12 Stones of my Life (stones 1-6)

Leading up to my 40th Birthday this year I shared the 12 Stones of remembrance in my life. I was spurred to share by a message my Pastor had shared. He said we all had stones in our life that shaped us and told us WHO GOD WAS in our life. I know God has done so much for me, but narrowing it down to 12 impactful stories was so good for my soul.

12 Stones in my Life (Stones 1-6)

Stone 1 My Salvation/ My God the Redeemer:     My first stone is the foundation all the others will be built upon. There is no where else to start the journey of life change than at the moment of salvation. I was born into a family surrendered to full-time ministry. My father was the associate pastor at the church my grandfather pastored. My grandma taught Sunday school to toddlers and preschoolers. I remember vague snip-its of being in her class and having her sing songs with us as 2 and 3 year olds. I was saved at a very young age. My memory is terrible. I cannot remember many things from my childhood clearly. I can barely remember what I did last week. However, when it comes to this I remember details. I remember the white bed spread and the rug I knelt on. I remember the anticipation of someone coming home soon that I couldn’t wait to surprise with the news. I have never changed my belief that in that moment I was redeemed. I couldn’t even read yet, but I knew Jesus loved me deeply, I knew I had done wrong things and I knew I wanted to love Jesus with all my heart. I was a child with faith of a child. Simple (maybe naive), but sure. Jesus said to not forbid the children from coming to Him (Matt 19:14). I want to share this testimony not just as my first Stone of Remembrance, but as a plea to not forsake young children from believing and receiving. I know there is a chance a child who believes at a young age may change their mind when they grow older, they may not have meant it, they may not grow in it, they may question or doubt it. On the other hand it could be that they truly believed with all their heart and that they grow in their understanding and knowledge diving so deep into truth and clinging tightly to faith. None of my children (so far) has received Christ at as early an age as I did. It did not stop me from teaching them truths and helping them learn scripture. Their little minds are absorbing so much at the ages of 2, 3 and 4. Pour God’s truth into them and be amazed. This is my foundation stone that all others are built upon: My God redeemed me, saved me, and adopted me to be his child. What an incredible start to my story.

Stone 2
My Baptism/ My God the Conqueror
Being saved at a young age I did not get baptized until much later. Possibly part of that was waiting for my understanding of what it meant. By the time I understood I was already growing in my anxiety (we didn’t call it that back then). I was scared to get baptized. As a child, I clearly remember several times where I was certain I was going to drown. One time was at a pool during our school swim lessons, I got in an area that was too deep and panicked. A classmate jumped in and saved me. The other time was on the beach and I got trapped in an undertow and my dad pulled me out. (It was probably just a ditch in the ocean floor but I thought I was dying). I think those may have played a part in my anxiety but rationally I knew the baptismal pool was safe. I think, even more than fear of drowning, was my fear was having to be in front of the whole church and have everyone watching me. When I finally agreed to do it another child was going to be baptized too. We did it the same service. I was so glad I didn’t have to do it by myself. This memory always hits me as so irrational but still so real. My dad was the pastor of our church so he was going to be the one to baptize me. The whole thing should not have been scary to me. I know it was Satan using my fear as a weapon against me. He did not want me to put my fear aside for my God. I am glad that I finally allowed my fear to get swallowed up. I am thankful for the child who was baptized with me and helped me push through fear and uncomfortableness. The fear of man is an ever present, ongoing issue I face even as I come to 40 years on this earth. This memory is where I let God win, in one moment, walking over my fear and telling it has no place here. I have continually tried allowing God to work despite my fear in so many ways as I have grown, whether it is singing in front of a congregation, leading a Bible study, advocating for my children, even just driving through city traffic. I have asked God to take my fear in the moment and help me walk over it to accomplish what needs to get done. He has been my conqueror many, many times.

