12 Stones of my Life (stones 7-12)

 Stone 7 In the Darkness/ My God my Provider and Sustainer     Shane was fired without warning from his youth position in February of 2014. God removed us swiftly from the church. We were told we were not allowed to post to social media what had happened if we expected to receive any sort of severance. We were told we were not allowed to go to the youth room to tell the teens ourself. It felt very, VERY wrong but we were young and just did what we were told. As an older adult now I think we should have let our voices be heard. We were never accused of anything. Shane had been told it was because there was lack of growth in the youth department (which did not make any sense). The teens didn’t understand, I think many never forgave us. Shane has had a few reach out over the years and heard that what they were told was different from what we experienced. At the time, Shane was our main income. My working outside the home was frowned upon by the pastor, he wanted me to be there to fully support Shane and the ministry. I baby sat a toddler girl full-time in our home but it wasn’t much. I also had just given birth to Owen in November of 2013. We didn’t know how to even begin to ask for help. Shane tried to find work. But we were in a VERY small town. He ended up getting a job through a relative but had to commute a ways to it. The day before he was supposed to go we had no idea how he would get there. We had no money. A man came to our door and had Shane follow him so he could fill our car up with gas. The man had no idea Shane was supposed to begin work the next day or that we even needed gas. He told Shane he had felt called to get us some gas, so he did. Sometimes I would open my door to see groceries and diapers on the porch. Money would show up in the mail and be just enough to pay the next bill. Women came and spent time with me to try to encourage me. A man brought us space heaters when our heat was turned off over one particularly cold weekend. Somehow we were able to get to Akron every Sunday for church without incident. The pastor at the church we started attending got the boys each a pair of shoes and let Shane “shop” in their food pantry during the week. When we finally decided we needed to leave Ohio and get back to Missouri if we were ever going to get back on our feet, my in-laws said the 5 of us could move in with them in their 2 bedroom trailer. We saved money from several people and sorted through all of our stuff. We sold whatever we could. When we sold Curtis’ bed I remember him being VERY upset. The man who bought it took him outside and showed him how he was going to turn it into a bench. He was excited to know his bed would be made into something new. When we left we had 3 little boys in the car, an almost 5 year old, a 3 year old and an 8 month old. Whatever of our life we could fit around them and in the trunk was what we took with us. We were able to rent a small truck to take some items to my sister to store for us in Dayton but it wasn’t much and we could not take the truck all the way to Missouri. This was my first encounter with this sort of rock bottom. We had to be completely dependent on God. He kept showing up over and over again in so many small but very big ways. He provided for the needs we had, He sustained us until He said it was enough. We have never been that destitute again. We have had a couple times where it felt like it was coming but God was always gracious to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. Because of this season we went through my anxiety has been kept in check in those valleys. God provided through all of this. He will provide still.

Stone 8
A Shelter/ My God my Refuge
    We moved in with my in-laws in July of 2014. I remember as soon as I turned on the truck as we left our house in Ohio the song that played from the radio said “I’m going home, to the place where I belong…” I almost lost it then and there it was a reassurance from God that it was time to go home. My in-laws offered open arms and a safe landing place. All five of us slept in one room but at least we had a place to be that was sure and safe. Shane and I found work. We were able to attend church where my husband had been in youth group as a teen. His home pastor was so kind and gentle to us as we began the healing process. We were welcomed home to heal. Church wounds are deep. Ministry wounds are deep. My relationship with my in-laws would not be as strong as it is today if it had not been for the 6 months we spent under their roof. We had some fights but we learned so much about each other. I had a wreck close to Christmas. I don’t know how I walked away from it. Looking at the pictures I am in awe that God allowed me to escape with such minor injuries. I have a piece of glass still in my face from the accident. I feel it every day and it reminds me of God’s goodness. The wreck was almost like a vaulting point. We found a house shortly after that to move into. It was rundown and TINY but it was 2 bedrooms and it was month to month rent. The landlord wanted to keep it open so when we could find a better place we could move without waiting for a lease to be up. It was right down the road from my in-laws. We only stayed in that home 3 or 4 months before finding an income based apartment that was a little nicer and larger. These memories tell me of security, safety, and the balm that is “home”. God is our refuge. Going to Him in difficult storms will have you finding rest. Striving after Him for the comfort He alone can provide will give peace the world can never understand while the wind and rain swirl around you. God did not have us walk this world alone. We have others He has put in our path to walk with us. Sometimes they push us to be better people, sometimes they comfort us and hold us when we need to catch our breath. Every time God has brought the right people and the right help in our time of need. We find our refuge in Him.

Stone 9
A Perfect Fitting Piece/ My God the Way-maker
    I mentioned before that I was planning on being a missionary overseas. I had it all planned out. I mentioned I met and married a man who was going to be a missionary overseas. I also mentioned he changed his mind. I was pretty upset about it at first. I then surrendered to it. It didn’t mean I understood it. Some clarity to the twist I was thrown into came May 2017, almost 10 years after my plans were changed for me. A children’s division worker in New Jersey gave us a call that changed our lives. She let us know Arayah and James needed a permanent placement. They had been in custody of the state for 3 years. We had not even known they were in the State’s custody. If we had been overseas we would not have been available to take them. If we had gotten the call 3 years earlier we would have been homeless. If we had not just moved into a 3 bedroom home that spring we would not have had the space to be approved. Shane was on the phone and looked at me. He asked me if I was willing. I could not even imagine not saying “yes” and trying. Shane and I had always discussed adopting or fostering. We always thought it would be best to do it when the boys were older. The complete unexpected call was clearly God asking us to be willing for a change of our plans. We were completely united, willing, and ready to follow this time. There were many pieces to that puzzle that clicked perfectly into place as perfect timing and circumstances. I will be honest that there were several times I thought we would take the next step and the whole thing would be shut down. Every time the way was made clear. The home study, the prying into our finances and form of discipline. Interviewing the kids alone asking them who knows what and knowing they could answer anything (I have 3 very creative boys). I will never forget sitting in front of a psychologist in New Jersey being told to draw pictures of trees and houses and being asked so many invasive questions about race and our biases and thinking this would be when the door was going to slam shut, trying to trust God with the outcome either way. He seemed so sure that Arayah needed to be with a black family, despite her bio mom being white and us being blood relations. Then mediation happened and paperwork was signed by their mom to directly sign her rights of the kids over to us and only us. The Psychologists opinion never even got presented to the court. It took a big unknown off the table. I look at those children and know there is a reason God changed Shane’s mind so definitively way back in Bible college. There is a reason thier mom held out on giving out our name for 3 years (and it wasn’t just stubbornness, it was God!). Even when it has been difficult, I know God opened the doors, He made the way. It is only because of Him. There is no other human reason it should have worked out the way it did. This memory is the one I continually go to when something drastically pivots my plans. God has a reason, a purpose and a plan that I just can’t see yet. He will bring it to fruition. He is the Way-maker whether I get to see it play out or not. This time He allowed us to see a glimpse of His perfect orchestration. It leaves me Awestruck how He can converge multiple lives to the perfect intersection, working years of paths and decisions into a beautiful purpose.

Stone 10
Beating the Odds/ My God the Healer
    There have been a few times in my adult life when a doctor has diagnosed something and blindsided me. This is the story of the first time I faced that shock as a young mom. At 3, Jeffrey had some bleeding when I was helping him with toileting. I mentioned it to his PCP just for reassurance; instead of being reassured she took it very serious. Immediately, she referred him out to the GI clinic for tests. After blood work and internal scopes, we found out he had VEOIBD (Very Early Onset Inflammatory Bowel Disease) and “failure to thrive”. Through research (because I am a data girl) and through other families of children with this disease I learned that usually VEOIBD is aggressive and requires aggressive life-long treatment. We were told at diagnosis that Jeffrey’s disease was moderate and contained. He had not grown in over a year at the time. He had joint pain often in his legs and would get tired very quickly if we were out walking. At Halloween, for example, we would go down to the Main Street businesses and half way through the line Jeff would be limping and done walking. He entered kindergarten in size 3T clothing. He had a potbelly with bony limbs and dark circles under his eyes like he was on one of those “feed the children” commercials. He quickly learned to endure blood draws and clean-out procedures like a champ. He continued to have issues from the disease through 2nd grade. Bowel accidents at school and slow growth curve were the hardest to watch him have to deal with. His confidence was so fragile. He wore pull-ups to school just to have confidence to make it through the day and endured some teasing because he wore “diapers”. Thankfully, all staff members were on top of it and stood up for him on countless occasions making him feel safe and cared for. Even when he had very public accidents that could not be hidden he was protected and shielded from the laughter and disgusted looks. Around 4th and 5th grade we were allowed to try being off medication. He passed the trial and made it to unmedicated remission which is so unheard of for this disease. He turned 14 this year and has shot up, standing taller than me. I look at him and am reminded that God is the healer. He does not need to follow data, or standard procedures. He can heal with or without medical and scientific interventions if He chooses to. Sometimes His choice for healing is not on this side of eternity. But, healing will come from Him. While Jeff still has scares and is followed closely by the IBD clinic we have been in the clear for almost 4 years now without further interventions. We do not know the future. But we are able to trust that God is good, even if. He will have the glory.

