homeschool their children after spending years gaining their degree and dream job. Honestly, the world (and possibly other Christians) may say "foolishness" or "weakness" or "shame". We do not know what God is calling them to do. We are not the ones on the receiving end until it happens in our own lives.
When we live by the expected amble where we are walking the way we expect our journey to go or the way we think others would expect us to go we are not sensitive to God's guidance. We have our plan and our goal and we are walking with our head down looking at our well marked map making sure we make it there in one piece. We are focused so much on our direction and end that we miss the surprises and blessings that God has for us. We miss opportunities that God places in our way. Frankly, we even miss God trying to pull us over another way. We miss him calling us to a new path.
I was like this. I had plans and I thought I was doing everything in my power to make those plans happen. I started with thinking I would become a nurse but was softened to God's call to full-time ministry. I surrendered to that call and went to Bible college part way through my nursing studies. I then thought I was to be a missionary and work with children's ministeries or possibly ladies. I found a man who was called to the ministry who believed he was called to the foreign field too. Fast forward a few years into our marriage. I had been praying and praying about which country we were called to. I had a few in my mind and just wanted confirmation from God in my husband's life. He came home one night to tell me he thought he was being called to youth here in America... I was floored. I went as far as to question God and ask if I had married the wrong man! Haha. Youth was NOT on my map let alone my plan! (Especially not American youth). I had to once again surrender my plan. I don't want to give you the impression that it was a simple thing or that once I surrendered I was magically shifted from the directional mindset to the guided mindset. I still have to let go of desires and plans and let God move me and lead me daily.
Something incredible does happen, however, when we stop living by walking the EXPECTED path but instead walk the path EXPECTANTLY. Our view shifts from self and what WE desire to looking around us to see what may be heading our way. It makes life exciting and surprising. It shifts our emotions, our focus and our steps. Instead of walking a straight and well thought out line we end up veering to take a detour or pivoting to head a new direction that perhaps we had never thought of before. Just because we do not end up at the place we thought we were headed it does not mean we are missing our mark in life. It means we are using our life to the greatest potential. We are seeing what is around us and we are more sensitive to changes we need to make. Life is not a straight line. We are not getting to the end with as few detours as possible. Instead it is a road trip where we want to find the greatest sights. It is a journey of weaving and looping. There are detours and route changes. Perhaps you end up in a completely different spot than you imagined. How foolish it would be to see a sign that says bridge out ahead but because the bridge is on the path marked on our map we continue towards it ignoring all warnings. We do that so much in life though. We try to force God's hands. Sometimes he allows us to go to where we had planned and we often end up hurt. Sometimes he forces our hand in other ways giving us no choice but to turn to him for direction. Why do we allow it to get to that point? Is it just out of stubbornness or our desire to not look like we failed? The beautiful thing about walking expectantly in life is that as long as you are walking hand in hand with Jesus wherever you end up will be at His feet and frankly that is the most glorious place to be!
Sunday, July 24, 2016
God will FIGHT for you...my beloved...
It has been a week ago now that I lay on the bed beside my son after a particularly bad day. I had made him go to bed early after he attacked his brother. I waited until he had calmed down and I lay beside him gently scratching his back like he likes so much. He rolled over in his sleep to let me reach it better and then covered his whole self with his oversized fleece blanket that he loves. In the silence of the room my mind was running wild. I was pleading to God and I was begging Him for the answer. I thought of the Scripture that speaks that we war not against flesh and blood. Our battle is with things not seen. I had only just ran that through my head when I heard the Spirit say "I am the Lord your God... I am the Lord God... I will fight for you.... I am fighting for you. Let me fight this for you..." I then felt like He said "Let me fight this for J". It was then I realized that it is not all my fight to win. It is J's. And it isn't J or myself who will be fighting it. The Lord is standing, surrounding him, to fight the battle for him. I am a project in the making and I fail daily with letting the fight go. I feel like I need to be center-ring over and over again to fight for my child (What loving mom doesn't feel that way?).