Stone 3
Taking Steps/ My God my Master
As I graduated high school I told myself and others, I was NOT going to be a missionary. I was NOT going to follow in my parents’ foot steps. I was NOT going to do full time ministry. I didn’t want to even entertain the idea. I decided to study nursing. Several good friends were going into nursing and I had NO idea what to study and it sounded fun. I went through a lot of ups and downs. I struggled to find myself when I got to college. As a missionary kid you can get caught in an in between place. Caught between the culture you lived in and the culture you are from. We had the added bonus of going to an international school while on the field that was like a little jumbled up culture of its own in a bubble in the host culture. Put on top of that mess the fact that I was 17 when I left the only home I knew, put out from under my parents who were so attentive and caring, to a world of strangers. It was a LOT. Nursing school was so great. I loved the classes and learning. My analytical brain thrived on the science and numbers. However, something was off. I transferred to Florida after my first year at College. I had good grades but the financial advisor had told me I could study nursing anywhere else for cheaper. My parents were in Florida that year for furlough so I moved in with them. I worked at the church day camp through the summer and subbed at the Christian school during the semester between my college classes. During a missions conference at my church that fall, I finally could not shake the hand on my shoulder pushing me to surrender my future to Bible college. I know God had been pressing on my heart for much longer than that, but I finally listened then. I had just been accepted into the nursing program at my new school after having to take a semester of prerequisites because I had transferred in. It was a coveted spot among my classmates. Even so, I knew I needed to stop heading my own way and see what God had in store if I followed His guiding hand instead. This would be my 3rd college in 2 years! (I transferred for the Spring semester). Instead of feeling anxious and embarrassed, the peace and joy that overwhelmed me in that moment was so incredible. Whenever I begin trying to push my own agenda or desires, when I try to ignore God’s pressing hand on my back guiding me, this memory needs to be forefront in my mind. The beauty, relief and peace of surrender is the best feeling. God is my good master. He directs my steps and turns me where He wills.

Stone 4
True Love/ My God my Good Father
All during my first years of college I struggled. I was trying to assert my independence and “find myself”. I made some poor choices, I got into situations that could have been avoided. I began to feel guilt like I had never experienced before. Before moving to Florida to be with my family I had almost completely stopped attending church. I remember nights at college that I would just yell at the sky “Where are you!?”. I had not found a place I felt like I belonged and I had not put in effort to get involved so that I could begin to feel connected. That coupled with the guilt for the decisions I was making just had me running from God while wondering why He seemed so distant. It became apparent that while I knew God loved me I could not grasp the extent of that love. While living with my parents in Florida for that one semester I had a glimpse of my old self. But as soon as they left me at Bible college I once again was thrown into a struggle of finding my identity through the lies I was believing. I was living in a darkness I couldn’t get above as I fought against guilt and shame. I would get over it enough to glimpse light and take a breath but then get plunged back down. I was wallowing in a guilty conscience that had me questioning every day if I was worth anything to anyone let alone to God. I felt like an imposter when I would go to class and when I would sit in church. Always thinking “If they only knew… then they wouldn’t want me here…” It amazes me how the lies can get so twisted into our minds that truth can’t even find a foothold anymore. I had returned to Florida for the summer of 05 to work at the day camp. My parents were back on the mission field. I was struggling deeply. I had thought about how to end my life many times that summer. I would just be driving down the road and the urge would hit me to just drive off the road. How easy would it be? I broke down crying in the parking lot of the church I was attending. I don’t remember why I was parked there. God led me where He knew I would be found that day. A man who worked at the church had me open the door and he sat with me. I don’t remember much of what he said or if I said anything. But I know I left that moment reminded that I was not alone. Not long after that I had a meeting with my parents that I walked into. I realized it was an intervention. I remember them telling me that NO matter what I had done or what I would do they would always love me. They would always be my parents, and they would always be there for me. I left the room and took it to heart. My eyes were opened in an understanding I had failed to see before, even more than their love. I realized that if imperfect parents who were flawed and battling the flesh could love me, why did I keep doubting God’s love for me? From then on I have reminded myself that God loves me even at my darkest and worst. And I was finally able to embrace his forgiveness fully. This memory has served as a foundation for my grasp of forgiveness, grace, unconditional love and mercy. Whenever guilt rears its ugly head, whenever a question pops up about my worth, this memory stops it in its tracks. My God is the perfect Father who loves me with a perfect love.