Stone 11
A Simple “I love you”/ My God the Miracle Worker
    This one I have rewritten so many times to try to make it more concise. So much has happened in this little boy’s life that I just see him as covered in the fingerprints of God’s handiwork when I look at him.
When pregnant with Aaron I had to see a specialist throughout the pregnancy. A soft marker was seen that could indicate Downs, Cystic fibrosis, or increased chance of fetal death. Genetic testing was done and we were given the “while not 100% I feel confident it is all clear.” If that was the end of my “worry” and anxiety over this child it would have been plenty.
    My blood pressure went through the roof multiple times during the pregnancy and I often ended up having to be in the hospital hooked up to the monitors for an hour at a time to assess Aaron. They ended up having me deliver Aaron early. He struggled to figure out breathing but again God got us through that and he was able to come home. They recommended another hearing screening but I didn’t think much of it. The PCP did the screening at one of our first appointments and had a hard time with it but passed him. Fast forward, we realized Aaron was not babbling or speaking much and that he slept through so much noise (which as a baby in a family of 8 was REALLY nice but caught our attention). His PCP said he had a global delay at 18 months. I asked for a hearing recheck. He failed. Our long journey to diagnosis began.
    At his hearing test at the children’s hospital his eardrums were functioning but he had minimal to moderate loss of hearing in his left ear. This was seen at 2 screenings. They told me tubes would not be the answer and scheduled him for an in-depth test to configure hearing aides.
    Meanwhile we got his speech evaluation done. The language pathologist was very thorough. I kept telling her how I thought it was all do to his hearing issue. She diagnosed him with receptive/expressive language disorder. She also was a little too excited to tell me she thought he was a Gestalt Language Learner. She had just had a seminar on it and was thrilled to have seen Aaron so soon after that. She mentioned that she would refer us for an Autism screening since she could not diagnose that. I felt like the floor was pulled out from under me. Autism is beautiful and wonderful in so many ways. I love watching how Curtis’ mind works differently and the things he comes up with. But the speech disorder was a whole other mountain. She could not tell me if he would ever be able to verbally speak. She very confidently was able to tell me that she did not think “fixing” his hearing would fix his speech. This is what devastated me most. I had so tightly clung to that “hope”.
At the in-depth hearing screening for the hearing aides Aaron was just getting over a cold. His eardrum was not functioning in his left ear. We had to reschedule. At the next appointment his eardrum was still not working properly so they advised tubes to get it functioning and then a retest. After his tubes were placed he passed his hearing test! It was a definite “BUT God” moment.
We got in for the Autism screening where he was diagnosed with Autism level 2 and it was verified that he was a Gestalt Language learner. I dove head first into what that looked like and how to work with him. I learned A LOT!
We bagan therapy in our home shortly after his language evaluation. We were discussing AAC devices and began working on his use of a tablet. They asked me what I hoped to happen through the therapy. I selfishly said that I hoped he could say “mama” and “I love you”. It was superficial I know, but that is what I said. Through learning his diagnosis and his hearing being restored we have all been able to work with Aaron in ways that click with him. His verbal vocabulary is now huge, he just employs it differently than a typical child. Knowing he uses music to connect to speech phrases we began basically singing “I love you” to him the same way every time we said it to him. He began mimicking it back and now can use it on his own spontaneously.
While God did not grant a miracle in total “healing”, He granted several small miracles to bring us where we are today. So many new phrases pop up in Aaron’s vocabulary and he learns to adapt them to his needs and wants. He cannot speak like a typical child but he speaks A LOT in his own way. The wisdom and creativity granted to those of us caring and working with him has been a gift of God. Ideas on methods to try and direction to research and information has been from God. Even just the joy and peace after diagnosis has been a gift. Aaron is marvelously and wonderfully made. He is a walking miracle that I look at and can’t help but say “Because of God”. Even my selfish desire to hear him call me “mama” and say “I love you” was granted. I hear “MOMMY” ALL DAY LONG! I love it.

Stone 12
We Choose Love/ My God the Faithful One
This one is my last one. The twelfth stone of remembrance. Shane and I were married in 2008. We had Curtis almost exactly a year later. We went through a lot of ups and downs. I want to share some of this to remind people that love is a choice, marriage is work, and faithfulness should be celebrated and cherished. There have been some valleys that I don’t know if we would have walked out of together if it had not been for God’s grace. Through every one of them I have felt our marriage grew stronger. We chose to stay and honor our commitment for better or worse. Shane has loved me and cherished me at some of my lowest points. I have walked beside him in some of his darkest moments.
Bitterness is a twisted vine with deep roots. Our move to Ohio embedded a seed of bitterness in my soul against my husband. I know there were several times I did not encourage him like I should have; I did not support him. There were countless times that I chose to be angry at him even when I knew the situation was out of his control. I was lonely and felt like I was trapped in a cage. Being unable to work outside the home because “Pastor said” had me stuck. I felt useless and like I had lost all worth. I took my displeasure out on Shane. I had surrendered to the ministry of the youth group. I loved so much of that stretching of myself. However, the bitterness towards Shane was still planted, and just when we were in stride with ministry, he was fired. While I knew it was nothing he had done, there was always that lingering bitterness and anger I allowed to have a place in my heart against him, and it grew. This lasted even after we moved home. The turning point that finally broke that wall was my car accident when I could have died. I had not told Shane I loved him before I left that morning. That was the one thought that went through my head as I hung upside down in the car, bleeding from who knows where. I began to tear down the wall I had been building in my marriage. The lingering effects were felt for a long while after, ripples of my choices and the pain and consequences they caused.
Depression is a difficult thing to deal with, especially as a ministry worker. God is joy and peace, and ministry is supposed to be fulfilling. People forget Satan is cunning, and flesh is still flesh. Between 2019 and 2021, I almost lost the man I love. He disappeared for a while. I was left with a shell. He found no joy in anything. He stopped going to church. I would leave the house with the kids some days and wonder if I was going to find him alive when I got back. I had walked in that path before and knew how my thoughts had swirled. I would tell him, “Please don’t do anything stupid,” as I would kiss him on the forehead as we headed out the door. That was how dark I felt it was. I stayed by him, I prayed for him, I loved him (some days more than others). I remembered how faithful and patient he had been to me in my darkest and most selfish time, and I wasn’t going to turn my back on him when he needed us most. Still, I longed for the man I had fallen in love with. I prayed God would bring him back to me. God heard my cries and allowed Shane to come back to me. I began seeing glimpses of light again of the Shane I loved.
Today, our marriage is stronger. We communicate better than we have in years. Even in this very hard last year and a half, we have been united on so many levels; deeper than we would have in the past. We both know our weaknesses and our strengths and try to encourage one another in all things. From reminding me to take my anxiety medication when I start to get flustered to my encouraging him to take a break when he feels overwhelmed. When I hear Shane belting out praise music as he is working down in his office, I smile to myself and remember God’s faithfulness. We have seen valleys, we have seen mountaintops. We have stood in awe of God’s goodness in the midst of some thick darkness. We have both been surrounded by the enemy and wondered where God was and when He was going to show up. But we can look back and know He was right beside us the whole time. He hears us, He loves us, He makes ways through the deep waters, He is able to do above all we ask and think. If we are going to be a part of it and see it, we have to take the steps He calls us to. We have to be faithful in what He has presented us with.

12 Stones of my Life (stones 1-6)

Leading up to my 40th Birthday this year I shared the 12 Stones of remembrance in my life. I was spurred to share by a message my Pastor had shared. He said we all had stones in our life that shaped us and told us WHO GOD WAS in our life. I know God has done so much for me, but narrowing it down to 12 impactful stories was so good for my soul.

12 Stones in my Life (Stones 1-6)

Stone 1 My Salvation/ My God the Redeemer:     My first stone is the foundation all the others will be built upon. There is no where else to start the journey of life change than at the moment of salvation. I was born into a family surrendered to full-time ministry. My father was the associate pastor at the church my grandfather pastored. My grandma taught Sunday school to toddlers and preschoolers. I remember vague snip-its of being in her class and having her sing songs with us as 2 and 3 year olds. I was saved at a very young age. My memory is terrible. I cannot remember many things from my childhood clearly. I can barely remember what I did last week. However, when it comes to this I remember details. I remember the white bed spread and the rug I knelt on. I remember the anticipation of someone coming home soon that I couldn’t wait to surprise with the news. I have never changed my belief that in that moment I was redeemed. I couldn’t even read yet, but I knew Jesus loved me deeply, I knew I had done wrong things and I knew I wanted to love Jesus with all my heart. I was a child with faith of a child. Simple (maybe naive), but sure. Jesus said to not forbid the children from coming to Him (Matt 19:14). I want to share this testimony not just as my first Stone of Remembrance, but as a plea to not forsake young children from believing and receiving. I know there is a chance a child who believes at a young age may change their mind when they grow older, they may not have meant it, they may not grow in it, they may question or doubt it. On the other hand it could be that they truly believed with all their heart and that they grow in their understanding and knowledge diving so deep into truth and clinging tightly to faith. None of my children (so far) has received Christ at as early an age as I did. It did not stop me from teaching them truths and helping them learn scripture. Their little minds are absorbing so much at the ages of 2, 3 and 4. Pour God’s truth into them and be amazed. This is my foundation stone that all others are built upon: My God redeemed me, saved me, and adopted me to be his child. What an incredible start to my story.