So here I am, having a hard time just a week later. Almost 4 weeks ago I sent in paperwork to CMH behavioral unit. They said it takes 2 weeks to make a decision... I am being taught patience once again in my life and I am severely running low. I am trying to remember that an answer doesn't change our life... it just opens up some options for J. I am anxious and tired. I wish I had his happy self always. It is like night and day with him in a blink of an eye and it is really breaking this momma's heart. Please pray for S and I to have wisdom and discernment with him. Please pray for me to stay strong. I feel like I am breaking apart sometimes.
Please pray God moves in a mighty way in J's life.
I have seen some Christian people post light-heartedly on behavioral issues and diseases in children. I understand over-diagnosis is an issue, but some parents are battling REAL issues with their children that no amount of belt will "fix" or "cure". We as parents do the best we can with what God has given us and some of us are just needing to get through the day so that we can start all over again the next day and pray that we will have the ability to raise our kids in the admonition of the Lord without messing it up. We do all this while knowing we probably will mess up, so then we pray that God will forgive us once again and use our children despite our mistakes, praying that He would do the work in their lives that we as parents daily fail to be able to do. And why do we fail? Because we are unwilling? Unbothered? Uninvolved? Disconnected? Inconsistent? Undisciplined? Ungodly? Unbiblical? Unstructured? Too soft? Too hard? Too mean? Too nice? NO! Because we are imperfect and dependent human beings who live in a world of flesh and we sin daily just like EVERYONE else!
I have thought about whether I am dealing with demonic oppression or possession to some extent. I have considered it. And in some ways I have felt that there is oppression going on in our lives always to some extent so possibly J is another tool being used in our lives in moments, whether it is through a diagnosable disorder I do not know. I do know that Satan has used his behavior issues time and time again to cause sin to creep into my life. I know that I pray over my children daily to beg God to do a mighty work in each of their lives. I pray they will grow to have a saving knowledge of Christ. I pray that whatever is tormenting J will cease. I pray that if it is ASD or another disorder that we are able to help him achieve coping skills and that he will have more and more calm days. But so far we are grasping at straws trying to find something that helps or "works".
To watch him go from this "normal" happy child to a darkness in his eyes with a rage in his heart and a strength that no 5-year old should possess in a matter of split-seconds is heart-wrenching. He tackles his much larger brother to the ground and pounds on him. Or he throws everything he can get his hands on until there is nothing left and he lays there and groans until it is over. We breathe again. We breathe in and out and a sigh escapes. And I plead again to God as I watch him peacefully sleep. What is this!?
These past few weeks have just been more fits of rage and violence then I have seen in awhile from him. The violence level increased just when I had felt we were getting somewhere with what we were doing. We need wisdom and a consistent plan that works.
We leave for a week away from the boys on Monday. I am not going to kid myself that we will have a plan in place by then. I am praying that S's parents are filled with grace, strength and energy as they deal with the three munchkins. And I am praying that J is filled with peace for the week (if not the rest of his life!) And I pray S and I will return home refreshed and with a plan we can implement that will play a consistent role in our lives and hopefully help us all out.
And as I have written this, I realized that I took up my sword again to jump in the battle... And God is whispering to me, "Let me fight this for you. Let me fight it for J"..."Let me get the glory."... "Allow me the victory."..."Be at peace child"... "Be at peace. The frustration and anger and disappointment in your heart is not what I have for you."
So here I am, having a hard time just a week later. Almost 4 weeks ago I sent in paperwork to CMH behavioral unit. They said it takes 2 weeks to make a decision... I am being taught patience once again in my life and I am severely running low. I am trying to remember that an answer doesn't change our life... it just opens up some options for J. I am anxious and tired. I wish I had his happy self always. It is like night and day with him in a blink of an eye and it is really breaking this momma's heart. Please pray for S and I to have wisdom and discernment with him. Please pray for me to stay strong. I feel like I am breaking apart sometimes.
Please pray God moves in a mighty way in J's life.
I have seen some Christian people post light-heartedly on behavioral issues and diseases in children. I understand over-diagnosis is an issue, but some parents are battling REAL issues with their children that no amount of belt will "fix" or "cure". We as parents do the best we can with what God has given us and some of us are just needing to get through the day so that we can start all over again the next day and pray that we will have the ability to raise our kids in the admonition of the Lord without messing it up. We do all this while knowing we probably will mess up, so then we pray that God will forgive us once again and use our children despite our mistakes, praying that He would do the work in their lives that we as parents daily fail to be able to do. And why do we fail? Because we are unwilling? Unbothered? Uninvolved? Disconnected? Inconsistent? Undisciplined? Ungodly? Unbiblical? Unstructured? Too soft? Too hard? Too mean? Too nice? NO! Because we are imperfect and dependent human beings who live in a world of flesh and we sin daily just like EVERYONE else!
