Being a Mom

Being a mom has taught me several things.
It has taught me a new kind of joy. Your kids needs and desires come before your own. You learn to wear the same socks for 6 years because they still fit. And it makes you smile to be able to grant a desire your child has just so you can see the smile on thier face! The other side of joy is not so simple. Finding ways to make laughter in the midst of a storm. Being a rock for your children and reminding them to choose joy. It can only be done through being the example. Choosing to cling to true joy when plans fall apart and when life is downright hard. That is the kind of joy motherhood teaches. You are the beacon the whole household moves to. "Momma ain't happy..." I am sure you have heard it. It rings true as my mood sets off the whole house. My anxiety can cast a shadow upon the entire family. My anger causes a thick tension. My sadness brings out a little army of comforters who just want to curl up and be sad with me. But when joy is flowing and possitivity, light, and love form the foundation of our home, everyone knows it is going to be okay.

Being a mom has taught me a deeper kind of love. When I see the love of a good parent for thier child I see a mere shadow of God's love. The kind of love that loves anyway. The kind of love that says I love you enough to discipline you and correct you. The kind of love that loves when the love is not returned. A child in a store throwing a tantrum and the parent still picking them up and holding them close. The love that I have felt when I was at the end of my rope. Staring at a raging child throwing themselves on the ground in a sensory meltdown and the tears just running down my face as I prayed to God to help me know what to do to help them through it. Begging God to help them because I had done all I knew how to do and NOTHING had worked. And I still loved them SO much and just wanted them to know it would be okay.
The love that brings your world crashing down when a medical issue comes up and a big question mark is stamped over your child's head. Cancer? Chronic illness? "We need to run a few more tests to rule this out..." The love that wishes beyond anything else that you could just switch places with your child and take away their burden and pain. But you can't. You can only sit there beside them and hold them close promising everything will be okay (Even when you are not sure it will) as yet another blood draw is taken or IV inserted.

Being a mom has taught me that nothing is set in stone. My plans change. My routines get shifted. My idea of a healthy child is skewed. It was never in my plans to have 3 children who require regular appointments with therapists and/or specialists. They are each healthy and amazing they just require a little extra observation or medication to be sure they stay that way! I also never imagined having 5 children. My plan was 3 or 4 and then maybe in the future looking into foster care and possibly adoption. God had a different plan. In the midst of trying to figure out how to raise 3 boys, in the midst of wrapping my head around my baby growing into a child, in the midst of navigating developmental and mental health screenings, and in the midst of finally finding a new normal with a child with chronic illness we got a phone call that would change our lives! Yeah, my plans are not God's plans. My ways are not His. His are amazing, and crazy, and filled with so many surprises that make those in the world look on and wonder what we were thinking! But they always have a way of working out because God is God and I am man.

Being a mom is not cupcakes and rainbows. It is not glittery. It is hard. It is so hard. There are nights where your child goes to bed mad, screaming that they want nothing to do with you. There are days where your child acts like a monster and you have no idea what happened the to little angel that usually acts polite (or at least decent)! There are days when your child hurts and it breaks your heart. There are days when you hurt but you have to get up and keep moving for the sake of your children because life moves on. There are days when mama bear (or shark) need to come out and you may usually be the type to avoid confrontation. There are days when you have to show grace and meekness by biting your tongue and smothering anger because it is not the battle that needs fought right then.
Being a mom takes strength and dignity and wisdom.
Deep breaths and strong stomaches, able and willing hands, comforting arms...

Doughnuts to Blessings: Simply Trust and Obey

This morning we were running around a little crazy. My 4-year-old was sick and my husband was staying home with him since he also was starting to feel ill.

I got up and was helping get kids ready and ironing shirts.

The kids started asking for breakfast.

I had a plan to take them to get doughnuts before church but I didn’t want the sick child to hear since doughnuts would not go well with the tummy bug.

“Mom! We are almost out of milk. I was going to fix my cereal and we are out of milk!” my 9-year-old begins to whine. He is not a big morning person.
“I know we are out of milk. I already have a plan. Just don’t eat cereal right now. Please just get ready to go.”
“I will just grab a granola bar.”
“Put the granola bar back please. I already have a plan.”
“Aww. Mom, I want a granola bar.”
“Please just obey.”

