The Secret Loss

Some losses are public and hard to forget. Some are so tragic and heart breaking. Some happen in great earth shaking circumstances that can even change the direction of the world. However some losses are private, secret even. They happen when no body notices. By the time anyone realizes something is wrong they are already gone. I am talking about miscarriages.

On August 7th I was shocked to see two lines appear on my home pregnancy test. I didn't expect to be pregnant, nor did I think I wanted to be at this time in my life with all the changes already going on around me. However, I knew that I needed to trust God and that His plan was so much better than mine and as the days past I grew so much more excited and happy to have the opportunity to have three children in my life.
I was excited for my first appointment and nervous about a new doctor and a new town and new hospital, but I was excited all the same.

I grew a sweet tooth and a love for melon of any kind (as long as it was ripe and juicy!) I grew nauseous at smells and annoyed by gnats. I couldn't sleep and was uncomfortable from the start. My feet swelled slightly even with it being only the first month of knowing I was expecting. My appetite was up and so was my weight. But I couldn't wait for the first time I would hear that tiny heart beating and see my sweet little dot on the ultrasound.

As the week approached my boys got sick. Then I felt as though I had a fever. I took medicine and rested that weekend. Sunday night I felt cramping and began spotting. I wasn't too worried at first but it continued throughout the night and I began to fear the worst.

I called the doctor the next day and she offered to fit me in but I decided to wait since the day it was scheduled for would be better for us since we had the two boys and some other things going on (Like the fellowship meeting for one). I knew there would be nothing the doctor could do if the baby was already gone and if it wasn't gone I knew sitting in meetings wasn't going to cause it more damage and that I could always call back if I felt the need to move it closer.

I enjoyed the meeting and Monday I was not so concerned with the idea that the baby was gone. I was still believing there was a chance.

Tuesday night that changed. My thoughts during the meeting on Tuesday night were: "I am sitting here surrounded by people and I am loosing my baby with each passing minute and nobody knows." A secret loss is what I was facing.

As they began to sing the altar call "I Surrender All" I felt God tapping me on the shoulder and saying "Do you surrender?... Do you REALLY surrender it ALL to me?... Do you surrender your sweet baby to me?"

I said "NO GOD!.... I don't! I don't want to surrender that part of me! I don't want to let my baby go..." But as I said it in my mind, SCREAMING it to God I knew right than that I was wrong and what He asked was true. My baby was beyond my control. My baby wasn't mine to keep or protect or save. My baby was God's. He had blessed it to me. My baby was His to take or give when and why He wished. I cried and cried. I cried SO hard. I moaned and said "OH! GOD!" I didn't want to let go of what I was holding on. I was clinging to the strings of hope and trying to control what never was mine. I gave up control and gave Him it all. I begged him to let me hear the heart beat. I begged Him to allow me to keep the sweet baby safe inside. But I gave Him control once I begged and begged. And I left it all at His feet.

In the morning when we watched the pictures on the screen. The quiet silence filled the room despite the Tech's sweet voice. She filled the blaring silence with questions and typing hands and never allowed a pause to form. My husband didn't even catch what was wrong until we left the room. He asked me if it was too soon to hear that precious sound.

No. It wasn't too soon... it was too late. My precious baby was gone for good! The empty shell inside of me was all it left behind. We waited to be called and to be told the tragic news.

The aide was sweet and let me cry waiting patiently beside. She finished her questions and the doctor came in and told us what I already knew. She told me my baby most likely was gone several weeks before. In silence when no one knew my baby left this world! Before I even could have known that something was terribly wrong.

And that my friends is the secret loss. A loss that no body knows or feels, until the effects are felt and seen, the loss just goes unknown.

My baby is safe in God's strong arms. He rocks it to sleep for me. He holds its hand and wipes its tears even as He is wiping mine. He comforts it as He comforts me and holds us to His heart.

My God is good. Yes, all the time. My God is so good to me! I praise you God for your great love and what you have done for me! I thank you, my God, for loving me and letting me love this babe. I know you will keep and treasure it until eternity ends. Thank you for your faithfulness. Thank you for this pain.
I learned to give my all to you. I learned to trust your plan. I thank you for this lesson Lord. Thank you for my babe.