I have thought about whether I am dealing with demonic oppression or possession to some extent. I have considered it. And in some ways I have felt that there is oppression going on in our lives always to some extent so possibly J is another tool being used in our lives in moments, whether it is through a diagnosable disorder I do not know. I do know that Satan has used his behavior issues time and time again to cause sin to creep into my life. I know that I pray over my children daily to beg God to do a mighty work in each of their lives. I pray they will grow to have a saving knowledge of Christ. I pray that whatever is tormenting J will cease. I pray that if it is ASD or another disorder that we are able to help him achieve coping skills and that he will have more and more calm days. But so far we are grasping at straws trying to find something that helps or "works".
To watch him go from this "normal" happy child to a darkness in his eyes with a rage in his heart and a strength that no 5-year old should possess in a matter of split-seconds is heart-wrenching. He tackles his much larger brother to the ground and pounds on him. Or he throws everything he can get his hands on until there is nothing left and he lays there and groans until it is over. We breathe again. We breathe in and out and a sigh escapes. And I plead again to God as I watch him peacefully sleep. What is this!?
These past few weeks have just been more fits of rage and violence then I have seen in awhile from him. The violence level increased just when I had felt we were getting somewhere with what we were doing. We need wisdom and a consistent plan that works.
We leave for a week away from the boys on Monday. I am not going to kid myself that we will have a plan in place by then. I am praying that S's parents are filled with grace, strength and energy as they deal with the three munchkins. And I am praying that J is filled with peace for the week (if not the rest of his life!) And I pray S and I will return home refreshed and with a plan we can implement that will play a consistent role in our lives and hopefully help us all out.
And as I have written this, I realized that I took up my sword again to jump in the battle... And God is whispering to me, "Let me fight this for you. Let me fight it for J"..."Let me get the glory."... "Allow me the victory."..."Be at peace child"... "Be at peace. The frustration and anger and disappointment in your heart is not what I have for you."
Saturday, July 23, 2016
Love
Peace was a word for last year. I hadn't decided for sure what my word for this year would be.
It has been a mixture of thoughts. The word "strength" comes to mind, as does "courage". However a word that I tend to skip over has come up over and over again in my mind and so I am going to have to just land on it for the year. I use it so often and it isn't something I feel I have struggled with in the past and seems to come naturally until I am in the middle of something and ought to have it as my lens to see the situation through to begin with... but that word is "love". It is a foundation of my faith. It is a basic stepping stone. It comes easier for some and harder for others. I have always felt that I do not struggle with it. But looking back I have seen countless times that i have decided to judge or criticize someone without lovingly checking my thoughts and actions against them. Other times I have spoken harshly to my children or husband without first grabbing tight to love and capturing the thoughts to be sure it is necessary to say or without first wrapping the edification or correction in a strong dose of love.
In college we took a counseling class where we were taught the art of "Speaking the Truth in Love" and it has been some years since I thought about that. We can be correct and be saying truth, but when it isn't done in a loving way with love as the backing thrust behind it there is no godliness in it. God IS LOVE!
It has been a mixture of thoughts. The word "strength" comes to mind, as does "courage". However a word that I tend to skip over has come up over and over again in my mind and so I am going to have to just land on it for the year. I use it so often and it isn't something I feel I have struggled with in the past and seems to come naturally until I am in the middle of something and ought to have it as my lens to see the situation through to begin with... but that word is "love". It is a foundation of my faith. It is a basic stepping stone. It comes easier for some and harder for others. I have always felt that I do not struggle with it. But looking back I have seen countless times that i have decided to judge or criticize someone without lovingly checking my thoughts and actions against them. Other times I have spoken harshly to my children or husband without first grabbing tight to love and capturing the thoughts to be sure it is necessary to say or without first wrapping the edification or correction in a strong dose of love.