My 3-year-old says he wants me to get his breakfast as he leads me towards the potato chips. “No, buddy. You are not having chips for breakfast.”
“But that’s what I like,” as he flashes his winning smile.
“When have you ever had chips for breakfast?”
He just kept smiling.
“No bud. No chips. I will get you some breakfast later.”
He began to pout and then cry when I didn’t give in.
“I’m so hungry! You make me angry.”
It was funny. The words that came to my head and out of my mouth, “Bud, please just trust me and obey. I have a plan. I promise you will get to eat.”

The thought that went through my head was how God often does the same thing to us and we often respond in the same way.
“My child, I have a plan for you. I have a plan that is good. A plan that will bring you joy and fulfillment if you just trust me and obey me. I already know the problems you see in your life. I see the shortcomings you feel you have. I have something waiting for you. Just get ready and let me pour the blessings out on you.”

“But God, I am hungry now. I want to just have this thing that is sitting in front of me. It is right here and it doesn’t look so bad.”

“Just wait a little longer. I have something so much better.”

I realize a doughnut is not better nutrition wise but my kids LOVE the treat of a doughnut. They were thrilled when they realized what they were going to get for their breakfast this morning. It was worth the wait. It was worth missing out on granola bars and cereal.

Trust and obey and prepare for the blessings. God is the perfect Father who gives generously and is marvelously good. His timing is perfect and his plans are great. He has our good in mind.

What has it come to?

Here we sit. We made it. It has been almost a year since our placement home study was completed. We made it passed the 6-month mark with the kids in our home. Adoption is just around the corner.
Where are we?
These past months have been filled with ups and downs and ins and outs. Some days my husband was the one keeping it together. Some days it was my turn. Other days I would feel like it was falling apart only to have someone come along side and encourage me. Once the words were uttered by some counselor "Maybe this just isn't the placement for her." The idea of keeping everyone safe in my home became a chore on some evenings. The thought of my husband walking out the door to leave me for a few hours with the kids gave me high anxiety because I didn't know what to expect out of them. (For awhile it meant a full-fledged battle of wills as soon as the car was out of the driveway). There was something about my authority in the home that set her off. And it was a constant certainty that as soon as Dad left the next negative statement I would make would mean a total and utter meltdown into a pool of anger and hostility against me and anyone else in the way.
Then it happened. Around mother's day a shift happened. A subtle but monumental shift. Respect began flowing from her lips when she would speak to me.
She began listening to my instructions and simply saying "okay." as she followed through. Prayers of a thousand warriors worked a miracle. Since that weekend we have had small tantrums but nothing out of the norm for any normal (un-traummatized) little 10-year-old girl. We have had to address some issues and behaviors but each time we were responded to with a calm spirit.
We are not under the delusion that this is the end of the war. But it feels like God has shown us once more that he is in control and that He has the say in her heart.
Having 5 kids in my family is not what I pictured for my life. (Especially not 5 so close in age!). It seems to work for the most part. We have what we need and we get by. the 4 boys have learned to share a room for the most part. Our daughter is enjoying her own room (although she complains almost nightly about wishing she could share a room and how we need to have another little girl!) I tell her that she will be thankful for her own room one day and that another little girl is not in my plans. So she reverts to wishing for a dog instead.

If you wish to pray for us in this time
1. Please pray for the timing of the adoption. The way they work in the county we are working through is that they will just schedule it for the next slot available once the paperwork is approved. School starts mid August for us here and the adoption is going to take place in the kids home state. We will be traveling for about a week to ensure everything is done that needs completed and that we have time to finalize the whole process. It would be incredible if we could have it happen the 1st of 2nd week of August. We are not sure that will happen but it would be ideal in our minds.
2. Please pray for the kids as they work through emotions they are feeling as this date gets closer and closer. All we hear is excitement but the feelings go deeper and I am no fool to believe they are all cupcakes and rainbows.
3. Name changes. This is a small thing but has big implications. The kids have the opportunity to change their names. We will be changing J's name to something similar while giving A the choice to change hers. She currently has a list she has compiled and is working on narrowing down. We will back her up 100% with whatever her choice it. I told her that her given name is beautiful and has a good reason behind it but she wants to entertain the idea of a new name for now so we will help her with that decision to the best of our ability. I do not want her to feel pressure one way or the other so please pray that she will have a peace one way or the other so we can nail this down as quickly as possible.
4. A home. This is low on our priorities right now but we are looking for a home after the adoption is finalized. We want something that actually fits our expanded family better preferably without having to switch schools. God is able to provide what we need in His time so we will rest on that.
 And for now we have some great neighbors so we will be fine waiting if that is what God wants.
5. Wisdom. Lots and lots of wisdom. I am being thrust into parenting an adolescent girl when I never would have dreamed I would be already here! I am not feeling ready but ready or not. I need to be the mom to her that she needs and I need to be prepared for the talks that are coming up quickly! Boys and body image and all that jazz that I struggled with as a girl. Oh boy, oh boy... I wish I had gotten to start with my little girl as a baby... but God has some funny plans sometimes.