Stone 5
The Unexpected/ My God the Sovereign One
I returned to Bible college in the fall of 2005. I struggled with the lies but this time I knew I could fight back. I met with a Biblical Counselor recommended to me and he filled me with some truths I needed to put into action. Around that time I met Shane. We began dating by the end of October. Making a LONG story short, we got married after my graduation in 2008. Shane still had a couple years to go. I applied to work at a small Christian school I had done after school care for. The plan, in my head, was to work as an assistant teacher in the preschool and transition to my own classroom once I got some experience. God had a sense of humor as enrollment spiked for that year. They gave me a WHOLE class of about 20 4-year-olds, and a wonderful aide who put up with my inexperience. I lasted one year. It was a whirlwind and stressful and I pray every day that I didn’t mess up those kids for life! I was about 5 months pregnant with Curtis when I was let go. The school year had ended and I was the last hire and so the first let go when the enrollment numbers dropped. I found myself stuck trying to find a job while visibly pregnant. I got one interview where they assured me my pregnancy was not an issue but I did not get hired. I ended up spending time volunteering at the Missions office for the summer, filing and trying to organize some cabinets. I don’t know that I did much good but I had a good time and felt useful. I was honestly just thankful to have something to do. Little did I know that Curtis would make a surprise entrance into the world 7 weeks early in the very beginning of July. Being a NICU mom was a whole experience in and of itself where God tested and refined me. Upon his discharge from the NICU, 28 days after his birth, he was still on a monitor for his breathing and heart. We were told to keep him out of daycare until he was 6 months old. I stayed home with him while Shane went to school and worked nights. When Curtis was old enough I applied for a job at the local hospital on the Mother/baby unit. I got hired right away for a day shift position. I found out later that day shift positions on that unit rarely open up and when they do are usually filled quickly from inside the hospital. I had requested during my interview to not work on Sundays. This was a non-negotiable for me as I had been out of church before and knew the spiral I associated with it. I didn’t want to give anyplace to that. I had worked night shift through the end of college to avoid missing church. With Shane working nights and a baby at home it would not be possible to do nights. If I had been told “No” I was prepared to look for another job. To my amazement, I was told that would be no problem because we scheduled our own shifts every month. As long as I scheduled myself for enough Saturday shifts I was able to avoid working Sundays. (Anyone who has worked health care knows it is hard to find a job that does not require work on Sundays). It ended up being one of the best jobs with incredible co-workers who poured into me. Every shift they began with a quick unit meeting and always closed the meeting in prayer over our patients, shift and coworkers. This was NOT a Christian hospital and it amazed me how God put me in the perfect place to have ladies around me who gave God first place in the work place. God knew what he was doing way back when I lost my teaching job. He prepared the way for this incredible opportunity. This memory is the foundation for the countless times I end up in an unexpected circumstance. I remember that God’s timing is perfect, His plan is better than any I could ever have imagined and I need to rest in Him. He removes me for a reason and He will lift me back up in His time. He is the sovereign one, in control of all things at all times.