In college we took a counseling class where we were taught the art of "Speaking the Truth in Love" and it has been some years since I thought about that. We can be correct and be saying truth, but when it isn't done in a loving way with love as the backing thrust behind it there is no godliness in it. God IS LOVE!
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Expecting the Unexpected: Dealing with Unmet Expectations
C has been so emotional. He heard someone say his teacher's last name in a show he was watching and he got happy at first and then instant sadness filled his eyes. He doesn't know what to do with his time very well and dealing with both little brothers all day long as been tough for him at times.
J began saying his stomach is hurting again (so much so that he went and lay down today out of his own free-will) and he had an accident after being accident free for a LONG time. Kind of explains his behavior this weekend a little more. Praying we can keep track of his ups and downs and see a pattern to better understand if his emotional breaks are signs of physical problem or if the two are unrelated.
O has been a fire-ball. One moment he is fine the next his is being a defiant little toddler tyrant who expects his demands to be heard and takes no regard to anyone else. We punish him for his behavior which brings about a gigantic tantrum of SCREAMING at the top of his lungs yelling "NO! NO! NO!" so that you wonder if your neighbors will wonder what you are doing to your poor child. Meanwhile, he is wanting to potty train and yet ONLY when it is convenient for him. Which I know is a step in the right direction, but when you get 3 accidents and 4 successes (including wearing underwear accidentally through nap time and keeping dry followed by him refusing to sit on the potty and instead removing his underwear to pee in the pantry) you tend to wonder who is winning.
Lesson to Myself about Priorities and Expectations
I came home from work late today and found the boys waiting for me to read to them and put them to bed. I almost regretted not staying at work half-an-hour longer so that Shane would have had them in bed for me. BUT I do love reading to them and I love that they enjoy it too. I walked into the kitchen because of course the chorus that met me at the door RIGHT AFTER the "Mommy HOME!" was a rendition of "Mommy, I am hungry", "Mom, can you get me some juice?", and the toddler anxiously grabbing at me to be held and cuddled. I tried to breathe through my instant stress that seemed to grow up my body for no particular reason, as I stepped over a glob of silly putty sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor.
My mind went back to the putty as I finally had delivered the last child something to appease them for the second. I grabbed it up and realized that it was only a portion of the putty that went in the can. I also realized, a moment later, that the can was not in its place. I looked at the other logical locations and didn't see it. Not only that, the other two cans of putty were also not in their place. I only found one lid. So SOMEWHERE in the small house there were three colors of putty. I began the search. I found one glob on the couch and dots of another color strewn down the hallway. Another piece under the couch. (Note that this is a "new-to-us" WHITE couch). I begin taking every cushion off looking it all over from top to bottom to be sure no putty is glued to the couch anywhere else. Slowly pieces of the putty get found from one room to the other. I even found some laying in the bathroom floor! All I can think about is finding every piece of this putty and getting more and more frustrated at their dad.
Then I had to catch myself because coming into the house I had found some of the outside toys strewn about the yard and while I do ask that they are made to pick up before going in I at least knew that they had been taken outside to enjoy the sunshine while I was working. And I know how big of a job that is. How it involves giving up what Shane wanted to do in the nice cool house. I also found macaroni noodles under the cabinets in the kitchen somehow lost in the mess of plating dinner to three eager and hungry boys. So he cooked for them, and fed them, and cleaned up the mess so that I could walk into no dishes to do.
I had to stop and remember how the morning had gone for me while he was working. The whining and tantrums and "mom!", "Mom!", "Mom."s over and over again. The bathroom runs and accidents. The "I am so bored", "I have nothing to play with!", and "I only like to play computer!" comments that fill every moment of the day that is not screen-time. "J hit me!", "EE urt ME!", and "He is bothering me!"s that flood over us. I am sure his evening was similar to my morning. We are a team. We do this. We survive it. We choose to love it.
When I focus on what I feel should have been done instead of looking at what was done I can easily get frustrated. When I look at my list compared to his I am sure we both fall very short. This morning I cleaned the filter on the AC, and managed to rescue the vacuum from sucking up the toilet water (Thanks O). I did dishes and started prep on a meal for this week. I also cleaned the pile of clutter from the hall. While managing the boys, cooking and more dishes.