Stone 2
My Baptism/ My God the Conqueror
Being saved at a young age I did not get baptized until much later. Possibly part of that was waiting for my understanding of what it meant. By the time I understood I was already growing in my anxiety (we didn’t call it that back then). I was scared to get baptized. As a child, I clearly remember several times where I was certain I was going to drown. One time was at a pool during our school swim lessons, I got in an area that was too deep and panicked. A classmate jumped in and saved me. The other time was on the beach and I got trapped in an undertow and my dad pulled me out. (It was probably just a ditch in the ocean floor but I thought I was dying). I think those may have played a part in my anxiety but rationally I knew the baptismal pool was safe. I think, even more than fear of drowning, was my fear was having to be in front of the whole church and have everyone watching me. When I finally agreed to do it another child was going to be baptized too. We did it the same service. I was so glad I didn’t have to do it by myself. This memory always hits me as so irrational but still so real. My dad was the pastor of our church so he was going to be the one to baptize me. The whole thing should not have been scary to me. I know it was Satan using my fear as a weapon against me. He did not want me to put my fear aside for my God. I am glad that I finally allowed my fear to get swallowed up. I am thankful for the child who was baptized with me and helped me push through fear and uncomfortableness. The fear of man is an ever present, ongoing issue I face even as I come to 40 years on this earth. This memory is where I let God win, in one moment, walking over my fear and telling it has no place here. I have continually tried allowing God to work despite my fear in so many ways as I have grown, whether it is singing in front of a congregation, leading a Bible study, advocating for my children, even just driving through city traffic. I have asked God to take my fear in the moment and help me walk over it to accomplish what needs to get done. He has been my conqueror many, many times.

Stone 3
Taking Steps/ My God my Master
As I graduated high school I told myself and others, I was NOT going to be a missionary. I was NOT going to follow in my parents’ foot steps. I was NOT going to do full time ministry. I didn’t want to even entertain the idea. I decided to study nursing. Several good friends were going into nursing and I had NO idea what to study and it sounded fun. I went through a lot of ups and downs. I struggled to find myself when I got to college. As a missionary kid you can get caught in an in between place. Caught between the culture you lived in and the culture you are from. We had the added bonus of going to an international school while on the field that was like a little jumbled up culture of its own in a bubble in the host culture. Put on top of that mess the fact that I was 17 when I left the only home I knew, put out from under my parents who were so attentive and caring, to a world of strangers. It was a LOT. Nursing school was so great. I loved the classes and learning. My analytical brain thrived on the science and numbers. However, something was off. I transferred to Florida after my first year at College. I had good grades but the financial advisor had told me I could study nursing anywhere else for cheaper. My parents were in Florida that year for furlough so I moved in with them. I worked at the church day camp through the summer and subbed at the Christian school during the semester between my college classes. During a missions conference at my church that fall, I finally could not shake the hand on my shoulder pushing me to surrender my future to Bible college. I know God had been pressing on my heart for much longer than that, but I finally listened then. I had just been accepted into the nursing program at my new school after having to take a semester of prerequisites because I had transferred in. It was a coveted spot among my classmates. Even so, I knew I needed to stop heading my own way and see what God had in store if I followed His guiding hand instead. This would be my 3rd college in 2 years! (I transferred for the Spring semester). Instead of feeling anxious and embarrassed, the peace and joy that overwhelmed me in that moment was so incredible. Whenever I begin trying to push my own agenda or desires, when I try to ignore God’s pressing hand on my back guiding me, this memory needs to be forefront in my mind. The beauty, relief and peace of surrender is the best feeling. God is my good master. He directs my steps and turns me where He wills.

Stone 4
True Love/ My God my Good Father
All during my first years of college I struggled. I was trying to assert my independence and “find myself”. I made some poor choices, I got into situations that could have been avoided. I began to feel guilt like I had never experienced before. Before moving to Florida to be with my family I had almost completely stopped attending church. I remember nights at college that I would just yell at the sky “Where are you!?”. I had not found a place I felt like I belonged and I had not put in effort to get involved so that I could begin to feel connected. That coupled with the guilt for the decisions I was making just had me running from God while wondering why He seemed so distant. It became apparent that while I knew God loved me I could not grasp the extent of that love. While living with my parents in Florida for that one semester I had a glimpse of my old self. But as soon as they left me at Bible college I once again was thrown into a struggle of finding my identity through the lies I was believing. I was living in a darkness I couldn’t get above as I fought against guilt and shame. I would get over it enough to glimpse light and take a breath but then get plunged back down. I was wallowing in a guilty conscience that had me questioning every day if I was worth anything to anyone let alone to God. I felt like an imposter when I would go to class and when I would sit in church. Always thinking “If they only knew… then they wouldn’t want me here…” It amazes me how the lies can get so twisted into our minds that truth can’t even find a foothold anymore. I had returned to Florida for the summer of 05 to work at the day camp. My parents were back on the mission field. I was struggling deeply. I had thought about how to end my life many times that summer. I would just be driving down the road and the urge would hit me to just drive off the road. How easy would it be? I broke down crying in the parking lot of the church I was attending. I don’t remember why I was parked there. God led me where He knew I would be found that day. A man who worked at the church had me open the door and he sat with me. I don’t remember much of what he said or if I said anything. But I know I left that moment reminded that I was not alone. Not long after that I had a meeting with my parents that I walked into. I realized it was an intervention. I remember them telling me that NO matter what I had done or what I would do they would always love me. They would always be my parents, and they would always be there for me. I left the room and took it to heart. My eyes were opened in an understanding I had failed to see before, even more than their love. I realized that if imperfect parents who were flawed and battling the flesh could love me, why did I keep doubting God’s love for me? From then on I have reminded myself that God loves me even at my darkest and worst. And I was finally able to embrace his forgiveness fully. This memory has served as a foundation for my grasp of forgiveness, grace, unconditional love and mercy. Whenever guilt rears its ugly head, whenever a question pops up about my worth, this memory stops it in its tracks. My God is the perfect Father who loves me with a perfect love.

Stone 5
The Unexpected/ My God the Sovereign One
I returned to Bible college in the fall of 2005. I struggled with the lies but this time I knew I could fight back. I met with a Biblical Counselor recommended to me and he filled me with some truths I needed to put into action. Around that time I met Shane. We began dating by the end of October. Making a LONG story short, we got married after my graduation in 2008. Shane still had a couple years to go. I applied to work at a small Christian school I had done after school care for. The plan, in my head, was to work as an assistant teacher in the preschool and transition to my own classroom once I got some experience. God had a sense of humor as enrollment spiked for that year. They gave me a WHOLE class of about 20 4-year-olds, and a wonderful aide who put up with my inexperience. I lasted one year. It was a whirlwind and stressful and I pray every day that I didn’t mess up those kids for life! I was about 5 months pregnant with Curtis when I was let go. The school year had ended and I was the last hire and so the first let go when the enrollment numbers dropped. I found myself stuck trying to find a job while visibly pregnant. I got one interview where they assured me my pregnancy was not an issue but I did not get hired. I ended up spending time volunteering at the Missions office for the summer, filing and trying to organize some cabinets. I don’t know that I did much good but I had a good time and felt useful. I was honestly just thankful to have something to do. Little did I know that Curtis would make a surprise entrance into the world 7 weeks early in the very beginning of July. Being a NICU mom was a whole experience in and of itself where God tested and refined me. Upon his discharge from the NICU, 28 days after his birth, he was still on a monitor for his breathing and heart. We were told to keep him out of daycare until he was 6 months old. I stayed home with him while Shane went to school and worked nights. When Curtis was old enough I applied for a job at the local hospital on the Mother/baby unit. I got hired right away for a day shift position. I found out later that day shift positions on that unit rarely open up and when they do are usually filled quickly from inside the hospital. I had requested during my interview to not work on Sundays. This was a non-negotiable for me as I had been out of church before and knew the spiral I associated with it. I didn’t want to give anyplace to that. I had worked night shift through the end of college to avoid missing church. With Shane working nights and a baby at home it would not be possible to do nights. If I had been told “No” I was prepared to look for another job. To my amazement, I was told that would be no problem because we scheduled our own shifts every month. As long as I scheduled myself for enough Saturday shifts I was able to avoid working Sundays. (Anyone who has worked health care knows it is hard to find a job that does not require work on Sundays). It ended up being one of the best jobs with incredible co-workers who poured into me. Every shift they began with a quick unit meeting and always closed the meeting in prayer over our patients, shift and coworkers. This was NOT a Christian hospital and it amazed me how God put me in the perfect place to have ladies around me who gave God first place in the work place. God knew what he was doing way back when I lost my teaching job. He prepared the way for this incredible opportunity. This memory is the foundation for the countless times I end up in an unexpected circumstance. I remember that God’s timing is perfect, His plan is better than any I could ever have imagined and I need to rest in Him. He removes me for a reason and He will lift me back up in His time. He is the sovereign one, in control of all things at all times.