Stone 6
I Surrender All/ My God the Worthy One
In 2012 we moved to Ohio. I have to be honest that I dragged my feet in SO many ways. I had wanted to be a missionary when I surrendered to go to Bible college. I had met and married a man who wanted to be a missionary. We were going to be missionaries. One of his last years at Bible college, after I had already graduated, he told me he thought he was supposed to work with youth. At first I assumed he meant overseas with youth. He slowly explained that he meant American youth. It took courage for him to tell me this truth. I am sure he struggled with how to tell me for a while. Needless to say, I was unhappy with the turn of events. I had surrendered to full-time ministry but apparently only if it fit in my narrow vision of ministry. I was terrified of teenagers. I was a kid person. Put me in a room with a bunch of little kids and I would be great. But teens?! I was not a “let’s paint our nails and do hair” kind of girl. I dreaded what the youth group girls would think of me. I dreaded what they would say about me (Fear of man rearing its head again). We got to Ohio and I found out I was pregnant almost right away. I felt like my plate was overflowing. I was in a completely new place, in a completely new church, working with a new demographic than I had ever worked with before. I had a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. The church offered no nursery for any service besides Sunday morning. Jeffrey was a very difficult toddler. I mean that in the nicest way possible. As soon as he learned to walk at 13 months, he was a runner and would try to escape all the time. He was very aggressive when he would have to transition tasks. He was aggressive when someone would mess up his “play” that was basically organizing and arranging objects by size, color or into lines. He was into EVERYTHING as soon as I turned my back. I was very nervous about having another baby. I felt I was in over my head with what I had already. Here we were, ready-or-not. As apprehensive as I was the shock gave way to excitement as the time went on. I have been into writing most of my adult life. I began a blog where I began writing to my baby the very day I had the positive test. Shane and I attended the fall fellowship meeting that September for our Baptist organization and I began having some spotting. It started as just a little. But I felt something was wrong. I went ahead and called the doctor I had found who graciously offered an ultrasound to me just to reassure me. I remember going ahead to the meeting and singing “I Surrender All”. I remember begging God to not take the baby. I remember singing “I Surrender All” and Him clearly saying to my heart “If you are not willing to surrender this child to me, are you really surrendering your all?” Singing that song knowing, in my heart, I was losing my baby, was a turning point in my life. How deep is my surrender? What am I willing to let go of if God were to require it of me? How much do I think following God is worth? At the ultrasound I remember watching the screen with anticipation as the tech took measurements. She didn’t play the heartbeat. She chatted and typed not missing a beat. I remember we left the room and waited for the doctor. Shane asked if it was too early to hear the heartbeat. I remember looking at him and saying “No, it is too late.” We waited in silence for the doctor, she calmly told us that she believed I had a missed miscarriage but they would do several blood draws to be sure before we had to decide on anything else as there was a chance my dates were just off. Baby was measuring a few weeks behind what I should have been (I knew even in that case there should have been a heartbeat). In the end I lost the baby. I found total surrender for a season. Over the next year and a half I poured my all into those teens and into my boys. Following God was worth being out of my comfort zone. God was worthy of my best effort. I found that I loved doing it. The youth group blessed me more than I think they will ever know. They were on fire, they were a joy, they were just what I needed. I also learned that my children needed to be my biggest ministry. Sometimes I failed to remember that as time went on but I was often reminded of it in subtle ways. God worked a mighty work in my stubborn heart in Ohio. He was worthy of my surrender, my praise, my plans, my life. He was worthy of my children’s lives and of their future. Worthy of it all.
I am going to close this with an excerpt from a poem I wrote while grieving the loss of this Little One:
To mourn the life I never met
The life I grew inside...
May seem silly to the world outside
But as it passes on
To me this life had meaning
To love, protect and grow.
It taught me trust in a new found light.
It taught me to give up.
It taught me that in life and death
God still had control.
So in my mind this tiny life
Had great purpose all it's own
And so I will remember it
In love and grief alike
My baby you will always be
No matter how small you were.

For Now

 God has been so good to us as we have continued moving forward. I have enjoyed being a stay at home mom this time around much more than I thought I would. I found a groove and have loved being with A more during these early years.

He is once again attending special ed preschool through the school district. He was moved to the afternoon group around Spring break 2025. He was struggling with some new kids in the morning class and just getting overwhelmed. Academically he could keep up with the afternoon group so he was moved to the smaller/older class. He has done well with the change and began this year with the afternoon group. It definitely changed up the routine but in many ways he does better in the afternoon. He is ready to be alert and can function as he gets to sleep in. They have discussed the possibility of moving him to full day at the winter break. They will make assessments before then and give advice on what they feel is best for him. We are not sure what next year will look like as he will be 5. 

His sister, A is a senior this year. We tried allowing her to attend public school part time last semester and pulled her out before the year was finished. Behaviors had escalated and we were not going to continue. She is in charge of her schedule and courses this year. If she does the work she will get her homeschool diploma and a transcript. If she doesn't then she can decide if she will get her GED or not in the future. I told her whatever she decides is her choice. She has been very adamant on getting out of the house and out from under our roof. We will see if she puts any plans in motion over the coming year. She will be 18 in May. She is going to be babysitting for the first time alone on Sunday evening. We will see how it goes. It is a good opportunity for her. I am really hoping it goes well and she can find that she enjoys it. It will be a good opening to get some experience and references lined up for the future.