Did I do it all perfect? Did I do the right things at the right times? Did I finish my list? No. Not at all.
I was so fortunate to be walking into the bathroom when I found O with the vacuum tube in the toilet reaching for the on switch. (I had left the vacuum plugged in the hallway outlet so it could have ended pretty badly). I caught O getting cheese slices out of the fridge and put them back only to get to the living room and realize he had already opened two other slices previously and had them squished into "dough" he was trying to play with on the white couch. Earlier, I had to rescue legos from his cereal bowl before he spooned them into his mouth.
So looking back at the morning I could have been the one with silly putty strewn from one end of the house to the other.
As mommy and wife I also cannot place my expectations above anyone else's. They have every right to have expectations if I do. And there are no less valid than mine. Some of the boys expectations may not be possible to have met because, let's face it, FRESH donuts for breakfast every morning and never ending chocolate syrup are pretty delicious goals but not very practical (or healthy) for me as a parent to provide. But I cannot just dismiss their requests as if they were fanciful daydreams because to them they are real. Getting frustrated or angry at them for wanting to play Minecraft all day and do nothing else. When I just declare "time-up" and get even more frustrated when they whine or complain about it is not a good choice. I get upset when the plans I had for my day get squashed and denied for no apparently good reason. Instead a discussion should be had about why donuts every morning would be a bad idea and how food just doesn't happen to appear in the house without someone going to the store to buy it. How playing computer all day, every day (though fun), would not benefit anyone involved and would make them miss out on so many other WONDERFUL things in life.
For my husband, I need to remember the same idea goes for him. When he gets home from work and lets out a frustrated sigh about the dishes being piled inside the sink instead of out of the sink even though I spent the last hour prepping meals for the week and only sat down at the computer for a moment of rest from the disastrous kitchen. When he huffs as he enters and steps on a block and wonders why the toys didn't all get picked up but doesn't see that I have engaged all three boys on the living room rug in a crazy made-up game and we are laughing and enjoying the non-electrical fun WE created. I need to quietly remind myself that I am the same way when I realize my expectations did not get met. I need to take a mental note of what it was he sighed about and move that higher on my list of priorities to help please him. If it is something I cannot make a higher priority I should talk to him about why it doesn't get done and work on a plan to help us both be happier. (ie when O will not nap for me despite my trying to put him to sleep for an hour after lunch, while it takes Shane 5 minutes to put him to sleep just a few hours later). We need to validate each other's expectations and priorities. We are in it all together.
J began saying his stomach is hurting again (so much so that he went and lay down today out of his own free-will) and he had an accident after being accident free for a LONG time. Kind of explains his behavior this weekend a little more. Praying we can keep track of his ups and downs and see a pattern to better understand if his emotional breaks are signs of physical problem or if the two are unrelated.
O has been a fire-ball. One moment he is fine the next his is being a defiant little toddler tyrant who expects his demands to be heard and takes no regard to anyone else. We punish him for his behavior which brings about a gigantic tantrum of SCREAMING at the top of his lungs yelling "NO! NO! NO!" so that you wonder if your neighbors will wonder what you are doing to your poor child. Meanwhile, he is wanting to potty train and yet ONLY when it is convenient for him. Which I know is a step in the right direction, but when you get 3 accidents and 4 successes (including wearing underwear accidentally through nap time and keeping dry followed by him refusing to sit on the potty and instead removing his underwear to pee in the pantry) you tend to wonder who is winning.
Lesson to Myself about Priorities and Expectations
I came home from work late today and found the boys waiting for me to read to them and put them to bed. I almost regretted not staying at work half-an-hour longer so that Shane would have had them in bed for me. BUT I do love reading to them and I love that they enjoy it too. I walked into the kitchen because of course the chorus that met me at the door RIGHT AFTER the "Mommy HOME!" was a rendition of "Mommy, I am hungry", "Mom, can you get me some juice?", and the toddler anxiously grabbing at me to be held and cuddled. I tried to breathe through my instant stress that seemed to grow up my body for no particular reason, as I stepped over a glob of silly putty sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor.