Stone 6
I Surrender All/ My God the Worthy One
In 2012 we moved to Ohio. I have to be honest that I dragged my feet in SO many ways. I had wanted to be a missionary when I surrendered to go to Bible college. I had met and married a man who wanted to be a missionary. We were going to be missionaries. One of his last years at Bible college, after I had already graduated, he told me he thought he was supposed to work with youth. At first I assumed he meant overseas with youth. He slowly explained that he meant American youth. It took courage for him to tell me this truth. I am sure he struggled with how to tell me for a while. Needless to say, I was unhappy with the turn of events. I had surrendered to full-time ministry but apparently only if it fit in my narrow vision of ministry. I was terrified of teenagers. I was a kid person. Put me in a room with a bunch of little kids and I would be great. But teens?! I was not a “let’s paint our nails and do hair” kind of girl. I dreaded what the youth group girls would think of me. I dreaded what they would say about me (Fear of man rearing its head again). We got to Ohio and I found out I was pregnant almost right away. I felt like my plate was overflowing. I was in a completely new place, in a completely new church, working with a new demographic than I had ever worked with before. I had a 3-year-old and a 1-year-old. The church offered no nursery for any service besides Sunday morning. Jeffrey was a very difficult toddler. I mean that in the nicest way possible. As soon as he learned to walk at 13 months, he was a runner and would try to escape all the time. He was very aggressive when he would have to transition tasks. He was aggressive when someone would mess up his “play” that was basically organizing and arranging objects by size, color or into lines. He was into EVERYTHING as soon as I turned my back. I was very nervous about having another baby. I felt I was in over my head with what I had already. Here we were, ready-or-not. As apprehensive as I was the shock gave way to excitement as the time went on. I have been into writing most of my adult life. I began a blog where I began writing to my baby the very day I had the positive test. Shane and I attended the fall fellowship meeting that September for our Baptist organization and I began having some spotting. It started as just a little. But I felt something was wrong. I went ahead and called the doctor I had found who graciously offered an ultrasound to me just to reassure me. I remember going ahead to the meeting and singing “I Surrender All”. I remember begging God to not take the baby. I remember singing “I Surrender All” and Him clearly saying to my heart “If you are not willing to surrender this child to me, are you really surrendering your all?” Singing that song knowing, in my heart, I was losing my baby, was a turning point in my life. How deep is my surrender? What am I willing to let go of if God were to require it of me? How much do I think following God is worth? At the ultrasound I remember watching the screen with anticipation as the tech took measurements. She didn’t play the heartbeat. She chatted and typed not missing a beat. I remember we left the room and waited for the doctor. Shane asked if it was too early to hear the heartbeat. I remember looking at him and saying “No, it is too late.” We waited in silence for the doctor, she calmly told us that she believed I had a missed miscarriage but they would do several blood draws to be sure before we had to decide on anything else as there was a chance my dates were just off. Baby was measuring a few weeks behind what I should have been (I knew even in that case there should have been a heartbeat). In the end I lost the baby. I found total surrender for a season. Over the next year and a half I poured my all into those teens and into my boys. Following God was worth being out of my comfort zone. God was worthy of my best effort. I found that I loved doing it. The youth group blessed me more than I think they will ever know. They were on fire, they were a joy, they were just what I needed. I also learned that my children needed to be my biggest ministry. Sometimes I failed to remember that as time went on but I was often reminded of it in subtle ways. God worked a mighty work in my stubborn heart in Ohio. He was worthy of my surrender, my praise, my plans, my life. He was worthy of my children’s lives and of their future. Worthy of it all.
I am going to close this with an excerpt from a poem I wrote while grieving the loss of this Little One:
To mourn the life I never met
The life I grew inside...
May seem silly to the world outside
But as it passes on
To me this life had meaning
To love, protect and grow.
It taught me trust in a new found light.
It taught me to give up.
It taught me that in life and death
God still had control.
So in my mind this tiny life
Had great purpose all it's own
And so I will remember it
In love and grief alike
My baby you will always be
No matter how small you were.

For Now

 God has been so good to us as we have continued moving forward. I have enjoyed being a stay at home mom this time around much more than I thought I would. I found a groove and have loved being with A more during these early years.

He is once again attending special ed preschool through the school district. He was moved to the afternoon group around Spring break 2025. He was struggling with some new kids in the morning class and just getting overwhelmed. Academically he could keep up with the afternoon group so he was moved to the smaller/older class. He has done well with the change and began this year with the afternoon group. It definitely changed up the routine but in many ways he does better in the afternoon. He is ready to be alert and can function as he gets to sleep in. They have discussed the possibility of moving him to full day at the winter break. They will make assessments before then and give advice on what they feel is best for him. We are not sure what next year will look like as he will be 5. 

His sister, A is a senior this year. We tried allowing her to attend public school part time last semester and pulled her out before the year was finished. Behaviors had escalated and we were not going to continue. She is in charge of her schedule and courses this year. If she does the work she will get her homeschool diploma and a transcript. If she doesn't then she can decide if she will get her GED or not in the future. I told her whatever she decides is her choice. She has been very adamant on getting out of the house and out from under our roof. We will see if she puts any plans in motion over the coming year. She will be 18 in May. She is going to be babysitting for the first time alone on Sunday evening. We will see how it goes. It is a good opportunity for her. I am really hoping it goes well and she can find that she enjoys it. It will be a good opening to get some experience and references lined up for the future.

Shane's business fell through about February 2024. He worked hard to try to pull it back up, but it didn't. He finally began looking for a job and worked as a custodian for the local school district. He enjoyed it. The school told him at the end of the summer that they were cutting his shift out and his only option would be to work the 3:00-11:30 shift getting home that late every day would mean not seeing the boys at all except on weekends. He couldn't do that with the current situations we have been dealing with between some behaviors and issues. Me alone with all the kids is just not a good plan. This goes back to why he stepped down from Chipotle when he was a manager there. The evening hours are just not feasible in a home with so many varying needs. 

I had already been putting out feelers but I began looking earnestly for a day job around that time. I had been thinking of waiting until A was in kindergarten or at least full day preschool. I found a tutoring job for a home school family that would be part time, but I knew when Shane's job told him the news I would need more. So I applied at the school district to be a para. I have still not begun the job but the offer was extended to me so now I am just waiting for the official go ahead. Meanwhile Shane has been able to monetize his youtube channel and is working on getting a couple more up and running for some income options. He also restructured his ebay store and began loading his inventory back up. It has been a crazy year and a half. We are hanging on by the skin of our teeth and the gifts of others. God has been sustaining us. One step at a time.

Taking Some Big Steps through Diagnosis

Our baby had a hearing test end of March 2023. We learned he did have mild to moderate hearing loss in his left ear. We had follow ups after this  with mixed results and inconclusive outcomes. Finally it was determined that he did in fact need tubes before they could assess any further. Tubes were not able to get scheduled for at least 3 months out it was longer than they wanted us to wait with his speech being so delayed. We ended up with a call with an opening that very week from a cancelation! They were placed in the fall of 2023 and his hearing retested. He had normal hearing in both ears. Such a blessing.

We also had a speech evaluation completed in Spring of 2023. During the long process the doctor asked countless questions. She observed A in the room as he played and maneuvered toys. He played with the wheels on the cars and spun the gears around and around in silence. He continually grabbed my hand or her hand to "show" us something or to have us help. I explained his love for the alphabet and his alphabet puzzle he has at home. She got an alphabet puzzle out and he immediately began flapping his hands in his excited way. He was so happy to see the letters. He still did not speak much. As he did the puzzle carefully he pointed and moved each letter. He got to "O" (his favorite) and yelled "OH!" She was so surprised. She said, "You said that clearly!" I explained that he said many letters pretty clear (for a 2 year old). We discussed the words he was saying. We talked about the words and phrases I had heard once and then never again. It all added up to more and more anxiety in my mind. Where was this going? She asked if he turned his voice on to get my attention (even if not saying words). He does. She asked if he played quiet often alone. How he interacted with other children when he had play groups. Did he interact with others? Did he share toys or fight to keep toys?

She went to type her report. When she got back to us she announced that she was diagnosing him with Mixed Receptive-Expressive Language Disorder. She went over the next steps. My mind slowly became more numb. She did not think it was due to his hearing loss.

She also said "I cannot diagnose Autism, I do believe you need to get an evaluation done as soon as possible". She explained that it would help know how to best move forward with him and how his brain learns and processes. She also believed he was a Gestalt Language Processor and would learn best using phrases instead of words.