Shane's business fell through about February 2024. He worked hard to try to pull it back up, but it didn't. He finally began looking for a job and worked as a custodian for the local school district. He enjoyed it. The school told him at the end of the summer that they were cutting his shift out and his only option would be to work the 3:00-11:30 shift getting home that late every day would mean not seeing the boys at all except on weekends. He couldn't do that with the current situations we have been dealing with between some behaviors and issues. Me alone with all the kids is just not a good plan. This goes back to why he stepped down from Chipotle when he was a manager there. The evening hours are just not feasible in a home with so many varying needs. 

I had already been putting out feelers but I began looking earnestly for a day job around that time. I had been thinking of waiting until A was in kindergarten or at least full day preschool. I found a tutoring job for a home school family that would be part time, but I knew when Shane's job told him the news I would need more. So I applied at the school district to be a para. I have still not begun the job but the offer was extended to me so now I am just waiting for the official go ahead. Meanwhile Shane has been able to monetize his youtube channel and is working on getting a couple more up and running for some income options. He also restructured his ebay store and began loading his inventory back up. It has been a crazy year and a half. We are hanging on by the skin of our teeth and the gifts of others. God has been sustaining us. One step at a time.

Taking Some Big Steps through Diagnosis

Our baby had a hearing test end of March 2023. We learned he did have mild to moderate hearing loss in his left ear. We had follow ups after this  with mixed results and inconclusive outcomes. Finally it was determined that he did in fact need tubes before they could assess any further. Tubes were not able to get scheduled for at least 3 months out it was longer than they wanted us to wait with his speech being so delayed. We ended up with a call with an opening that very week from a cancelation! They were placed in the fall of 2023 and his hearing retested. He had normal hearing in both ears. Such a blessing.

We also had a speech evaluation completed in Spring of 2023. During the long process the doctor asked countless questions. She observed A in the room as he played and maneuvered toys. He played with the wheels on the cars and spun the gears around and around in silence. He continually grabbed my hand or her hand to "show" us something or to have us help. I explained his love for the alphabet and his alphabet puzzle he has at home. She got an alphabet puzzle out and he immediately began flapping his hands in his excited way. He was so happy to see the letters. He still did not speak much. As he did the puzzle carefully he pointed and moved each letter. He got to "O" (his favorite) and yelled "OH!" She was so surprised. She said, "You said that clearly!" I explained that he said many letters pretty clear (for a 2 year old). We discussed the words he was saying. We talked about the words and phrases I had heard once and then never again. It all added up to more and more anxiety in my mind. Where was this going? She asked if he turned his voice on to get my attention (even if not saying words). He does. She asked if he played quiet often alone. How he interacted with other children when he had play groups. Did he interact with others? Did he share toys or fight to keep toys?

She went to type her report. When she got back to us she announced that she was diagnosing him with Mixed Receptive-Expressive Language Disorder. She went over the next steps. My mind slowly became more numb. She did not think it was due to his hearing loss.

She also said "I cannot diagnose Autism, I do believe you need to get an evaluation done as soon as possible". She explained that it would help know how to best move forward with him and how his brain learns and processes. She also believed he was a Gestalt Language Processor and would learn best using phrases instead of words.

We were able to get Speech services started with a state funded program for toddlers. The therapist came to our home and worked with A for an hour 3 times a month giving me insight and tools to work with him on my own. It was a great program and helped me better assess how he was progressing.

We did end up getting the Autism and developmental screening done at the Children's Hospital and the wait is so long but it is such an important thing to be sure to have people who know exactly what they are doing so you can have accurate answers and clear pictures. We went through the process and in the Fall of 2023 A was diagnosed with Level 2 ASD. He shows signs of Hyperlexia and Gestalt Language processing.

Around the same time the therapy services we were using for his speech therapy started helping us transition him to the school system which he would start upon his 3rd birthday. We had the first meeting with them in November 2023. They did a sensory profile to see his sensory needs and he did have several needs we could work on helping with.

He turned 3 in February 2024 and began preschool in a special education classroom the next day. He gets speech therapy and occupational therapy during his school day. He loves getting to ride the bus home.