My mind went back to the putty as I finally had delivered the last child something to appease them for the second. I grabbed it up and realized that it was only a portion of the putty that went in the can. I also realized, a moment later, that the can was not in its place. I looked at the other logical locations and didn't see it. Not only that, the other two cans of putty were also not in their place. I only found one lid. So SOMEWHERE in the small house there were three colors of putty. I began the search. I found one glob on the couch and dots of another color strewn down the hallway. Another piece under the couch. (Note that this is a "new-to-us" WHITE couch). I begin taking every cushion off looking it all over from top to bottom to be sure no putty is glued to the couch anywhere else. Slowly pieces of the putty get found from one room to the other. I even found some laying in the bathroom floor! All I can think about is finding every piece of this putty and getting more and more frustrated at their dad.
Then I had to catch myself because coming into the house I had found some of the outside toys strewn about the yard and while I do ask that they are made to pick up before going in I at least knew that they had been taken outside to enjoy the sunshine while I was working. And I know how big of a job that is. How it involves giving up what Shane wanted to do in the nice cool house. I also found macaroni noodles under the cabinets in the kitchen somehow lost in the mess of plating dinner to three eager and hungry boys. So he cooked for them, and fed them, and cleaned up the mess so that I could walk into no dishes to do.
I had to stop and remember how the morning had gone for me while he was working. The whining and tantrums and "mom!", "Mom!", "Mom."s over and over again. The bathroom runs and accidents. The "I am so bored", "I have nothing to play with!", and "I only like to play computer!" comments that fill every moment of the day that is not screen-time. "J hit me!", "EE urt ME!", and "He is bothering me!"s that flood over us. I am sure his evening was similar to my morning. We are a team. We do this. We survive it. We choose to love it.
When I focus on what I feel should have been done instead of looking at what was done I can easily get frustrated. When I look at my list compared to his I am sure we both fall very short. This morning I cleaned the filter on the AC, and managed to rescue the vacuum from sucking up the toilet water (Thanks O). I did dishes and started prep on a meal for this week. I also cleaned the pile of clutter from the hall. While managing the boys, cooking and more dishes.
Did I do it all perfect? Did I do the right things at the right times? Did I finish my list? No. Not at all.
I was so fortunate to be walking into the bathroom when I found O with the vacuum tube in the toilet reaching for the on switch. (I had left the vacuum plugged in the hallway outlet so it could have ended pretty badly). I caught O getting cheese slices out of the fridge and put them back only to get to the living room and realize he had already opened two other slices previously and had them squished into "dough" he was trying to play with on the white couch. Earlier, I had to rescue legos from his cereal bowl before he spooned them into his mouth.
So looking back at the morning I could have been the one with silly putty strewn from one end of the house to the other.
As mommy and wife I also cannot place my expectations above anyone else's. They have every right to have expectations if I do. And there are no less valid than mine. Some of the boys expectations may not be possible to have met because, let's face it, FRESH donuts for breakfast every morning and never ending chocolate syrup are pretty delicious goals but not very practical (or healthy) for me as a parent to provide. But I cannot just dismiss their requests as if they were fanciful daydreams because to them they are real. Getting frustrated or angry at them for wanting to play Minecraft all day and do nothing else. When I just declare "time-up" and get even more frustrated when they whine or complain about it is not a good choice. I get upset when the plans I had for my day get squashed and denied for no apparently good reason. Instead a discussion should be had about why donuts every morning would be a bad idea and how food just doesn't happen to appear in the house without someone going to the store to buy it. How playing computer all day, every day (though fun), would not benefit anyone involved and would make them miss out on so many other WONDERFUL things in life.
For my husband, I need to remember the same idea goes for him. When he gets home from work and lets out a frustrated sigh about the dishes being piled inside the sink instead of out of the sink even though I spent the last hour prepping meals for the week and only sat down at the computer for a moment of rest from the disastrous kitchen. When he huffs as he enters and steps on a block and wonders why the toys didn't all get picked up but doesn't see that I have engaged all three boys on the living room rug in a crazy made-up game and we are laughing and enjoying the non-electrical fun WE created. I need to quietly remind myself that I am the same way when I realize my expectations did not get met. I need to take a mental note of what it was he sighed about and move that higher on my list of priorities to help please him. If it is something I cannot make a higher priority I should talk to him about why it doesn't get done and work on a plan to help us both be happier. (ie when O will not nap for me despite my trying to put him to sleep for an hour after lunch, while it takes Shane 5 minutes to put him to sleep just a few hours later). We need to validate each other's expectations and priorities. We are in it all together.