We were able to get Speech services started with a state funded program for toddlers. The therapist came to our home and worked with A for an hour 3 times a month giving me insight and tools to work with him on my own. It was a great program and helped me better assess how he was progressing.

We did end up getting the Autism and developmental screening done at the Children's Hospital and the wait is so long but it is such an important thing to be sure to have people who know exactly what they are doing so you can have accurate answers and clear pictures. We went through the process and in the Fall of 2023 A was diagnosed with Level 2 ASD. He shows signs of Hyperlexia and Gestalt Language processing.

Around the same time the therapy services we were using for his speech therapy started helping us transition him to the school system which he would start upon his 3rd birthday. We had the first meeting with them in November 2023. They did a sensory profile to see his sensory needs and he did have several needs we could work on helping with.

He turned 3 in February 2024 and began preschool in a special education classroom the next day. He gets speech therapy and occupational therapy during his school day. He loves getting to ride the bus home.

God has provided people in our path to give guidance and encouragement. He is growing and thriving so far and we are excited to see how he grows through school interactions and with the therapies they can do with him.

Can You Hear Me?

Our baby turned 2 last month. He has been such a blessing. We have seen so much joy and laughter fill our house since his arrival.

His beginning was rough as he struggled to breathe on his own. He was on oxygen for several days after birth and lost weight. Once his breathing eased he began growing and has not stopped. For the most part his development has been on track.

He did not begin babbling when he was "supposed" to. He turned one and was just saying "dada" regularly and not much else. 

We were dealing with issues with food sensitivities in A. The doctor had us documenting any reactions we saw and trying to avoid foods that caused the reactions until we could get in with an allergist. None of the reactions were serious and so many things seemed to be causing the reaction so it was time consuming just trying to find foods that were "safe" to feed him while waiting on the specialist appointment.

As he turned 18 months he was saying "dada", "ball", "cat" and occasionally "mama". The doctor said he was concerned but would re-evaluate at 2 years since A was beginning to babble much more. It was our hope that he would catch up. Meanwhile our specialist appointment was approaching to check on the possible allergy.

In those 6 months I worked with him on speaking. Reading to him, playing games, singing songs. I would give him directions to follow and he occassionaly would catch on. By 20 months he was able to bring me his sippy cup when I asked for it and could get his pacifier when it was bedtime. I could say "Its bedtime," and he would get his paci and go to the door to the bedroom. As far as any new "speech" he said "juice" once but never again and he said "cup" once. He would babble up a storm and pretend talk on a phone using expressive faces and hand gestures like he was speaking fluently. But no new real words. He loved to point to the alphabet on his toys and say sounds as he moved to each letter but they were not the real sounds or the real letters.

At his allergist appointment we were told he had sensitive skin but no true allergies so he was cleared to eat all foods like normal once more and we could use a skin barrier cream if we were concerned about the redness. The allergist then looked at me and said "How do you feel about his speech?" I assured him our pediatician was on top of it and the allergist said "I wouldn't be doing my job as a doctor if I didn't mention it." Obviously we were not making enough progress.

Shortly before his second birthday I had a lady come up to me as I picked A up from the nursery and ask me if he was hard of hearing. I was surprised and assumed she meant because of his lack of speech. She said that it wasn't his speech that made her question it. She had tried to get his attention several times and he seemed like he couldn't hear her and then she tested a few different ways to see if he would turn to her and he never did. This shocked me because I am with him most days and I had not put it together. We knew it was hard to get his attention but just assumed he was being stubborn or distracted. He seemed to hear when his dad called him from downstairs and he seemed to move to the music on his shows.

As the days passed and I began observing him differently I began to see things I hadn't put together before. He always stood in front of the television when his shows were on. He had always done this and we thought it was just because he didn't like to sit to watch them. So I put him on the couch and turned the volume of the tv up and was floored when he stayed on the couch laughing and watching the screen. I turned the volume back down and he immediately got off the couch and stood in his spot wiggling back and forth as he watched. I moved him back to the couch and he immediately got back down to the floor in front of the TV. I turned the volume back up and put him back on the couch and he sat and stayed for the remainder of his show!

I began speaking louder to him as I read him stories and sang the alphabet song. He began trying to imitate my sounds. Still not many words but we were just beginning.

At his 2 year appointment the doctor said he was globally delayed and mentioned Autism to me. I asked if we could have his hearing tested. He said they could do the screening right there. The nurse came and hooked up the machine and the right ear passed. When she tried the left ear she thought the machine wasn't working right so she tried it a few times. Finally she showed me the screen as nothing registered. She went to tell the doctor that his left ear failed the test.

We got refered to the children's hospital for hearing tests and speech evaluation. 

I began researching unilateral hearing imparment in toddlers and learned a few things I didn't realize before. In our minds if he can hear out of one ear then he should be fine but through reading I found that it isn't the case we use both ears to filter what we hear and when you only have one ear that is functioning correctly there is no clear way to filter the sounds well. So it makes it hard for him. He can focus on one sound at a time. When his show is playing he isn't intentionally ignoring us when we are calling him he just doesn't hear us calling to him. Some things that have helped: having the room quiet while I read him a story, having him sit on my lap with his good ear towards me, speaking louder than I normally would, and making sure we have his attention when we give him directions. All in all we have seen him gaining some speech with just these small changes.

His appointment with the children's hospital won't happen until the end of the month. Until then we will continue to try things and see where we get.

I don't know if this hearing loss is permenant or if it can be fixed. Two of our boys needed ear tubes in elementary school when they could not hear. Both of them were speaking before that happened. In both cases thier hearing improved once they got the ear tubes. If it is just something simple like that we will be excited and thankful. Until it can be fixed we will need to work with him where he is at and let him have the volume turned up as we teach him letter sounds and words. We will work with speech therapy to get him caught up once he is hearing clearly as well.

If it is something that is permanent we will continue down this road and see what is in store. I have never been there and we aren't there yet. I will try to research and learn what I can.

I see his desire to communicate and his excitement at interactions with us. I believe once he catches on there will be no stopping him from telling us all the things on his mind!

As far as the global delay, we will see what the future has in store. Part of me believes most of the delay is due to the inability to hear clearly. So we will tackle one thing at a time and see where we end up.

My oldest son has been diagnoised with high functioning autism so it is not beyond reason that A could also have autism. One step at a time and one assessment at a time. No diagnosis needs to define him. But the more information we have the better we can work to meet any needs he may have moving forward.

Opening the Windows, Feeling the Light

 On this road I have had many moments where I didn't know what God was doing. I still cannot fully comprehend what he has in store. The darkness I was going through 3 years ago has ebbed. Light is shinning through again. It isn't the same light but it is light. Ministry is not in my future right now. My family is whole and my spouse is beside me in a church pew singing songs of praise to our Savior again. He has joy in his heart and laughter in his eyes. For all that I am so ever grateful.

I cannot put into words the trial the past 5 years have been. The light began to come back slowly. It seemed like it never would. I have learned that it might never be exactly the same as it once was and I am okay with that. I think, in a way, this is an even deeper truth then we had before. A stronger togetherness then previously seen. A bond that has been through some fires and tested, and held.

I discovered my anxiety was not under control and was able to find a solution that is working well for me.

My husband found a profession that he enjoys and runs his own business out of our basement.

I was working two jobs to support our family while my husband was in the midst of his battles. We had the COVID pandemic and shut downs where he couldn't have worked much anyway while caring for the kids at home. It was a big test in the midst of all the rest going on. I was in an essential possition when it came to both my jobs so I was kept busy. There were always extra shifts to pick up.

As the darkness was beginning to ease we decided it was time to try for another baby before I got much older. I had decided that after a certain age I didn't want to have any more children and my husband really wanted another. We welcomed a baby boy into our family February 2021. He was born early and spent a week at the hosptial. My body did not handle the pregnancy well. I am glad that I knew he would be my last baby.

After having the baby I quit my part time job and tried to focus on my main job while having a new baby. My husband was struggling still with some things so it wasn't very easy. When my daughter made it clear that traditional school was not working for her I made the decision to quit working altogether to stay home with the baby and homeschool her. I enjoyed my job and quitting it was hard but it was something I knew I needed to do.

My husband's business was taking off and doing well. He needed to focus on that and his other issues.

Staying home and teaching my daughter have been incredible. I have grown my relationship with her in many ways and I have been able to see her learn and push herself. She doesn't always like homeschool but she is thriving and the spark I have seen in her is encouraging.

Being able to be the caregiver for my new son has been a gift as well. I am enjoying the little moments with him as he is growing and trying not to take them for granted.

God has been gracious in so many areas of my life in these years. I see his hand working and supporting me in the darkest days.

Just seeing my husband beside me in the pew on Sunday is a reminder that God handles even the hardest things.

Walking Wearily

I have been here. I have written and rewritten posts. None came to anything I felt I could share publically. I saved them for my private viewing.

I have been walking in a darkness I couldn't see through.