God has provided people in our path to give guidance and encouragement. He is growing and thriving so far and we are excited to see how he grows through school interactions and with the therapies they can do with him.

Can You Hear Me?

Our baby turned 2 last month. He has been such a blessing. We have seen so much joy and laughter fill our house since his arrival.

His beginning was rough as he struggled to breathe on his own. He was on oxygen for several days after birth and lost weight. Once his breathing eased he began growing and has not stopped. For the most part his development has been on track.

He did not begin babbling when he was "supposed" to. He turned one and was just saying "dada" regularly and not much else. 

We were dealing with issues with food sensitivities in A. The doctor had us documenting any reactions we saw and trying to avoid foods that caused the reactions until we could get in with an allergist. None of the reactions were serious and so many things seemed to be causing the reaction so it was time consuming just trying to find foods that were "safe" to feed him while waiting on the specialist appointment.

As he turned 18 months he was saying "dada", "ball", "cat" and occasionally "mama". The doctor said he was concerned but would re-evaluate at 2 years since A was beginning to babble much more. It was our hope that he would catch up. Meanwhile our specialist appointment was approaching to check on the possible allergy.

In those 6 months I worked with him on speaking. Reading to him, playing games, singing songs. I would give him directions to follow and he occassionaly would catch on. By 20 months he was able to bring me his sippy cup when I asked for it and could get his pacifier when it was bedtime. I could say "Its bedtime," and he would get his paci and go to the door to the bedroom. As far as any new "speech" he said "juice" once but never again and he said "cup" once. He would babble up a storm and pretend talk on a phone using expressive faces and hand gestures like he was speaking fluently. But no new real words. He loved to point to the alphabet on his toys and say sounds as he moved to each letter but they were not the real sounds or the real letters.

At his allergist appointment we were told he had sensitive skin but no true allergies so he was cleared to eat all foods like normal once more and we could use a skin barrier cream if we were concerned about the redness. The allergist then looked at me and said "How do you feel about his speech?" I assured him our pediatician was on top of it and the allergist said "I wouldn't be doing my job as a doctor if I didn't mention it." Obviously we were not making enough progress.

Shortly before his second birthday I had a lady come up to me as I picked A up from the nursery and ask me if he was hard of hearing. I was surprised and assumed she meant because of his lack of speech. She said that it wasn't his speech that made her question it. She had tried to get his attention several times and he seemed like he couldn't hear her and then she tested a few different ways to see if he would turn to her and he never did. This shocked me because I am with him most days and I had not put it together. We knew it was hard to get his attention but just assumed he was being stubborn or distracted. He seemed to hear when his dad called him from downstairs and he seemed to move to the music on his shows.

As the days passed and I began observing him differently I began to see things I hadn't put together before. He always stood in front of the television when his shows were on. He had always done this and we thought it was just because he didn't like to sit to watch them. So I put him on the couch and turned the volume of the tv up and was floored when he stayed on the couch laughing and watching the screen. I turned the volume back down and he immediately got off the couch and stood in his spot wiggling back and forth as he watched. I moved him back to the couch and he immediately got back down to the floor in front of the TV. I turned the volume back up and put him back on the couch and he sat and stayed for the remainder of his show!

I began speaking louder to him as I read him stories and sang the alphabet song. He began trying to imitate my sounds. Still not many words but we were just beginning.

At his 2 year appointment the doctor said he was globally delayed and mentioned Autism to me. I asked if we could have his hearing tested. He said they could do the screening right there. The nurse came and hooked up the machine and the right ear passed. When she tried the left ear she thought the machine wasn't working right so she tried it a few times. Finally she showed me the screen as nothing registered. She went to tell the doctor that his left ear failed the test.

We got refered to the children's hospital for hearing tests and speech evaluation. 

I began researching unilateral hearing imparment in toddlers and learned a few things I didn't realize before. In our minds if he can hear out of one ear then he should be fine but through reading I found that it isn't the case we use both ears to filter what we hear and when you only have one ear that is functioning correctly there is no clear way to filter the sounds well. So it makes it hard for him. He can focus on one sound at a time. When his show is playing he isn't intentionally ignoring us when we are calling him he just doesn't hear us calling to him. Some things that have helped: having the room quiet while I read him a story, having him sit on my lap with his good ear towards me, speaking louder than I normally would, and making sure we have his attention when we give him directions. All in all we have seen him gaining some speech with just these small changes.