Random Lesson on my Drive Home

While driving home from Bible study alone last night I was pressed upon to write.

After the study I was speaking to some ladies about my current situation with my foster daughter. I get to the end of my rope with her and while sometimes God hands me more line other times I fail to rely on him and fall into frustration and lash back out at her (surprise! I am not perfect…)
On the way home, having left the room encouraged and uplifted, I was ready to get home.

All of the sudden I had a verse float in my head as surely as if I had just read it on a road sign. It was clear as day. I actually tried to remember where I had seen it from my vehicle while also knowing it had not been written anywhere on the roadway. At first it seemed like such a random verse. “And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.” (Genesis 3:12 KJV)

I said the verse a few times as it ran around my head, paraphrasing: “The woman you gave me made me do it…” and started to dismiss it as just a random thought. Then it clicked. God was saying something important to me. I kept complaining in my own head about “this child God had given me…”. The disruptions she had caused in our home and life. The negative impact she was having on my boys. The negative impact she was having on our marriage. The energy involved with keeping her in check. The frustrations her behaviors and tantrums caused. The lack of peace we felt in our own home and the disruption in our ability to just be a family…

I was in a sense saying the exact same thing Adam had said: God, this child you gave me is making my life a wreck… This child you gave me is ruining everything I love...This child you gave me is causing me to become angry and to lose my temper…

REALLY??!! I tried to say “It's not the same thing, Lord…” but I had to stop myself because it is exactly the same.

God placed this precious child with us for a reason. God made the path for it to work and for the placement to happen. It was only by his timing and his planning. He began this work and he will finish it to His glory. In the meantime He will grant us the grace and gifts we need to get through it.

All Sunday I had tried my best to not yell. It was hard, but I made it through. I tried my best to control my emotions when she destroyed her room. But after the drive home that night I was once again faced with a tantrum and a second thorough room demolition and I had to pause. It had to be more than just keeping myself restrained. I needed to find Joy and Peace, and to Love in the moment. I can't just be content to “hold together”. I needed wisdom.

My heart was in a better place as I waited patiently outside her room for her anger to subside. I refrained from escalating the issue and I managed to speak calmly when spoken to. I reminded myself to love in a moment where it was difficult to love. I was reminded to be thankful for this girl God had given me.

I am not perfect and I will fail (again and again). God is gracious and merciful and I will do my best to keep my eyes on Him while remembering that as He is faithful to me He is also faithful to her. He is calling me to be merciful, gracious and faithful to His precious child that He has seen fit to give to me.

If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Matthew 7:11 KJV
https://bible.com/bible/1/mat.7.11.KJV

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.
James 1:17 KJV
https://bible.com/bible/1/jas.1.17.KJV

Grandma

My flight was mostly empty. Everyone could have had their own row. I realized why I had gotten such a good deal on the flight. I shared a few smiles with the passengers close enough to me then I sat in my row alone and in relative quiet.

As we began to pull out and take off the sun was setting on the horizon. “How fitting,” I thought.

It was a beautiful orange and red falling over Kansas City.

I couldn't help but let a couple tears fall down my face in the silent moment.

I am heading to Tennessee to see my grandma for, what more than likely will be, the last time. I plan to kiss her check and cry with my family as we comfort each other and celebrate the woman that she is and the legacy she is leaving behind her.

This hit us all out of left field. Grandma is active and vibrant. She loves shopping and finding bargain deals, cooking, baking and hosting warm fellowship. She is fantastic at all she does.

She also has a passion for children and teaching them the Truth of God's word. She taught my Sunday school class when I was 2 and 3. I recall her songs she sang with us as we jumped around doing motions and learning that we were precious in God’s sight. Oh, how I wish time would take me back for a glimpse at her setting me on her knee to sing “the raisin song" as we share a box of raisins... and allow me to really appreciate all she has done for me.