The details are not important. What is important is that life doesn't go down a set path. There is nothing that says if you start out right everything will go the way you think it should.

Just because you marry a man who loves God and wants to serve with his whole life, it doesn't mean that somewhere down the road he will turn his back on God (Whether for a season or for a lifetime). Depression, rejection, disappointment, unbelief doesn't only plague those who are not serving.

Just because you have taught your children truth, it does not mean that when they leave your home they will follow the path God has set before them. The world can lure them astray. The lies of the devil can still flood their minds.

It is so hard to watch. It is hard to see it happen to women I look up to and love. But I never expected it to happen to me. Until the day my husband made excuses to not go to church. Being "sick", "tired", or work conflicts turned to just not coming at all. He stopped riding with us to Wednesday night, then it became Sunday mornings too. I saw the passion drain from him far before that. I watched it seep from him like a life force draining. His mood shifted, his anger quickened. It was so hard to watch. I thought "Not me God...Not him..." Through the past 2 years it went from "I just don't feel like it" to "I don't think I believe in that stuff."

This from a Bible college graduate who surrendered his life to service for the Lord. The man I fell in love with when I was studying to be a missionary.

What is God doing? What was I doing?

Christian depression is real. Feeling insignificant and usless. Feeling empty. Feeling alone.

Pray for those in ministry. Pray for those families in your church. Pray for the marriages. Pray for the men who shoulder the burden of leading the home. Pray for your spouse. Pray for Satan to not gain footholds. pray for God to reign and to make his presence known. Pray for light to shine in the shadowy spaces where there are hidden burdens and broken pieces. Pray for brothers and sisters to see the darkness before it creeps in. Pray they will have wisdom on how to be God's hands and feet in those places making sure the light permeates the spaces.

marriage

Marriage. People go into marriage so bright eyed and hopeful. They dream of the future minimizing pain, hurt, disappointment and weariness.

No "what ifs" matter. No distant challenges could ruin the joy.

They pledge vows to one another saying "I do".

Then the in sickness happens and mental health crisis causes one of them to face crippling depression...months of shutting the partner out as they deal with the deamons that daily threaten to control thier mind. Anxiety causes indesiveness and fear of failure. Making plans is a challenge. Just getting through the day is a matter of pushing and encouraging and begging. 

In sorrow: Loss of a child wedges an abis between you as grief hits in completely different ways. Fertility issues and navigating the steps to take if any. The pain that comes from a diagnosis of a child with a chronic illness or handicap. The loss of what we pictured life would be like for us and our child.

For poorer hits... First it's just a little extra spending but then the addiction comes to light and the insurmountable bills start pouring in. It wasn't what the partner thought they signed up for. Loss of a job and the bills are running behind but it's just one or two. It will get caught up. Can't find a new job until the electricity is shut off and then the water company is knocking at the door and you are too afraid to answer the door or the phone and you just want to pretend like no one is home. Groceries come from a food pantry and all taste like cardboard because they are past the expiration date...But you have to eat it anyway....

For worse...the yelling... The personality shifts. The change in career that doesn't just effect one person...it changes all of your lives. A move across the country away from those you love. Thier faith is rocked. They stop showing up for church. They stop seeing the importance of it all. They make decisions that are bad. They pick up habbits that don't align with your beliefs. Her drive leaves her and she gives you the cold shoulder night after night for months and months because she is tired...irritated...unwell...

Did you mean what you pledged?

Did those vows really mean what they said?

Marriage is not a beautiful perfect ring of sparkling joy.

Marriage is work.

We dive in head first into a shimmering lake only to find out there are boulders and jagged rocks just beneath the surface we we're lucky enough to miss on our way down. Navigating the waters around those rocks as the current of society is dragging us down is nearly impossible. Unless we stop trying to get through unscatched and unchanged. We must look down at ourselves and see that we are just as jagged and sharp and hard as the rocks we have just jumped into. We are going to bump and cut just as much as our partner is. Marriage is two imperfect people trying to live a perfect covenant that we are totally incapable of living up to until Christ comes. Being an imperfect person pledged to another imperfect person we are going to have some strife.

Marriage is not about the "I do"s because inevitably they will not be lived up to perfectly. It is more about daily pledging to once again give up and let go of the "I want"s and instead saying "I will".

"I will love my husband", "I will find a way to serve my wife today." "I will think about what he might need today."

Being a Mom

Being a mom has taught me several things.
It has taught me a new kind of joy. Your kids needs and desires come before your own. You learn to wear the same socks for 6 years because they still fit. And it makes you smile to be able to grant a desire your child has just so you can see the smile on thier face! The other side of joy is not so simple. Finding ways to make laughter in the midst of a storm. Being a rock for your children and reminding them to choose joy. It can only be done through being the example. Choosing to cling to true joy when plans fall apart and when life is downright hard. That is the kind of joy motherhood teaches. You are the beacon the whole household moves to. "Momma ain't happy..." I am sure you have heard it. It rings true as my mood sets off the whole house. My anxiety can cast a shadow upon the entire family. My anger causes a thick tension. My sadness brings out a little army of comforters who just want to curl up and be sad with me. But when joy is flowing and possitivity, light, and love form the foundation of our home, everyone knows it is going to be okay.

Being a mom has taught me a deeper kind of love. When I see the love of a good parent for thier child I see a mere shadow of God's love. The kind of love that loves anyway. The kind of love that says I love you enough to discipline you and correct you. The kind of love that loves when the love is not returned. A child in a store throwing a tantrum and the parent still picking them up and holding them close. The love that I have felt when I was at the end of my rope. Staring at a raging child throwing themselves on the ground in a sensory meltdown and the tears just running down my face as I prayed to God to help me know what to do to help them through it. Begging God to help them because I had done all I knew how to do and NOTHING had worked. And I still loved them SO much and just wanted them to know it would be okay.
The love that brings your world crashing down when a medical issue comes up and a big question mark is stamped over your child's head. Cancer? Chronic illness? "We need to run a few more tests to rule this out..." The love that wishes beyond anything else that you could just switch places with your child and take away their burden and pain. But you can't. You can only sit there beside them and hold them close promising everything will be okay (Even when you are not sure it will) as yet another blood draw is taken or IV inserted.

Being a mom has taught me that nothing is set in stone. My plans change. My routines get shifted. My idea of a healthy child is skewed. It was never in my plans to have 3 children who require regular appointments with therapists and/or specialists. They are each healthy and amazing they just require a little extra observation or medication to be sure they stay that way! I also never imagined having 5 children. My plan was 3 or 4 and then maybe in the future looking into foster care and possibly adoption. God had a different plan. In the midst of trying to figure out how to raise 3 boys, in the midst of wrapping my head around my baby growing into a child, in the midst of navigating developmental and mental health screenings, and in the midst of finally finding a new normal with a child with chronic illness we got a phone call that would change our lives! Yeah, my plans are not God's plans. My ways are not His. His are amazing, and crazy, and filled with so many surprises that make those in the world look on and wonder what we were thinking! But they always have a way of working out because God is God and I am man.

Being a mom is not cupcakes and rainbows. It is not glittery. It is hard. It is so hard. There are nights where your child goes to bed mad, screaming that they want nothing to do with you. There are days where your child acts like a monster and you have no idea what happened the to little angel that usually acts polite (or at least decent)! There are days when your child hurts and it breaks your heart. There are days when you hurt but you have to get up and keep moving for the sake of your children because life moves on. There are days when mama bear (or shark) need to come out and you may usually be the type to avoid confrontation. There are days when you have to show grace and meekness by biting your tongue and smothering anger because it is not the battle that needs fought right then.
Being a mom takes strength and dignity and wisdom.
Deep breaths and strong stomaches, able and willing hands, comforting arms...

Doughnuts to Blessings: Simply Trust and Obey

This morning we were running around a little crazy. My 4-year-old was sick and my husband was staying home with him since he also was starting to feel ill.

I got up and was helping get kids ready and ironing shirts.

The kids started asking for breakfast.

I had a plan to take them to get doughnuts before church but I didn’t want the sick child to hear since doughnuts would not go well with the tummy bug.

“Mom! We are almost out of milk. I was going to fix my cereal and we are out of milk!” my 9-year-old begins to whine. He is not a big morning person.
“I know we are out of milk. I already have a plan. Just don’t eat cereal right now. Please just get ready to go.”
“I will just grab a granola bar.”
“Put the granola bar back please. I already have a plan.”
“Aww. Mom, I want a granola bar.”
“Please just obey.”

My 3-year-old says he wants me to get his breakfast as he leads me towards the potato chips. “No, buddy. You are not having chips for breakfast.”
“But that’s what I like,” as he flashes his winning smile.
“When have you ever had chips for breakfast?”
He just kept smiling.
“No bud. No chips. I will get you some breakfast later.”
He began to pout and then cry when I didn’t give in.
“I’m so hungry! You make me angry.”
It was funny. The words that came to my head and out of my mouth, “Bud, please just trust me and obey. I have a plan. I promise you will get to eat.”