His appointment with the children's hospital won't happen until the end of the month. Until then we will continue to try things and see where we get.

I don't know if this hearing loss is permenant or if it can be fixed. Two of our boys needed ear tubes in elementary school when they could not hear. Both of them were speaking before that happened. In both cases thier hearing improved once they got the ear tubes. If it is just something simple like that we will be excited and thankful. Until it can be fixed we will need to work with him where he is at and let him have the volume turned up as we teach him letter sounds and words. We will work with speech therapy to get him caught up once he is hearing clearly as well.

If it is something that is permanent we will continue down this road and see what is in store. I have never been there and we aren't there yet. I will try to research and learn what I can.

I see his desire to communicate and his excitement at interactions with us. I believe once he catches on there will be no stopping him from telling us all the things on his mind!

As far as the global delay, we will see what the future has in store. Part of me believes most of the delay is due to the inability to hear clearly. So we will tackle one thing at a time and see where we end up.

My oldest son has been diagnoised with high functioning autism so it is not beyond reason that A could also have autism. One step at a time and one assessment at a time. No diagnosis needs to define him. But the more information we have the better we can work to meet any needs he may have moving forward.

Opening the Windows, Feeling the Light

 On this road I have had many moments where I didn't know what God was doing. I still cannot fully comprehend what he has in store. The darkness I was going through 3 years ago has ebbed. Light is shinning through again. It isn't the same light but it is light. Ministry is not in my future right now. My family is whole and my spouse is beside me in a church pew singing songs of praise to our Savior again. He has joy in his heart and laughter in his eyes. For all that I am so ever grateful.

I cannot put into words the trial the past 5 years have been. The light began to come back slowly. It seemed like it never would. I have learned that it might never be exactly the same as it once was and I am okay with that. I think, in a way, this is an even deeper truth then we had before. A stronger togetherness then previously seen. A bond that has been through some fires and tested, and held.

I discovered my anxiety was not under control and was able to find a solution that is working well for me.

My husband found a profession that he enjoys and runs his own business out of our basement.

I was working two jobs to support our family while my husband was in the midst of his battles. We had the COVID pandemic and shut downs where he couldn't have worked much anyway while caring for the kids at home. It was a big test in the midst of all the rest going on. I was in an essential possition when it came to both my jobs so I was kept busy. There were always extra shifts to pick up.

As the darkness was beginning to ease we decided it was time to try for another baby before I got much older. I had decided that after a certain age I didn't want to have any more children and my husband really wanted another. We welcomed a baby boy into our family February 2021. He was born early and spent a week at the hosptial. My body did not handle the pregnancy well. I am glad that I knew he would be my last baby.

After having the baby I quit my part time job and tried to focus on my main job while having a new baby. My husband was struggling still with some things so it wasn't very easy. When my daughter made it clear that traditional school was not working for her I made the decision to quit working altogether to stay home with the baby and homeschool her. I enjoyed my job and quitting it was hard but it was something I knew I needed to do.

My husband's business was taking off and doing well. He needed to focus on that and his other issues.

Staying home and teaching my daughter have been incredible. I have grown my relationship with her in many ways and I have been able to see her learn and push herself. She doesn't always like homeschool but she is thriving and the spark I have seen in her is encouraging.

Being able to be the caregiver for my new son has been a gift as well. I am enjoying the little moments with him as he is growing and trying not to take them for granted.

God has been gracious in so many areas of my life in these years. I see his hand working and supporting me in the darkest days.

Just seeing my husband beside me in the pew on Sunday is a reminder that God handles even the hardest things.

Walking Wearily

I have been here. I have written and rewritten posts. None came to anything I felt I could share publically. I saved them for my private viewing.

I have been walking in a darkness I couldn't see through.

The details are not important. What is important is that life doesn't go down a set path. There is nothing that says if you start out right everything will go the way you think it should.