She taught me to do laundry and tried to teach me to do chores more effectively. I tend to rinse dishes so well to put them in the dishwasher that it is hard to tell if they are clean or dirty. I blame grandma for that. Also folding laundry as it comes out of the dryer. This is the only way my clothes get folded before a week passes by while they sit in a basket or on my couch in my bedroom.

Grandma taught me to appreciate a garden. The work that goes into someone’s garden is immense and it takes a devoted person to make the garden flourish.

She taught me to pay attention to the world around me. The hidden treasures you can only find by watching and noticing. Like a bunny burrow hiding under a hedge with baby rabbits sleeping in a nest of fur and fluff, or a bird nesting in the top of a tree. The lonely lady who walked in and sat alone.

Grandma also loved to sing. Her voice may not have been the most beautiful in the world but it didn't matter much to me. I loved hearing her sing as she went about her work or driving in the car. A joyful sound that reached God’s ears as a fragrant incense. I sing while working often. Night shift at the nursing home I would find myself singing as I did rounds or in showers while helping bathe those that could not bathe for themselves. Singing praises even if I could not bluntly share my faith my goal was to have them know I knew what I believed and I was ready to answer questions if they asked me.

Grandma also taught me how to love my husband. My grandma served and loved my grandpa with a steadfast faithfulness. Hard times and good times. Through his ups and downs she was there supporting him and his decisions and working alongside him.

My grandpa is going to be lost for awhile without her. I am sure of that. They were each others perfect half.

Night is falling and a day is ending. The light is fading...darkness is coming for a little while. Praise God I know the Light is coming back to this broken world and will set all things right again!

In my headphones Bart Millard singing:

“My Jesus I love thee. I know thou art mine...My gracious Redeemer, my Savior art Thou. If ever I loved you my Jesus tis now…”

“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus…”

“In the sweet by and by” grandma we will hear you singing again!

When They Just Want to Run

“Hold my hand…stay with me…” If you are a parent you have probably uttered those words to a wiggly toddler before. With social anxiety paired with slight paranoia any instance where I needed to take my child(ren) into a public place was met with a “worst-case-scenario" plaguing my brain. All this paired with my second child who was a “runner" caused some mental breakdowns for this momma. My child first escaped our house as a 15 month old. He made it part-way down the block before the person he was following even knew he was there. They kindly brought him back to our house before we even knew he had escaped!

He loved escaping, but he also loved running. He would take off in a moment and he was fast on his feet. I was pregnant during his second year of life and I would waddle after him as best as I could. I was not allowed to pick him up during a big chunk of my pregnancy and I had to learn the art of toddler-hand-holding.

If you have ever tried to hold the hand of a toddler who loved to run you will understand what I am talking about. There is something about their little hands that just makes them so hard to keep a grasp on. I quickly learned that I needed to hold his arm instead of his hand. This allowed his hand free-reign to wiggle but my hand could keep a firm grasp on his arm.

Last night my daughter had a meltdown. She started screaming “I wish I didn't live here! I don't want to be here! I should have never made this choice!” We are transitioning to “new". She has to get used to a lot. I understand that. At first we closed the door to her room and let her scream but it was making all of us more uneasy as the boys were trying to go to bed in the room next to her. Then she began crying that she wanted her mom. She said she didn't want me (in not so nice tone). That got me thinking about God as S and I continued to try to prevent each other from losing our cool from the things she screamed at us. How many times do we get frustrated and irritated and throw a fit at God? We complain that we don't want His rules or His way. We start wishing we had never made the choice to “give up" the world and ALL we believe it has to offer us. We pull and tug and squirm under his hand and claim he is harming us.

My daughter misses the person she believes loves her more than anyone else in the world. She misses the person who (in her mind) never gave up on her. She is just a little girl who misses her mom and is frustrated about the hand life has dealt. It has nothing to do with the discipline that caused the tears to begin with. As she cried and screamed I realized God wouldn't abandon his people just because they complained or yelled at him (Look at the Israelites as they traveled to the promised land). He never runs out on us. So instead of keeping her door shut I opened it. I put her chair back on its feet and I sat down and I just sat quietly and waited for her to slowly relax. While I sat I thought of the Roman handshake (used many times to illustrate eternal security). We can grab onto God when we call to Him for salvation but more importantly God grabs onto us. At times we can let go in life and do our own thing but God will not let go of us.