The thought that went through my head was how God often does the same thing to us and we often respond in the same way.
“My child, I have a plan for you. I have a plan that is good. A plan that will bring you joy and fulfillment if you just trust me and obey me. I already know the problems you see in your life. I see the shortcomings you feel you have. I have something waiting for you. Just get ready and let me pour the blessings out on you.”

“But God, I am hungry now. I want to just have this thing that is sitting in front of me. It is right here and it doesn’t look so bad.”

“Just wait a little longer. I have something so much better.”

I realize a doughnut is not better nutrition wise but my kids LOVE the treat of a doughnut. They were thrilled when they realized what they were going to get for their breakfast this morning. It was worth the wait. It was worth missing out on granola bars and cereal.

Trust and obey and prepare for the blessings. God is the perfect Father who gives generously and is marvelously good. His timing is perfect and his plans are great. He has our good in mind.

What has it come to?

Here we sit. We made it. It has been almost a year since our placement home study was completed. We made it passed the 6-month mark with the kids in our home. Adoption is just around the corner.
Where are we?
These past months have been filled with ups and downs and ins and outs. Some days my husband was the one keeping it together. Some days it was my turn. Other days I would feel like it was falling apart only to have someone come along side and encourage me. Once the words were uttered by some counselor "Maybe this just isn't the placement for her." The idea of keeping everyone safe in my home became a chore on some evenings. The thought of my husband walking out the door to leave me for a few hours with the kids gave me high anxiety because I didn't know what to expect out of them. (For awhile it meant a full-fledged battle of wills as soon as the car was out of the driveway). There was something about my authority in the home that set her off. And it was a constant certainty that as soon as Dad left the next negative statement I would make would mean a total and utter meltdown into a pool of anger and hostility against me and anyone else in the way.
Then it happened. Around mother's day a shift happened. A subtle but monumental shift. Respect began flowing from her lips when she would speak to me.
She began listening to my instructions and simply saying "okay." as she followed through. Prayers of a thousand warriors worked a miracle. Since that weekend we have had small tantrums but nothing out of the norm for any normal (un-traummatized) little 10-year-old girl. We have had to address some issues and behaviors but each time we were responded to with a calm spirit.
We are not under the delusion that this is the end of the war. But it feels like God has shown us once more that he is in control and that He has the say in her heart.
Having 5 kids in my family is not what I pictured for my life. (Especially not 5 so close in age!). It seems to work for the most part. We have what we need and we get by. the 4 boys have learned to share a room for the most part. Our daughter is enjoying her own room (although she complains almost nightly about wishing she could share a room and how we need to have another little girl!) I tell her that she will be thankful for her own room one day and that another little girl is not in my plans. So she reverts to wishing for a dog instead.

If you wish to pray for us in this time
1. Please pray for the timing of the adoption. The way they work in the county we are working through is that they will just schedule it for the next slot available once the paperwork is approved. School starts mid August for us here and the adoption is going to take place in the kids home state. We will be traveling for about a week to ensure everything is done that needs completed and that we have time to finalize the whole process. It would be incredible if we could have it happen the 1st of 2nd week of August. We are not sure that will happen but it would be ideal in our minds.
2. Please pray for the kids as they work through emotions they are feeling as this date gets closer and closer. All we hear is excitement but the feelings go deeper and I am no fool to believe they are all cupcakes and rainbows.
3. Name changes. This is a small thing but has big implications. The kids have the opportunity to change their names. We will be changing J's name to something similar while giving A the choice to change hers. She currently has a list she has compiled and is working on narrowing down. We will back her up 100% with whatever her choice it. I told her that her given name is beautiful and has a good reason behind it but she wants to entertain the idea of a new name for now so we will help her with that decision to the best of our ability. I do not want her to feel pressure one way or the other so please pray that she will have a peace one way or the other so we can nail this down as quickly as possible.
4. A home. This is low on our priorities right now but we are looking for a home after the adoption is finalized. We want something that actually fits our expanded family better preferably without having to switch schools. God is able to provide what we need in His time so we will rest on that.
 And for now we have some great neighbors so we will be fine waiting if that is what God wants.
5. Wisdom. Lots and lots of wisdom. I am being thrust into parenting an adolescent girl when I never would have dreamed I would be already here! I am not feeling ready but ready or not. I need to be the mom to her that she needs and I need to be prepared for the talks that are coming up quickly! Boys and body image and all that jazz that I struggled with as a girl. Oh boy, oh boy... I wish I had gotten to start with my little girl as a baby... but God has some funny plans sometimes.

Random Lesson on my Drive Home

While driving home from Bible study alone last night I was pressed upon to write.

After the study I was speaking to some ladies about my current situation with my foster daughter. I get to the end of my rope with her and while sometimes God hands me more line other times I fail to rely on him and fall into frustration and lash back out at her (surprise! I am not perfect…)
On the way home, having left the room encouraged and uplifted, I was ready to get home.

All of the sudden I had a verse float in my head as surely as if I had just read it on a road sign. It was clear as day. I actually tried to remember where I had seen it from my vehicle while also knowing it had not been written anywhere on the roadway. At first it seemed like such a random verse. “And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.” (Genesis 3:12 KJV)

I said the verse a few times as it ran around my head, paraphrasing: “The woman you gave me made me do it…” and started to dismiss it as just a random thought. Then it clicked. God was saying something important to me. I kept complaining in my own head about “this child God had given me…”. The disruptions she had caused in our home and life. The negative impact she was having on my boys. The negative impact she was having on our marriage. The energy involved with keeping her in check. The frustrations her behaviors and tantrums caused. The lack of peace we felt in our own home and the disruption in our ability to just be a family…

I was in a sense saying the exact same thing Adam had said: God, this child you gave me is making my life a wreck… This child you gave me is ruining everything I love...This child you gave me is causing me to become angry and to lose my temper…

REALLY??!! I tried to say “It's not the same thing, Lord…” but I had to stop myself because it is exactly the same.

God placed this precious child with us for a reason. God made the path for it to work and for the placement to happen. It was only by his timing and his planning. He began this work and he will finish it to His glory. In the meantime He will grant us the grace and gifts we need to get through it.

All Sunday I had tried my best to not yell. It was hard, but I made it through. I tried my best to control my emotions when she destroyed her room. But after the drive home that night I was once again faced with a tantrum and a second thorough room demolition and I had to pause. It had to be more than just keeping myself restrained. I needed to find Joy and Peace, and to Love in the moment. I can't just be content to “hold together”. I needed wisdom.

My heart was in a better place as I waited patiently outside her room for her anger to subside. I refrained from escalating the issue and I managed to speak calmly when spoken to. I reminded myself to love in a moment where it was difficult to love. I was reminded to be thankful for this girl God had given me.

I am not perfect and I will fail (again and again). God is gracious and merciful and I will do my best to keep my eyes on Him while remembering that as He is faithful to me He is also faithful to her. He is calling me to be merciful, gracious and faithful to His precious child that He has seen fit to give to me.

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Matthew 7:11 KJV
https://bible.com/bible/1/mat.7.11.KJV

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
James 1:17 KJV
https://bible.com/bible/1/jas.1.17.KJV

Grandma

My flight was mostly empty. Everyone could have had their own row. I realized why I had gotten such a good deal on the flight. I shared a few smiles with the passengers close enough to me then I sat in my row alone and in relative quiet.

As we began to pull out and take off the sun was setting on the horizon. “How fitting,” I thought.

It was a beautiful orange and red falling over Kansas City.

I couldn't help but let a couple tears fall down my face in the silent moment.

I am heading to Tennessee to see my grandma for, what more than likely will be, the last time. I plan to kiss her check and cry with my family as we comfort each other and celebrate the woman that she is and the legacy she is leaving behind her.

This hit us all out of left field. Grandma is active and vibrant. She loves shopping and finding bargain deals, cooking, baking and hosting warm fellowship. She is fantastic at all she does.

She also has a passion for children and teaching them the Truth of God's word. She taught my Sunday school class when I was 2 and 3. I recall her songs she sang with us as we jumped around doing motions and learning that we were precious in God’s sight. Oh, how I wish time would take me back for a glimpse at her setting me on her knee to sing “the raisin song" as we share a box of raisins... and allow me to really appreciate all she has done for me.

She taught me to do laundry and tried to teach me to do chores more effectively. I tend to rinse dishes so well to put them in the dishwasher that it is hard to tell if they are clean or dirty. I blame grandma for that. Also folding laundry as it comes out of the dryer. This is the only way my clothes get folded before a week passes by while they sit in a basket or on my couch in my bedroom.

Grandma taught me to appreciate a garden. The work that goes into someone’s garden is immense and it takes a devoted person to make the garden flourish.

She taught me to pay attention to the world around me. The hidden treasures you can only find by watching and noticing. Like a bunny burrow hiding under a hedge with baby rabbits sleeping in a nest of fur and fluff, or a bird nesting in the top of a tree. The lonely lady who walked in and sat alone.