Walking to the Next Step

We had an evangelist come fill the pulpit this Sunday while our pastor is out of town and my husband is at camp with the teens.
Expecting a message from an evangelist I was ready to be preached at. I love how passionate and how excited these preachers can be. I absolutely LOVE the way they bring hard truths and throw it in people's faces, and yet, do it in a way where people actually change, or at least desire the change.
This speaker was no different and impressed me tremendously with his great passion for the people in the room. He spoke and addressed some very tough issues in this church and I don't know that he even knew he was doing it.
God has a way of not wanting his people content with where they are at. He doesn't like people being okay with standing still. He is only okay with having them wait for the next step to be revealed but even them he does not like them only sitting idle. There is way too much to be done yet for the kingdom and WAY too little time to be doing it!
Even in my case, where I have made this great progress forward after a long waiting period, I need to be ever pushing towards the next thing God may be asking me to do. I need to be preparing and serving and working to reach the next level.
Now, the thing about this is that we live in a world of darkness. We are surrounded by this pitch black and the path in front of us is so narrow as the Perfect plan of God has no variation. The wisdom and Word of God act as a light to our feet.
Think of head lights on a vehicle on a dark and unlit road. You can see out several feet in front of you but you can't see any farther until you move farther down the road. We live in a pitch dark world with the light of God shinning in our lives and through our lives. We can see the parts he reveals to us and we need to step forward when he makes that step clear and only when we take that step can we expect him to reveal the next one. It is very rare for Him to reveal his whole plan to someone exactly how he plans for it to happen.
That is why we live through faith and seek His wisdom. It takes faith to keep stepping out not being sure of the outcome we cannot see. We have to trust and believe that what we have read and heard about God is true. We have to believe he has a perfect plan in place for our good and that he offers a more abandant life than even we could imagine for ourselves. It takes faith. God is a good father who gives good gifts. Next is the wisdom we need to ask for. We have to be ready and willing to ask for wisdom when we start allowing our own intellect to get in the way and we begin over thinking and under-achieving. Sometimes we get to the point where we think too much about what others might think of us acting before having the whole plan. God doesn't worry about what others think; He is waiting for us to obey and act and trust and move. God is wanting us to say "Here you go God. I am completely and utterly yours so do with me what you will and whatever you allow is good! May you alone be praised through it all."
Can you honestly say that is your prayer?
The evangelist did an alter call calling men and women to boldly say "I will step out to the next step in my life even though I can't see past it." women walked forward. I saw not one man move. The preacher stood on the pew and called men out. He asked them if they were honestly already doing all God asked them to do. Many shook their heads to say no. But none walked forward. The evangelist pleaded for change. I have never seen one so firm in the idea of the old time revivals where evangelist would literally go up to complete strangers and call them out. This man did and I believe the revival at this church in September got a very good jump start.
I am strongly praying that men will step up in this church and stop following the pressures of this town and start putting the priority on having their family in church and placing God above all else. I am praying teens will make decisions at camp to place God above their sports teams. As fun as sports are in high school it is but a fleeting season. God's truth and his teachings are life long!
I am desperately praying that Shane and I can be a part of seeing great change happen in this small town. I am praying that we can help move young people to become EXCITED about church and being involved in ministry more than about making the all-star team or starting in the football game. I am praying that perhaps they would be more excited about serving at junior camp or VBS or getting to go to Church camp than about going to football or volleyball camp in the summer time. Right now in our area sports are king. My desire is to see a shift towards the real King!
It won't happen overnight. But why not? Why not in little small town USA?Why not? Change can happen in America. Change can happen in our schools and on our streets and in our government but not if God's people aren't sold out for holiness, righteousness and not sold out for God himself.
Man did this turn preachy or what? I am passionate about this stuff. Blessing won't fall on America forever if we keep turning our back on God. One day God might say he is fed up and will there even be one "Moses" or "Abraham" there to plead on our behalf or will God's anger burn and rage against this country that shoved him aside for our own loves and lusts.
Fun times ahead for this ministry. I am so excited! Big things in store!