My daughter may fight this change in her life sometimes. She may try to shove us away from her and to pry herself away from us like the toddler trying to run away from his mom. But God is holding on with a steadfast love just waiting for us to grab back onto him again so He can lift us higher than we ever thought possible.

In the quiet that followed the meltdown I asked her if I could pray before she fell asleep. She agreed and I prayed aloud. I then asked if she still wanted me to leave or if she would like me to stay. She asked me to stay. So I sat there until she was asleep just praying silently that God would help build a bond between us that will withstand these hard times. I prayed that God would help me to love her like a momma should and to help S love her like a daddy should. It isn't something I thought would be so hard because it came so natural with my bio children but it is like a wall was built where the bridge should have gone. So instead of connecting we end up derailed...the love almost feels fake at times. Like we go through motions but there is no depth. It will take time and effort to move to a deeper level. We keep reminding ourselves that it has only been 6 weeks.

Please understand the meltdowns happen and the next day we are back to normal. We have learned that sometimes her feelings overwhelm her and she doesn't know how to deal with them all correctly yet (she is a child, no one expects her to handle these big feelings maturely). It will be a process and it will have ups and downs. When she is frustrated one of the first things out of her mouth is how she doesn't want to be with us. To her, families are interchangeable and behaviors can cause her to be given up and passed on to someone, somewhere else. It will take time for her to understand things like  unconditional, stability, forever-no-matter-what family. Please keep praying as we strive to teach her these important things. Please be praying as we try to tear down the walls and build the bridges to her and her brother.

Right Now

"Mrs. Coston, we have your son here in the Nurse's office. He has stapled his finger and we need you to pick him up and take him to the doctor. Do you think you could come get him right now?" (translation: Your son stapled his finger and you need to come take him straight to the ER but I don't want to make him more scared...) That was one phone call I was not expecting but just a small glimpse of life. Living life.

Life gets a little crazy with 5 kids. Adjusting to having a girl in our house has been hard. It feels a little like we lost something and there are times I miss the freedom of just being the "guys". But in reality I know we have gained much more.

We were discussing our journeys and where life has taken each of us on our way to church one evening. J said, "Mom, didn't you want to be a missionary? Why didn't you go to be a missionary?" So I told him how God had shifted our path. Sometimes we plan something thinking it is what we are supposed to do and then God shows us He has a different plan. AJ (9-year old foster daughter) chimed in, "If you had been living in another country would you have been able to have us come live with you?" No, we would not have been able to without returning to the United States and finding a home and work to support us. AJ continued her thought, "I think God knew He wanted me and Ja to come live with you before we even knew we were going to. God knew we would need a place to live and so he made you and Uncle S be able to have us come live with you!"

Listening to her piece together a small part of God's sovereignty in her life was so exciting. Since coming to our home she has grown in her understanding of God. She is a sponge and soaks in the Word she hears. It is exciting and terrifying at the same time. Lord, help me to be the witness she needs me to be...
Life is not full of peaches and cream. We have sour moments. We have faced a sense of loss of identity. Our home is no longer the same. We have yet to fully bond with the newest members of our home but we are forging ahead and building binds that we hope will be sufficient.
Hearing Ja cry out in the night does not fill me with the same sense of urgency that fills my mind when my own child cries out through my deepest of sleep. Instead it may take me a moment to realize he is crying for me. The bonds forged in infancy are so strong. I feel love and compassion for Ja but I still know it isn't quite the same. All we can do is our best. We can be there and we can care and we can continue to build the bonds that will unite us.

It is even harder with AJ. We build and build but she has been there and done that. She has her loyalties and she has her past. She is excited for the future but she is also afraid. We have no clue what she has seen. We don't know what she has been through. Sometimes it feels we are on two parallel planes slightly missing one another but never fully understanding each other.

So for now we are going and moving and pushing forward in an unknown realm. New rules, new adjustments. We are strangers in the world of caseworkers, lawyers, and foster system. Our case is more complicated with the inter-state aspect. We feel like fish in a puddle at the mercy of a greater hand. My mother reminded me of something important: When you have done all you can do, all you can do it rest in the Father and the promise that He will complete what he has started. So I don't have to put myself in the hands of caseworkers and "the system". I will put myself in the hands of God who loves these kids more than I ever could and who will work His will out according to His purpose.