Grandma also loved to sing. Her voice may not have been the most beautiful in the world but it didn't matter much to me. I loved hearing her sing as she went about her work or driving in the car. A joyful sound that reached God’s ears as a fragrant incense. I sing while working often. Night shift at the nursing home I would find myself singing as I did rounds or in showers while helping bathe those that could not bathe for themselves. Singing praises even if I could not bluntly share my faith my goal was to have them know I knew what I believed and I was ready to answer questions if they asked me.

Grandma also taught me how to love my husband. My grandma served and loved my grandpa with a steadfast faithfulness. Hard times and good times. Through his ups and downs she was there supporting him and his decisions and working alongside him.

My grandpa is going to be lost for awhile without her. I am sure of that. They were each others perfect half.

Night is falling and a day is ending. The light is fading...darkness is coming for a little while. Praise God I know the Light is coming back to this broken world and will set all things right again!

In my headphones Bart Millard singing:

“My Jesus I love thee. I know thou art mine...My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou. If ever I loved you my Jesus tis now…”

“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus…”

“In the sweet by and by” grandma we will hear you singing again!

When They Just Want to Run

“Hold my hand…stay with me…” If you are a parent you have probably uttered those words to a wiggly toddler before. With social anxiety paired with slight paranoia any instance where I needed to take my child(ren) into a public place was met with a “worst-case-scenario" plaguing my brain. All this paired with my second child who was a “runner" caused some mental breakdowns for this momma. My child first escaped our house as a 15 month old. He made it part-way down the block before the person he was following even knew he was there. They kindly brought him back to our house before we even knew he had escaped!

He loved escaping, but he also loved running. He would take off in a moment and he was fast on his feet. I was pregnant during his second year of life and I would waddle after him as best as I could. I was not allowed to pick him up during a big chunk of my pregnancy and I had to learn the art of toddler-hand-holding.

If you have ever tried to hold the hand of a toddler who loved to run you will understand what I am talking about. There is something about their little hands that just makes them so hard to keep a grasp on. I quickly learned that I needed to hold his arm instead of his hand. This allowed his hand free-reign to wiggle but my hand could keep a firm grasp on his arm.

Last night my daughter had a meltdown. She started screaming “I wish I didn't live here! I don't want to be here! I should have never made this choice!” We are transitioning to “new". She has to get used to a lot. I understand that. At first we closed the door to her room and let her scream but it was making all of us more uneasy as the boys were trying to go to bed in the room next to her. Then she began crying that she wanted her mom. She said she didn't want me (in not so nice tone). That got me thinking about God as S and I continued to try to prevent each other from losing our cool from the things she screamed at us. How many times do we get frustrated and irritated and throw a fit at God? We complain that we don't want His rules or His way. We start wishing we had never made the choice to “give up" the world and ALL we believe it has to offer us. We pull and tug and squirm under his hand and claim he is harming us.

My daughter misses the person she believes loves her more than anyone else in the world. She misses the person who (in her mind) never gave up on her. She is just a little girl who misses her mom and is frustrated about the hand life has dealt. It has nothing to do with the discipline that caused the tears to begin with. As she cried and screamed I realized God wouldn't abandon his people just because they complained or yelled at him (Look at the Israelites as they traveled to the promised land). He never runs out on us. So instead of keeping her door shut I opened it. I put her chair back on its feet and I sat down and I just sat quietly and waited for her to slowly relax. While I sat I thought of the Roman handshake (used many times to illustrate eternal security). We can grab onto God when we call to Him for salvation but more importantly God grabs onto us. At times we can let go in life and do our own thing but God will not let go of us.

My daughter may fight this change in her life sometimes. She may try to shove us away from her and to pry herself away from us like the toddler trying to run away from his mom. But God is holding on with a steadfast love just waiting for us to grab back onto him again so He can lift us higher than we ever thought possible.

In the quiet that followed the meltdown I asked her if I could pray before she fell asleep. She agreed and I prayed aloud. I then asked if she still wanted me to leave or if she would like me to stay. She asked me to stay. So I sat there until she was asleep just praying silently that God would help build a bond between us that will withstand these hard times. I prayed that God would help me to love her like a momma should and to help S love her like a daddy should. It isn't something I thought would be so hard because it came so natural with my bio children but it is like a wall was built where the bridge should have gone. So instead of connecting we end up derailed...the love almost feels fake at times. Like we go through motions but there is no depth. It will take time and effort to move to a deeper level. We keep reminding ourselves that it has only been 6 weeks.

Please understand the meltdowns happen and the next day we are back to normal. We have learned that sometimes her feelings overwhelm her and she doesn't know how to deal with them all correctly yet (she is a child, no one expects her to handle these big feelings maturely). It will be a process and it will have ups and downs. When she is frustrated one of the first things out of her mouth is how she doesn't want to be with us. To her, families are interchangeable and behaviors can cause her to be given up and passed on to someone, somewhere else. It will take time for her to understand things like  unconditional, stability, forever-no-matter-what family. Please keep praying as we strive to teach her these important things. Please be praying as we try to tear down the walls and build the bridges to her and her brother.

Right Now

"Mrs. Coston, we have your son here in the Nurse's office. He has stapled his finger and we need you to pick him up and take him to the doctor. Do you think you could come get him right now?" (translation: Your son stapled his finger and you need to come take him straight to the ER but I don't want to make him more scared...) That was one phone call I was not expecting but just a small glimpse of life. Living life.

Life gets a little crazy with 5 kids. Adjusting to having a girl in our house has been hard. It feels a little like we lost something and there are times I miss the freedom of just being the "guys". But in reality I know we have gained much more.

We were discussing our journeys and where life has taken each of us on our way to church one evening. J said, "Mom, didn't you want to be a missionary? Why didn't you go to be a missionary?" So I told him how God had shifted our path. Sometimes we plan something thinking it is what we are supposed to do and then God shows us He has a different plan. AJ (9-year old foster daughter) chimed in, "If you had been living in another country would you have been able to have us come live with you?" No, we would not have been able to without returning to the United States and finding a home and work to support us. AJ continued her thought, "I think God knew He wanted me and Ja to come live with you before we even knew we were going to. God knew we would need a place to live and so he made you and Uncle S be able to have us come live with you!"

Listening to her piece together a small part of God's sovereignty in her life was so exciting. Since coming to our home she has grown in her understanding of God. She is a sponge and soaks in the Word she hears. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Lord, help me to be the witness she needs me to be...
Life is not full of peaches and cream. We have sour moments. We have faced a sense of loss of identity. Our home is no longer the same. We have yet to fully bond with the newest members of our home but we are forging ahead and building binds that we hope will be sufficient.
Hearing Ja cry out in the night does not fill me with the same sense of urgency that fills my mind when my own child cries out through my deepest of sleep. Instead it may take me a moment to realize he is crying for me. The bonds forged in infancy are so strong. I feel love and compassion for Ja but I still know it isn't quite the same. All we can do is our best. We can be there and we can care and we can continue to build the bonds that will unite us.

It is even harder with AJ. We build and build but she has been there and done that. She has her loyalties and she has her past. She is excited for the future but she is also afraid. We have no clue what she has seen. We don't know what she has been through. Sometimes it feels we are on two parallel planes slightly missing one another but never fully understanding each other.

So for now we are going and moving and pushing forward in an unknown realm. New rules, new adjustments. We are strangers in the world of caseworkers, lawyers, and foster system. Our case is more complicated with the inter-state aspect. We feel like fish in a puddle at the mercy of a greater hand. My mother reminded me of something important: When you have done all you can do, all you can do it rest in the Father and the promise that He will complete what he has started. So I don't have to put myself in the hands of caseworkers and "the system". I will put myself in the hands of God who loves these kids more than I ever could and who will work His will out according to His purpose.

Adoption

The concept of adoption should not be foreign to any Christian. The idea of a child who is wounded, abandoned, cast aside, in need of a Redeemer. Someone able to rescue and save them accepts them and builds a relationship with them, leagally makes them their child. What a marvelous thing. (Sound familiar to anyone else?)
Here I sit. All my part complete for the placement of 2 sweet kids into our home. We have crossed the ts and dotted "I"s and now we sit and wait for the decision to be made. Patiently impatient. We have a desire to bring these kids into our home and into our family. We desire to show them love and unconditional support and faithful stability. We long to let them know that family is forever and love is greater than anything and that God is the only true source of that love and that He will never fail them.
I don't know what will happen with this. I don't know how it will play out. I know it won't be a piece of cake or as simple as ABC... but honestly I feel like that should not matter. These kids need a home and we were sought out to provide that home for them if we were willing and able. We decided to be willing and the courts will determine if we are able and God will direct his will in all of this. I am truly excited to see what the Lord does with these kids. I would love to be their home and family but I am also confident in whatever the Lord decides will be the best for all involved and that in the process he will make his way known and that he has the kids' best interest (as well as my own family's) in mind. He wants our good.
So I will praise him no matter the outcome and I will be thankful for His way and his plan and His direction. I will praise His sovereignty above all else. I will thank him for Love. TRUE, Unaltered Love.