Missing Out (Overly Cautious and Disobedience)

You ever missed out on something fun as a kid because you disobeyed, or maybe you didn't trust what your parents were telling you. For example we tried and tried to get my preschooler into the pool at the beginning of the Summer. But he wouldn't get in. We went out there almost every other day and tried to coax him in. And each time when it was time to go inside he would cry and scream because he wanted to stay!

Tonight I was reading the recap of the Isrealites journey in the wilderness. They didn't trust what God had to say about it being a wonderful land. They didn't trust that he had their best interest at heart. And then when he decreed their punishment they were all the sudden eager and ready to go and in turn faced a horrible defeat.

I remember many times while growing up where I didn't want to obey my mom. I didn't want to clean my room or whatever it was and then she would tell me I was going to receive my punishment and I instantly changed my tune and thought that if I quickly ran and obeyed she would forget or dismiss my disobedience and forgo the punishment. My mother, however, inflicted the punishment due and I still had to go and complete the task I had failed to accomplish in the first place. Often, in prolonging the unpleasant task, I found my self missing out on something my sisters got to do because they had finished what they were asked to do when they were asked to do it.

Sometimes in life I have found God asks me to do something I don't want to do. Maybe it is because I don't feel comfortable doing it, maybe it doesn't flow with my plans, perhaps I am just plain scared to do it. But in choosing not to do it I not only face possible pain from my disobedience; I also face the knowledge that I missed out on the blessings that would have come from that plan God had for me. It could mean facing the last part of my life wandering in the dry and dusty desert hoping for a brighter future for my children's children instead of basking in a beautiful land being part of the most feared and blessed nation in all the world!

I for one pray every day that I do not miss out on the best God has for me and my family. It only took one angry moment for Moses to miss out on the beautiful land, he died after seeing the land from a far because of his disobedience and lack of confidence in God's leadership.

Pray for wisdom. Pray for guidance. Pray for discernment. Pray.

And move when God says move and wait when God says wait. Even if you don't see something coming there is a reason God is having you pause. So look both ways and listen and watch and don't go on until God says walk. And when he says walk, walk. Keep one foot in front of the other even when it gets rocky or foggy or hard. Walk on and keep looking ahead, as long as God is moving on. He has purpose and a plan. He has the direction and the destination. Just follow and let him lead you on.

The Journey Moves Ahead

The long absence from posting on this blog is mainly due to a lack of motivation on my part to share the boring side of waiting on that next step.
My family tried out at some churches in May and were waiting to find out what would be decided with those. We were very excited about two of the opportunities that were presented to us and didn't want to be forced to say "No." to either one. So, the praying continued intensely for a position to be offered and in my mind and heart I prayed for only one to be offered. I knew which I felt was a better fit in my fleshly mind and spirit and I knew any of them would be a great opportunity for us. But prayer was all I could do. There was waiting and prayer. God had a plan and I knew that it may include a "No, not yet," answer from God which would place us back in the searching and seeking phase all over again. Well, after waiting we got word from one that they were hiring another family. The other answer was delayed and so prayer continued. Finally, one week before our lease was ending for our apartment we got word that we were being offered the position at the church where I had felt we fit in best. I was so overwhelmed with excitement. It felt like it was all going to fall into place. I know just getting a job is not a magic trick that will make all things turn out right, but after what felt like a very long pause we were finally on our way again!
In all the excitement and movement I don't want to overlook the wait. There is so much meaning in a pause when God is the one directing. I know in music, a composser uses rests to create beautiful phrases of melody or to bring a distinct separation in the flow. In turn it adds depth, character, and clarity to the piece. Looking at this waiting phase I can see many things I was taught. Patience on God's perfect timing is so vital. God is working a perfect plan for my life and rushing into something only means all the pieces aren't going to fit as well as if one waits for His timing to be perfect and for His plan to be perfected.
I was also taught that God has purpose in let downs. I believe that in my discouraging times God was preparing my heart for the ministry He was preparing for me. God softened my heart for teen girls very slowly each time we would visit a church or when I would observe in the youth group at my home church. I was being softened and changed. I went from desiring to keep my distance to desiring to share my experiences. I began wanting to open up and in turn I was pleasantly "surprised" to have some of them open up in return.
In the wait I was able to learn that teenage girls may seem very together on the outside (some even more than me as the adult) and yet inside they are struggling with feelings and circumstances just like anybody else, sometimes (most times) even more so.
In the waiting I found an excitement in the thought of getting to work with this age group and to be able to encourage them, knowing that God would empower me with all I would need in order to do the ministry He had for me. God was preparing me.
I also learned to open up. I confided in some wonderful women at my church and always knew I could go to them for anything I may need prayer for. I knew very well that they would be praying for and with me in all things I asked. They shared wisdom with me and I learned to love those moments in the church hallway and always found a sigh of relief once I reached their listening ears and they would bow their head and take my need right then to the Lord. I also found myself asking questions of the youth Pastor's wife there at my church. I found many similarities in her answers about her life and desires. I gleaned several insights into ministry in general and learned how God can take and mold the ministry desires of a wife to her husband's and works them together in harmony and unity even when they weren't thinking on the same page to begin with.
We used the wait to grow and stretch our faith and we learned and gained knowledge while attending our "home" church. We were so blessed to be fed spiritually by a great staff and a wonderful pastor who cares genuinely for us as a couple and family, not just a number or faces in a crowd.
We have said goodbye to that chapter of waiting and yearning now and the steps have been coming at us. We are so excited and thrilled for what God has for us here in this ministry and we can't wait for the next steps of this journey to get underway.
Here we go!