Just because you marry a man who loves God and wants to serve with his whole life, it doesn't mean that somewhere down the road he will turn his back on God (Whether for a season or for a lifetime). Depression, rejection, disappointment, unbelief doesn't only plague those who are not serving.

Just because you have taught your children truth, it does not mean that when they leave your home they will follow the path God has set before them. The world can lure them astray. The lies of the devil can still flood their minds.

It is so hard to watch. It is hard to see it happen to women I look up to and love. But I never expected it to happen to me. Until the day my husband made excuses to not go to church. Being "sick", "tired", or work conflicts turned to just not coming at all. He stopped riding with us to Wednesday night, then it became Sunday mornings too. I saw the passion drain from him far before that. I watched it seep from him like a life force draining. His mood shifted, his anger quickened. It was so hard to watch. I thought "Not me God...Not him..." Through the past 2 years it went from "I just don't feel like it" to "I don't think I believe in that stuff."

This from a Bible college graduate who surrendered his life to service for the Lord. The man I fell in love with when I was studying to be a missionary.

What is God doing? What was I doing?

Christian depression is real. Feeling insignificant and usless. Feeling empty. Feeling alone.

Pray for those in ministry. Pray for those families in your church. Pray for the marriages. Pray for the men who shoulder the burden of leading the home. Pray for your spouse. Pray for Satan to not gain footholds. pray for God to reign and to make his presence known. Pray for light to shine in the shadowy spaces where there are hidden burdens and broken pieces. Pray for brothers and sisters to see the darkness before it creeps in. Pray they will have wisdom on how to be God's hands and feet in those places making sure the light permeates the spaces.

marriage

Marriage. People go into marriage so bright eyed and hopeful. They dream of the future minimizing pain, hurt, disappointment and weariness.

No "what ifs" matter. No distant challenges could ruin the joy.

They pledge vows to one another saying "I do".

Then the in sickness happens and mental health crisis causes one of them to face crippling depression...months of shutting the partner out as they deal with the deamons that daily threaten to control thier mind. Anxiety causes indesiveness and fear of failure. Making plans is a challenge. Just getting through the day is a matter of pushing and encouraging and begging. 

In sorrow: Loss of a child wedges an abis between you as grief hits in completely different ways. Fertility issues and navigating the steps to take if any. The pain that comes from a diagnosis of a child with a chronic illness or handicap. The loss of what we pictured life would be like for us and our child.

For poorer hits... First it's just a little extra spending but then the addiction comes to light and the insurmountable bills start pouring in. It wasn't what the partner thought they signed up for. Loss of a job and the bills are running behind but it's just one or two. It will get caught up. Can't find a new job until the electricity is shut off and then the water company is knocking at the door and you are too afraid to answer the door or the phone and you just want to pretend like no one is home. Groceries come from a food pantry and all taste like cardboard because they are past the expiration date...But you have to eat it anyway....

For worse...the yelling... The personality shifts. The change in career that doesn't just effect one person...it changes all of your lives. A move across the country away from those you love. Thier faith is rocked. They stop showing up for church. They stop seeing the importance of it all. They make decisions that are bad. They pick up habbits that don't align with your beliefs. Her drive leaves her and she gives you the cold shoulder night after night for months and months because she is tired...irritated...unwell...

Did you mean what you pledged?

Did those vows really mean what they said?

Marriage is not a beautiful perfect ring of sparkling joy.

Marriage is work.

We dive in head first into a shimmering lake only to find out there are boulders and jagged rocks just beneath the surface we we're lucky enough to miss on our way down. Navigating the waters around those rocks as the current of society is dragging us down is nearly impossible. Unless we stop trying to get through unscatched and unchanged. We must look down at ourselves and see that we are just as jagged and sharp and hard as the rocks we have just jumped into. We are going to bump and cut just as much as our partner is. Marriage is two imperfect people trying to live a perfect covenant that we are totally incapable of living up to until Christ comes. Being an imperfect person pledged to another imperfect person we are going to have some strife.

Marriage is not about the "I do"s because inevitably they will not be lived up to perfectly. It is more about daily pledging to once again give up and let go of the "I want"s and instead saying "I will".

"I will love my husband", "I will find a way to serve my wife today." "I will think about what he might need today."