Opening the Windows, Feeling the Light

 On this road I have had many moments where I didn't know what God was doing. I still cannot fully comprehend what he has in store. The darkness I was going through 3 years ago has ebbed. Light is shinning through again. It isn't the same light but it is light. Ministry is not in my future right now. My family is whole and my spouse is beside me in a church pew singing songs of praise to our Savior again. He has joy in his heart and laughter in his eyes. For all that I am so ever grateful.

I cannot put into words the trial the past 5 years have been. The light began to come back slowly. It seemed like it never would. I have learned that it might never be exactly the same as it once was and I am okay with that. I think, in a way, this is an even deeper truth then we had before. A stronger togetherness then previously seen. A bond that has been through some fires and tested, and held.

I discovered my anxiety was not under control and was able to find a solution that is working well for me.

My husband found a profession that he enjoys and runs his own business out of our basement.

I was working two jobs to support our family while my husband was in the midst of his battles. We had the COVID pandemic and shut downs where he couldn't have worked much anyway while caring for the kids at home. It was a big test in the midst of all the rest going on. I was in an essential possition when it came to both my jobs so I was kept busy. There were always extra shifts to pick up.

As the darkness was beginning to ease we decided it was time to try for another baby before I got much older. I had decided that after a certain age I didn't want to have any more children and my husband really wanted another. We welcomed a baby boy into our family February 2021. He was born early and spent a week at the hosptial. My body did not handle the pregnancy well. I am glad that I knew he would be my last baby.

After having the baby I quit my part time job and tried to focus on my main job while having a new baby. My husband was struggling still with some things so it wasn't very easy. When my daughter made it clear that traditional school was not working for her I made the decision to quit working altogether to stay home with the baby and homeschool her. I enjoyed my job and quitting it was hard but it was something I knew I needed to do.

My husband's business was taking off and doing well. He needed to focus on that and his other issues.

Staying home and teaching my daughter have been incredible. I have grown my relationship with her in many ways and I have been able to see her learn and push herself. She doesn't always like homeschool but she is thriving and the spark I have seen in her is encouraging.

Being able to be the caregiver for my new son has been a gift as well. I am enjoying the little moments with him as he is growing and trying not to take them for granted.

God has been gracious in so many areas of my life in these years. I see his hand working and supporting me in the darkest days.

Just seeing my husband beside me in the pew on Sunday is a reminder that God handles even the hardest things.