Mother's Day, "I'm the best mommy in the world!"

I am the best mommy in the world! Theres a lot I can't do. In fact sometimes I think for a brief moment, "God, what were you thinking allowing me to have this family." I am no super mom. I don't have crafty powers to pull some crazy great activity together to keep a 2 year old engaged while keeping a teatering one-year old from falling or eating everything he shouldn't. I have no skills in the form of cooking hidden vitamines into my boys food, or making fruit and veggies disappear off their plates. I allow television to be watched in my home in both the evenings and the mornings (horrible mommy ALERT:and frankly there are days it stays on children's shows ALL day! We don't plop on the couch and watch it all day but the music and sounds in the background help keep me pumped and engaged.) Sometimes I remember music can do the same thing but I find myself using the tv instead because it is simpler to press one button than to go to the hassle of getting a computer to play the music I want to hear. (yes I know...so lazy.) I am lax in my home rules and think that's okay. I really have very few. I allow balls in the home. I allow batting (plastic bat and ball) in ky living room! I even play games of catch with balls of ALL kinds. I don't get upset when my boys use outside voices inside (though I do remind them). I don't have mind powers to tell you what my boys want every second of every day, but I try to.
I try my very best. And that is the point right. Moms try and through EVERY single one of us have moments where we think WHAT am I doing?! I think EVERY single one of us who tries has kids who look up and think "Man, I have the best Mom in the world!"

My preschooler does some funny things that crack me up and remind me I have the BEST job EVER! He was throwing a foam football around the living room and it must have bumped his head because he comes running over to me and says "I need a hamet, mommy! Pay footbol, I-sa need hamet" I just told him we would have to find him one. The funny thing is earlier that morning we had been watching sports center and they were talking about concussions and how football would become less appealing in 20 years if concussions weren't gotten under control....or something like that. I can't really imagine an America without football... But anyways, I am not sure if he picked up on their insistence for helmets... Or on Kia-Lan's use of a helmet later on when she road skates... But he figured out football and helmet went together and knew he wanted one!
We were gonna have a "boothday Potty" for my baby boy and the so my preschooler helped decorate and stuff. He got some "binucklers" as a favor from the party and has had a blast looking at everything with them. He always wants someone to "find it" as he looks at stuff through them.
For mothers day he made me a card and he was so stinking happy about it. "I paint-ed it. It dis SO COOL!" He seems to always have to emphasis the "so cool". "dat truck is SO COOL" or really SO anything. "Dat baby is SO nice....dat house is SO big..." Lol.
At a restaurant with his grandpa yesterday he got to where he was cracking up. Listening in we heard grandpa saying, "No it isn't." and Curtis saying "yes it is." Over and over back and forth just laughing and having a great time! I dony know if out was our wasn't, but I don't think that was the point!
I ask my little man, "do you love mommy?" Tonight he answered, "yeah, I love my mommy." Normally I get the "yeah"... He rolled over and gave me a sweet kiss...yeah I think I am loved. I know for a fact that I cannot imagine life without this boy!