Friday, April 8, 2016
A Note about Marriage
Recently I came upon a post about another marriage falling to pieces. Young children, new stressors, and differences in opinion on what was important in each of the spouses' lives were driving them apart. It broke my heart. Then other people, believers and non, were commenting about how she needed to get out or that she needed to do what made her happy. How it was about her life and what was best for her and her kids... I have heard it before. But I feel like as a believer marriage should be so, SO much more steadfast then it is. It is so much more important. It should mean so much more.
Marriage is not about being "Happy" every day... you have to choose to have joy... it is not natural to just automatically be happy every day with how your life is... it is not natural to have the same feelings you had when you were newlyweds... Marriage is about choosing to LOVE... and Choosing to find joy in the way your life is... and CHOOSING To better yourself in order to be better for the other person. It is putting what THEY need before what you think you need. Sometimes that ends up being a one way street if the other person is not all in for some reason or another... And that is one reason why marriages fail SO much. Both people have to be willing so sacrifice and love despite the others faults and shortcomings. And it stinks sometimes. In my marriage there are times I choose to stick it out and work on what I can work on and pray for him to change and to get out of his funk as soon as possible. I am sure he could say the same at times about me needing a heart change. We each have had stretches of discontentment/selfishness thankfully we don't speak about divorce and made that commitment to each other before we even said "I do".
Marriage is not about being "Happy" every day... you have to choose to have joy... it is not natural to just automatically be happy every day with how your life is... it is not natural to have the same feelings you had when you were newlyweds... Marriage is about choosing to LOVE... and Choosing to find joy in the way your life is... and CHOOSING To better yourself in order to be better for the other person. It is putting what THEY need before what you think you need. Sometimes that ends up being a one way street if the other person is not all in for some reason or another... And that is one reason why marriages fail SO much. Both people have to be willing so sacrifice and love despite the others faults and shortcomings. And it stinks sometimes. In my marriage there are times I choose to stick it out and work on what I can work on and pray for him to change and to get out of his funk as soon as possible. I am sure he could say the same at times about me needing a heart change. We each have had stretches of discontentment/selfishness thankfully we don't speak about divorce and made that commitment to each other before we even said "I do".
We will be sticking out the rough times "for better or worse" is what we vowed... and thankfully we both are on the same page about that.
Faithfulness is a Godly attribute, Love is God, Joy is only from God... selflessness... or putting your spouse first... So many people talk about putting their kids first, no wonder your spouse feels less important in your life! No wonder unbelievers have such a hard time to grasp the concept of lasting marriages they fail to understand the God who created marriage and who is the living example of the fulfillment of the attributes needed for a successful marriage!
So many believers fall into the trap as well. They feel "unhappy", "underappreciated", "disrespected"... Maybe they said different vows than I did. I remember saying "For better or worse, sickness and health, richer or poorer...until death..." Were those just words? Did they only apply if my husband became a successful professional with a steady income full of security and stability? Did it only apply if I, as the wife, grew to be the June Cleaver of the neighborhood who could manage to rear my little ones without burning dinner or leaving dishes in the sink and unfolded laundry sitting in mountains while looking put together when my husband walks in the door night after night with no complaining of needing an escape (or break)? What about when my dreams change and I decide I don't want to be a stay at home mom but would like to pursue a career? What if my dreams don't line up when his? Surely it doesn't apply then... Or does it? Did it mean only when both of us are pulling our weight? Or when both of us felt like it?
Please don't misunderstand, there are things that you may need to seek help about in your marriage. There are things you may need to get away from that are IMPORTANT to not write off as "this is my lot in life... my burden to bear..." Please get help if you need it. I also realize there are times when you cannot stop the other person from giving up. You can do all you can but you cannot change what they do. But when it comes to your "feelings" changing... REALLY?! Seek God! Seek Him only for the things you need. Your spouse will FAIL YOU if you are putting all your trust and hope in them! They are HUMAN. God will make even the best of them fail you if He needs to in order to turn your trust and faith back to Him. He is the ONLY unfailing rock... The ONLY steadfast in this life.
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