My baby doesn't say much to tell me he loves me but he shows me all the time. When his eyes light up when I enter the room, our when he can't seem to get to me quick enough after I have ben gone, or when he stares at me as I rock him at night with eyes that seem to burrow into my heart and a head that almost seems to be fused to my shoulder and chest as he gets so comfy and close to me. I just know he thinks I am the best mom in the world and none of the stuff I can't do really matters anymore.
I can just be their mommy. Thats all they want from me.
So yes I am the best mommy in the world for my two boys think I am the world!

For "THOSE" Days

There are days where everything goes right. Where life just seems like a dance with all its grace and beauty...then there is today!

You know those days you have the feeling you will laugh about sometime down the road but in the moment you just want to pull your hair out and say "What have I gotten myself into!?" Well, I have those wonderful days too.

You wake up with a headache and your kid just wants to be a "rock-star" and "drom". "I dromin mommy. Count with me. One, two, tree, fo...(as he counts out the beat swinging his makeshift drumstick and begins pounding it out on the coffee table)" Somehow we are the one hit in the head with the plastic bat AND manage to get whacked with the ball within five minutes of eachother. The headache is only lingering as he begins pounding with his toy hammer "fixing" the furniture in the house that is invisibly in need of repair. "Tap-tap-tap"  he says along with the thumping hammer as if it needs him to make the noise as well to function properly.

Then as you attempt to nap with a tossing baby, the toddler is on daddy's watch. He somehow gets coated in invisible clothing and he manages to spread his "number two" across your area rug as a form of repugnant finger-paint. (oh the creativity and learning that he is mastering through this act is not lost on you I am sure...) So your headache returns despite your nap as you are crouched down scrubbing the stentch out of the thousands of fibers on your floor so the baby can crawl around again without you cringing in disgust at the thought.

Yes, one of those days.

But as you sit in the evening, having shared a bowl of brownies and icecream with your crazy boy, your baby humming to himself as he tears at a book randomly throwing in a scream and shreek here and there for emphasis... And your toddler is climbing the dresser drawers with his fake screwdriver and generally making the room a mess, you realize one day this will be a memory and a very distant one at that. One day these boys will be taller than you and too "big" for cuddles and kisses. One day they will be self-sufficent, as far as the world is concerned, and out on their own. One day they will be grown and that day will be all too soon.

And as your toddler squeals "I did id!" In pure delight as he hops onto your lap with his screwdriver hoisted high in victory and a look that says "I know you care so much", and your baby clings to your leg digging his nails into your pant leg as he cries and climbs onto your knee, You say to your self, "this too will pass...this soon will be gone..." And then you reach up and dab at that pesky tear that seemed to escape from your worn out eye, your head doesn't seem to hurt as much, and your day doesn't seem so bad.

Yeah. It is one of those days.

Disciplining Mom in these "Little Years"

Life doesn't seem to sit still. I went out this Saturday to walk in the Heart Walk with a friend. When I left home it was lightly raining and I figured I would drive out there, I have walked in rain many times in my life. As I drove there I realized it was storming in town. There was lightning and thunder and just buckets of rain. I pulled in and quickly found out the walk would be delayed. The boys were with their dad at home so I figured an hour delay wouldn't be bad. Well I waited for awhile and got a message that my friend would be at McDonalds waiting out the delay. I headed there. The walk got canceled and I headed home after enjoying a nice break from the norm. As I walked in the door I was greeted with a "Hi, Mommy!" from my big boy and a squeal of delight from my one-year-old. I had only been gone for about 2 hours and they still both wanted to be as close to me as they could get as the pushed each other up onto my lap to snuggle.

My boys are so wonderful. I got to thinking about how I am as their mom. I have begun reading a book called Loving the Little Years. It opened my eyes to a new way of looking at discipline. I know I am supposed to be consistent. I know I am supposed to be firm in what I say is a "no." and what I want to teach them. It is how I go about doing it that really makes the difference. I mean, how many times have I heard the phrase in Bible College "speak the truth in love". If I was ingrained to do that with people I counsel, shouldn't it be even more so with my own kids. I love and cherish my children more than any other children in the world. As their mom I often find myself angry, frustrated and irritated at them when they aren't learning the lesson I am trying to teach as quickly as I would have them learn it. If it was anyone else, I would not shout at them or outwardly show frustration and irritation, but because they are my kids I do! How does that even make sense, the more I care and love somebody the worse I tend to treat them?  I get frustrated at myself for not figuring out a better way to get my plan across to them and I flat out get mad at the toddler when he looks at me as if I told him to build me a rocket ship instead of asking him to simply bring me a diaper from the shelf (which is something he does very often for me normally). I can't figure out why he seems to have forgotten what I mean when I speak the same command to him that I have used countless times before! I was just now thinking about God and how He is my Father. He gives me commands. He actually has even written them all down for me so I can always reread them when I need to and I still find myself disobeying at times. Even when I have obeyed the same command countless times in the past for some reason there are times I just choose not to listen and to go my own way and do my own thing. And it isn't even like I am trying to do the right thing but just don't fully understand what it is he wants. Most of the time, unlike my two-year-old son, I know what the right thing to do is but I blantantly choose not to do it. God is so patient and understanding and pours His mercy out on me and supplies grace and love to me. He doesn't get mad and angry. Instead He gently guides me back to the path He wants me to follow, He begs me to do it His way, and He loves me still when I, yet again, go running off on my own way.

Going back to this book: the author illustrated the idea of teaching and training at every chance instead of just disciplining. There is a way to displine with love and not anger or disappointment. She mentioned that when we begin feeling frustrated or disappointed in our children we need to recall how far they have come and the progress they have made. As mothers we need to praise them for their accomplishments and realize that they will figure out this challenge soon enough and many more will follow. They are just beginning this life and just beginning to be molded. Our job is to teach and train and that probably means cleaning up messes after them and giving them a new, better way of doing something.

It is true that there are times when my almost-3-year-old disobeys on purpose and you can just see the challenge in his eyes, and on those occasions he needs punished. However, I have begun challenging myself to not automatically swat his backside. Instead I am trying to use certain key verses from the Bible to teach him why what he did is wrong. If he disobeyed, we are using the phrase "children obey your parents". If he is unkind, we say "be ye kind to one another" which he follows up with "Be nice!". If these reminders dont help him and he still challeges he recieves a swat and lost privaleges. But the key is that we are trying to train in truth not just in bad and good. God has so many truths that flood our Scriptures. They need to flood our hearts and be applied to our lives. And our kids need to learn to do that too. You may be surprised what your kids can memorize at this young age. I figure out if he can sing the whole "abc song" and the theme song for his favorite tv show then he can learn to say Bible verses too. I was pushing for him to learn the letter sounds, but as he began getting good at them I realized I had wrong priorities. I wanted my child to be ready for school and to be seen as smart, but how much better would it be to teach him Bible verses now while his mind is just booming and growing! So we began with "God is love." and have progressed to "God loved us, and sent His son." He isn't to the point where he says them all by himself but he will get there. He knows how to end the ones I begin and he is able to say them all with me as we practice them at bath time. It has become a fun thing for us to do. He likes copying what I say and we make it like a game.

My husband has told me I need to be tougher with the boys, and he is right in part. I need to put my foot down and be sure they know I am the parent and they don't run the home, but I also need to be training them in truth and with love. You don't have to be a meany to be in charge. You don't have to be loud and demanding to lead. Keep that in mind. I know I am doing my best to remember it, and I fail often. I either become too soft and get run over and nothing accomplished in the way of training, or I get mean and loud and demanding and only end up making grumpy fussy boys and an irritated mommy and still nothing gets taught.

I was telling someone today that none of us have arrived at perfection. We each have to work every single day on the things we need to do better or on the things that need to change. Are you working on your life? Or have you grown content with where you are? Don't stay content with your life.